Dear *

[OTheHugeManatee]

Dear boss

Why can't you stop micromanaging and let everyone get on with the jobs you hired us to do?

Dear self

Stop procrastinating.

Dear period

Why must you always malignantly wait until I'm wearing pink knickers before you put in an appearance?

Fellatio Mine does that too. I just leave them, they unbundle in the washing machine. Even if they don't, they still get perfectly clean and then hang next to each other on the washing line and therefore easier to pair when they're dry.

Vivian, that's beautifully written, I hope it works out for you xxx

Vivian ...just wow. And respect.

Dear Eastar and Fellatio

Could your DHs be trying to protect your household from mysteriously disappearing single socks? It could be that socks only vanish into the black hole at the back of all washing machines when they are separated from their mate

That may be their thinking HugeManatee...and yet mine and DS's unbundled socks stay resolutely found. Still, for all I know they bundle themselves up in the machine and then separate before I unload, just to fuck with me.

Dear baby bear,
Please hurry up and arrive soon - you're our first DD and we can't wait to meet you.

Love from Mum and Dad
X

Dear Period,

PLEASE don't make an appearance this weekend! dh and I will be celebrating our 19th anniversary, in a hotel, with NO kids.

We want to make the most of it.

Yours pleadingly,

HHY

Dear dd1,

I know you think you know everything. But you really don't. FYI your father and I are NOT too ancient for sex and 'all that stuff'. As we aim to prove this weekend. Providing the previous letter is actioned.

Mum x

Dear Sparkle101,

Thank you SO much for advising She Who Feeds Me to put olive oil on my squeaky wheel. She didn't do it very well first time but she has cleaned it up now so I can actually use it without flying off! And I can now run to my tiny heart's content without waking the entire village.

Forever in your gratitude,

Hamster

That reminds me.

Dear Period,

Hurry up please, I'm fat, bloated and eating for England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. When you arrive I shall lose my appetite, my tension and my aggression. Calm will be restored and my clothes will fit again.

Yours hopefully

Al0uiseG

Dear Rupert,

You look and smell divine after your morning at the groomers. Please do NOT roll in foxes crap when we go for a walk tomorrow. I think you are becoming addicted to the stuff and will stop at nothing to get to it. Also your recall is very good but the override switch goes on when you see other dogs or people. Which leads me to other dogs and people they don't ALL love you, they don't all want to be jumped up at or have their hind legs lifted off the ground while you smell their arse and undercarriage.

Car wheels look hypnotic but it's really best if you stay away from them because they are rather dangerous. Ditto tractor wheels times 10.

Cats do not like you, they do not do their puffer fish impression because they want to play they do it because they are frightened, they think you are a normal cat eating dog. Which leads me to rabbits, why don't they run away from you? Why do they think our garden is a safe haven? I don't want them eating the lupins or the hollyhocks, I think you should chase them away, sauntering past them nonchalantly doesn't really hit the spot.

Please learn to swim, I'm frightened you will get swept away one day and won't know what to do.

I love you when you do your Elvis face but small girls think it's scary, so that's our special face ok?

Love from Mummy xxx

P.s. Stop licking moisturiser off my legs

PMSL at all of that. Especially the 'special face'. Priceless.

Dear little Sister (age 20)

You do not have children yet so please keep your tutting and head shaking at my parenting decisions to yourself until you have 2 under 2's. Forcing a 2 year old to wash her hands when she has plainly told you she already has and making her sob in the restaurant loos is horrible and nasty, then you wonder why she won't talk to you or cuddle you. She is not a toy to play with until you are bored then to drop and expect her to leave you alone. You need to grow up ever so slightly.

Llove your big sister.

p.s. Sulking and stropping because mum is playing with the girls and not paying you enough attention is just about the last straw, you will be on a train home alone tomorrow if you carry on.
x

Dear Mr Next Door

PLEASE stop having noisey sex with random people at 4am on a week day morning. I want to be asleep at 4am. Not listening to you and your headboard banging away.

Best wishes,

TWYC

Dear mum,

I really wish we could spend more time together, but I don't know how to ask and I am afraid you don't like me. I am jealous of other people you prioritise over me. And while we are on the subject, if you are signed off work and told you need to rest for your health then you must do that, if you make yourself even more ill because you will not stop doing too much I will be even more angry because I am afraid you won't be there when I need you, or we will never get another chance to spend time together. I don't know what to do about it. This is selfish and I know it.

Dear A,

Why can you not see how cleverly you are being manipulated. Your husband is the worst thing that ever happened to my family and I hate him for all the pain and stress he has caused us. Your dad's hair has all fallen out because of the stress. Not to mention physical assault. How can you defend a man who is not only a serial aldulterer but also physically violent towards your family. I guess, only when he has been cleverly manipulating you for the last 20 years. One day, maybe he will leave you and you will come back. My door is always open for you. I refuse to see him ever again.

That feel suprisingly good. All the things I cannot say to anyone in RL.

Dear motorists of Surrey,

Beautiful sunny weather does not = a legal requirement to drive like an absolute wanker. Please consider (a) taking some lessons, (b) giving a shit about the safety of others, if not your own, and/or (c) all crashing into each other so that your cars have to be sold for scrap and you become laughing stocks among your wanker mates.

Yours,

Someone who wants to enjoy the world without a micro-dicked 4x4 driver taking a giant shite all over it.

