Am so sad and miserable...

[beakas]

Came out of hospital just over a week ago now after going for a scan at 16 weeks and finding no heart beat. First baby for us, we tried for so long and I just feel like my heart is going to break. Have had days where I think I'm fine but there seem to be pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE! and that just sets me off again...maybe I came back to work too soon, I don't know. Have also been told am being made redundant at end of June. Everyhing is going wrong. Have a fabulous husband who is being great, and lots of support from family but I still feel so alone.I just can't believe it happened so late..thought once I had got the first 12 weeks over with it would all be ok...

nandos, glad you're feeling better. It must've been awful not knowing what was going on...

Fingers crossed that we are all luckier next time round.

Hi everyone. As I write this I am sat at work where a guy who knows what happened to me (2 weeks ago today) and has said "Have you hear the good news? My daughters just given birth to a cracking little boy" he then went on to describe the birth, tell me what colour hair the baby had etc. and then looked at me for a response..want to lock myself in the toilet and sob. What is wrong with people? Do they expect us to just 'get over it' because it happened a couple of weeks ago now and is old news? Bizarrely the same man bought me in a bunch of flowers on my first day back to say how sorry he was. I just don't understand.
Nandos, I'm so sorry for your news. If I've learnt anything from this experience it's to keep those close to you even closer. Everyone deals with these things in different ways and maybe he just needed to get his head around everything, maybe he didn;t want for you to see him upset?
Sue, I'm so sorry about the twins, what a dreadful experience for you both.
Charliesmum, you have described to a T how I have been feeling. I just have this overwhelming sadness. I wake up each morning and for a split second everything seems ok and then I remember. I just hate feeling like this.

beakas - what an insensitive idiot. People just don't think before they speak do they. Mind you, unless he's been through a similar experience himself it must be impossible for him to understand what you're going through, but then that's no excuse for his behaviour.

I had to go to a&e on saturday with my little boy (who fell over and split his lip v nastily) and there was a lady with a newborn - I just started crying. It's like rubbing salt in the wound, and even though I'm lucky and have my DS I can't get the feeling that I've 'left behind' something I shouldn't have done out of my mind. Does that make sense?

I hope the guy who's made the blunder realises what he says. Bet he'll feel awful if he does.

Thinking of you x

charliesmum- u made me laugh that guy is REALLY an idiot.
beakas, dont worry abt him, no use being sad over that silly guy. n u know what..i know this might sound silly but i had a dream all of us we in the same preg thread together! hope that comes true soon

nandos - feel a bit excited re your dream... REALLY hope it comes true!!

charliesmum,
may i ask a few qns if u dont mind.. r u waiting for the miscarrriage to happen/is it happening or going for a d&c?
i am having a natural miscarriage now but dont know when it will finish..

nandos - I dont' mind at all. Last monday I was given the choice by my gynaecologist as to what to do - I chose to book in for a d&c on the thursday. I had already started bleeding though, which is how I found out something was wrong, and by the time I went in on Thursday it had got much heavier. I wasn't sure she'd have to do the d&c but she did anyway.

I did start a thread last week asking what I should expect, think you posted on it (?) so might be worth looking back at that as had a few people answer.

Is your bleeding quite heavy? I really hope you're not in too much pain....

If you can think of anything else then don't hesitate to ask.

oh gosh.. i just went to that thread and completely forgot i even posted anything over there.
most of them incl u had d&c, and ones which naturally miscarry had bleeding for a wk or 2..
i am just starting so its getting more n more heavier by the day, no clots yet but my tummy aches a lot n cramps once a while. still feeling bloated at night though..
im just really really scared of any surgery(never had that b4) and am really scared of blood tests n needles. even looking at my own blood it can make me weak n have vomiting,fainting symptoms
the last time i had blood test taken, the nurse changed it to a smaller syringe but my whole body went cold n i thought im waiting for the world to end..soo long
i think i got the phobia after seeing my mum suffering with a weak heart and going to hospital every month for a blood test after her surgery..

Hi nandos, sorry I didn't reply last night - I'm in Belgium and find that the hour time difference is a right pain!

Poor you re needles phobia. Am not surprised you don't want to have to go in for a d&c, but if it's any consolation the whole process was very simple and I only had to have one needle.

Your poor mum, is she okay?

Re my mc, my gynae said on the Thursday that a lot of 'it' had come out already, so that was three days after I started bleeding. I didn't ask her for any details as it was too upsetting. The bleeding is just coming to an end now, so I suppose if I hadn't have had the d&c then it would still be going for a while. I also had a very early mc in April 06, and I bled for 13 days if that's any help. That was v early though, I was only just over 4 weeks.

How are you feeling today?

Beakas - sorry for hijacking your thread How are you doing? What happened with that guy who was so very tactful yesterday Did he apologise? I do hope so...

By the way, I wanted to ask how your DH/DP's are dealing with this horrible situation that we find ourselves in? Mine seems to have conveniently 'forgotten' what's happened and is looking surprised every time he sees me looking sad. He did give me lots of support when it first happened and I know it must've been tough on him too, but it's almost like he's lost patience with me now. Any advice?

