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Original poster

Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

487 replies

Handbaggez · 13/01/2026 23:26

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

OP posts:
OldGothsFadeToGrey · 15/01/2026 19:10

Ally886 · 15/01/2026 18:46

Full pay and pension through maternity.

Yes school runs tend to fall to me but he does all cooking, cleaning, shopping and planning.

I work away approx 20 days per year, no issue with DH doing school run and child managing. Big believer in men and women working together and no pink and blue jobs

Show quote history

But that in itself contradicts what you said about each of you playing no part in the others career, unless you don’t recognise the value in how it does. You do more pick ups. He does more cleaning etc. Why have you worked it that way - normally it’s due in some way to work. no pink and blue jobs in this house either - DH is the bigger earner but also does the majority of pick ups, I work full time but longer hours to do fewer days. This in itself is supporting each other’s careers.

Reducing hours, increasing hours, location of work, planning around pick ups, sharing housework and cooking etc. DH wouldn’t have the flexibility to do certain things with work if I wasn’t picking up some of this, and vice versa.

FancyHelper · 15/01/2026 19:10

I would take my share of the inheritance and then over the years I would gift it to my brothers, as and when they needed it eg car problems, house issues etc

Boxoffrogs21 · 15/01/2026 19:18

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/01/2026 23:42

A different perpective on that…. I know my parents will splits everything equally between me and my siblings. They have done that because they have always been, and want to be, fair to all of us and treat us all equally. To them that’s the right thing to do. However, I don’t need it so I know the right thing to do is then help the sibling that, through no fault of their own, is not in the same position as I am. To me that’s the right thing to do.

My parents would almost certainly hope that’s what I’d do, but they’d never presume to preempt that by reflecting it in their will. My husband is already dead, but I know that he’d also support my approach if he were still alive…because we don’t need it. If it was going to impact our lifestyle then of course he’d have been right it have an opinion. But if it isn’t, then it’s of no concern to him.

edited to add that for context we are probably talking about a mid 6 figure sum. Enough to ensure a moderately comfortable old age for my sibling, and a roof over their head - without my regifting they’d probably have a home but little income.

Edited
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I agree. My mum is a lot better off than her siblings but her parents' estate was split equally between the three of them anyway. I think this is the fairest way to do it and the least likely to leave people with any worries about whether they were equally loved/valued/cared for. She then gave her siblings some of her share each and left the rest to my children (I've already had plenty from my parents).

Ifyounevergiveup · 15/01/2026 19:20

saraclara · 13/01/2026 23:46

Be aware that if the money arrives in your account and you give it away, it will count as a gift with regard to inheritance tax, and should you die within seven years, your estate will have to pay you to 40% tax on it. So your beneficiaries will lose a lot of money.

If you truly don't want to take the inheritance, you need to sign a deed of variation before it is paid to you, and then it will go straight to your brothers without any potential IHT issues.

(I'm not a tax expert, have just learned a lot while having to deal with my mum's estate)

Hi. This post is bang on. If you go ahead and gift your inheritance in whole or in part to others, you can get rid of the problem of the seven year tax rule on gifts etc. if you ask the solicitor dealing with the estate to treat what you want to do as an amendment to the original will. This is perfectly legal and is done all the time if the original beneficiaries want to make the change. For example, a beneficiary who is a 50% taxpayer already might wish the inheritance to be transferred elsewhere so that they don’t pay 50% tax on the interest it earns. Or, like you, they might be very grateful but feel the money should go elsewhere. As others have said, this is your inheritance, you can decide what to do, I just didn’t want you worrying about potentially giving someone else a tax liability were you to die within seven years. Lastly and far more importantly, I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️

Applesonthelawn · 15/01/2026 19:23

My DH chose to give his share of his mother's estate to his sisters too. I thought it was none of my business and have never commented on it. My DH is extremely generous and I have benefitted a lot from his generosity in our marriage.

Ally886 · 15/01/2026 19:45

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 15/01/2026 19:10

But that in itself contradicts what you said about each of you playing no part in the others career, unless you don’t recognise the value in how it does. You do more pick ups. He does more cleaning etc. Why have you worked it that way - normally it’s due in some way to work. no pink and blue jobs in this house either - DH is the bigger earner but also does the majority of pick ups, I work full time but longer hours to do fewer days. This in itself is supporting each other’s careers.

Reducing hours, increasing hours, location of work, planning around pick ups, sharing housework and cooking etc. DH wouldn’t have the flexibility to do certain things with work if I wasn’t picking up some of this, and vice versa.

Edited
Show quote history

I think we all do what's best for us and your way sounds like it works. I'm certainly not looking to criticise.

DH could do school runs, he just finds it a pain and I'm happy to talk to the other mums. I could do the shopping and cooking but he's better at it. Those two things are irrelevant of work. We both have enough flexibility to allow each of us to go the extra mile at work but neither of us does loads more than the other.

Personally, if my husband got a bit of money (inheritance, premium bonds, bonus), I'd be fairly disappointed if he kept it for himself and didn't allow me an opinion

Blablibladirladada · 15/01/2026 19:51

Hmmm…

Your mum did great giving you your share. But I don’t think that means you can’t do what you want from it…

ask honestly what your hubby wants from it and try and work both for your brothers and your hubby. He probably doesn’t want to feel you put your brothers above him…and having a good life is not the question. It isn’t really a competition but more…wanting to be seen and heard? I think. If he wants nothing from it then give it to your brothers 👏🏼

DeftWasp · 15/01/2026 19:56

Changingplace · 13/01/2026 23:31

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think I’d follow what was in the will, it was your mums choice to split her assets as are did, I would take the inheritance.

