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Original poster

husbands debt is crippling!

411 replies

C22 · 01/11/2023 11:06

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

OP posts:
Cactusmad · 02/11/2023 19:14

Is it coke?

HarrietStyles · 02/11/2023 19:18

I hate to suggest it (sorry) but are you sure that the money has been withdrawn just for coke? My friend had an almost identical situation and he also said the cash was for drugs…… turned out with more detective work that some of it was for drugs, but a higher percentage of it was spent on sex workers. Ask him if he is willing to let you look through his texts and emails to be sure.

DyslexicPoster · 02/11/2023 19:18

You can gamble on Amazon. Ask to see his Amazon history.

Definitelynotem · 02/11/2023 19:29

Hi OP, I was in a v similar position last year - DH went behind my back and racked up £5000 on cocaine! I knew he was acting a bit strange but to be honest I had no idea at all and only found a bag once throughout 6 months. I did stay with him (much to my family’s disgust!) and in fairness since then he has paid back almost all of it (only £1500 left) and never touched cocaine again. It was very hard to trust again and you will need to see bank statements etc, but there might be some hope. My bigger concern in your case would be that he has essentially done this before and then lied about the payments, so it’s whether you can forgive that betrayal. Most certainly make him pay it alone though, I’ve done the same even though at times it’s been hard to see him have less than me (I’m too soft)

LIZS · 02/11/2023 19:30

What of his overspending items could he sell? Agree you need to see his Amazon order history.

KTSl1964 · 02/11/2023 19:31

Prostitutes? Cash?

Petallove · 02/11/2023 19:32

I was married to someone like this. The one bit of advice would be take all financial control away from him before he makes it worse. The frustrating thing for me was I shouldn’t have to!

Mtlso · 02/11/2023 19:36

Sounds like a good plan. Like others have said, if there’s nothing to show for it, what has he spent it on? Maybe he has a gambling addiction?

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/11/2023 19:38

I'm so sorry OP but there's no way back from this. You will, quite rightly, never trust him again. My exh was the same and honestly your marriage is over, the only question is how long you're going to suffer before you come to terms with that. All the phone calls to support groups are just emotional manipulation because he's been caught, but he will keep on doing what he's been doing as that's who he is.

saythatagaintome · 02/11/2023 19:47

First thing is to grab a pair is scissors and cut those cards up. Secondly, seek a D lawyer.

AllyArty · 02/11/2023 19:48

I am so sorry for you OP. What your DH has done is removed the trust from your marriage. Sorry I haven’t read all of this but is he able to transfer all the debt onto one card and just pay it back ? I would sit him down and tell him things are going to be done differently from now on. You need to see everything, have weekly finance meetings-just for 10 mins, I know it sounds like you are the teacher and he is your pupil but trust is earned and he’s got some work to do in that area.
something similar happened to me years ago. My DH had a credit card which he told me was a work card. I found out in a very embarrassing way in front of other people that it wasn’t a work one. It was his own which meant the debt was ours. There were other things going on at the time and I feel in hindsight that I sort of let him off lightly.
When you start to unravel deceit it can go on and on. I wonder if there is someone you can talk to because as the days and weeks go on, more lies may surface and it’s very hard to deal with. Good luck 💐

WrylyAmused · 02/11/2023 19:49

@C22 Haven't read the whole thread, but have read all your posts.
Massive sympathies, that's such a horrific thing to discover, and really glad that you're sticking to your guns about not helping him pay it back.

In case no-one has mentioned before - if he speaks to a debt charity (or even just look for template letters online), you can request the bank to freeze the accounts and stop charging interest on the debts, so all repayments reduce the capital. Side benefit - he won't be able to spend on those cards any more either, and can't just request new ones.

You might need a couple of phone calls to each bank and a couple of letters, but they do usually agree to it, typically for 12 months at a time, so that'll give him a bit more scope to pay it down.
He might need to provide a budget of (just his) income and outgoings to prove he can't afford the repayments.

Once the initial 12 months are expired, you can request it again if there's still outstanding debt.

Hope that helps a little with the practicalities.

Mumofoneandone · 02/11/2023 19:50

Can you get some support for yourself as well and some legal advice on protecting yourself from his debts.
Also can you/he look at him putting items up for sale, might not be much but every little helps as the saying goes.......

Stargazer46 · 02/11/2023 19:53

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I separated from my husband 6 months ago having discovered he’d run up £25k of debt. He then decided he had a spending addiction and couldn’t believe I’d leave him when he needed me the most. It’s so hard and I really feel your pain. You will be ok no matter what you decide to do.

