Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

Well certainly in Ireland an heritence is not classed legally as “family money”

You’re in this comfortable position because you and your husband have worked together. I agree with him that “it’s [your.] brothers’ responsibility to sort themselves out“. Evidently your mother concurred with your DH and she was their parent - you’re not and neither is your DH by proxy.

There’s no enough info to say if that’s true- if their fortunate situation largely due to his income and efforts it’s unfair to say it has anything to do with him

Who has contributed most to the mortgage? If it’s not you I would keep your share. If you are a long term partnership I think your husband’s opinion should be considered but ultimately it’s your choice.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard when a parent dies.

There isn't enough information here to really form a full opinion. You don't indicate the size of the inheritance, whether or not you or your brothers have any children, what your DH's contributions to your household are etc. Is the inheritance a real life changing amount or is it not? Are your brothers savvy with money or does it burn a hole in their pockets

Although the inheritance is yours, I am kind of with your DH if it is a really large amount. We've always considered that inheritance is generally the money of the person who has inherited it, but we/they do tend to use it some for themselves and some for the benefit of the family. That's just our unspoken understanding. If either one of us just gave away a life changing sum like that then the other would quite likely feel somewhat resentful.

I lean towards just keeping things as your mother has specified in her will. That's how she wanted to dispose of her assets, in the way she felt fairest to each of her children - an equal split. It's far simpler, and it doesn't risk damaging your marriage.

If you share finances generally with your DH then YABU to not take his views into account.

It's yours to do with as you please. I would personally put a little bit of it away for myself just incase something unforseen happened. But wow she raised you guys beautifully. If your brother's would do the same for you, I think this is one of the loveliest things I've ever read. God bless you OP. What a beautiful heart.
.

Take your share then gift some to your brothers. I would keep some of it, I'm not sure if you have kids or other family members but put it away for them when they might need it. You can always help your brothers out later and you never know when something might happen and you need the money.

You are obliged to follow your mum’s wishes and receive your share of her inheritance.

Having received what your mum willed to you into your account, the money is yours to do with as you please.

I would think about my own offspring and my own investment for the future before gifting it all away though.
Gifting it all to your brothers is a grand and rather rash gesture indeed, - one you may come to regret and one which goes against your mum’s will.

You do need to give yourself time to think of how to use the money more wisely than simply giving it away.

You could very easily face financial difficulties overnight if you or your husband suddenly became disabled. For example, either of you had a Stroke or a serious accident leading to life changing injuries. Either of you could face serious illness and could choose to use the money to be treated privately rather than have to wait for treatment on the NHS.
I think you shoukd take the money for now. You can review your finances down the line and then decide if you still wanted to give it to your brothers.

Take your share and down the line if your brothers' need extra help maybe you could offer them something towards a deposit .

Bank it and don’t make any decisions for now. In our family, one sibling will inherit more than the rest of us… this is our parent’s decision as the sibling is single and is years behind the rest of us with their mortgage. I’m not thrilled about it, but on balance I do think it’s the right thing to do, and ultimately it’s our parent’s decision. So I’m wondering if your mum had ever mentioned this to you? Is it something she would have wanted?

It is your money and therefore your choice. What you could do is wait and not make any hasty decisions. Take the money and put it in a bank account for a year on a fixed rate of interest. Don’t allow your husband to spend it. Your brothers will also receive their share from the estate. See how they manage with that and if they make smart choices with it. Then make a decision on what you would like to do. My sibling is much more well off than I am and very generous, I could imagine this happening to me as I am often trying to convince them I am fine. By UK standards we are in the top 5% salary wise but still no where near sibling who is extremely wealthy and does not live in UK.

This.

It will be interesting to read Op's response to some of the questions on this thread.

Most parents would leave equally to their children as they don’t want it to cause a family rift after their passing. That doesn’t mean they would be against you sharing. Maybe they want you to have the choice of what you do with the money rather than leaving you out and making you feel like you were not valued by your parent. I know my mum would always want me to share with my sibling and for us to take care of each other when she was no more.

