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Original poster

husbands debt is crippling!

411 replies

C22 · 01/11/2023 11:06

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 01/11/2023 22:13

You say car things as if he has a hobby car or similar, I'm hoping so as that could be easily downgraded to pay off some debt.

What an idiot your H is.
Stay strong, you've got this.

Crazymadchickenlady · 01/11/2023 22:18

Don’t you pay interest straight away when you take cash out in a credit card? The few weeks you get interest free when doubly it off each month doesn’t count for cash I think. It’s a really expensive way of getting cash.

LIZS · 01/11/2023 22:18

If it is now 13.5k on cc how is so relatively little supposed to be drug related? That seems like a lot not accounted for yet, especially as there was £400 "payments" being made too.

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 22:21

Oh he will definitely be paying it himself,
I am in no way helping him anymore.
he was told this earlier when he hit out with it’ll cause him to land on his arse! He’s already on his arse and not my problem to help him up,

car bits as in maybe seat covers, mats, air fresheners etc, he definitely can’t sell the car as he needs it to get to work plus he’d have negative equity so wouldn’t make anything on it anyway.

I would like to think he isn’t using drugs now. But the lies make me question anything that comes out his mouth right now

OP posts:
Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 22:24

you do pay cash fees yeah, I can see them all on the statements, ridiculous

Ive checked every single statement twice and from what I can see it’s definitely spending he didn’t need to do!

OP posts:
YourWinter · 01/11/2023 22:32

Whatever he’s still trying to hide, I hope you find out what it was. But you will never, ever be able to trust that he is telling you the truth.

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 22:44

I honestly from the bottom of my heart appreciate every single comment today, you have all kept me sane when I was stuck in my own thoughts about ti blow my lid!

don’t know what the future holds but I can only hope I decide very soon 😘

OP posts:
Crazymadchickenlady · 01/11/2023 22:50

You don’t have to decide soon! It’s your life and you can decide how you want it to carry on. Don’t be pushed into any quick decisions and you can change your mind whenever you want whatever you decide now.

LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 23:24

Is he younger, OP? Sounds like he is treating you as a mummy figure. That would gall me.

He needs to double down on the work, grab every hour he can, clean houses in his downtime (or some other gig work) and grovel. Even then I wouldn't be keeping him.

Can your son come and stand by you while your partner packs his bags? I think you need him to leave for a while, regardless of your final decision.

good luck! Try to get some sleep.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 02/11/2023 00:38

I doubt you have the full story here

Surely you'd have noticed if he had a coke habit?

So going forward, is he just going to not use ever again? How on earth could you ever trust him?

Bournetilly · 02/11/2023 03:02

If he’s been spending as much as he says he has on coke then he’s not just going to be able to give it up and pay off the debts, he’s an addict.

With no young children/ children at home I. honestly think you should leave him.

weirdoboelady · 02/11/2023 08:37

I'm asking again, for your protection. Have you checked the mortgage payments and how much is outstanding?

GnomeDePlume · 02/11/2023 08:52

The story still isn't adding up. He should have at least some things to show for his excess spending unless the spending on coke has been way more than he is admitting.

Some new car seat covers, mats etc wouldn't add up to more than a small number of £100s.

decionsdecisions62 · 02/11/2023 09:02

We have a VW transporter that we converted ourselves and we didn't rack up that much debt and you can really spend on VW transporter stuff. His story doesn't add up! Buying air fresheners! I mean are you that gullible op that he can come out with a line like that?

LadyDanburysHat · 02/11/2023 11:32

Just coming back to this. What a horrible shock for you @C22 . I'm not sure I could see a way forward to stay married to someone who did this. It's such a betrayal of your trust.

I do hope that he at least is a hell of a lot more contrite after the phonecall where he was told that you are right to feel how you do.

I really wish you the best of luck going forward, you must be absolutely reeling right now.

