Am so sad and miserable...

[beakas]

Came out of hospital just over a week ago now after going for a scan at 16 weeks and finding no heart beat. First baby for us, we tried for so long and I just feel like my heart is going to break. Have had days where I think I'm fine but there seem to be pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE! and that just sets me off again...maybe I came back to work too soon, I don't know. Have also been told am being made redundant at end of June. Everyhing is going wrong. Have a fabulous husband who is being great, and lots of support from family but I still feel so alone.I just can't believe it happened so late..thought once I had got the first 12 weeks over with it would all be ok...

Eris' thread for bereaved mummies

Hope I have done that right.

Hi everyone, how are you doing?

Beakas, glad you're back, and that you're feeling a bit better today. Hope it continues to get a bit easier for you. You're so right about the support that we are getting from each other, I don't know what I'd do without it. Had a phone call today from the lady who's replacing me at work - she demanded to know whether I was better yet (ffs) and whether I would be in next week as she needs to make plans. This is the woman who has somehow found out that I've had a m/c and has taken it upon herself to inform my work colleagues. The result of this is that I am dreading going back to work - I could have coped (I think) if I thought people didn't know, but to go in to a load of sympathy, well, god knows what state I'll be in... Re constipation (I SO hate that word!), yes, I have have been veering between that and an 'upset stomach' - just shows how much what's happened has affected our bodies... I was also retching today (as in pg symptom retching) so I think I must still have hcg in my system. V upsetting.
Am with you on the mistake thing - it's an awful thing to keep thinking about and the reality is that they won't have made a mistake, but it is a truly horrible thought...

The conversation that dh and I had last night was quite good - I managed not to get too upset, but at the same time he realised how upset I still am, if that makes sense. Think he feels a bit bad. He suggested this morning that we don't wait a few months to ttc again, but to try as soon as we can (doc said wait at least one month). I don't know how I feel about this - am excited at the thought but scared it would be too early both mentally and physically (read somewhere that after a d&c the lining of the uterus is quite thin and therefore not as good for implanting an egg into). Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

nandos - hope y'day was the worst day and that things get a little easier from here on in. Make sure you take something to help with the pain. Have you got any anti-inflammatory tablets as they are very good at helping with stomach cramps. I'm not sure what to say about how you feel towards your dh. I just hope you are okay. Maybe you should visit the marriage thread as someone there might be able to help you. I will say this though - bear in mind that this is a very emotional and distressing time for you, which is likely to make any other issue in your life more upsetting. We will be here for you if you want to talk about it, whether you go to the marriage thread or not...

Have been lurking here for a few days but feel able to post now.....

Found out on Monday after some brown spotting (which is normal I was told by my GP!!) that my 7.5 week baby (not pregnancy tissue- BABY!!) had died in my womb a few days before and am now at home miscarrying naturally. Am feeling a whole host of emotions- fear, anger, shock and immense grief. We had been trying to conceive for 15 months and the baby was so so so wanted. I have a 5 year old DD by a previous partner and I just want her to have a brother or sister and DH to be a Daddy. Have started bleeding very heavily today, I'm not in pain- just in a mess! I wont be rescanned (to make sure that I have 'passed' everything) til the 27th and am not planning on returning to work til after that- my mind is in pain and I cant even think about work til I can draw a line under this awful sad event both physically and emotionally. Am trying desperatley to keep my mind off things- cleaning, washing, ironing, anything to make me feel normal and take this heavy pain out of my head. DH wants to TTC immediatly and take advantage of my supposed heightened fertility (dirty b**tard!!) but we are going away in August to Greece and my head is saying to enjoy my holiday before I put myself through concern and worry. If i got pg straight away (fat chance!!) I would be 7/8 weeks while we are away and I feel this will now be a milestone in any pregancy i have so really dont want to be abroad at that point. Despite the fact that right now, I dont want another baby. I want this one back

charliesmum and nandos i recognise you from the antenatal club- I'm so sorry you are both here too but hope you are both getting stronger. Today I have actually felt physically weak- I dont know if its the bloodloss but i feel like a zombie.

beakas your story is heart wrenching- hugs to you hun.

