Settling the bill after holiday with a friend...

[KathyLoves]

So, my friend and I planned a once in a lifetime kid-free trip to Mexico. Finally, we got to go in September however I was signed off on stress leave from work the month before and I was very clear that I needed a break. It turned into a disaster, despite her being older and (I thought) more responsibile than me, (she's a very very senior civil servant and is often on the news for her job), she was a nightmare and the trip felt like I was her personal assistant not her friend.

Basically, she was inconsiderate throughout and showed no common sense.

She didn't have a working credit or debit card (forgot her pin number for the credit card, debit card doesn't work overseas) for the trip so expected me to pay for everything and said she'd pay me back.

I'm so stressed because she owes me a lot of money and we're not on the best terms because she made the trip so miserable for me and I told her I needed some space to de-stress as it wasn't the trip I was expecting.

More details-
This went on for the week we were away... she wanted to buy duty free ciggies and split them (but changed her mind after I bought them), she was sending me to pay for diet cokes on the beach (when I was drinking my own bottled water), she wanted to go on expensive day trips and the whole thing was incredibly stressful as she also couldn't organise anything herself (even her excess luggage on the way back she couldn't get sorted so I had to pay it at the airport for her... £130!!!!).

Anyway, when we came back I said I'd plug the expenses in to our cost share app when I had the chance (frankly, I was already stressed enough after the expensive holiday from hell and the idea of going through all of the receipts wasn't a priority). I paid the huge credit card bill out of my savings (which are now down to £300) and finally put the expense list together today... she owes me £1500. I was shocked (but it makes me feel better about that huge bill). This doesn't include the stuff I paid for her in cash (like tips, taxis, some drinks), the cigarettes she changed her mind about (fine, I'll keep them even though I don't need them) or little things like buying the odd coffee for her or snack.

She'll have a notification from the app to say I've added the expenses but I'm dreading her messaging me about. (Why do I even feel bad when she's the one who owes me money!?) I'm worried she'll quibble over things like foreign exchange fees or credit card fees (the first time she disrupted me on the beach to pay her bar bill she said 'I'll make a note that I owe you £2.50 for the diet coke!' and I said I'll be charged more on my card because of fees and it doesn't seem fair that I'm paying the difference... she pouted and just said again 'it says £2.50 on the menu')

Why couldn’t she transfer the money to you? You don’t need a pin for that. It’s been a month and she hasn’t given you anything, look into your legal options if she doesn’t respond to you. You deserve better than her

I'd just send a text, rather than wait

Hi X, sorry it's taken me so long, but I've finally got round to emailing you the breakdown of our holiday. Can you transfer it asap please, my bank details are XXX, thanks

So, what exactly is the issue here - stuff that happened on holiday or the money? With every post you find something more to complain about her. Where did you stay in Mexico? Package holidays to Mexico seem to be All Inclusive. It's rather odd that she had dinner and used her card which by some miracle worked on this one occasion, while you had to go hungry. It's also strange that she didn't offer to buy you dinner when you had been continually financing her.

I wouldn't be surprised if this was part of a plan by your 'friend'. You can easily change your PIN number for a debit/credit card. And she'd have time to get one that works overseas if she wanted to do so, or get something sorted out.

I struggle to see that she's so dense that she's not in control of her finances but I do know quite a few high powered people who simply think that others will cover the costs for them. And they think it's their due that people do this. That's what I think this 'friend' is like. People like this often play the 'helpless female' and expect others to sort things out for them, I lived with a flatmate like this before I bought my own place. Nightmare, expected everyone else to sort out bills/council tax etc for her.

She didn't have a working credit or debit card (forgot her pin number for the credit card, debit card doesn't work overseas) for the trip
**
I don't* believe *her debit card doesn't work overseas.

Is it against rules when you know someone is making up a story?

And me.

A senior civil servant who’d be in the papers? I can’t even begin to understand who that might be.

I'd write off the friendship and then just nag her daily re the money until you have it back in your bank account . You have nothing to lose except your money so go for it.

I never understand the "you're never getting that money back" messages. Yes, OP shouldn't have paid her friend's way, and she needs to learn from this experience, but... why won't she get the money back? If she stands up for herself, demands repayment, doesn't back down if it gets uncomfortable, of course she can get the money back. It may require taking her to small claims court or naming and shaming her (which I would absolutely do, if she refuses to pay you back), but there are ways, if you're committed. Righteous indignation helps you see it through.

Two things

She doesn't want to pay you back, this much is screamingly obvious. She had no intention of ever doing so. You are just an irritant now

To be honest, I'd cut your losses in your shoes and ghost her. The more you stress about her not ponying up the money, the worse it will be.

Personally I’d be prepared to call her out on it publicly. She had zero consideration for you and treated you like a cash machine and minion.

OP this is very identifying - I think I know who you are talking about and I am sure a fair few people have figured it out.

if she is in the news there aren’t many very senior female civil servants. I think you should take this down

I think there’s been insufficient speculation on the identity of the “top civil servant” 😂

I think the more naming and shaming the better in this instance.

I think you may be letting your anxiety get the better of you a bit. You’ve added it up and put it in the app. You haven’t messaged her yet and there’s no indication you won’t get your money back. you are focusing on everything that went wrong and everything that could go wrong. You’re even worrying about when to message her.

Try to take a deep breath and/step back/etc. and unentangle your emotions and your tendency to try and fix things for everyone. Treat it more like you would (I hope) a business transaction.

