Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

I’d sit on the money for a year and not make any rash decisions now.

Only you know your brothers and what they could do with the money.

I would do what your mother wanted and keep your share. You will risk messing up your relationship with your siblings if you don't. Giving people money does not lead to eternal gratitude and sensible spending. It usually leads to resentment on all sides.

It’s not a marital asset, it belongs to OP unless she chooses to use it jointly. I agree with what you’re saying in principle but it’s wrong to say it’s automatically marital property.

I wouldn't give them your share. You don't know if you might really need that money one day.

I agree with your husband. I would be incredibly frustrated if my husband did that. It’s family money and he was probably hoping to use some for retirement or just to treat yourselves after years of hard work.

You say you live a comfortable and mortgage free life. How much of that percentage wise has been funded by your husband? Was he the higher earner and the one who paid more?

And also this. Don't complicate your family relationships with money.

That would be for him to decide, just as OP has the right to decide how to use her own inheritance. It’s not considered a marital asset unless it’s used jointly.

As PP have said, the most sensible way to do this is a deed of variation so you do need to make the decision soon so you effectively not get the inheritance at all.
One suggestion may be to split your third into 3 again and keep that third giving the other 2 thirds to your brothers. That way you get something but you also give your brothers something.
I would recommend keeping something because you never know what may happen in the future and so having a nest egg for a rainy day may be helpful. I have helped one of my siblings out massively to buy a flat so I do understand the desire to help. But I haven't done it to the detriment of my own "fall back" funds ie if I lost my job tomorrow I have enough savings etc to survive

How would you feel if your brothers didn’t spend the money in an appropriate way? You wouldn’t be able to say what they use it for yet may end up disappointed. I’d take the money for now and see what they do with their share. If they need more in the future, you can gift them some money.

My brother has had a tough time, no fault of his own, my share of mums estate I have left in her house which brother lives in, I could have insisted in its sale but I dont need the money, the value of the house is there for the future. I don’t charge rent, my husband agrees so no issues.

Do what you think is right in your circumstances.

Agree with PPs to ‘sit on it’ for a year or so. And reflect on the things posters have raised, like why you’re financially secure for the moment (eg your or your H’s wages) and possible future scenarios for you and DC, if you have DC.

I wasn’t aware that inheritance is often not a ‘matrimonial asset’ in the UK.

Chat GPT says it ‘can become a marital asset if mixed with joint funds (like buying a family home with it) or if needed to meet the financial needs of a spouse or children in a divorce, overriding its non-matrimonial status. Key factors are timing (when received), use (mingled or kept separate), length of marriage, and the court's focus on meeting need’.

That's what I think too - any money either of you get is family money.

So @Handbaggez should take her husband's feelings into account.

Could there be a compromise? Maybe your husband would be happy enough for you to gift both brothers a chunk of your inheritance but not the whole amount.

This, will you be happy in the future if he makes similar decisions?
Do you both equally financially contribute to your life?

More detail needed.
do you have children?
Do you have 6 figure investments and goid pensions?
How much is it?

If you have children irrespectiveof amount... I agree with your dh. You have a duty as a parent to provide for them that overrides providing for two adult men.

Separately you say you are financially fine.
I am much better off than my younger brother.
Prekids I gave him a solid 6 figure share of an inheritance.

In my case it i felt morally he should have received 50% of the estate (unlike yours) so it was more clear cut but I had not considered
A. What he would do with it
B. How my own circs would change

He put it in dodgy investments / gambled and lost well over 100k and was unfazed. I developed a serious unexpected health condition that impacts my earning ability.

It leaves me feeling mixed.

This is good advice. You can always help them out further down the line. Also do you have children? You could put the money away for them.

Do you have children? Won’t your brothers still be able to buy?

Depends how your brothers have had a hard life. If it’s their own doing then I wouldn’t give up my share as they could waste it.
If that’s not the case, then you could do a deed of variation in the will, which I believe needs to be done before probate goes through.

I agree not to make any decision for at least 6 months to a year,

My opinion depends if you have kids

We've just put DD through 4 years of uni and it's cleaned out our savings and cost us every spare penny we have.
We're fucked if she gets married or if one of us need paid care as we get older.

I agree with this completely, being in the same situation. You feel you can afford to give your share away now OP but what about the future? Everyone needs savings, especially so if you have children. Kindly, the financial situation of your brothers is not your problem (even more so if they’re where they are due to money mismanagement. Us women do not exist to ‘fix’ men, relatives or not).

The pp gave good advice: you’re still grieving so why not put your share - minus whatever’s left after you’ve gone away for a break - into a high-interest savings account for six months or so, then see how you feel? You never know what’s around the corner and having ‘spare’ money is always better than the alternative.

I think a lot depends on information you haven’t told us.

How old are you and your brothers? (Might things change for you or them?)
How much money are we talking about? (There’s a big difference between £20k each and £200k each.)
Do you have, or are you intending to have, children? (You would essentially be giving up their right to benefit from your share of the money, now or later.)
Is your brothers' relative poverty a matter of bad luck, or have they worked less hard than you and your DH or spent their own earnings on extravagances?

I wonder whether you are an older sister who was brought up to feel it is your responsibility to look after your brothers.

In general I think it’s right for your DH to have a say. If you gave the money away and your brothers frittered it away or you and DH suffered some disaster in the future and needed it, your marriage would suffer.

To those saying that you should follow your DM’s wishes, I disagree. I’m of an age when I’m thinking about inheritance for my adult DC. I would never treat them differently and would ensure that they inherited equally, but what they choose to do with the money when I’m gone is of no interest to me.
My only concern about sharing your inheritance with your brothers is whether it will impact any children of yours in the future.

Your mum left it to you equally because she loved you equally. It can leave a horrible feeling if one child is overlooked in a will even if they don't need the money as much as others.

If you want to give your share to your brothers that's a lovely thing to do. And entirely your choice.

I agree with pp, follow your mother’s wishes.

It’s a difficult one. I can see where you’re coming from op. However, I would probably stay with what is in the will and put it aside or
invest it. You can always help your brothers out more later once you have had a chance to process everything.

As for your DH, it’s not his decision. Make sure he doesn’t pressure you to spend it on anything you don’t want.