husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

. I agree you need to understand what he has spent it on but it's very easily

I foolishly ran up credit card debt a number of times in my 20s when I was a student - the figure was closer to 4K thought.

But as a working professional in my 30s I’m definitely more mindful of my things and despite not being the best with money, not budgeting and having a penchant for annual travel in America and Asia, I don’t think a debt of this size is “easily done” under the circumstances OP has laid out .

It requires quite a high degree of recklessness to accrue an additional 5K in debt within a year when he was already several thousands pounds in debt .

And as he had a partner with whom he shares finances, it’s exceptionally reckless and selfish.

The exception to this would be if their income didn’t cover day to day expenditure and they found themselves dipping into the credit card daily to survive. Or if he had a very high salary which meant he could easily pay off a debt of that side over a couple of months.

But if he has been using it for luxuries /gambling to get into large debt he can’t manage IMO, I feel it isn’t really easily done.

@beautifulbrothers
its so hard not to be arsey on my replies to him today but hes getting dry replies which isnt like me so he knows fine well im miffed!

he cant keep hold of money thats for sure. literally as soon as he is paid and has his share of the very little left its spent!

whereas me, i'd save a fiver if need be!

This! Accept no excuses and make it a deal breaker. He has two choices - show you ALL the credit card bills for the year or it's divorce! Don't be fobbed off.

thank you so much everyone,
sorry im not getting to reply to everyone,
but i really appreciate all your input.

Sorry to hear this OP. 💐

£13.5k (+ the £4k you gave him) is an interesting amount. It's easily within the "just shit with money" bracket and not necessarily indicative of a secret behaviour such as gambling or drug use. When I was in my early 20s and not earning very much I built up around this amount because I spent more than I earned. I was far from extravagant but I was spending beyond my means. Took me several years of hard work to clear it.

As others have said, first you need to find out what he's spending it on. Addiction is a whole new problem. Poor spending might seem easier but I'm not sure it actually is. For most people, spending and saving habits are deeply rooted in their emotional psyche. It can be hard to change that.

Secondly you need a commitment from him to work with you followed along with full transparency over his financial affairs. If he thinks you're over-reacting or micromanaging him you have bigger problems unfortunately. He's not necessarily wrong to feel like that but the two of you are fundamentally mismatched if he does.

I hope you work it out. 💐

The problem you’re going to have is that you’re going to have to just trust that he’ll tell the truth going forward. He’s taken these credit cards out which means yes you can cut them up tonight and it will be a big statement of “they are gone”, but actually he could have 3 replacement cards arrive the next day. To resolve this you’re going to need a total honest and open chat, without judgement (if possible) because the amount he has spent is not just “daily spends” unless his daily spends include bags of coke, secret smoker, gambling, OnlyFans etc. So you need to get to the bottom of what the money is being spent on first of all. Second of all, you need to have a real open chat about why you’re only finding out about this now, you’re marriage, you are BOTH putting money towards paying off these debts, so why is it that he didn’t feel he could come to you when he was struggling before taking out another card and spending on that? There will be a reason, you need to find out what that is.

Debt in itself wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, if it’s car expenses, house expenses, unexpected bills etc- things happen. But if it was any of those things, surely as a married couple he would have discussed it with you. The secrecy is the deal breaker, and the reason behind the secrecy (drugs, gambling, porn etc). Good luck x

What has he got to show for the £13.5k he has spent? Is it something he could sell?

@Resilience yesterday when i found out about this, i made a plan of how much of the 400 was to go to each 1 from November onwards.
he is all for it and eager to work with me thankfully
however, i just feel so annoyed, as you say hes had 4000 this year, thats been nearly a whole year weve both been skint for really.
he will still recieve this 400 so im back to square 1 if not beyond, just feel why should i have nothing when he has created this mess.

but, me being me, wouldnt like to go out buying myself anything knowing he's sitting with nothing so im in a catch 22.

massive sigh

@DRS1970 absolutley nothing! thats what makes this worse,

i wish he had something he could sell cause you better beleive it would be up for sale tonight lol

Well, it's reasonable that you're miffed! If I were you, I'd think about how he's going to show you that you'll work it out together.

This will sound OTT, but my DH and I used to itemise absolutely everything onto a spreadsheet every Sunday. It was only when things were really tight, but it meant he had to own up to spending £50+ on lunches and coffees every week and there were so many other spends that he could suddenly see: tech stuff that he "needed", clothes, night's out that always ended in a takeaway. No idea how he didn't realise that money was coming from somewhere... 🙄 Perhaps your DH would agree to something similar?

My DH didn't want to do it forever (fair enough) but it completely changed his attitude to spending.

I'm really hoping for you that your DH is up for looking at everything together with you.x

It’s very easy to run up debt.

You have to take the cards off him, put them in the blender and tell him if he takes out any further loans then you will have to split up.

Put everything out on the table (and there
may be other loans too) and you can tackle it together but if he deceives you again then the relationship is all over.

I think you need money advice from a professional, you seem a bit too trusting and I think ye need a good solid plan for paying it back.

