Dear *

[OTheHugeManatee]

Dear boss

Why can't you stop micromanaging and let everyone get on with the jobs you hired us to do?

Dear self

Stop procrastinating.

Dear period

Why must you always malignantly wait until I'm wearing pink knickers before you put in an appearance?

Dear DS

Why can you go down for a nap no bother but at bed time put up a massive fight? Especially when you are clearly tired! And why start this behaviour after brilliant bed times only 10 days before dc2 arrives?

Dear IT department

Do I look like a technical wizard? I don't care why you can't do something, yes it does have to look that way, no I can't understand the reasons why and more to the point I don't give a damn.

Make it happen

Regards

Marketing Department

Dear DC'S,
Why do you ignore me when i'm busy doing housework and do nothing but harrass me when i sit down to have a coffee? I can't keep tidying up JUST to get some peace and quiet. Is it the fear of getting roped in to help that sends you scuttling off to play nicely, not fight and stop whingeing???

Dear Everyone

My office door is closed because I'm eating my lunch. Respect that.

Love

C

Dear colleague

If you don't know how to use Excel spreadsheets properly, just say so instead of just typing randomly over formulas that took ages to construct and actually give us the informstion we need. Also, you keeping a version of the master copy open on your desk top all day means that, when you save your daily workings to it at the ends of the day, you're not saving them to the latest version of the spreadsheet. You're saving them to the version you opened this morning. When you do an 'end of day' save on the version you've had open all day, it replaces the real master version and wipes out all the work we've done.
So stop it, OK?

Dear Headache,

It's been three days, and tbh I'm sick of you. Fuck the very fuck off.

Regards, Tyzer2001

Dear Chocolate,

Where did you go? One minute you were there, then you were gone. Was it something I said?
Love, Tyzer2001

Dear Boss

Your clothes STINK of fags and cheap perfume. It makes morning sickness very difficult to deal with when you waft in and out of the office smelling like that. Oh! And do you think you could masticate more quietly? I don't want to talk to you when your gob is full, or while you are slurping yoghurt, or when you are sucking on a grape.

Finally, FFS, PLEASE sort that disgusting hacking cough you have got because you coughing up your guts every five minutes makes me HEAVE.

Thanks
TFF.

P.s Your breath stinks.

Dear people who park on my road,

Could you kindly all fuck off please so I can park my car within a mile of my house every now and again?

Thanks so much,
Tired pregnant woman with toddler

P.S. Fuck off.

Dear OTheHugeManatee,

What you said. All of it.

Thanks,

Toby

Dear tonsillitis

Why are you such a bastard? What did I ever do to you? The least you could have done is have the decency to be bacterial so I could kick your rotten arse to kingdom come with antibiotics.

So sod off already

NWNH

Dear DS

6am is NOT an acceptable time to wake in the morning. Equally, it is even less acceptable to throw a tantrum at 6am when I tell you it's not time to wake up. Let's face it, our day can't start with that and get any better from there, can it...

Mum

Dear World
I'm so happy my maternity leave starts tomorrow!

Dear Self
Next time PLEASE don't think it such a great idea to work up to 38 weeks :) especially when the following two weeks you have DD home FT and no time for nesting/cleaning/cooking which is what you really want to do

Dear bunny

Please stop being cute and fluffy so i can get on with some sewing instead of cuddling you all day

Sincerely

PurplerabbitofInle

Dear Doctor

Please hurry up with my blood test results, I don't want to have to wait til Tuesday to see if the BFNs when I POAS were right. Also, if ther were right, I would quite like to know what else is causing the lack of periods and water retention!

Sincerely Pissedoffrabbitof Inle

NoWayNoHow, you just said my other one! Word for word. Fucking viral tonsillitis :(

Dear Weekend

Hurry. Up. And. Arrive.

Dear Work

I am not that important - no, really, although I am flattered that you apparently think otherwise. There is no reason on the planet why you would need to contact me while I am on holiday. You pride yourself on hiring intelligent people. If said people can't deal with minor issues (or hell, even a full blown crisis) without trying to call/email/smoke signal me, there is clearly something wrong with your hiring practices.

BN

Dear Boss

Please can you extend my 12 month contract because I really like it here.

Glad you got the promotion

BBT

Dear Boss

Please give me something to do. I've got 3 and a half hours left at work today and nothing to do except MN. Although, of course, you won't catch me telling you that in real life.

Going to have a short nap now because I had less than 4 hours sleep last night.

BR
Quenelle

Dear Insomnia

What did I ever do to you?

Best
Quenelle

Dear DH's ex-boss

If I catch you once again trying to persuade DH that I'm having an affair with one of my closest friends just because he hugs me in church when I'm struggling (or just because he is my friend FFS) I will find a way of making a formal complaint. Because even in your line of business shit stirring in someone elses marriage is unacceptable. Thankfully my DH is stronger in his boots and has more backbone than you so he knows he can trust me. Even if he was very vulnerable with depression when you were pushing your point.

(phew that feels good....)

Dear DS.

I love you. I loved you from the moment you were born, just over 20 years ago, and I will love you until I die.

I even loved you at 12.45am this morning when I was cleaning up your vomit from the stairs.

The only way I could ever love you more is if you never drink cider again.
And get rid of the 'Road Narrows' sign which has mysteriously appeared in the hallway.

Love, Mum xx

Dear Fat Stomach

one day - I . WILL . GET . YOU.

just not today............

but soon I will stop eating crap and you will shrink away forever.

BBT

Dear Money

please can you stretch a little bit further, you know, like back in the old days?

forever in your debt

Beaker

Dear ear,

I know you have had a nasty infection, but you've had two courses of antibiotics now and I've even breathed in methol fumes like the doctor told me - so PLEASE start working again!

Love, Lola

Dear Boyfriend,

Thanks for being so fucking pretty that thinking of you in jeans with your top off just got me through that horrific phone call from an absolute shouty bastard of a customer.

Also thanks for being the best nurse ever while I've been pathetically suffering with poxy tonsillitis.

I love you.

K

Dear Sprout,

I'm sorry i failed you and you died. You were - and would have been - so loved, so wanted. You would have made our family complete, and it kills me to think that i flushed you down the toilet. I didn't know what else to do. I'm so sorry.

Dear Manshape,

I'm sorry i lost our baby. I don't know what i did or what caused it to happen. You have been fantastic, so supportive and loving.. but i feel so guilty and i'm falling apart. I know you don't blame me at all... but i blame me. I hate me.