Leopardpj · 02/11/2023 11:37

So sorry OP.
As PP have said it doesn't really add up to me, even after you seeing the statements - don't you think you'd have noticed behaviour changes if you were living with someone who was taking that much coke? Like £610 worth in one night? What?!
Either way, he's either effectively stolen from you to fund a secret drug habit, or he has stolen from you for something else and is still lying about it.
You sound like someone with your head screwed on right, so I'm sure you'll do the right thing OP.

HippeePrincess · 02/11/2023 11:45

I’m so sorry, I knew when I read this it would be something like this, my ex husband did the same, we nearly lost our home because of it, had to take out loans for essential repairs, and all sorts of other things. I tried to help sort it initially and it just got worse and worse. He never did kick the habit for long, and it escalated to gambling and paying for gaming too. All from the family pot, so selfish.

user1497207191 · 02/11/2023 11:50

OP, I really wouldn't be wasting my energy on someone with a Coke habit. I couldn't do with living with someone who had that lifestyle. I'd be packing his bags and changing the locks. Get rid.

Cowhen · 02/11/2023 14:14

Oh, OP, I've just read of your posts. What a shock for you. Sending you hugs and strength.

Koalakubs · 02/11/2023 14:22

I would check the Amazon account. Also what did the klarna money get spent on?

was he buying drugs online and having it posted? Sometimes using bitcoin. Or is is meeting a dealer? If it’s via post I’d be opening his mail - yes it’s illegal - so what it’s better than coke getting posted through my front door. I would be looking at every transaction on every account and matching it to his credit file. He is a proven liar.

I would let him live a skint life repaying his debt. I wouldn’t adjust my lifestyle either. I would suggest counselling but I wouldn’t waste my money on him until he had a plan.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 02/11/2023 18:15

I hope you're OK today. You must be reeling.

Bignanny30 · 02/11/2023 18:27

He needs to get some advise from one of the debt management charities ( note that I said charity not debt management companies ) they will probably advise him to write to the credit card companies and offer them a lower, more manageable amount each month and ask them to stop charging interest on the debt. I believe if he writes and asks this and provides proof that this is the most that he/you both can afford, then legally they have to accept it. There might be some info on these charities on ‘Martins Money’.

WhatShallIdo11 · 02/11/2023 18:38

OP -my ex was just like this - never found out where his money went but, after bailing him out twice for a total of £40000, I refused the next time - he went for a divorce which cost me a six figure sum as I’d owned my home before marriage - please financially protect yourself - 8 years later, I’ve just got myself back on my feet

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 02/11/2023 18:59

I would get legal advice and see what options you have regarding separating, at least for now. Get him to commit, in writing, that his debt is his to sort and not your issue. You can always change your mind down the line if he shows real initiative in changing, but I suspect that won't be the case.

I wouldn't wait to seek a financial separation of sorts. Otherwise, you will be bailing him out again and again...

Original poster
C22 · 02/11/2023 19:11

Thank you all for your replies today,
been a tough day mentally tbh.
luckily he’s at work till midnight so managing to sit and relax tonight.
last night he called men matter or something along those lines,
today before work he called uk addiction and spoke to someone there who is putting him in touch with groups within our area.
after some digging around google today I think he has a spending addiction,
which if not addressed will just cause him and anyone around him a lifetime of grief.
the Coke I badgered him about again last night. he told me the last time he took it was on his last night of nights which was in June.
now that I think about it., that day he came home with a bottle of AU vodka the guys had bought for him and he was proper Buzzin, sat and had a good few of them vodkas before he crashed later. I’m my opinion I thought it was a high cause he was finished nights, but clearly not.
gullible me!
he has been on various shifts since nights with majority him being in the house at night and I genuinely don’t believe he has taken anything since June.

in relation to the mortgage, I have a mortgage with my bank so I can see the account in my banking app, all is fine with that, so no remortgaging or anything.

im very much still in a spin at what I do from here on forward.
it’s the lies, the hiding of things. I just don’t know how I can ever get past it.

he has applied for new jobs paying more money to be able to pay this debt himself cause I told him I’m not helping him now.

OP posts:
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