She owes you money. You’ve detailed it (personally I think you should add in the cash transactions too). Now you need to message her to let her know it’s there and ask for payment. Detail how she can pay and when you need payment by. Leave it up to her to manage when she reads her messages and how she handles that with her other on going commitments.

If she responds to dispute something, look at it carefully, putting your (justified!) annoyance with her to one side. See if she has a point but don’t cave just because she’s protesting. Message back with your counter whether that’s “You’re right, I’ve adjusted. Thanks for spotting that.” Or “No, the charges are a direct consequences of me having to pay for you, you need to cover them.” Or “It would be reasonable to split that 50/50 but not for me to cover it all. I’ve adjusted by X.” Or whatever. If she fails to pay by the date you’ve specified, text asking if she intends to. If there’s no movement in a reasonable time or she only pays a small part of it, look at the process for starting a small claims action. It’s not a particularly hard process.

Don’t get into the stress of the holiday with her. Just sort the money.

And for your own mental health, try and set aside time to deal with this and then put it out of mind for the rest of the time (by telling yourself you’ll think about it during the time you’ve set aside.). This isn’t a problem yet and there are ways to deal with it if it becomes one. So think about other things most of the time!

This and if she says anything about the credit card fee’s I’d be telling her she should be paying it in full as u had cash and probably wouldn’t have needed to use ur card in the first place if it wasn’t for her

Interesting first post

Senior civil servants are deputy director and above so there are probably hundreds. You are right though in that not many (of either sex) are in the news. I can only think of 2 female SCS I've heard mentioned recently.

Good luck

What’s not to understand?

People don’t get paid back for loans all the time. And this wasn’t even a ‘loan’, it was a CF making up a load of old bull about forgotten PINs and other unbelievable nonsense so that the OP would pay for her.

She never wanted to pay for anything, in the first place.

Plus, you need to be extremely tenacious to even have a chance of seeing any of the money owed. The OP doesn’t even want to send the text asking for the money.

Not quite the same thing but for years my family enjoyed Christmas lunch with a friend and her family. Most of the time her Dad paid her family's share (she was in her 40s at the time, her parents joined the meal) and we paid our share. Then her Dad didn't come one year, the bill arrived and was given to my DH (as the man at the table... yes I know, very old fashioned but ...) after an awkward (for my DH) 10 mins when our friend seemed to studiously ignore the bill, he settled it. Didn't want to make a scene on Christmas day. Then we waited and waited and waited for our friend to contact us about paying her share (which was significant several hundreds of pounds). Nothing. We saw her and she said nothing. So I did. I told her what the split was, sent her our account details and asked her to pay. She did. But I am convinced that had I not bluntly and directly asked her to pay she would not have. We're still friendly but the shared dinners stopped.

So being direct and blunt can do the trick even if it feels uncomfortable for you. But better to feel uncomfortable about that than annoyed with yourself.

I did a 2.5-week trip with a "friend" who was traveling from another country (that we are both from) but I met her in the UK 17 years ago to celebrate my big birthday. We chatted regularly for many years. She was there on the phone when my marriage broke down, kids were born, etc like I was for her.

On the very first day of the trip, I realised that was not the person I pictured holidaying with. Self-entitlement, drama, demands, problems with accommodation, etc wanting to take a taxi in Rome for a 15-minute walk as she only came with high heels (Insta ready) and it was just too much. We did quite a few countries and for some, I chose my battles but she made it miserable. For a lot of the trip, I left her at the hotel and did my own exploring and own hiking. She joined me on one of the hikes with the wrong shoes and outfits and got angry and horrible because people were staring at her. Our last two countries were Berlin and then Amsterdam.

We were taking a coach to Amsterdam and I left her at the bus station in Berlin and took a taxi to the nearest airport and went home. 2 days before my birthday. We should have celebrated my actual big birthday in Amsterdam I paid for quite expensive accommodation there as well but I thought she could have it and I would go home to my partner and my kids and my party that he planned for at the end of that week with my amazing friends.

She blocked me on all social media platforms and I never heard from her again since 2019. Normally I would have missed her by now but saw such a horrible ugly side to her that I do not miss her at all. We had amazing memories early on in our friendship and I will always think of that fondly. But cannot do drama anymore. And I really do not need that negativity in my life.

You have a cheeky fxxker on your hands OP.

Send the text ONCE, then text to confirm she has it.

Ask for it to be transferred IMMEDIATELY to you as you have paid it.

Should she not reply.

Text her your intention to lodge with Small Claims.

She is a disgrace.

For the £25? pounds I would nearly do it and send her a photo of it.

She is trying to screw you and the only way to deal with people like that is ruthlessly.

Put her into the Smalls Claim system and let it be leaked, because it most likely will be.

My friend years ago was sharing a house with 3 people 1 girl, 2 men, one of the guys upped and left to move in with his girlfriend.

He left without paying notice, utilities and the cleaner.
She warned him that she would force his hand.

My friend was vicious at his meanness and lodged a claim, forwarded the claim details to HR in his company.

He was furious as HR called him in and told him to sort his private life out pronto.
He paid up immediately.

THAT is how you deal with CF's.
Ruthlessly.

Oh and I have used Small Claims 3 times, twice was settled, once went to court and won.

All CF's who thought I wouldn't follow though.
All men doing poor work and thinking a young woman won't pursue it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP it is truly terrible. NO other advice. Send her a text follow up on a week with the small claims court.

Actually threaten judge Rinder if she's that high profile (trying to be helpful).

She's not cf she's a con artist and they are very good at their job.