With kindness, I would also not make any big decisions over and above that right now, you’ve had a lot to deal with having lost your mum, don’t rush into big choices like this.

I’d accept the inheritance, put it in the bank and not do anything for minimum 6 months.

This is in my opinion very sound advice, you can still make a gift to your brothers later if you wish, for now I would just take it and sit on it.

Teddybear23 · 15/01/2026 20:00

You say ‘fairly comfortably’. That isn’t rolling rich is it. How can you consider it?? Your circumstances could VERY easily change one day and you’ll regret giving it away. Your children, if you have any, could well do with some help in the future getting on the housing ladder, driving lessons etc. I assume your mum was mentally sound when she died? If so then she knew what she was doing and would have changed the Will if she wanted you to get nothing.

Pessismistic · 15/01/2026 20:08

Hi op this is interesting yes it’s nice you want to help your brothers but how much does your dh contribute to you pr success like paying your mortgage off and having savings did he put anything towards this? If he did I can see why he’s annoyed you might be better off financially but have you had to really hard for this sacrifice anything. I’m all for helping others but it’s not your fault they don’t own homes people choose to spend their money differently. I wouldn’t fall out with dh over this.

Dollyfloss · 15/01/2026 20:10

Wow. I can’t imagine my dh ever thinking he had the right to tell me what to do with an inheritance my dm had left me.

You do what you want with it OP.

Keyboarddance · 15/01/2026 20:19

littlemousebigcheese · 13/01/2026 23:31

I believe that if you’re married, it’s family money. If it was the other way round, people would be furious at the suggestion of your husband deciding without your input. Your mother wanted you to have a share, it’s half your husbands. I don’t think it’s fair to disregard arguably two of the most important people in your life’s opinions?

I agree, find it puzzling when people don’t share everything with their spouse. Me and my husband are completely “what’s mine is yours”.

pipthomson · 15/01/2026 20:22

MyQuirkyFinch · 13/01/2026 23:27

I would follow what my mother has said in the will and take my third. If she wanted just your brothers to have it she would’ve said that.

Tell your husband to butt out not being enabled to spend your own money as you wish is a sign of coercive behaviour you are acting with generosity of spirit which will pay off in the future does he have a fear of economic insecurity or is he just a bit entitled?

Itsthesameeveryday · 15/01/2026 20:26

@Handbaggez

Do you have enough set aside to retire comfortably, without this inheritance?

knor · 15/01/2026 20:30

Aww what a lovely thing to do OP. I totally get where you’re coming from and I think your brothers would be so touched!
is it a very large amount? Life changing money?
I would only gently say, you feel you don’t need the money now but you don’t know what the future holds. A family member of mine (a few generations up) didn’t want any inheritance for kind of similar reasons but her circumstances massively changed and she didn’t have any money.
could you give part of the money to them? Could you treat them to a holiday instead?
ultimately, it’s your decision though, not your husbands. But if it were me, I would accept the inheritance as the future is unpredictable. Good luck, whatever you choose

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 15/01/2026 20:36

How the hell is this up to 500 posts when the OP hasn’t even been back?!

RollOnSunshine · 15/01/2026 20:37

Far more information is needed to offer you reasoned opinions

Do you both work?
Do you earn similar amounts?
What are both of your attitudes towards saving/spending?
Do you have children?

ColdBlueSky · 15/01/2026 20:40

@FlatWhiteExtraHot
I know - it’s a mystery isn’t it..

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 15/01/2026 20:41

WWYD??

Respond to the thread I made that people took time and effort to reply to at the very least

BrickBiscuit · 15/01/2026 20:57

RollOnSunshine · 15/01/2026 20:37

Far more information is needed to offer you reasoned opinions

Do you both work?
Do you earn similar amounts?
What are both of your attitudes towards saving/spending?
Do you have children?

Edited

... Why are your brothers so hard up?

Lardychops · 15/01/2026 21:06

SandyY2K · 13/01/2026 23:30

I don't agree with your husband saying "our share".

It's your inheritance. Not his.

Won't the inheritance Your brothers get be enough to sort themselves out though?

Sod that they’re married!
If my DH gave his inheritance away and we weren’t multi millionaires I’d leave him plain and simple!

SandyY2K · 15/01/2026 21:16

Lardychops · 15/01/2026 21:06

Sod that they’re married!
If my DH gave his inheritance away and we weren’t multi millionaires I’d leave him plain and simple!

Edited
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I wouldn't see DHs inheritance as mine, so he could do what he wants with it. I also don't think he should see my inheritance as his. I can treat him, but we've always had separate finances.

The OP must obviously be in a very good financial position to even contemplate giving her inheritance away.

Pistachiocake · 15/01/2026 21:37

Depending on your/you husband's beliefs "with thee all my wordly goods I share", once you marry all money is owned by both (some people think). Obviously you don't necessarily have those beliefs, and the law does vary depending where you live (I definitely won't just assume you live in England and got married in a church-those things didn't apply to me when I married so I won't guess other people's situations).
But if you've got kids/other dependants, I would keep at least some of the money. You never know what could happen. You could keep it in an account to help your brothers in an emergency too.

doyouright · 15/01/2026 21:43

You do what you think is right. You sound like a brilliant person

RavenhairedRachel · 15/01/2026 21:48

In the interests of fairness I would take my share