Charliesmum and Nandos thank you for your lovely comments - my thoughts are with you both.

Beakas - hope you're doing ok today. What a complete and utter plonker your colleague is! Somewhere in his miniscule excuse for a brain he has missed the point that you've not just 'had a miscarriage' - you have lost a child. You are absolutely correct to feel hurt and angry at his insensitivity.

It is still far too early to be able to deal with seeing pregnant women or even hearing about new born babies. My SIL is due her baby this month and my husband and I have barely been able to speak to her since we lost our DD in December. I write and text her regularly and luckily she is exceptionally understanding but the thought of the baby arriving soon fills me with sadness and dread.

I find though, if things do become overwhelming, a good sob in the toilets sometimes makes me feel a little bit better.

Take care.

charliesmum,
my mum is doing ok, need to have her pills for thinning her blood every single day for the rest of her life..feel sad for her though..
i am not feelin too good since i woke up at 6am. my tummy aches a lot and a bit of pain too. feels like vomiting sometimes ..sorry
i dont know how to answer abt dh/dp cos' my dh seems to ignore the whole matter altogether!
so what i did was to ignore him as well

nandos, sorry you're in pain. Do you have any painkillers you can take? Hope it eases up soon.

Not sure what to do re my dh - I know its probably coz he's upset too, so will just give him time. Men deal with things in different ways to us girls don't they

joanie, I can't believe how strong you're being. It must be difficult to even get through the day, let alone think about dealing with pregnant women etc. You are lucky to have such an understanding SIL, but surely with what you and your husband have been through she couldn't be anything other.

I am wishing you continued strength to deal with the birth of their baby, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

hi everyone..
i hope everyone's feeling better today.
i will be taking a rest today cos' feel a bit sick to type.
might see you guys in the evening when im better
take care

Hi all, just wanted to offer support & hugs to you all. I hope the pain physical/emotional is easing for you.

My comments were supposed to be helpful about how H/P deal with these events.

joanie it must be very hard with your SIL being pregnant. My neighbour was 3 months ahead of me with twins so i understand the feelings you are having. However it will be tough when every one is cooing over your SIL baby and i'm sure you will have many feelings at the time, especially and .

my friend was v understanding and i went to see her twins when they were a couple of weeks old (1 month after my loss). i held them and sobbed for my loss but i was also pleased for her and envious that hers had been born whilst i had nothing.

when your SIL baby arrives you will need even more support and i hope that you get it.(its usually found here)

beeeeeeeeeeeg hugs and support to you all

All the messages on here have been a real help to me. Two weeks on and it still hurts but knowing that we will get through it as others have done ("through it" but not "back to normal") helps.

Unfortunately I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow. Am still bleeding and showing a positive test (how depressing having to pay out money for a test to give me the bad news) so they will scan me and see if I need a ERPC (I had the medical versions two weeks ago).

Beakas, another big hug from me. I still cry every day and am taking another week off work. I need to be a hard nose bi*tch at work and bursting into tears when anyone is nice to me just won't work. Still haven't managed to see anyone other than DH and two close friends but have had lovely messages off people.

Nandos, keep on typing once you feel up to it, we are all here for you.

Charliesmum22, re your DH/DP, I think a lot of it is that they are upset but can be more rational/restrained/choose when to grieve as they don't have the hormones surging through them that we do which make us burst into tears and be completely unpredictable. Also, people seem to forget that it affected them as well. I know my DH has found that everyone asks him how I am, only a few people have asked how HE is. I am trying to ensure that I give him big hugs for no reason just so he knows I am thinking of him. I know he feels so helpless which also doesn't help.

hi sugr, glad to see u back
am feeling better after taking a long rest.tummy aches so bad today..
was just thinking that most of us might have gone through the physical pain but the emotional pain is still there a lot of my friends indirectly hinted at me that its not a baby that i lost cos' i lost it at 6wks but to me its my baby i know they dont understand cos' they never been thru' a mc b4 but im still a bit sad..
am i being silly to think its not a baby??

Hi nandos,
no your not silly, i think any positive preg result can be called a baby!!! How dare they say that to you, that is so insensitive of them.I still look at my scan of my precious baby and he/she was only 6weeks but i still feel i was attached! Takecare my lovely.
sueXXX.

i dont know sue..reading the msgs here still makes me cry maybe those who are prepared to try again should move to the conception thread ..i might join that thread as soon as i feel better emotionally.

Hi nandos, glad the pain's better... I agree with Sue, your baby was your baby and don't let anyone tell you different. Maybe that's their way of trying to process what's happening to you, but it's not helpful at all. They just don't understand.

Re conception thread, I have had a few peeks as it's made me feel a bit stronger thinking that there's hope for the future, but feel that it will be a while before I'm ready. What's just happened is such a big deal and I want to try to make myself as strong as possible before ttc again, just in case this happens again.

