husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

unsecured debt can become secured debt if the company goes to court and you have no means to pay. The only way to protect yourself from a partner with debts is to legally separate or divorce.

I'm guessing posters mean consolidating the debt on to one card, which would still be a credit agreement rather than anything secured on the house.

OP have you seen any evidence of him being a cokehead? I'm sorry but it's important to get yourself checked for STDs. Also does he work as many hours as you think?

Gaming, gambling and paying for sex seem more likely to cause this level of a debt than a coke habit.

I'd also be asking for a portion of his salary to go straight to an account in your name only to pay his share of bills.

Go and see a solicitor and get rid!

Tbh I'd probably have to leave to protect my own sanity in this situation.

However if you do not leave immediately a condition of trying to work this out would be full and absolute financial transparency from him. I'd be checking credit reports to ensure that he isn't hiding more cards from you... if he is a coke head this will not end quickly.

I'd also be making that debt repayment to the card directly from the joint account to ensure that it happens, having cut up the car to ensure no more spending. Any spending money you agree he can have he gets in cash. Yes it's nannying him - but it's also protecting your own financial future whilst you are legally tied to him.
I'd also be checking both your credit histories at least once a month and probably seeking to block any new applications for now.

What a nightmare OP. I hope you get through it without too much personal hardship.

I agree. My ex-DH had debt which I knew about before we married, but I didn't realise the extent of it. We still managed to get a mortgage though and after six years he was offered credit cards again, despite still paying off a CCJ from the previous debt. He went crazy with them again even though I was struggling to make ends meet. Have never known anyone so mean! It became apparent that if we stayed together there was a good chance a charge would be put on the house and I had put down a substantial deposit from the sale of my previous home, so he moved out. We got divorced and he signed over the house to me. He told everyone he had been very good to move out and didn't even address the fact it was behaviour that had caused the mess in the first place. He was a heavy drinker so can only assume that's where all the money went. People like this never change.

So you are staying with him? I am pretty shocked at that.

You cannot possibly trust him. He will do this kind of thing over and over again.

So as far as he’s concerned you’ve accepted his story about having developed a massive coke habit to which you were completely oblivious, he’s made these calls to suitable helplines and you’ve calmed down - phew, he must be pretty pleased that he’s smoothed things over so well. Just that pesky credit card debt to clear but at least he won’t have to admit to anything more uncomfortable.

Experienced same issue with my husband about 10 years ago, though overall debt was less at approx £2000. He confessed he’d gotten out of his depth (through careless/reckless spending) & was genuinely remorseful. I gave him the angry rollicking he deserved, then sat down with him to work out how to get him straight, paying off high interest debt first, then 2nd etc. For his ‘spending’ money, he agreed to withdraw £80 on pay day (he gets paid 4 weekly) & I would put £20 in 4 separate envelopes which I would look after & give him each Friday.

This method may seem a bit patronising/emasculating, but I took no pleasure from controlling his money, and he appreciated how I was taking the burden of the worry of his debt off him. He even gave back £10 off his ‘allowance’ now and then to put towards following week instead - he was learning to budget! ☺️.

Anyway, we cleared all the debts he had within 14 months + paid our car loan 2 months early! I never nagged him about situation after I first told him off, which helped our relationship survive.

He still isn’t brilliant with money (savings come & go, has a small overdraft just before payday etc) but he’s wonderful in other ways. I just happen to be good with money/being self disciplined, so able to help him.

You need full disclosure on your husbands debts & where money went then, if he will cooperate, work out a plan/budget for him - using the weekly envelope system with agreed fixed weekly cash about. NO credit or debit cards to be left in his possession until ALL debts are cleared, possibly longer. if your relationship is strong enough you should survive this episode, and if you do you should be even stronger as a couple. Good luck! 🍀

Also, all those cash withdrawals will be the reason he hasn't been offered a consolidation loan.

The first rule of having a credit card is to never withdraw cash, because of the charges incurred. But then those cash withdrawals also flag up on your account, and indicate to credit agencies and other financial institutions that you have very poor financial control.

I definitely have not accepted any stories because my gut is telling me there is more to this,
it’s the month of June more so where he has taken out 610 cash from his cc plus had 200 in cash from our pot, so 810 for 1 month,
I am not buying this about it going on coke and crap, no way.
I’d notice for sure if his habit was that expensive.,

im not in the frame of mind just yet to make a decision on stay or go cause its all still up in the air like confetti,,
would make things a lot easier if we were not married.,
someone asked how long have we been together. Together 15 years, married 12.

