husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

Just remember he has been happy for you to get up and go to work and earn a wage, and hand those wages over to him, so he could shove them up his nose or do god knows what else with them. Utter, total disrespect and contempt for your time, your energy, your life and your finances/security.

He damn well ought to be "struggling" because what he has done is despicable.

You have no children, you can get a clean break from him. He can either show you everything now or he can do it during the financial disclosure phase of the divorce proceedings. if you divorce you will be stuck with at most half of his debt and you may be able to negotiate less.

when he tries to pretend you don’t care about him, do not listen. He has betrayed your marriage vows. he has a decision to make if he wants to stay married and it starts with full disclosure of the problem.

Don't fall for his manipulation or guilt tripping. You HAVE been helping him by giving him money to pay down his debts and he has ABUSED your help.

This is marriage ending. You cannot trust him, he's betrayed you and he's still hiding things from you. I would bet it's sex work related.

In your position, I think you should text or call a close friend or family member and ask them to come around, then when they are there, ask him to pack a bag and leave. You need to be safe and I'm concerned that if things come to ahead and you're alone in the house with him, no one will know what is happening.

He has taken advantage of you and has deceived you and even now, he's not being honest with you. That very clearly shows that he doesn't want your help and support to overcome this, he just wants you to keep bankrolling his addiction, whatever that may be.

Will OP be stuck with the debt if the credit cards are solely in his name? I don't know the law.

Seriously? He’s the victim now? He has some nerve. Do not drop your guard on this. He should be showing you everything and falling on your mercy at a minimum. There’s probably a lot more debt than you know about. You will probably get a million stories now until he gets one that’s just bad enough you’ll accept but never the full truth. Also now the problem is actually him not giving you the information rather than how he’s going to deal with it. The goalposts have changed. He can’t be trusted, but he’s going to turn it around on you. Don’t lose sight, you are in no way wrong in any of this and you haven’t asked any more than bare minimum so far.

Literally feels like my world has spun 360!
the debt, drug taking now the turning it on me cause I told him I don’t know what I will decide at this moment.
like you’ve all said, I’m not his mum. I’m not here to bail him out, I certainly didn’t sign a marriage certificate to that effect.

Chances are he been using " other types of services " and paying with his credit card.

That's the reason he won't show you the statements.

Goodness, I've just read most of the posts here and I feel so sorry for you. Has he lost his job due to drug loss and hence has no money to pay for his cards? Maybe he does not have a salary coming into his account monthly and that's why he won't show you the statements?!
Or he could be having an affair and as others suggested maybe has gotten someone pregnant, and has responsibilities towards a new baby. I'm pretty sure he would not want you to see payments for baby items.
Obviously he won't want you to leave him, who else would Mother him and help pay his debts, no one!
I would not rule out gambling or prostitutes either. Praying for you and a quick resolution to this.

Please call a friend and or someone you trust to come and visit in case things get ugly.

What on Earth is he trying to cover if he thinks coke makes it seem better?

If someone was taking coke wouldn’t you know? I know someone’s husband that takes it (even in the week) & I can 100% tell. He would act differently.

But with drugs comes other things imo (like online sex stuff or more). The fact that he’s being secretive still speaks volumes. Him saying you’ll go mental is strange as you already know the amount.

Is he in work? Or has he been sacked/suspended and his bank statements show no income, adding to debt? Has he driven under the influence?

I think if it was coke you'd be able to look back and see some tell-tale signs of it even if you didn't notice them at the time. If you can't, that would be surprising seeing the amount of money spent. Trust your instincts @C22 . If it doesn't feel true, it probably isn't. I think he's hiding something too and feels that you'll be less angry about drugs than the real/additional reason(s). He could be hiding the amount I guess because he's still struggling to admit to himself how out of control he is, but a mere five minutes of rational thought would lead him to realise he'd have to disclose this if you're going to work through things as a couple. People only ever stay together successfully when tackling issues such as gambling, drugs etc when there is complete honesty and transparency. However, he is still in the just got found out stage so not necessarily thinking rationally I suppose.

He could show some bank statements relatively easily which don't go above £13.5k so I am more suspecting that something on those statements shows money being paid to something he thinks you'll react worse to than drugs...

This is too much for you to take in tonight. I think asking him to leave for the night/maybe a few days is the right thing to do. You need time to think clearly and the absence will focus his mind on how seriously you are taking it. If you do decide to stay together that will help you hold your ground.

Good luck and use all the support you can.

It really doesn't matter now what he is hiding and where the money went.
The marriage is over.

Get yourself a solicitor, and end it ASAP.

Why in the world you could quote the OP (which is extremely long btw) when you’re the first person to comment. Surely we’d all know who’s post you’re referring too?

<completely misses the point but that really irritates me!>

I'm so sorry to read this. You don't deserve this, your worth so much more than this, he doesn't deserve you.

You need to see those statements.

He definitely does have a job,
he has a work phone that people from work send messages on. And I hear it pinging a lot with updates on deliveries etc.
I will definitely get the bottom of this as I’m not letting this go, I want to see these statements and if he refuses tomorrow night he will find himself homeless.

I hate to suggest this late at night but

'I have taken to much out, I'm scared to let you see how much'

GET A STATEMENT FROM YOUR BUILDING SOCIETY - MAKE SURE HE HASN'T REMORTGAGED.

I can understand the drive you have to get to the bottom of it and not let it go.
So you may eventually find out. It will be something dreadful that will make you very angry.

Then what?

There is no way forward, the only option is to end it.

I can tell you are in for the shock of your life soon. Take a deep breath.

Get all the answers out of him, everything, you have to so you can restart. Keep digging and digging.

Good luck. Get support.

I’ve asked again for the 3rd time tonight for him to download all his statements and send to me.
he’s upstairs still keeping out my road so will see if I get them while he sits up there stewing

im ready! I probably will get the shock of my life but there is no way I can move on without seeing what he’s hiding

Just seen your update re the cocaine use. Do you have children?

I would leave him.

Another thing my friends husband did was spend the rental income he was receiving from his flat on cocaine and sex so that they couldn't afford that mortgage either!

@AdoraBell my son is 25 and in his own place with his fiancée and daughter
so no kids at home.

He must know there is no way your marriage can - or should - survive this. Liars don’t change. Get your ducks in a row OP and let him deal with his appalling betrayal and blinding stupidity. You take care of you - as you say, you’re not his mother, and he exercised free will. He knew what he was doing and he didn’t care how it was going to impact you.

Honestly, I'd be making an appt with a solicitor asap and ending it. He lied, he's in massive debt and doing drugs, has no respect for you or your relationship as he wouldn't have done those things and doesn't share your goals for the future .
Yes if youre married you might have to take on part of his debt but I'd see that as a small price to pay compared to what it'll be in a few years as he's unlikely to change and you'll likely end up paying towards / or the whole lot off anyway whilst he continues his habit.