Dear *

[OTheHugeManatee]

Dear boss

Why can't you stop micromanaging and let everyone get on with the jobs you hired us to do?

Dear self

Stop procrastinating.

Dear period

Why must you always malignantly wait until I'm wearing pink knickers before you put in an appearance?

Dear me

Stop eating chocolate and then wondering why your skin looks cra*. Stop thinking about doing things and do them. Start eating healthily and exercising more. Start revising for those damn professional exams. Sort out your clothes in all the cupboards and wardrobes so you actually know what you own instead of buying a new top everytime a social gathering comes up. Basically just sort out your life!

Love V1979

Dear DH

Tell your parents to eff off. After they have given us back the money they 'borrowed'. A very long time ago. I would not mind if I never saw them again (even though they live on our road).

Love your darling wife.

Dear baby

Please stay inside me for at least another 4 weeks, so we can avoid NICU this time.

Thanks muchly

Mummy xxx

__

Dear DH

I can taste your feet, they smell that badly. Please wash them. Also, I'd like a cuppa while you're up. Ta. Love you. xxx

Dear Freecycle,

I have asked several times, please remove my name from your lists, there has to be a better way of doing it than multiple emails every bloody day.

Thanks

A x

Dear mumsnet

Thank you for making me laugh and cry, and mostly thank you for introducing me to some amazing people. Without you I don't know how I would have coped with my mc. Thank you to all of the lovely ladies that have been with me for the last 3 months, you know who you are xxx

Love Melies x

Dear dd

Dont grow up too fast. The last 3 years have shot by and I'm not ready for the school years yet. I've loved being here with you through the baby and toddler years.

Love mummy xxx

Dear body

Please can this be our month? Please can there be a little bean in there getting comfy? I'll look after it, I promise. And if there is anyone in there, can you stick around this time?

Thanks in advance

Mm x

Dear Social Services

I share michaela's concerns about the Pontipine family. I am especially worried about the fact that Mrs. Pontipine appears not to supervise them properly and they get lost a lot. Additionally, they regularly are seen playing on the roof and using the chimney as a way into the house. Surely that's a little dangerous and unhygienic?

Thank you

Another concerned mother.

Have a Happy Birthday....... xx

Dear sister,

please answer your phone or ring me, I am worried about you. And please or the love of your sanity, the kids and mine, get a solicitor and get that waste of fresh air out of your life for good.

I love you and want you to be happy, love from me x

Dear dp,

I am going to eat your giant Cadburys creme egg easter egg if you do not hurry up. You said you would be home at 10pm, you said you were going to get us a kebab on the way home so I didn't have dinner with the kids, I am starving.

Get a move on, ta muchly x

Dear DS2

I understand your eczema is driving you mad and itching like crazy but please please could you go to sleep? and please can you not wake me at 4am again tonight to tell me the Gruffalo has been to see you and he is your friend.
Also my dad has been gone for 7 years please stop waking me up at stupid o'clock to tell me Grandad has just brought you back from mickey mouses club house/the beach/flying/or wherever else he has taken you. It freaks me out because nobody has ever told you about his silly antics and yet at 3yrs old you know them and I don't get it.

Love

Mummy

Dear DD

Please just stop talking for 5 minutes and give it up with the back chat and meanness.

Thank you.

I love you.

From Mummy.

Dear Microsoft

I have just discovered that the reason I was unable to do any work whatsoever and spent all bloody day on the phone to our lovely helpdesk guys was because you were brewing something on my PC. it has just announced 'installing update 8 of 27' and has been churning for 20 minutes.

I don't want your farking updates, I want to be able to complete the documentation that might very well mean the difference between my contract being renewed or not, and this needed to be done TODAY which is why I have taken the day away from the office to do it.

I just want the damn thing to work. And I'm really pissed off and miserable as it's a whole day wasted and looks like an all nighter.

Thanks a bunch.