@Mrsttcno1 yeah when he gets home tonight, i will want to see his statements.
i need to..
i wont ever know what the resoning behind it is until i see them.
he says its daily spending but something isnt adding up.
hoping i get to the bottom of it tonight.

@beautifulbrothers not OTT at all,
this is how this came about, i have a spreadsheet on my computer at work.
every single item is on there that goes out every month,
was then i realised my god this is tight and text him asking how he was getting on with the cards. hoping he'd come back and say aww this 1 is nearly paid and that 1 has this much,.
didnt expect him to throw in 13.5k of debt

@3luckystars i am trusting, sometimes a flaw lol

i reckon after our chat tonight and me asking to see the statements and every statement that comes in from now on will nip this in the bud but you are right,
he does this again he's on his own.
to spend the next 3 years or so watching every penny because of this it would be the icing on the cake if i ever found he's taken more credit.

@C22 good luck for tonight.

The eagerness is encouraging and suggests maybe he's relieved to have this in the open and genuinely committed to overcoming it. Just make sure you don't let him slip into the role of child with you being mum. He needs to tackle this as an adult in an equal relationship with a person affected by his spending.

Have you ever clashed on money issues before? DH and I are actually very similar (both grew up poor) but he will happily spend more on something than I will (I still go for the cheaper option whereas he wants to prove he's not poor any more so will go for the best-quality option) . He will use credit much more regularly to get something while I'll go without or save up for it. We both know where the line is between essential and non-essential lies and where our individual finances have implications for the other. There are some useful questionnaires online you can do to identify your spending psyche. It may be worth doing something like that to identify the clashes so you can discuss them and negotiate a mutually acceptable compromise.

do you know all your incomings and outgoings - howmuch should be left?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
yeah, i have a spreadsheet lol as mad as it sounds and it has everything on there that goes out.

@Resilience to be honest no we've never had a clash on finance but i do notice we are similar to you guys, im the saver. he cant hold money in his pocket long.
this is something he needs to work on definitely.
i certainly dont want to be mummying him through this, this is his mess, he needs to step up or im move on. as hard as that would be.

Wow what a prize twat.
So your life is now plunged into further misery of scraping every penny together for the forseeable future because he was reckless/selfish/didn’t want to have an adult conversation with his wife for the best part of a year.
For me that level of lying by omission would be unforgivable. He will have deleted any apps that he shouldn’t have on his phone by the time he gets home. Hope he’s complicit with providing you with statements for all of these bank cards so you can see exactly where’s he’s been pissing money.
Oh yes now he’s reflecting on how he’s been caught out he’s very keen to fix things and be honest! And of course what that really means is op, you be the mum and come up with the next stage of the plan because he screwed up the first stage.
I can understand running into financial difficulties when you’re young and don’t really understand how interest etc work. And I can understand that debt builds up for all sorts of reasons that can’t be avoided in some cases.
But as your supposed equal he has chosen not to discuss any of this with you and gone behind your back. Fucking horrible behaviour.
Bloody hell.

He's spent £13.5k in a year and you've no idea what on??! He's either got another relationship on the go, or he's gambling/got a spending addiction.

When you're talking this through tonight, do a ClearScore or Experian report together. That way, he can't be hiding anything else from you. If he won't, it's a deal breaker.

And bear in mind this is HIS debt, not yours. He pays 50/50 for household expenses, then spends the rest sorting this shit out and not one penny of your money goes to repaying this. Don't be a mug.

You need to expand your spreadsheet and include his credit cards on it too!

I think he’s not fully accepted he needs to completely change his lifestyle from the first time you talked about the debt. I suspect he’s not actually spending it on anything specific like gambling etc, I would imagine it’s just generally overspending - I am guilty of this myself and it’s surprisingly easy to suddenly find yourself 2/3/4k in debt without really realising it if you’re not actually changing how you live. You really need to sit down and budget / plan out your expenditure. It’s extremely hard to change though if you’ve always had credit available etc. I am very guilty of this myself. 😬🫣

First two questions to check if this is a financial abuse by op situation

is your lifestyle set up in such a way that his half of the expenses is a stretch for his financial situation? Essentially, are you expecting him to live beyond his means.

is this a situation where he is putting things on credit cards to hide spending on essentials like food?

hoping op answers honestly and that the answer to both is no and it is not a case of financial abuse forcing him to his spending.

moving on

i would make this very simple. Starting today, neither of you has financial privacy anymore behind a small discretionary budget. All accounts are going to be open to
examination and reviewed monthly. No matter how you decide to arrange your finances and budget, you need financial transparency. The other option is to divorce so that you are no longer financially linked.

@TheChosenTwo
yup, i am absilutely livid.
i will be asking for the statements the second he gets home, if there is any hesitation he's home alone tonight.
i am not putting up with anymore bull.
he is a 40 year old man, he should know how to use credit sensibly.

I'll tell you what I think:

You know about these debts but there are others, this is why he cant service the debt you know about.

As you have worked out, you need all the statements.