Hi mummy2olivia, I wondered whether you would join us, and I'm really glad you have. I'm so sorry about your baby I can totally relate to your worries about the 7/8 week mark in a possible next pregnancy. Pregnancy next time round (fingers crossed we're that lucky) will be a very different experience. You made me cry when you said you want this baby back. I know exactly how you feel.

I read somewhere that the whole experience of miscarriage can leave you feeling exhausted, so make sure you get lots of rest and that you're not doing too much.

By the way, we're going to Italy in August, and I have the same worry as you re timing- think it may be a good idea to wait to ttc - would be terrified going away somewhere and lugging loads of baggage etc at that vulnerable stage. Also would be good to just be able to enjoy the holiday without all that worry at the back of my mind...

Sending you a big hug x

Mummy2olivia, sending you HUGE hugs, I'm so sorry for what you're going through at the moment, my heart goes out to you.Please don't make the same mistake as I did and go back to work too soon, it's so important that you take as long as you feel you need, nothing matters more than that. (especially if the bastards made you redundant when they found out you were pregnant like they did with me, grr, but that's another story)
Charliesmum-I feel really weird about trying again. Think I would just be petrified of the whole bloody thing happening again. I found myself throughout the whole 16 weeks making 'deals'. I am not a religious person but kept saying to 'someone' "I'll be the best Mummy in the world if you keep my baby safe and healthy" etc.etc. And yet it still all went wrong. He was just soooo wanted and we had tried for so long (sorry for going on about it)If I found out again that we were pregnant I would be locking myself in a darkened room for 9 months I think..Part of me doesn't want anything other than MY baby, the one that died.
Shabster- thankyou so much for the link, I shall pop by and see you.x

The really weird thing is that I have kind of known all through this pregnancy that something was wrong. I didnt know what but something was just niggling me.....

Found out was pregnant very early (at 3+5) and stupidly thought it meant hormone levels must be good and strong. However, have never had any symptoms other than spots and sore boobs. Nothing. Na da. Havent even felt pregnant. However when pregnant with DD I was a spewing, retching, dizzy, pale, messed up monster of a pregnant woman. Completely different. was assured by numerous people that it was because 'no pregnancy is the same'- and this is probably true in majority of cases. But I am a great believer that if you feel like something is wrong/not quite right, then you are usually right. It was odd because as much as I hoped all would be ok somewhjere in the back of my mind I couldnt see myself having this baby I just knew it wasnt meant to be born.

When i was told he was gone (I'm sure its a boy!!) it was like confirmation. Still extremely sad and didnt quite believe it but was expecting it.

I have put all my pregnancy tests, a cuddly monkey, a congrats card and a scan pic in a tin under my side of the bed. I feel silly but I dont care- he may have only been 7 weeks old but he was still a baby in my mind. And I'm still his mummy.

Oh m2o, that's just how I felt - I was convinced something was wrong from a few days after we found out. I didn't feel sick but with DS was v poorly from 5 weeks... I was so worried up to the first scan (they do them early here) where we were told it was too early to see the heartbeat (I was 6+4), and then we had to wait 6 days to go back again. We did see the baby's heartbeat, but then after 5 days of relief and telling myself to be more positive the worst happened. Although I know I am lucky to have seen our baby's heart beating (and I will never forget it) I almost wish they'd have given us the final news sooner. The doctor thinks it's heart stopped 2 days after the scan, and it just seems so cruel, taunting us with what could have been. I also have the scan pic, the pregnancy test, and the cards from some flowers we received all put away safely. I miss my baby so much, and I never even got to meet him/her.

Exactly the same here- saw a HB (although it looked a little slow to me) at 6+6 then was told baby had gone at 7+5. What a cruel trick.

We miss our baby too- I was so happy to find out i was pg....then this.

MIL told me today that my stressing during those few weeks caused the miscarriage. Its a good job I've got a good sense of humour!!

Exactly the same here- saw a HB (although it looked a little slow to me) at 6+6 then was told baby had gone at 7+5. What a cruel trick.

We miss our baby too- I was so happy to find out i was pg....then this.

MIL told me today that my stressing during those few weeks caused the miscarriage. Its a good job I've got a good sense of humour!!

Exactly the same here- saw a HB (although it looked a little slow to me) at 6+6 then was told baby had gone at 7+5. What a cruel trick.

We miss our baby too- I was so happy to find out i was pg....then this.