I will speak to him more tomorrow when I finish work as he’s off, I’m dragging him to my sons to make him tell him the mess he’s caused to our family.
after that I will request to see his phone. Will go through it in front of him with a fine tooth comb.

ahd I am not letting the cash withdrawals go either, he will be nagged till his ears bleed to get an answer I find may be the truth, cause what he’s saying right now is just not adding up at all.

Go through the statements well, check where the cash was took out etc. The fact he sat with you while you went through them feels like he was waiting to see if you would see anything. I’m glad you aren’t rolling over for him. How’s he going to cope with no money? Other than trying to find a better paid job what is his plan? He will already be covering his back, at least from his ‘walk’.
This is a him issue, he needs to resolve it.

Definitely grill him OP, but cocaine is very expensive and can add up quickly, as well as being highly addictive. My DH was spending 100 every couple of days at one point, so it is possible. I would ask where he was getting it from, who were the dealers does he still have their numbers in his phone? What exact days was he getting the cash out, was it days/times where you’ve weren’t around? That would make it more likely to be sex work for me. Amounts of £100 are also less suspicious to me as that normally buys you a specific amount of cocaine (at least where I live)

Yet women are always told that in a marriage it's 'family money' when she wants it!
Not defending the man, just as usual amused by MN's hypocrisy.

agonyau the situation you had is a world away from what's happening to OP.

You tell me where women are told that private debt on personal non essential spending including coke is family money.
women are always told it’s family money when they are getting into debt on mat leave or as stay at home mums to pay for shoes tor the children and food to cook, that is certainly true.

I've never seen a woman get told to use her husband to pay off frivolous debt here. And I'm here far too much! 😂

I bet its going on Only Fans.

Unfortunately it all sounds too convenient.
He is playing the part of the poor junkie and his battle to get off drugs. Calling helplines so they can massage his ego and he can play the star in the story of his life.

I don’t buy it and neither should you

All of a sudden he is applying for jobs that have better pay so he can pay off his debt.

That I can almost guarantee won’t happen. With the better pay will come an increase in his credit limit or more credit cards and with that comes more debt.

He needs to do a minimum wage job on top of his normal job to understand what he has actually done otherwise it is all too easy and nothing has been learned

My advice is Run and run now. Make sure in your divorce that the judge knows your ex is a drug addict and spendaholic and the debts are purely from his drug and spending habit. Sometime the judge will take that into consideration when deciding on the financial split

Op I wonder if he checked the bank statements before releasing them to you. Go back further. Get him to Check all three credit reports (use the thirty day free trial on check my file). Write down which accounts he has and cross reference. Go back as far as you can on online banking.

i’m so sorry to read this, OP. What a difficult situation for you. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it and also manage to resolve it. Take care

I suspect gambling - it usually is

@C22 I sympathise having experienced the reverse with a wife who wouldn't stop spending well beyond her/our means.
Bizarrely, the one thing that stopped her spending, when we were deep in the red was me buying two suits and half a dozen expensive shirts - as I said that if I was heading for bankruptcy, I might as well be well-dressed. Doing that changed her behaviour because she recognised that both of us being profligate wasn't sustainable.
It's not your fault for being responsible with money, but it does allow him to think that 'it will all work out' because you are being careful.
My suspicions would run to Crypto or being ripped off by investment scams and trying to win back earlier losses - when crooks get their hooks into you, they rarely let go and some victims can be very self-deluding.
Good luck, but you must be unrelenting and alert for a similar situation once things get under control. Spendthrifts have a very short memory.

A lot of what people are suggesting can be done with card, but he has been talking large amounts of cash out, so either drugs, gambling, or prostitutes?

This sounds like a very difficult situation OP. Spending/cash withdrawals could be anything - affair, drugs, gambling, scam…

Here’s how I’d handle it, assuming you want to stay in this marriage (I personally wouldn’t but that’s neither here nor there). Sit him down and demand answers, calmly and firmly. Go through all the statements systematically and he needs to openly, convincingly account for all spending. Then he sees a debt counsellor with you and comes up with a plan. No more rights to privacy for him, he can’t be trusted. He now needs to be willing to open his finances completely to you and have you monitor him. If he can’t behave like a responsible adult he doesn’t get treated like one. Any push-back, evasiveness, refusal to engage and I would be out of there. Any backsliding and I would be out of there.

So people on mumsnet say that men should pay off their wives coke habit?