Conflict with DH regarding my inheritance

[Handbaggez]

Good evening all,

my mum passed away and we are about to receive our inheritance from their estate. This will be split equally between me and my two brothers. I get on extremely well with both of my brothers.

I want to forgo my share of the inheritance and have it split between my two brothers. They have both had it harder than I have and neither of them own their own property yet. I have been fortunate to be able to buy my own and we are now mortgage free and fairly comfortable financially.

DH strongly disagrees and says that we have to take our share of the inheritance. He feels that it’s my brother’s responsibility to sort themselves out. I’m disappointed by his attitude and I still really want to help my brother’s out by allowing them to have my share of the inheritance.

WWYD??

Me too, in my case there would be some long held sensitivity that I wasn’t his main family when it comes to it, that’s still his mum and siblings. So doing this would set that right off.

I think my viewpoint seems to match at least 50% of the comments here.

of course op may have worked hard too, but disposing of wealth without the agreement of the other spouse is a violation of the marriage,

OH and I don’t think a husband whose wife passes up a quarter of a million to give to a brother is a shithead to be pissed off.

@Handbaggez the key is fairly comfortable I think from I assume both of your hard work and now rather than changing from fairly to completely comfortable particularly one assumes in retirement you are choosing to help your brothers who by the way are getting a pretty big cash injection anyway

I totally agree.

Hmmm I’m a bit torn on this. I would like to know a few more things.

1. are you truly rich? Is to the point that this inheritance truly makes no difference to you or your DC, if you have them, or the age you or your husband could retire? If not, then you and your whole direct family are sacrificing something, so can understand them wanting a voice.
2. Is also want to know more about your circumstances. Eg do you contribute as much to the couple as your husband? Either through earnings or other contribution like raising family? Or is he primarily the one providing the money without your help? If the latter, I could understand why he might feel that your opportunity to contribute should be welcomed. Especially if it’s an amount that eg would mean he has to work longer to make up for
3. How tough a situation are your brothers in and are they responsible for this? If it’s just they’ve made different life choices, and aren’t desperate, then I don’t see why they have earned this charity effectively.
4. also, if you normally have joint finance, and this money would bring ease or pleasure for DH as well as you, then whether the brothers like and are good to him should matter, if you are sacrificing on both your behalves.
5. id also be curious to know if your DH has been generous with equivalent wealth of his I. The past, allowing you to benefit from it?

I think all these things matter.
ie if you have agreed separate finances, are incredibly rich, you are already the main contributor, and your brothers are desperate through no fault of their own, then agree it’s a no brainer to give the brothers your share and your DH can mind his own business. If your finances are joint, and you don’t work or bring up children, and he slaves a way to make sure you are both well off and/ or your brothers are managing fine or useless layabouts who are rubbish to him, then my sympathies would be with your H.

An inheritance is a gift that will never be repeated.

My parents split their's equally between four of us. We all had very different financial circumstances. One sibling was renting and always short of money, the rest of owned or were buying our properties and managed to budget.

To this day, despite the six figure handout, the renting sibling is not massively better off or secure. They simply aren't very good with money or making sensible decisions.

Giving someone money doesn't necessarily guarantee a happy outcome.

I would take your third and put it in a safe investment. See how your brothers fare with the thirds they are each given. In the future, if they still need help with something then offer to fund it directly

I would never see my sibling go under or without so I have some 'just in case' funds to help them if and when they need it.

Op has left the building ….

Riiiiight. 🤔

Not that I give much of a toss tbh but since you brought it up, wouldn't that mean that at least half of the people on here agree with me? And disagree with you?

I think this is the most sensible approach

Yes. But “shithead” is hardly the term to use when at least half the people disagree with you. Argue that he’s wrong, argue why he’s wrong. You go straight in for insults to a man who may have his life changed by some money his wife is donating to someone outside the family unit.

I think it's a lovely thought, but what if your brothers don't use the money to buy a property? If they spent it on something else instead, would you feel resentment?

I don't think you understand 'marriage'. Culturally, the expectation is that the couple works as a team with shared goals. If the same money were a huge salary bonus, for example, it would be a marital asset in law. That an inheritance might remain outside that category is a legal nicety, not a licence to sideline the relationship. Presumably the husband in your example would have been footing the bills while other parent did childcare. And he may think the inheritance could be best used funding that parent's early retirement and pension. It's you that deserves short shrift (and perhaps the brothers too, until we know how they ended up poorer).

Do we even know if the brothers want to accept or if they think their sister is acting like lady bountiful and they would resent it

And if the husband inherited £250k, all his yes? Shouldn't benefit his wife at all? He could stop working and then there's no salary for the household. By your logic the inheritance is still all his and not to spend on food for the family.

If we're speculating, what's to say her staying at home had any benefit on her husband's career? My husband and I were successful before children and after. He has had no part to play in my career and I have played no part in his. If a woman wants to progress, and her children don't require additional care, she should and there's no reason that narrative should be trotted out.

In my circles, money is money and shared with those you love, regardless of it's source

I totally agree - it works both ways - also many women are happy to make choices to not run themselves ragged and have a part time job or spell of SAHM and quite rightly if it’s joint decision the bloke has to step up and keep working full time/overtime etc . If it’s a true partnership then it should be a joint decision whether to keep that money whether it’s imminently needed or not . Pretty sure many mumsnetters wouldn’t approve if he inherited and decided he wanted to give it all to charity /his sister etc

Didn’t you take maternity leave then? Miss out on promotions, pension contributions, salary? Do school pick ups? Have to turn down working away etc?

There are plenty of ways that people support the other partner in a marriage

Follow your heart - this is not your husband’s business

When you have money and are sorted its
easy to hand money out but things may change and you may regret not taking it. I
Know someone who gifted 200k to family members and is now having to sell assets due to unforeseen circs.
your brothers are receiving a share, i would keep the money in savings you jus never know when it’s needed.
Not everyone agrees but I feel when your married then inheritances should be shared and your mums wishes should be honoured. She may feel your brothers wouldn’t be sensible or make wise choices.
x

Your mother wanted you to have a third, despite your brothers not owing property- honour her wishes and take it. Help your brothers out , without mentioning it to your OH casually. Not everyone is together enough to own property, and some people don't want to- there are probably good reasons why your brothers don't own property.
How would you feel if you gave to them, but they decided to blow the money on something fun? Once you have redistributed the inheritance you have no control over how they spend it.

Full pay and pension through maternity.

Yes school runs tend to fall to me but he does all cooking, cleaning, shopping and planning.

I work away approx 20 days per year, no issue with DH doing school run and child managing. Big believer in men and women working together and no pink and blue jobs

It’s your money so your human can have a opinion bit no decision power

Take the money. Put it into a separate account and wait and see. It could be at some point in time your brothers really may need assistance in later life. Got to assume your Mother would have specified otherwise and, knew that there would be that time i.e. better you hold the money than let them have it now. Difficult really to answer as you have not said why you think your Brothers deserve it all nor, have you said whether they work or their ages. Your Mother may have been far wiser than you give her credit for. Why is your husband anti given you say you do not need the money. Perhaps he is trying to protect your inheritance from being squandered rather than necessarily wanting it. He is totally correct in saying it is your Brothers responsibility how their lives mapped out not yours. Again, your Mother may well have seen or heard more than you know and thus made her Will appropriately and, as a result, you should carry out her wishes.

I don’t think OP is coming back

One thing about life is that, circumstances can change so easily. I would act in your mother's interest and keep that money for a rainy day.