MIL told me today that my stressing during those few weeks caused the miscarriage. Its a good job I've got a good sense of humour!!

mummy2olivia,
glad you are here to join us ..we are all here to support you if you need.
I find that mumsnet is my bestfriend now
my mind is a total mess right now as you can see from february i have been from the conception thread to the antenatal, to the miscarriage and now to the relationship thread(due to lack of support from dh)
anywayz back to you..
i think you need to take a lot of rest cos' you have a dd to take care of as well as yourself. my friend told me(she had a recent mc as well) the body is very weak and need to rest and lie down whenever possible. als cut back on your houseowrk cos' it can be quite a strain on your body..

Oh my god- post overload!!

I know- I must rest. As soon as I try to rest though, I start thinking. And thinking isnt good right now.

Thinking+blaming myself+thinking how things could have been= lots of crying and chest beating.

not good.

Back to the hospital today to be told everything looks OK and to go back for final blood tests in a week.

Had to go and sit in a coffee shop whilst waiting for results and it was full of pregnant women and new born babies. Managed to only cry twice but am scared how I am ever going to get back into the real world. My boss keeps telling me to take off as much time as I need but I am worried that I will make things worse by not restarting my life.

Beakas, I feel the same way. I want to start ttc (in our case it was IVF) but can't even contemplate the 9 months of stress if successful

Nandos, I agree with the rest bit and have got used to my afternoon nap whilst (trying to) watch murder she wrote each afternoon. Due to the recent good weather our tv reception has been awful (down to BBC1 and 2 only) so today the Sky man arrived so I now have more programs to fall asleep to.

Nandos- am sorry your DH has been unsupportive. My DH is the loveliest person ever but emotionally he is utter shit. He has been there with cuddles and strokes and has shed tears with me. He has even taken this week off work to be with me. BUT he is a man of few words and has thrown himself into a sudden urge to move house ie. booking valuations and booking appts to go and see houses. weird. But it seems to be his way of dealing with things- keeping his mind off it. Focussing on something else.

mummy2- your MIL said WHAT???? Does your DH KNOW? How could she say such a thing? I am thinking of writing a booklet for people in our situation to hand out to relatives, friends, colleagues etc. as to what wise arse things NOT to say, and suggestions of things that may have a positive impact. I am just baffled beyond bafflement (?!) as to reactions of some people.
Sugr, I thought it would be the best thing too, to get back into work and 'normality' as quickly as possible. I know people need different things, but I do wish now that I personally had had a couple of days on my own. I hated the thought at the time, but in hindsight I think I was a bit smothered by DH, parents, etc. and maybe a day or two of watching murder she wrote may have helped!! You have all the time in the world to re-start your laugh, just take each day as it comes. Could you go back to work part time? Or even for shorter days? I think that would have helped me as well...hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Oh yeah- DH knows. It goes over our heads to be honest. She has serious foot in mouth disease and I feel sorry for her.

im speechless

It is amazing isnt it??!!

I wish i had the cheek and the swinging brick where my heart should be to get away with saying stuff like that. I commend her for being such an old boot but still managing to raise my gorgeous well-adjusted husband.

I applaud her.

at least you are in contact with your MIL mummy2olivia. mine is only after DH's money
she thinks we are goldminers/millionaire/moneystamper..whatever u call it.

She is actually a fantastic lady and has been very supportive about the MC. She is just very blunt. It used to upset me but it makes me and DH laugh now.

Bleeding has got very heavy now- passing some clots and have period pain. At 7 weeks how much bleeding can I expect? You wouldnt think there would be that much in there but I have had 2 days of heavy thick red clotty blood. I hate it- its a constant reminder.

Nandos- can you lend me a tenner?

If someone gave me a tenner now I'd spend it on always night time and feminine wipes.

lol lol lol

gonna watch a film now and eat chocolate to feel better. This thread has cheered me up no end today. love to you all x

speak tomorrow x

actually, i thought yesterday was quite heavy for me, but today it got much heavier and i took panadol for the pain..so its calmed down a bit now..the pain

Beakas, another one to add to your "what not to say list". From a couple of days ago....at least you can have fun trying again!

To be fair it was from a neighbour of a certain age who had stopped to offer me congratulations and was then totally thrown by me bursting into tears.