5128gap · 02/11/2023 19:54

OP, I'd strongly advise you to stop trying to take control of the things you can't. Unless he chooses to stop accruing debt you cant stop him.
There is no point at all in you cutting up his cards. All he has to do is contact the bank and report them lost and he'll be issued with new ones. Meanwhile you'll be in a place of false security believing he can't incur more debt.
If he is committed to taking control of his finances then he would cut up the cards himself. Until that time, you are far better off taking control of the things you can. So the first thing I'd be doing is separating my finances. Open your own account and use that for household expenses. Calculate the proportion you need from him for his share and tell him he needs to give you that amount each month if he wants a roof over his head.
Whatever is left after he's paid you he can either use to pay down his debt, or continue to spend and get in deeper. But make it clear to him its his debt, his choice and his problem.
After six months have a review with him and check what he's decided to do. Based on this, you can then make decisions about your future.
I promise you, you will be doing neither of you a favour by framing this as a joint problem. He will learn nothing and you will continue to have an irresponsible partner you need to police.
Make him take responsibility himself, while you make sure your home is protected and your essentials paid.

PaminaMozart · 02/11/2023 19:57

What's the big financial picture? Is this a second marriage for you? How long have you been married? How much did each of you bring into the marriage? How much of the mortgage is outstanding? Do you earn similar amounts?

No need to answer if you don't want to, but these are questions you should get answers to for your own benefit, so that you can make rational decisions that are best for YOU.

He has been beyond selfish in getting himself into so much debt, knowing how much it would distress you. Adding the coke habit to the mix, you will want to decide whether or not staying in this marriage is in your best interest.

You may want to gather all your financial documentation and see a family solicitor, to get an idea of where you'd stand with all this if you were to separate or divorce. Forewarned is forearmed...

GettingColdFeet · 02/11/2023 20:00

If I decided to stay with my husband through this then he'd be on his own to sort out his debt and I'd be seeking advice to ensure our home was protected (alongside my finances/credit rating).

I would absolutely get some financial advice and I would be transparent with adult children so he doesn't go to them for money (or have post directed there etc).

Beentheredonethat123 · 02/11/2023 20:04

TheFlis · 01/11/2023 12:40

You need to demand to see the statements for all of the cards so you can see where the money has gone.

This 💯

Ourlittletalks · 02/11/2023 20:04

This would really concern me. If I were in your position, I would have your husband apply for a debt consolidation loan, fully pay off all credit cards, and then cancel all accounts. The monthly payments should be significantly less than £400 if you can spread it over 3-4 years?

but the real issue here seems to be your husbands impulse control. What is he spending that money on? Are they necessities, or is he splurging on unnecessary things? If he’s just making unnecessary purchases that are putting you both into debt, I would suggest some sort of therapy for a shopping/spending addiction. If he’s bridging the gap between your incomes and the necessities, I would sit down and properly budget exactly what needs to be spent on what.

Type2whattodo · 02/11/2023 20:06
  1. Please check credit reports for both of you.
This is just what he's admitted to. There might be more debt he's trying to hide. He might have forged your details and taken credit out in your name.
  1. Add an alert to experian etc to alert you by text if any one tries to take out credit in your name.
  1. Pretty sure he is paying for sex as well as drugs. He freaked and wouldn't show you the statements. He then went off alone, checked them, came up with a bullshit story and you want to believe it.
  1. Ask to See his klarna and amazon sales history.

5.as a previous poster said. 4x a week of decent amount of drugs will be £495, call it £500. He hasn't had the chance since June....

  1. Fact check. Call the tyre place and ask if they take card or cash only. Same with the lunch shop.
  1. Go get your own smear test for STD's.
  1. Divorce him. Even if you choose to stay together and live together, Divorce so you are not financially linked.
Vinkvink · 02/11/2023 20:15

Hi poster, I had a really similar situation with my husband about 8 years ago. He had run up his overdraft big time and didn’t tell me. To the extent of he was getting paid every month and he was still in the red.
This was going on for months and to be honest I very nearly left him. Our solution was for his wage to go into our joint account and he is allowed to take a set amount (about £200) out every month for spending. All bills come out joint account and food shop etc.

caringcarer · 02/11/2023 20:17

Could he have a gambling addiction? Where is he spending all this money?

sgtmajormum · 02/11/2023 20:25

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I was married to one of these. Totally no money sense. I sorted him out time and after time. I scripted and scraped from the family budget to pay off some of the debt (about 2k) in the same time period he had racked up another 4k!
That was it. I couldn't take anymore. I kicked him out. We got divorced.
I am so much better financially off without him.
Please don't waste your life on this fool he will never change

anyolddinosaur · 02/11/2023 20:33

Cutting up cards does not stop those with a spending addiction from getting new debt. Screwing up their credit history by defaulting on debt is the only thing that works.

Divorce him. He has been, and still is, lying to you about his debts. He will go on doing this as long as he can get credit.

I'm sorry but from bitter experience people like this dont change.

PaminaMozart · 02/11/2023 20:34

Don't get a consolidation loan! Never trade unsecured debt for secured debt. You'd be putting your house at risk.

The way I understand it, his CC debts are his alone, but if he was to take out a consolidation loan, you'd have to agree to have it secured on your home equity.

Don't do this - at least not without checking with one of the debt charities.