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Original poster

husbands debt is crippling!

411 replies

C22 · 01/11/2023 11:06

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

OP posts:
Gazelda · 01/11/2023 21:10

He has lied to you about debt.
He's taken your money.
He's been taking drugs.
He refuses to show you bank statements which implies he's continuing to try to cover something up.
He's disrespecting you.
He's trying to pass blame onto you.

I wouldn't be able to forgive any of that. My marriage would be over.

Koalakubs · 01/11/2023 21:11

Sorry op I doubt it’s cash withdrawals for drugs - he would show you the statements. Either the debt is far higher or its sex workers etc. He has said cocaine because that’s bad (and why would he lie when it’s bad) and he hoped to throw you off the trail. He didn’t think you would ask to see the statements.

Check his phone/laptop/tablet if you get chance.

Koalakubs · 01/11/2023 21:13

And as for blaming you. Tell him to stop being daft. He’s a proven liar. You will help him but he has to show you the statements. You can normally go back 6 years and I suggest you do this.

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 21:15

We have development! He’s sending me the statements, just waiting on the 3rd card coming through but so far the other 2,
2500 in cash has been taken out, other transactions are Klarna (more debt) Amazon, tonnes of it, petrol, food places. Nothing sinister that I would be anymore shocked by!

3rd card checked and the same, around 1000 taken out with shops he’s spent in and food places, petrol again.

OP posts:
itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 01/11/2023 21:17

So he's not being transparent, hiding in his room, and ruining your family financially.

I'd get legal advice immediately and look to separate legally and divorce. He will drag you down with him.

Doggymummar · 01/11/2023 21:18

Oof what a shocker, I wonder what he is hiding?

decionsdecisions62 · 01/11/2023 21:21

Cash - betting terminals in bookies, sex workers - when does anyone use cash these days except to avoid tax or a trail?

HakunaMatiłda · 01/11/2023 21:26

decionsdecisions62 · 01/11/2023 21:21

Cash - betting terminals in bookies, sex workers - when does anyone use cash these days except to avoid tax or a trail?

Do drug dealers take chip and pin these days?

Girlswillbetwirls · 01/11/2023 21:26

Well done on sticking to your guns about the statements. The cash withdrawals are a bit questionable , as it’s hard to know if he really did spend it all on Coke as he’s claimed. But even if he is telling the truth about that, it’s still pretty awful. Coke has some terrible effects on people.

He’s got some nerve expecting you to clear his debt though! And just think how much higher the debt would’ve been if you hadn’t asked him how things were. He had no intention of reining it in. Complete disregard for you and your relationship!

He must taken you for a mug but you’ve shown him tonight that’s the last thing you are. Keep digging, keep grilling him.

And it’s definitely time he gets a second job to clear those debts.

Dashel · 01/11/2023 21:27

I’m sorry you are in this position

Dave Ramsey the American finance guy would call this behaviour financial infidelity as regardless of what the money was spent on, it’s still lying and betraying your partner and thinking of it like that might help you to understand what you are feeling.

If you decide you want to continue with this relationship then I would look at posting a getting out of debt diary on MSE or getting him to do it or getting one together for support, encouragement and to help keep focus . Spending time on there might also help with developing side hustles to get it cleared quicker

He really needs to be honest about why he has done this, he must have known eventually you would find out and put measures in to stop this happening again and get on the same page with your financial plans.

vdbfamily · 01/11/2023 21:32

Hi OP, I have only read your updates but I think the only way forward from here is for him to agree that you take charge of all finances for a while. He needs to pay his wage straight over to you and just get reasonable spending money and he needs to see GP re the cocaine and agree to a plan of professional support to deal with whatever he is dealing with.
Currently he is incapable of being trusted with money.
Glad he had agreed to share all and hope you can find a way forward. Can't imagining how shocked you must be feeling.

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 21:39

Sorry he decided to come in and sit while I read through every statement.
He has stood in front of me saying he called a helpline when he was out balling down the phone to a guy cause he has fucked up basically, guy told him I am within my right to feel the way I do as I have been betrayed.
his plan of action going forward he says is he will pay the debt himself, had to tell him to wrap it with the sorrys cause it was rippin my knittin!

I’ve told him to let me sleep on it,
I reckon if I do carry on I would need to see the statements every month so he can prove they are being paid.

what a day!

