House rules I forgot to make.

[CadleCrap]

Don't comb the soap.

Don't call the last number dialled on the phone and then leave it off the hook for over three hours

Hiding toys under the rug rather than putting them away makes lumps that Mum does notice!

You put SHAMPOO on your hair. SHAMPOO. Not poo.

Oh God, he was covered....don't know how DS managed to cover himself wi it so much!

Oh and 'Willies IN at the dining table, please' is a constant refrain [sigh]

If your sister is bent over naked do not try to insert a finger!

glue is not a food
paint is not a food
crayons are not food
mud is not food
yogurt is not paint

NEVER tell the hot Tesco delivery man "Mummy done a poo" over and OVER again, until he has to acknowledge you. Be SILENT in the presence of hot tesco delivery man.

No children allowed.

don't poke your brother
don't hit your brother even if he asks you too
don't poke the cats
don't eat plastic food that you play with

Don't 'beep' your brother's eye (poking finger)
Don't 'beep' your brothers fontanelle
Don't 'beep' your brother at all
Don't use the cats tail as a pump
Don't pick my nose
No cars in the ketchup
Don't lick your car

Quite a few years ago but....

don't hold your teddy's nose on the lightbulb

New one created today - don't climb on the cat "tree"!

:o 'don't feed the rats pompoms' and 'there is no such thing as a standing up poo' utterly brilliant.

Don't bash your baby sister

Don't bash your baby sisters bouncy chair springing her out of it on to her head

Don't pick up rancid, trodden on old raisins from the bottom of the pram basket and eat them in front of anyone we know

your big sister is not a bed to go to sleep on!

the big clothes airer is oh so very not a climbing frame!!!

Don't touch the dogs bum hole... or willy

Don't give mummy bogies that youve just picked out of your nose

Keep your trousers and pants on when at your friends houses

Don't flash your bottom at visitors

As well as teaching DS that he can't do a standing up poo, I'm going to have to teach that it's entirely impractical for her to do a standing up wee. At the moment she mimes having a wee by leaning back at the hips and sort of waggling her privates around (makes me wonder what DH and DS really do in the bathroom and explains a lot ...) -I'm thankful she's still in nappies!

I also have another rule to add:

No giving yourself hickeys.

The 3yo has been sucking on his arm all afternoon and will be going to school covered in them tomorrow

After peeing, no shimmying up to the toilet roll holder and rubbing your willy against it, leaving the dirty paper on the roll for the next poor sod.

Don't put your snots back up your nose after you've picked them out.
It is never bums time, willies time or 'gina's time..
My breasts are not stress toys (DH could do with learning that too)

For 19yr old ds. No singing at the top of your voice at 2am after a skinful.
No drunken apologies about singing as Im trying to get back to sleep.
And from 17years ago - bodyshop lip balm is not to be applied to your hair

No competitive pooing in the bath... I do not wish to know who 'won!'