Dear wine,

While I have enjoyed you this afternoon, you are a dreadful influence. I have eaten Easter Eggs and raspberry sorbet and have done things that I have never planned on doing (not today anyway) I wish you would leave me alone, I don't like you, you don't like me. Can we call it a day and move on without each other. Who am I kidding, see you tomorrow .

Norty Al0uiseg x

Dear Seaside

See you in a few hours [bugrin]

Dear Weather,

I love you, keep it up [bugrin]

X

Dear You,

We spent most of last Easter together and for the first time s2 & d were with us too and it was so easy and natural and great and I really believed for the first time that it would be all right and you told me that you saw and felt that too.

I still don't understand what happened after that. Don't understand why you never talked to me. It still hurts. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, you said the same.
Me

Dear H,

I can't believe you went off for 10 days with s1 without saying goodbye to s2 & d. S1 said goodbye to him and to his sister the night before. But their father didn't think to. You don't even say goodnight to them unless they pass you on their way to bed.

I didn't expect it after I had told you that texting or mailing me to say you won't be home isn't enough. You agreed that you should do it, should say goodbye to your children if you're going to be away for a weekend or 3 nights a week. No big deal, just "Bye, see you Thursday" so they don't go down to your room to ask you something and you're not there. And then for 10 days and not a word? It's shite. Says a lot about what kind of father you are.

As does s2 finding out you're seeing someone else by overhearing something you said to s1. He cried himself to sleep on my lap. He's the most lovely boy and you can't see that, you only see what's "wrong" with him.

I hope you didn't tell s1 what you told me, "I'm not 'seeing' someone else, I'm with someone else for sex." Because he's 14 and I think, I know that you're a lousy role model.

And for fuck's sake agree to sell the house - you must see by now that sharing it is not working and it's hell for the children.

Yours
WishItWereAllOver

Dear Me,

Don't cry. Get in the shower so s2 & d don't see you.

Kickingly yours,
Me who wishes she liked chocolate & hopes she doesn't regret posting this.

Dear DH, you're awesome. Thank you for that, and for finally realising that once you married me I'd be a much nicer person to you. But it had been 14 years, and you know the reasons I wanted to be married. Thank you for undergoing all the crap in that shitty fertility clinic so I can have the baby I've wanted for so long, and for putting up with my tantrums and depression over why I was the first in our group to want a baby, and the last to get one. Thank you for keeping me smiling. I adore you, and you're going to be an awesome daddy as well.
However, I'd really like it if you would realise that you're not 15 anymore, and sleeping till 2pm on weekends is really boring. For me, anyway :)

Dear best friends, I love you to the ends of the earth, and I always will. You have been fantastic while I did not deal very well with 4 years of ttc, while I watched you all get up the duff too easily for my liking! However, please realise that just because it has taken this long for me to get pg, that does not preclude me from whining about being pg- I want the baby, not the 9 months of shit that comes before it. While we're on the subject, please stop telling me that I'm nuts for wanting a home birth, and I'm going to struggle with breastfeeding. This is my first baby, I am allowed to think it will all be easy. You all did, and I kept my mouth shut while you all told me these things in your pg's.
Dear dd we haven't met yet, I'm sorry I'm whining about being pg. I also love the fact you're so active and your kicking is so reassuring. However, if you could please not kick me awake at 5 every morning so I can sleep until 2pm with your daddy like I used to, that would be awesome. I also promise to do the exact opposite of everything my mother did with me so you don't grow up to be the nervous, worried, bigmouthed fuckwit I am. See you in 16 weeks :)
Dear cat, I'm sorry I love you less now this baby's on the way. But you're really annoying, and if I catch you trying to get in the Moses basket one more time, I'm having you adopted. Your choice.
Dear me, please stop worrying. It's actually all good.
Dear MN, thanks for this thread. X

Dear Ladies with DP's about to arrive home after months who are fearing the arrival of AF

Please consider Beppy tampons.

They work and hold back the flow.

Love

Changing

Dear DP

Do Not Be Late on Tuesday.

Love Changing

Dear Alouiseg,

Sorry but I've peaked too early. Might see you for a day of two in July if you're lucky, but I'm not making any promises.

Love, Weather.

Dear Social Services

I really want to call you about a family I know but i'm afraid you won't care. They have loads of children and are overcrowded in what appears to be no more than a 2 up 2 down. Honestly, there are 8 kids in there, and they all share one bedroom. And i'm also worried they might be part of some strange cult because they all dress the same way, same colour and everything. And the dad might be a child molester because he has a removable moustche.

I know you're going to say that fictional characters don't count and the Pontypines are beyond your juristiction, but honestly, it's not the sort of role model I want my child growing up with. And don't start with all that business about my generation watching the magic roundabout and chorlton and the wheelies and we still turned out ok. We did NOT - we're all addicted to mumsnet whilst our houses remain a tip and our washing is undone and our dinner uncooked. And I blame Dougal. And that witch thing.

So please come and put 5 or 6 of the smaller pontypines in foster care, and whilst you're there you could take a look next door at the wattingers too.

Thanks
A Concerned Mother

Very good MichaelaS.

Dear Radio,

Stop playing Adele songs, you've put me off her because I've heard them so much.

Yours Rollling in the Deep

A x

Dear FabCat,

Please eat your food and please don't die.

Love MummyFab.