Agreed. She might also want you to take your husband’s wishes into consideration too. You and he are financial partners. Investing and watching what develops might be the best option for you.

It's your inheritance but whether you accept it will make a big difference to DH as well, so you can't say it is nothing to do with him. If one of you becomes ill or has to stop working, the money could be life changing. Why not offer your brothers say 10 percent of your share and keep the rest?

Is your brothers share each not enough for them to stick a deposit for a house down anyway?

Also is your husband due any inheritance and if so what are his plans for it? Or if hes already received it have you benefited from it as a family? Because if so i'd understand his point entirely. I do side with Husband on this (rarely seems to happen on MN 🤣) but I will never get any form of inheritance so I literally cannot imagine giving it away.

I do think it's a nice thought for your brothers but as a PP said being financially comfortable now doesn't mean you will always be that way. I have beem in the position of everything going wrong in a short space of time (heating and plumbing system knackered, roof leak, damp proofing needed, loads of repairs and white goods needing replacements, espensive vet bills for poorly cat) and was lucky enough to have redundancy money to use on this but without that i'd be screwed and probably have to get into debt because i've no savings.

I think you should take your share of the money

I don’t know as we don’t have enough info. Firstly if you have any DC, as it’s expensive out there and i’d make sure my own DC were ok before a sibling. My ex always used to say he would give his 1/3 share of any future inheritance to his elder brother as he is in social housing, but then he had his own DC and elder brother has prioritised paid education over housing.

I’d also want to know why DB don’t own their own homes. May be factors beyond their control, or maybe they haven’t helped themselves. My own brother is 51 and he is annoyed he is struggling to upgrade to a house. I think he is annoyed I will be buying a house in similar area soon but i’ve worked hard for 25yrs and progressed in my career. He spent many years not even working and last 12yrs has been in a pretty poorly paid job. He is capable of much more but doesn’t push himself. But then complains. So I do think it very much depends on the situation. Even if I was in a better financial position and had paid off a mortgage I still would take my share as I have 3 x DC who i’d help over my DB.

It really should be your decision. Can you not do a bit of both? Give brothers some of your share but not all?

It’s a tough one because I can see both sides. And there are a lot of “what ifs”. What if you gave your share away but your brothers didn’t use it sensibly (eg as a deposit on a house)? What about your children (if you have children)? You could do a deed of variation to forgo your share and give it to them instead (in trust for now if they are young). That would help them hugely, maybe as a deposit to a property, or to save them from racking up student loans. What if your husband and you were to divorce? You’d probably need the money then.

I am in a similar position in that I have a good job (though a large mortgage) while my brother doesn’t earn much and doesn’t own a property. In my case I think my mother will leave everything to my brother and I know I’ll find that really hard because of what it represents symbolically. I think your mum has done the only fair thing and I’m not sure I would give it all away, for the reasons mentioned above.

Also in my case, when I was married I might have felt like you, as my ex was a high earner and our joint financial future looked pretty comfortable. However after divorce (which I never expected and didn’t want), I have had to start again with a large mortgage at nearly 50 and I’m genuinely worried about how I’ll pay it off by retirement. I only live in a modest 3 bed semi but property is expensive in my town and I have to live here because of school, my job etc so not an option to downsize somewhere cheaper (and I won’t want to move elsewhere on retirement either, as all my friends are here and being single, having friends nearby is important to me). So you need to keep the possibility of unwelcome life changes in mind.

@Handbaggez
It's a very selfless act from you.
If the world followed your altruistic values and those who already live in comfort and have enough gave to those who are in need of extra help, imagine what a better world we'd be living in.

Hallywally
Nothing to do with your husband- tell him to butt out.
While I think op is lovely wanting to help her brothers, a lot of couples are teams and they talk about family money etc. In an extreme example he could be primary bread earner and or she could be a sahm so then all money in the house has to be their money or else it’s really not fair.

Op I know a lot of people are talking about kids but even without kids while money looks good now for you it might not always