Yours,
Kitbit-looking-at-Apple-website-on-smartphone-while-windows-fucks-about

Dear Euromillions,

I apologise for the letter but you appear to have forgotten that I'm supposed to have already won you. I already have my house picked out and the car is sitting in the show room waiting for me. Hermes have phoned and said they cannot hold my red birkin for me much longer. The Ritz have also been emailing me to ask why they keep making up the Coco Chanel suite for me when I have no yet confirmed my stay.

I appreciate your time in reading this and would like to hear from you soon

Dear mother nature

Do you not realise the pressure i am currently under? I am studying my ass off in case Euromillions fails in its promise. I cannot be distracted by these baby urges. I cannot pass a pram or small item of clothing without my womb physically twanging. I know it is your job to ensure the survival of the human race, but I dislike the way you feel that my mind has to be taken up entirely by you when I have very important things to do.

Also what is the deal with spiders and flies? If there are no flies there will be no need for any spiders. the world will be a much happier place. If you want to keep the flies then please amend the spiders so they are not so scary.

Dear feet,

In the name of god please stop growing. There is no need for you to take up so much room and my footwear options have decreased dramatically from you decided you would much rather be a nine than an eight. Please revert to a size 6/7 if at all possible

Dear Sperms,

This is not a drill. Swim towards the big round thing.

I repeat; NOT a drill.

Yrs optimistically,
ellifino.

Dear Bipolar

Quite frankly ive had enough of you now, ive had enough of you sapping my energy so much that i cant function and spend literally hours on the internet to distract myse;f, im tired of not being able to look after my children properly to the point that I can only have one of them at at time. Ive also had enough of these suicidal thoughts and storing up medication to act on them, I also scared my self so badly when I was up at Beachy Head the other day.

Dear OH

Please actually give me my medication rather than taking it all away from me and then not handing it over when i need it, the x box is not more important than my meds, its now been 4 days since ive had any.
Please start actually helping, maybe start taking over the finances and childcare for a while whilst your off this week, the bills arent being paid and were in trouble, you dont normally have to worry about anything rather than working and getting your bus tickets, it me that pays the bills (inclduing the sky which you installed and promised to pay for and your phone contract which you havnt paid for and is linked to mine) me that entertains and looks after the children and does the washing. I CANT manage all this at the moment and need some help.
Please when I start looking up how much Lithium and quitepine it will take to kill muself and you catch me three times, please for gods sake ring my care co-ordinator.
Please when I dont have a bath for days and start to smell dont say you stink, again ring my care co-ordinator and let him know.
Please when im not eating for day and im up at 3am again ring my care- co-ordinator and let him know.
When i walk out the flat at 12:30am saying I dont care, and ring SS about the kids, dont just text me come home and leave it at then and then when i come home and try and explain to you what I need dont just say stop shouting, im shouting because I know how much trouble me and my babies are in and i dont know how to fix is.

Yours sincerly

x

Dear Polar - please get more help & get well soon.

Dear Polar's OH, get a grip or fuck the fuck off.

Dear big one in the sky, please look after Polar - I don't know who she is - but you or someone must.

Polar - please, please go get more help, there must be someone about this morning that can point you in the right direction.

Have you tried the Samaritans? (I know, I know but they are there & ther do talk to you)

Dear Polar

If you have a crisis team number... RING IT NOW

wabbit

(who's dd took and overdose last month and is eternally grateful a friend called for the ambulance)

take care xxx They love you, really they love you

What Wabbit said Polar - do it - please.

They love you - we don't know you but care what happens to you - you posted, so you care too.

There are plenty of people out there who do.

Dear Friends and Colleagues - I did not have a miscarriage. My baby had anacephaly and I was advised to terminate the pregnancy. Its been so traumatic I couldn't find the words so just said I had (another) miscarriage.

Dear Baby - I am so sorry.

Dear DD - I am so sorry that you will now be an only child.

MsGee A very unmumsnetty (((hug))) for you xx

Thank you chinam. xx