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 01/11/2023 21:39

Oh OP I really feel for you, what a shock. I'd be dubious of the drug habit, if he's racked that much debt there's no way you wouldn't have noticed it. It's very hard to hide a coke binge and there's absolutely no way he's plodded along for a year having a bump here and there without serious escalation based on the spending. It's all a complete betrayal, dont take him turning this on you either as he's financially abused you the past 10mths leaving you without while he spent and lied

OzziePopPop · 01/11/2023 21:40

HakunaMatiłda · 01/11/2023 21:26

Do drug dealers take chip and pin these days?

Show quote history

You can buy cocaine (and pretty much anything else) on the internet and get it delivered. By Royal Mail! Yes, seriously.

OP I’d seriously consider that he’s definitely not telling you the whole truth. Or maybe not any of the truth. You know he took cash out but I doubt he’s ‘just’ spent it on cocaine.

I’m so sorry 💐

decionsdecisions62 · 01/11/2023 21:41

So say your partner is sniffing 1.5 grams of cocaine up his nose 4 times a week that would be £495 a week. Does that account for the debt?

If he's using every day- why haven't you spotted that?

FairFuming · 01/11/2023 21:45

Hes stolen from you. Not just the money you've given him for the debt but he's stolen 10 months of your life where you've been scrimping and saving to help him while not being able to do anything for yourself. Don't give him anymore. I honestly don't think I'd ever have the same respect for somone after they had done this to me. Leave him!

2jacqi · 01/11/2023 21:46

@C22 have you seen any evidence of the piles of stuff he has bought through amazon and klarna?????? what is he doing with it if it isnt in your house?????

LauraMarie2382 · 01/11/2023 21:48

Bad enough the cash out, but what is he buying from Amazon that's costing so much? Can you get into his Amazon account and see his order history? Make him show you. He needs to be transparent.

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 21:49

See he worked nightshift around the time he said he was taking it out for drugs, was about 4 months ago, and I can see on the statements, 100 that week, 120 the next,
but when he stopped nights it’s only 20 here and there with the largest amount being 50.
I asked why he had to take money out after nights of not using drugs then, he said it was when he was at work they’d take turns buying lunch and it was his turn.
the 50 1 he said he needed it for his tyre and the garage didn’t take card.
the place he lifted the money from is next door to the garage so leaning on truth for that 1! Even tho the tyre situation was only 40 he told me at the time so he’s taken an extra 10 for spends!

he’s living way out his league by the sounds of it, whereas I just make do with what I have.

this will take me a while to process for sure, so no harsh decisions are being made tonight until I’ve seriously thought about everything,
there is always something you’ve not asked or said, so I will not be giving him any answers to anything until I’m ready

OP posts:
Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 21:51

i used to come home and see Amazon parcels all the time but being the trusting person I am I never asked what it was, cause I genuinely thought he had purchased with his own cash,
usually it’s car things which I’m not interested in so gave up asking a while back,

OP posts:
LauraMarie2382 · 01/11/2023 21:57

I never understand people who spend money they don't have unless it's a necessity. Honestly could not cope with someone so foolish with money, whether I loved them or not. I could never trust them again.

Was he always this bad with money or when did this start?

AdoraBell · 01/11/2023 22:05

I would say the cash withdrawals are for drugs. I would leave him.

betterangels · 01/11/2023 22:05

So, he's been blowing coke up his nose and is now crying about having to pay his debt? Sounds like a keeper.

Lying and deceitful and initially blaming you? How do you ever trust and or find him attractive again? I wouldn't want to put myself through that.

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 22:12

Never understood it myself as I was taught a lesson by my parents as a teen and only live within my means.
whatever is in my purse is all I have and that’s it!
just checked a June statement as I’m going through them again, £610 in that 1 month. That would have been nightshift so presuming drugs! 610 quid! I feel 🤒

OP posts:
Namerequired · 01/11/2023 22:13

Why would he be taking cash out of a credit card for lunches rather than pay direct? It’s so much more expensive that way. Still doesn’t make sense. The tyre maybe as a one off emergency.
So drugs aside, and obviously that’s a big one (if it’s true), he’s just spending like yous don’t have joint finances and set personal spends. He’s happy to spend spend spend, and let you pay for it out of what should be your free money. Then he’s twisted it on you. Is he saying he has some kind of spending issue, or does he think it’s acceptable? Is he just an entitled ass? Yes he needs to 100% pay it back himself, but how’s he going to do it?