Sugr, good to see you back, and I hope you're doing okay. The thought of going back to work and resuming 'normal life' is quite daunting isn't it. Think it's a wise move to take more time... How's your husband doing? So sorry that you've got to go back to the hospital, it must be the last thing you need. Good luck.

Sue, thanks for your message - I reread your last post re dh and yes I think mine is shutting off to an extent. Had a chat with him tonight, and realised that we just feel very differently about what's happened - he's being very philosophical about it, whereas I feel torn apart. He's back into normal life, but for me it's impossible at the moment. I feel like I've left part of me at the hospital last week, and just can't seem to stop that awful sickening feeling. I really hope it does ease soon.

Hi guys, sorry for disappearing, just needed to sit in the corner and have a good sob. Feeling a bit better about things today.
Nandos, how are you feeling today honey? I have a huge needle phobia as well, but only had one for my op, into the side of my wrist. The anaesthetists knew I was bricking it, and did such a smashing job of trying to keep me talking, and I was so miserable anyway that I hardly noticed it, honestly. It was worse when they took it out, not through pain, just made my tummy go a bit wobbly.
If there's one thing Ive learnt through this its that some people just don't have any tact whatsoever. As far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter what stage of pregnancy you're at, to lose a baby (and in my mind that's what it is, no matter hopw many weeks/ months) is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to someone. I have been shocked by peoples reactions (both personally, and by what people have said to you lovely ladies as well) but I think we should just all be grateful that we have support and empathy from each other.
I hope that dream was true, and that we do all end up on the same ante natal thread, but not ready just yet. I am still bleeding from the op at the mo (sorry if tmi) but hoping that should stop soon and I can try and at least get my cycle back to normal, if nothing else. Has anyone else suffered from horrific constipation? I have really been struggling. Apparently its due to medication/hormones etc. but it is not nice!!
Ive been having nightmares too. DH woke me up in the early hours- I was shocked to find I had tears streaming down my face. Apparently I had been shouting and crying out. I feel guilty for admitting that he has been brilliant though. He doesn't tend to bring it up, but if I do he's there for a hug. I don't think he's told his mother yet but to be honest they're not close, so I'm just going to let him get on with it when he's ready.
Charliesmum- I know it sounds naughty but if he seems to have conveniently 'forgotten' maybe it's worth reminding him. I was talking to a male friend of mine who admitted he just wouldn't know how to react if it was his wife/partner, and would probably just try and 'get on with it' in the hope that it would go away.I did tell him that that wouldn't be helpful, but he said that he was a bloke, and blokes aren't always comfortable with talking about 'female stuff' Good god, get a grip. Men are allowed to wear moisturiser and shave their nether regions but can't talk about mc?I don't get it.I do feel the same in that I left a part of me at the hospital. I also keep wondering 'what if they made a mistake?' I did only have one scan, etc.to tell me there was no heartbeat, what if he was facing the wrong way?' guess that would explain the bad dreams...

good afternoon all ..
beakas, hope u are feeling better now. may i ask when did u do your d&c? i hope i dont need to go thru' that after my bleeding stops. am going to do a hpt after it stops to make sure i dont have any hcg left in my body.
the natural mc was tough on me cos' my tummy(sorry if this sounds like echo) hurts so bad that i am hunched back everytime i wash dishes,iron clothes etc. didnt imagine it would be quite painful. still having clots but its getting lesser by the day. yesterday might be the worst day of bleeding i can say.
u are so lucky your dh is very understanding sometimes i wonder why am i even hoping to have my dh's child..sorry if this sounds bad but i am a very emotional person n hes total opposite of me.
wished he could be more supporting, loving and say more gentle words rather than ignoring me even when im not having a mc..

just to add: i really envy women who said that they love their hubby very much and would love to have his kids.
i dont feel like that from the start of our marriage(5 yrs) maybe i should go to the marriage thread instead for some counselling

hi nandos, I had the op 2 weeks and 2 days ago (not that I'm counting...) Obviously it was a traumatic experience, but I have to admit the worst bit wasn't the operation, but the emotional circumstances surrounding the whole thing. I literally went from being 16 weeks pregnant one day, to finding out the baby had died the next, to having the op the next day..I just felt emotionally drained for days afterwards.They gave me a couple of tablets to 'insert' which were to open the cervix and some painkillers, and then about an hour or so later I had the drip put in and then went to sleep. I felt really groggy afterwards and did pass out, but to be honest I just wanted to get home, which we did, later on that afternoon. Nandos, if you have any questions about it please ask, no matter how daft/ weird/ embarrassing you think they may be, if I can help in any way I am here.
Have no pearls of wisdom ref your DH, I wish I did, maybe you hit the nail on the head when you said he's just not the emotional type.xxx

Beakas - have just read the last few posts and I am so sorry for your loss.

I have to go and do the school run but I am part of a MN thread called Eris' thread for bereaved mummies. It is an excellent support. It is not always sad - we have had times when plenty of and dot the posts. There are lovely girls on there who will be able to offer their support.

I dont know how to link you to it but I will hurry and put a message on then it will show in active conversations.

If you feel up to it have a read through the thread - hope to see you 'over there' where people can and will help.