husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

the cards will be cut up in front of him tonight for sure!

Don't assume that'll be the end of it. Did exactly the same with my ExH. Cut up his cards in front of him. He reported one as lost so they sent him a replacement which I didn't see arrive (and never opened his nail anyway). Then he applied for an online only credit 'card' so there was no physical card or statement coming to the house. He then proceeded to run up more debts.

i will be sure to come back and give you all an update tomorrow.

he is definitely at work as i can hear it in the background when he calls or when i call him, which he wouldnt know i was doing.
he also has a work phone he brings home every night.

as time is ticking on i just feel sick to the stomach as i dont want him playing it down.

Debt can spiral so easily and whilst I get you’re livid that’s also going to shut down the opportunity for an honest and open conversation.

@WellDuh swear if i find he has done this,
game over

@AnneValentine hes not usually the type to get his back up especially with me,
so i will judge things by his reactions and body language,
he needs to remember at the begining of the year i was angry at the amount he still owed due to interest, but helped him get it transferred etc and contributed to help him pay it off the last 10 months, he cant surely expect me to be calm about this 1.
as i said, i want to help him but his finances are crippling and i dont think i can do this for the next 3 years or so.

Too late now but it would have been a lot more prudent to check on how he was getting on each month or every two months. Waiting ten months is rather financially negligent seeing as you are a couple and he's form for running up debt.

No, I am not blaming you, but I think you should have been more actively involved and not passively assuming something was being done. At least you know you can't trust him I guess.

@Whalewatchers i have texts from when ive been sitting updating my spreadsheet with things being paid etc,
actively asking him has this been paid this was done on 5 occassions over the 10 months, and each time he would say - yeah dont worry ive got this,
paid this to that etc.
yeah hes been paying it, but also spending what hes put in and double it

but yeah definitely dont trust him financially now at all, which is a shame as i dont want to be the 1 in charge all the time. its draining!

It's the lying and betrayal that's the worst part, isn't it? The fact that for such a long time he has lied through his teeth to you about paying off this debt, and not only that, he's carried on building up even more debt and hidden it from you.

To be honest, it is time to tell him that if he does anything like this one more time, then you will divorce him.

Do you have children?

Hope the talk goes well, don’t let him fob you off or call you a nag - you’re not!

Unfortunately (from my experience) he’ll tell the lenders that he’s lost his card and get another sent out.

I don’t think I could carry on living with someone who’s so openly lied and deceived you for months, letting you think everything is going as planned.
Trust is paramount and clearly that’s been blown out of the water; I can’t imagine ever trusting him again.

In all seriousness OP, I'd do a credit score for yourself too to be on the safe side.

I also agree cutting up the cards won't do anything anyway as they'll all be saved online, or in his wallet. The most he'll need the 3 digit code which I'm sure he's memorised.

If you cancel them then he might be able to get more sent out. You could try talking to the bank and explain the situation - they may be able to put a permanent block on them.

@C22 you might need to check his emails!!! Check for his notification of online credit card statement. go back at least 2 months so you catch them all. sorry you are going through this. good luck for tonight!

OP, don’t let him minimise this.

timeline everything, I.e;

at the start of the year you were in x amount of personal debt.
I have personally paid you 200 every month while going without myself, totalling 2000…of my own money.
yet you’ve managed to spend X amount extra.
So you’ve been happy to take my £2000 and spend £xxxx extra again in all this time while seeing me with nothing.

you need to make him understand that nothing spent on these cards has benefited you in anyway yet you’ve ‘given’ him £2000.

I would have to completely withdraw from the payments now, if anything he owes you a what you gave him.

Hello all,
well thought I’d come on and give you an update on how the last hour has went before he decided to take himself out a walk.
he got in, nothing to say for himself so gave him his dinner and said silent treatment isn’t gonna fix this.
he said I’m sorry, I know you are angry, I’m angry at myself blah blah.
told him how I felt, betrayed, let down etc.
he sat on the stairs in front of me with his head in his hands.
told him he’s had 400 a month for 10 months how the hell can you have them at 13k?!
he said just buying car parts, things I needed daily etc.
I said na, I’m not buying this, you don’t rack up a debt like that on everyday things.
asked to see his statements….
thats when it got serious!
refused, asked him why won’t he let me see them. What have you got to hide..
ladies I’m absolutely gobsmacked,
he said he was going through a hard time a wee while back with his family, friends etc.,
he was taking money out the back with the card
TO BUY DRUGS - cocaine 😡

i can’t even look at him.

told him I am not helping him, he can pay this back himself, for him to say but I will end up on my arse and in even more debt if I don’t pay it,
told him I don’t care, this is not my problem, he didn’t give a hoot about me wheh he was shoving party dust up his beak!

im furious, don’t know what to think, what to do! I’m devastated

I'm so sorry, @c22. Have you seen the bank statements? It's probably true that he's taken cash out to buy cocaine but, and I hate to say it, if he won't show you the statements there could be even more that he's hiding.

@Londongoer he won’t let me see them,
point blank refused but I’m gonna ask again when he gets back,
I can’t move forward without seeing them, he has more to hide I know it

@C22 oh I'm sorry you're going through this, it doesn't sound good that he won't let you see them. It does sound like there's more to hide, doesn't it. You clearly don't deserve this ❤️

He is probably still using and regularly

You need to think carefully whether you want to stay in this relationship

@VelvetUndergrounds im honestly so devastated
feel betrayed with how deceitful he has been!
blanking myself for not checking in sooner but I last checked in with him in August and he said aww it’s fine don’t worry.
dont worry! I now have a sneaky drug taking husband racking up debts to his eyeballs.
raging 😡

I’d kick him out and start divorce proceedings.
There’s no coming back from this.

C@Sarahconnor1
yup, this is too much, I can’t even think straight.
was such a shock to hear him say that

@C22 I bet you were blindsided. I'm so sorry. What a pile of crap. Try and stand by what you said though, it's not your place to solve this now. You can't be paying his drug debts. Sending support through the internet to you xx