Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

It’s a very nice gesture you’re suggesting. However, why has your husband mentioned that your brothers should look after themselves.

You say your brothers have had it harder. In what respects? You also say you’re mortgage free, so I’m guessing you’re also older, and you and your husband gave both worked hard, been responsible with money, made sensible decesions etc.

Someone upthread posed the question, how woukd you feel if they squandered the money on fast cars and holidays? Are they responsible with money? Would it be better to hold onto the money, and when they are in a position to buy a house, then gift them the deposit?

I think what you are suggesting is very kind to your brothers

There are a couple of things I would consider:
Do you have DC? If so I would consider giving them the money
What are the quantities involved? If it's an amount that won't materially affect your life but really help your brothers then I would give it to them.

So if they take the money and piss it up the wall how will you feel?

The sentiment is lovely but it's hard to say without knowing why your lifestyles are so financially different.

Is your financially comfortable position all your own doing or has your husband contributed towards this achievement?

Will you still be financially comfortable if you divorce or are widowed?

Has your husband inherited anything or will he be likely to?

Do you have children?

Is the difference between inheriting one third and one half an amount that will make a huge difference for your brothers?

I don't think you should make big decisions like this whilst possibly still grieving.

What happens if your brothers take your share and DO NOT use it to buy a property/wisely?

Why does your husband feel the way he does?

I'm assuming you don't have children. Are you likely to ?

I'm wondering what the response would be if the husband inherited a large sum of money and decided to do whatever he wanted with it. Buy a boat and sail around the world by himself for example? Give up work entirely? Give it all to the cats home?

To be honest, what the brothers do with the money if they’re given it is absolutely not the issue here
It’s the fact that the DH thinks he has any say over what she does with her money
Inheritance is usually ring fenced in a divorce
So it’s not family money it’s her money
And he has no say over it

Is your financially comfortable position all your own doing or has your husband contributed towards this achievement?

This is critical imo

If your husband has contributed to your current affluent lifestyle, then imo it would be very unkind to DH not to accept your inheritance

This.

Your inheritance is money that comes into the marriage and therefore you and your dh should make a joint decision about it. It isn't for you to make a unilateral decision. Presumably one of the reasons that you are in a better financial position than your brothers is because of you AND your dh's financial decisions over the years.

I would not be giving it to my brothers.

Main reasons - I'm sorry but mid-six figures is enough to buy a house and have a small nest egg. They might want to buy a house in an expensive area or whatever, but that's on them! Round here a nice semi in a decent area is about £170k and a 2 bed bungalow in an over 50s place around £120k. Plenty left over from say £300k.

Secondly what if they continue to have it harder make poor decisions with your money? How would you feel?

In any case it is unwise to make any major decisions in the year or two after a significant bereavement. So at the very least you need to take the money and sit on this for a while.

I am very sorry for your loss

I disagree

The OP has clearly stated that she wants her brothers to have the opportunity to buy property

What if they don't or dont want to buy or simply waste the money

Do you have kids?
I wouldn't do this personally. Your mum wanted you to have your share.

It's a lovely idea OP but I think you need to sit on it for a while so that your not making any decisions you might regret further down the line.

The Mums wishes are in her will

Split money 3 ways

Not give OPs share to her brothers

All of this.

How on earth do you know what Mum would think OTHER than we know for sure that her wishes are to split the money 3 ways

If you have benefited from your DHs contributions towards your comfortable lifestyle then I think you should consider this as much as your brothers.

Money comes and goes OP. Tomorrow is not certain - what if you need that money at some point? If you have children then that is their share in the future I would think. Do your brothers have children who would benefit from the share to help them make their way?

Does your DH stand to receive an inheritance or has had one? Would you be happy to be excluded from that?

Unless you’re super wealthy (and from your own contributions) you should follow what your mother wants.

Take your share and gift whatever you want to your brothers. That way it’s a present from you.

And your husband don’t really have a say in this. Tell him you will consider his proposal but the decision is yours to make.

In England and Wales a spouse isn’t automatically entitled to half of your inheritance. It’s generally treated as non-matrimonial property providing it’s kept separate from joint assets. There have been several threads on MN lately on this subject from women whose husbands have inherited and they’ve pretty much been told the same thing.

I'm in the position where my husband did sign a deed of variation to the terms of his parents will to hand his share to his sister. In his case though the grandchildren had had separate inheritances from the will (greater than the children's shares) and his sisters husband had died, leaving her with two teenage children. Meanwhile we had paid off our mortgage and have substantial savings and investments.

I don't think we would have done it if we felt it would negatively impact our children - and it was a joint decision. I do think that in a decision of this size it has to be a joint decision. Remember that without a deed of variation there could also be tax implications.

I wonder how many pages this will get to before @Handbaggez comes back to the thread…

I really believe that when you get married you agree to share everything, and so imo your husband does get a say. How are your finances sorted? One pot of money? Have you contributed equally to the pot over the years?

I think it’s reasonable to think that DM split it equally three ways in the interests of fairness and to avoid family squabbles. I don’t think it necessarily means that she would disapprove of OP’s desire to share it between her brothers. She can contact the executor of the will nd formally refuse the gift, in which case it would be split equally among the remaining beneficiaries.

What’s the point of being a partnership if you don’t make joint decisions?

can you compromise on a decision?

does your dh make solo decisions against your wishes? How does it normally work with money decisions?