husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

Really sorry you going thru this OP

@VelvetUndergrounds thank you so much.
don’t know what I’m gonna do tbh but I need to see these statements xx
he said he’s not showing me them cause I will see the amount of money he’s taken out the bank but somethings not adding up.
hes admitted what he spent it on, admitted taking money out so that won’t be a shock!
why not show me
hes hiding more

Oh wow, what an awful update. I'm so sorry @C22

Your head must be absolutely spinning. I think I would try again to get full disclosure from him when he gets back. You definitely need to find a way of establishing the true amount.

It's too early days to make hard choices right now. You have a lot to process and are in shock. His attitude may change once he's got past the found out/admission/defensive stage, too.

Do you have other people IRL to support you while you work your way through this mess?

This happened to a friend of mine. They are divorced now. Along with the cocaine came an online sex habit she was also unaware of. Good luck op.

I’m sorry OP. My money is on him also paying for cam girls or sex workers. These things seem to go hand in hand. He’s telling you what he thinks is the lesser evil, and hoping you won’t dig any further.

Is he definitely still working?

So sorry op. There would be no coming back from this if I was in your position.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I hate to say I’m not surprised, have a think about what YOU want going forward, do you really see yourself staying with this man? If not, I don’t think there’s any sense torturing yourself by arguing and checking the actual statements. He’s made his choice, drugs over you, so now it’s time for you to decide what choice you make x

@Resilience thank you,
yeah I will speak to my friend about it.
Didn’t expect him to say drugs, he has seen first hand what that does to families.

There's more to it op, he's owned up to taking money out to buy drugs but won't show you the statements.
He's hiding something, probably the fact that he owes more than he's told you.

Frankly, I dont believe he has used it for drugs!! he is hiding something else? does he have another woman somewhere or a baby he is supporting or is it prostitutes??????? demand his phone and tell him you are just going to walk out if you dont see it!

What a nightmare. I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

The trust is gone. As pp said, you need to ponder your future; at this point the details are irrelevant. If I were you I would extricate myself from this relationship before it drags you down. What age are you? You need to be thinking about saving for retirement and other aspects of your own security, not throwing money down the drain on him.

💐

I’ve just read this entire thread and Im so sorry to see what you’re dealing with on top of the debt.

I know there’s a proper term for this but I have the horrible feeling he’s still holding back on you, he’s giving the minimum amount of information he can to see if you’ll swallow it, or if he has to tell you more about what’s going on

I think you have to lay down an ultimatum. If it’s just drugs then he can show you the statements.

If he doesn’t show you them then you don’t trust that it’s just drugs and essentially the relationship is over.

Wow OP I didn't expect that update, I'm gutted for you. I really hope he shows you the statements and if he doesn't I'd be looking at separating. He clearly doesn't respect you already, and if he chooses not to show you and be open and honest about everything I couldn't move forward :(

I hope you have a friend IRL you can talk to for support too! Go easy on yourself xxx

Are you buying it? Even if what he’s saying is true, it’s no reason not to show you the statements. Is he away off checking them to see how damning they are or how much you will be able to work out? Check there aren’t more you don’t know about via clear score/Experian.
What was he actually expecting from you? That you would say aww poor love, no bother, sure I will go without to pay those for you no questions asked? I don’t know how you are staying so calm and reasonable tbh.

I don't think it's drugs either. At least not JUST drugs. Maybe there's another woman, prostitutes, gambling, who knows? But I'd have thought if he'd spent 13.5k on cocaine in the last year, you'd have spotted thw signs, because that's quite a lot of cocaine.

He’s came back, still refusing to let me see them,
told him I don’t know where I go with this, I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, lies to me and just decides to take drugs whenever he pleases!
but he’s turning it round saying I just don’t care about him, he’s struggling, he’s asking me for help and I’m snubbing him as if he’s nothing,,
literally not giving me a minute to think, so he’s been sent upstairs away from me so I can gather my thoughts,

Does any of this sound familiar?

https://www.lifeworkscommunity.com/addiction-treatment/cocaine-rehab/cocaine-addiction-symptoms

I think he's bullshitting you, to be truthful.

Coke is a handy excuse. Have you seen any evidence of drug taking or partying? Coke can be an obvious drug to an outsider. When/where is he taking it to run up that much debt.

If it was the whole truth he wouldn't need to hide his bank statements.

I would ask him to leave. You need time to figure it out.

That's a good point. I have been around cocaine users; granted its been a few decades, but the signs are pretty obvious. And that is a ton of drugs.

Of course he is. He’s trying to deflect, to make this your fault not his. To make you the bad guy. To rewrite history.

Tell him seeing those bank statements is non negotiable. He’s broken trust too many times. You need complete honesty and disclosure.

This is what I’m thinking, he’s saying coke, but when? Where? He doesn’t go anywhere other than work, is he taking it at work?? Surely not!
I haven’t seen any evidence, no bags, no mood swings etc.
there must be more to it, but when I asked again he just shut the conversation by saying you will go mental when you see how much money I’ve taken out! I already know the debt so I do know!
more to it for sure

@C22, don't fall for that bullshit! You don't exist to be his mum, support person or saviour! It is up to him to seek help and remedies for his struggles, not for you to repeatedly bail him out! As you say he is a 40 year old man.

Don't let him guilt you, blame you or make you feel that you have to sort this out. It's his ill deeds and it's on him to own up and start fixing it.

Does he have parents/family nearby? If so I would make him leave and if he won't, I would call them and tell them what is going on, and that you need protection from his gaslighting, his accusations and his moods.

If I was you and you really want to know, I would be tempted to try from the angle of “I can’t support/help you if I don’t know what I’m helping you with. Lets sit down and put all the cards on the table, show me the bank statements, show me your credit report, any chance we have of getting through this depends on complete and total ugly honesty”. You can’t possibly form an opinion on your way through this, if there is a way through for your relationship, without having all of the facts. But your support does depend on his honesty.