Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

I don't care what chatgbt says:) marital asset- what a description!

Your mother did her will. She did it fairly according to her wishes, presumably took advice on tax.
You don't know if she has helped out your brothers in the past.

Take the money with good grace. Bank it. Forget about it. Grieve your mother.

I agree with this. A marriage is a partnership. Presumably he’s also contributed, and possibly made sacrifices as you might have done to get yourselves into the position that you are today?

I think it’s really unreasonable not to discuss it with him in the first instance. Ultimately yes, it’s your money and your decision. But your brothers are already about to receive a help with their own shares anyway.

Have you spoke to a solicitor about this? Believe it is more tax efficient to do a variation to the will, rather than receive your share and gift it from that.

Depending on the value, is there room for compromise - for example if you are to receive 100k each, vary your shares so that you receive 50k, and your brothers 75k?

Is your good fortune being a mortgage free home owner partly down to DH? Do you have DC? Are your DBs good with money but in lower paid jobs? How comfortable is fairly comfortable financially?

My question wasn't about legality. I understand that, legally, she can do what she wants. I can imagine a woman saying her husband deciding to do something like this, and I think the answer might be somewhat different.
As for the actual proposal here, we don't know enough about the whole situation to give a proper answer. There are too many variables, too many other things that might tip the balance.
As for me, if I was the spouse I might feel that I was below the brothers in the pecking order. That the person inheriting didn't feel I counted.

When you gift money-you have no control over what it is spent on. A gift is a gift. How would you feel if you handed over your share and one or both brothers then didnt buy a house, or bought a house you didnt approve of or that they could have afforded anyway?
Even if you didnt mind would this cause issues between yourself and your husband?

any chance your brothers could be offended by this and feel it is grandiose?

Can you take it for now, and think about it for the next 6-12 months. See if you feel differently as your grief progresses. See if they show buying signals etc and offer a smaller contribution then to support.

I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

I take bith you and your husband worked to pay off the mortgage? You say “I, my and we” so just checking it was something you both worked for and paid off

I agree with DH

Unless you are very wealthy it is additional security for retirement/ if you become unwell, split up etc etc.

I think you are being shortsighted. If you and your dh split up would you be able to buy a home in the area you currently live in? Do you have children?

How would you feel if you give your share your brothers and then they fritter it away rather than use it or invest it for the longterm?

I also think it is pretty poor not to discuss it with your dh. Presumably you are mortgage free now and in a comfortable position now and he has contributed to that? So why shouldn't he be able to express an opinion.

I should have added that I’ve always had separate finances a good career and pensions which I spend as I wish. I get on well with my husband if we weren't both secure I might take a different view.

You need to set out a) what your and DH respective financial contributions have been thus far, b) your respective ages c) your retirement plans before anyone can sensibly comment. Being mortgage free is not the be all and end all if in fact DH has many years ahead of paying into a pension and wants to reduce that. Agree with PP if this was a man posting there wouldn’t be any “your money tell DW to butt out” style posts!

I agree.
What about a DH deciding to give a sibling half of his salary, would the spouse also be told that « it’s his money »?

a friend of mine did this exact same thing. She gave her inheritance to a sibling who, although had a small flat, was able to trade up to a bigger place. Her parents had said to her previously to try and help her sibling but still shared the estate out equally. Probably lay not as uncommon as you think.

Hard to give the right answer without knowing in what way your brothers have "had it harder" than you. If for example they suffered very bad luck through no fault of their own, I would agree. If they have made poor choices and squandered opportunities I would disagree - and not in order to be punitive. Repeatedly bailing out people who continue to refuse to take responsibility for their own lives doesn't help people in the long run, it harms them. It's a very kind and selfless idea but depending on the reasons for their difficulties, it could easily do them more harm than good.

I think that is a very selfless thing to do and you’re acting with a kindness regarding the will which is very rare in these kinds of situations. Could you compromise with your husband and gift some of the money to help them?

do you have kids? If you do I wouldn’t give it to your brothers if my own children would benefit from it.

As a widow, I would take your share of the inheritance. Your life may look rosy now in comparison to your two brothers, but things can change in the blink of an eye. I didn’t expect my fit, healthy husband to get cancer and die. It’s not a good idea to make financial decisions that assume nothing is ever going to change.

I think in a marriage it is family money. Giving away a substantial sum of money counts as a big financial decision in my book. Are you sure you have adequate pension provisions, what if one of you were to be diagnosed with something really awful like a life and work limiting illness. However if you are stinking rich and it means nothing to give it away the. It would be a lovely thing to do.

It's difficult to tell whether you are being unreasonable without more information, e.g.:

• Why haven't your brothers been able to get on the property ladder before now?
• Are your brothers married and, if so, might their wives inherit from their parents at some point?
• Do you and your DH have children?
• Are you and your DH comfortable enough that you are absolutely certain that you definitely won't need this money in the future?

Your DH sounds a bit cheeky referring to your inheritance as our inheritance. However, if he has inherited from his parents and he treated the money as joint, I can see why he would expect you to behave in the same way.

I agree with this. Your brothers may not spend it sensibly on a house, they could potentially blow it all on fripperies or unnecessary luxuries. I am not saying they will do this but you have zero control over what they do with the money once it's handed over.

How would you feel if they spent the money irresponsibly knowing that your mother wanted it to go to you? These are things to consider.

Your husband has nothing to do with your decision but I do think giving money to people with expectations of what the money will be spent on is a very, very bad idea. Someone is going to end up hugely disappointed and resentful.

Agree.

If you really want, put it in an investment and leave it there and leave it to them on your death.

I think it’s foolish to give it away and it’s not what she wanted. Xo

If you don’t need the money you’ll get far more joy helping your brothers out x

It isn’t true that her DH has nothing to do with her decision.

Couples financially plan their lives and retirement jointly. By giving money away they will have to work longer.

It is a way of saying that OP's sense of guilt combined with grief may not lead to the best decisions. Her mother probably made the will at a less difficult time and may have been thinking with more clarity.

He’s your husband, surely he gets a say? I inherited recently and split it between me and my husband (our kids had already been included in the will). This was mostly for tax purposes, but I very much see it as ‘our’ money, as he would.