House rules I forgot to make.

[CadleCrap]

Don't comb the soap.

Don't kiss the car.

If you draw all over yourself (and I mean all over yourself) with felt-tip pens, you are not allowed to complain when Mummy uses the wire brush and Dettol to clean you off before you are seen in public.

If you are trying to help make lunch by washing the potatoes - don't use soap!

Don't put lipgloss in your belly button

Don't lick stuff or people (they are 3 & 6 ffs)

Don't use the touch screen tablet after picking your nose without washing your hands first

Take your old pants off before putting your old pants on top

Don't drink stagnant water out of the watering can in the garden

Don't keep inviting people to admire the size of your poo - it is not a reflection of your worth as a person

Do not feed your lasagna to the fish
Do not try to cuddle the fish
Do not try to climb into the fish tank - the fish is not lonely and does not need to play with you

whoops 'Take your old pants off before putting your 'new' pants on'

don't shout daddy you have a penis in the changing room at the swimming pool.

if you do happen to see something you shouldn't in a changing room, please,please please don't tell everyone you meet about your papa's hairy penis.

don't include "mummys friends came round and they drank wine" in your school diary.

dreamies are for cats, not humans.

please don't ask why that man has to go into the wee room at the chemists to get his medicine.

no one wants to see your weiner and I especially don't want you to rub it on my arm!

Don't write in your school journal that every weekend you cycle on your own 2 miles to McDonalds for burgers & fries aged 6 when we have told school we are vegetarians!

If you insist that you, and only you, are allowed to use the hoover, you will be invited to go running with Daddy.

If you accept an invitation to go running with Daddy, do not run straight to the Co-op. Daddy does not do his running in the Co-op.

Do not attempt to buy up the Co-op when Daddy has already explained that he doesn't have any pennies.

Do not look accusingly at Daddy when you find you don't have any pennies in your pockets. You are 2. You are not supposed to carry money.

"cupping" is NOT an adequate alternative to underwear, especially when we have guests in the house.

When in public, don?t say loudly ?That?s not very nice. You hit me? when I didn?t (and don?t ever)
Don?t insist on a second yoghurt, then only eat one tiny mouthful before declaring that you are full
Don?t eat Vaseline
Don?t help me by carrying a full potty. I appreciate the intentions, but you are actually making more work for me
Teddy does not need THAT much Sudocrem when you are giving him a nappy change
Do not hang up the phone when I am talking to someone on it
Do not shove Play Doh down my neck or in my pockets
The bar of chocolate hidden in my bag is mine and I need it more than you do

Don't pull my top down and show then general public 'mummy's tiny boobies'
Don't try to ride the dog. She is not a horse.
Neither is the cat
Don't try to climb in the fish tank. You cannot repeat not swim in there
No ham sandwiches in the DVD player. Even if you are trying to send it to Thomas on the telly.
Do not use permanent marker to decorate the walks,telly,fridge, cat and your face.
Do not use permanent marker to draw a moustache and beard on your face, you are two years old and its not a good look!
Don't try to post pennies in the cats bum. She is not a money box.
Neither is the dog.
Please.....do not ever wake me up by taking all of your clothes and nappy off and sitting on my head. Mummy does not appreciate your willy anywhere near her eye. Especially at 5am.
Yes you are cute, but not everyone appreciates seeing your 'sexy bum bum' being paraded around ttescos.
Please stop calling random strangers daddy.
Please stop pointing at random strangers bums and shouting poo poo. Mummy gets some very dissaproving looks.
Your tractors, cars, food, and socks do not belong in mummy's drink. Neither do the fish. Especially if it is a glass of wine

Do not shout "Ladies love willies!" very loudly in toilet adjacent to tearoom in Botanic Gardens.

Or anywhere, really, actually, now that I think about it...

Fresh from today...

Don't tell everyone at school nanny is going to die. She said diet not die. She is losing weight not her life!!!!!

I had condolences off several people thanks to you ear wigging!

Maybe don't tell people that your favourite bit of mummy is her moustache...

Don't tell Daddy, after we have been doing Christmas shopping, that we have bought him a "secret radio".

Daddy is not a horse. If you are in a rucksack on his back, beating him on his bald spot will not make him go faster.

If a bald man comes to the house, don't tell him that his barber, "Snipped and snipped and snipped until there was none left".

Not all stepmothers are wicked. Mine isn't and please don't tell her I taught you that she was.

And since they became teenagers.....

Don't buy more and more clothes and use them as a way of totally concealing your carpet.

Clothes from Hollister and SuperDry might be lovely, are certainly expensive but don't call them "designer" to justify your extravagance.

Ds1(3) - ds2(1) is not a horse and you cannot ride him.

Ds1 - the remote control does not belong in the fish tank.

Ds1 - toys should not be washed in the fish tank.

Dd1 (5) and ds1 - fish food is not shake and vac.

Dd1 - sudocrem is not the same as windolene.

Just because it fits in your nose does not mean that it is meant to be in your nose...

Take your tongue out of your nose

Do not yell "wet tshirts!" repeatedly in Tesco. You are 4yo and have shit all idea of the connotations but every other shopper will think you do and look at me like I'm a monster who lets you watch filth on the tv.

Do not eat everything. You do not have pica.

Do not put your fingers up grandma's nose.

Don't hump the non-slip mat in the bath. Weirdo.

In fact, do stop humping things full stop.

Stop mooning the window cleaner.

The next time (and every subsequent time) that Gropey Snogging Couple start up again right outside the living room window, anyone in the house is to line up like the Von Trapps and do a beautifully choreographed dance routine or similar, until GSC find somewhere else to smooch.

Don't belly dance in the Museum of Modern Art.
Don't play with a filled water balloon while on the loo.
Don't tell the man with moobs that he is supposed to have a willy not boobies.

Do not 'help' old ladies up the stairs by walking behind them, grabbing their bottoms and pushing them.

Do not tell everybody you live on a farm and be so consistent in your story telling that even your nursery teachers believe you.

Do worry about that the jewellers are stealing mummy's watch when she leaves it there for a new battery. There is no need to stage a sit-in protest in the shop doorway, screaming that your mummy wants her watch back.

Don't put your father's mobile phone in the nappy wrapper bin, twist it shut and not tell anybody. (only mummy's genius light bulb moment of inspiration saved it from being put out for the dustman)

When you are having a poo, do not open the bathroom door to see who's at the door - they don't want to see a pooing 12yo.

Similarly, there must be some other time we could have all those important conversations. I will not sit in he bathroom to chat with you and sitting outside the door isn't the best fun either.

not at 5.30am either.

I am a 35yo woman, privacy in my own bedroom should be a basic human right.

you don't need to talk about mummy's smelly poos in public. they might be funny to a 12yo boy but to a 35yo woman, they're private

granny does not need to know how often we have takeaway, how rarely I iron or every conversation I have with anyone ever. even though she's interested.

my odd socks are not suitable for you to wear for school.