28 and dying, struggling with anger.

[nobetterplace]

Hello,

I’m a mum of two little boys, I have a four year old and a one year old.

I’m 28 years old and I was diagnosed during my pregnancy with stage 3 ampullary cancer. I had surgery to remove the tumour but unfortunately the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and to my liver and it is terminal.

I have wonderful people around me, who are trying to make everyday special for me and support my boys but I am just so angry. I can’t find any acceptance or calm, I am so angry that this is happening and that I am completely powerless and cannot stay for my boys. No one can say once I’m gone that I’m finally at peace, peace is at home with my boys and I don’t want to die. It’s not a situation you think about until you’re in it but I feel like you expect sadness, grief, perhaps eventually acceptance but I feel this blind rage and desperation to fix something I can’t fix.

I don’t want to burden the people around me, at the end of the day soon I will be gone and they will be the ones picking up the pieces. It will make it a lot harder for them to move on from if they know how angry I am and not that I “am in a better place” like people say.

I want to soak up my children for every second I can but I find every second with them gut wrenching. I have so many things I need to do, I want to write them letters, I want to film videos for important occasions, I need to wean my littlest off the boob so he doesn’t just suddenly have to go cold turkey because I’m no longer alive. I just don’t know how because when I go to do these things I just feel this blind rage that I am having to do these things.

It’s a situation where I imagine the best people to give me advice are the ones who have been through it and who aren’t here anymore to share it. I don’t know if there are words of wisdom that can be given, but if anyone on this sub can somewhat relate even on behalf of a no longer here family member, I’m desperate for something.

So so sorry you are in this position. No one should have to face a situation like yours. It's so unfair. There are no easy answers but we are here to hold your hand. 🥲

What are your lovely boys called? Tell us more about them.

I think it's fair you are angry. I am so very, very sorry.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You’re so young. What a cruel cruel world 😞 I can’t give advice as I’ve never been through anything you’re going through. I can imagine your head is just plagued with everything. All I can say is, don’t put too much pressure on yourself OP. I can’t say enjoy your time because I don’t think anyone would be able in your situation. My heart breaks reading this ❤️

She wasn’t anywhere near as young as you are (I am so so so sorry you’re going through this) but we lost my MIL too soon in her 50s, and I remember her being very angry at times though I know she tried to hide it. She also tried to make light of it afterwards so as not to make everyone feel awkward. But I wish she hadn’t thought so much about us feeling awkward. If she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs with every swear word under the sun then that’s what she should have done.

Have you a Maggie's centre near you? I know every minute away from your boys seems a waste but an hour screaming into a cushion would actually help you a lot I think. You need to release some of your (completely rightful) anger in a safe space.

I’m not sure if some reading is your thing but I recommend The Bright Hour by Nina Rigg. A memoir of a young mother with terminal cancer. Are you having therapy? You absolutely need someone to talk to who aren’t your family.

I am so sorry you are in this position. Why is life so cruel and unfair. Your poor little boys too, who ultimately do not understand too 😞
It's understandable you are angry, however I would say that being angry isn't going to change your outcome, sadly, it's best to live what time you have left with happiness and love. Soak up every second. At any given moment, anyone one of us could die (accidents/sudden illness) and them people did not get the preparation time to say goodbye, write cards etc. Although given the choice of knowing or dying suddenly I'm not sure which I'd rather. It's so painful to even think about.

I cannot stand the thought of leaving my children without me. I don't know where I would even start. The thought of it makes me want to cry.

You are a wonderful Mummy and even though I don't know you, I wish you had more time.

I was going to say exactly what LaviniasBigBloomers said. It’s utterly shit that this is happening to you and you need somewhere that you can let that out.

I agree. If an hour away from them for therapy helps your time with them, it has to be worth it.

I am so sorry that you are faced with this- anger is a valid response, but not an ideal one for making the most of your time.

Much love to you and yours. Xxxx

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Life can be very cruel, and you are far too young to die.You are entirely right to be angry.

You have every right to feel anger and pain - I'm just so sorry you are having to deal with this. If I was your friend or family member I would really want you to feel able to express those feelings. I have lost a close family member to cancer who was older than you but still young, and we had some difficult conversations. It was painful but I am still glad to have done anything I could to help them and I would hate to feel they could not not freely talk about any emotions.
Sending you much love x

I haven't been in your situation, I'm sorry.

But I'd echo a pp; I don't think you should worry about what the people around you think. It's shit that you are dying. It's shit you're so young and it's crap and awful for your children that they won't get to grow up with their mum around.

I'm sure your family would understand if every now and again you cry, or scream, or just tell them how utterly crap life is for you.

And maybe if you did that, youd be able to process your feelings and emotions and come to terms with it all? Not that you should have to, it's awful. But I hope you understand what I mean.

Hi OP,

I'm so utterly sorry you're going through this. I don't know if my reply will be of any help, as I have found nothing anyone says will be of any help, really.

I've been diagnosed with an incurable / terminal cancer. I am thankfully stable for the minute, but I absolutely won't be forever. My diagnosis is always terminal. I have a little girl. I'm in my 20s too, a similar age to you. Sometimes just being alive is enough to drain the life of you sometimes and all we have is time. It's like a clock is constantly ticking in my head and as the days go along the tick tock gets louder.

My aim and the only thing that can bring me peace, is I am doing everything I can do be the best mum to my little girl. You are a wonderful mum to your little boys.

All I can say is life is soul destroying unfair. There's a lot of pressure to 'accept' or 'be at peace' - the only thing I will say is why.. why do you have to accept it or be at peace. If you want to be angry, be angry. Don't put any pressure on yourself to accept anything. You have a terminal cancer in your 20s with young children. Who the fuck would be at peace with that.

I don't have a lot more to offer or say, but if you want to PM or reach out, you are so welcome. I am so utterly sorry you're going through this. I found speaking to a councillor who deals with terminal illness somewhat helpful. You can access this free with Marie Curie.

All I will say is keep talking, keep going, and keep loving. That includes loving yourself.

Sending all my love and thoughts your way OP x

You are angry because it's just not fucking fair!!!
It is truly & utterly shite. You are struggling to make sense of something that is just so senseless.

I'm sorry 😞

I am not surprised you are angry OP, I'm angry for you and it just doesn't seem fair. If it helps, write on here the things you want to do, and keep us posted as you do them (videos, emails, photos, letters). Or just vent to us, we're here.

I'm so sorry you are facing this. Have you thought about building a teddy bear with a voice message from you for each DC. Something like Mummy will love you forever and ever. 💐

You have every right to be angry OP, I am angry for you, it's so unfair on you and your family.
If you want to be angry come and be angry here, maybe writing it down will help you.
Are you having any counselling? X

I'm so sorry. It's so unfair. You have every right to be angry x

I am so sorry op, no wonder you are angry.

It really isn’t fair, no one should be ever in your position. I agree if you want to be angry and shout and scream then do that. Don’t feel the need to please other people.

thinking of you and sending love xxx

sending you lots of love. You can talk to the samaritans any time you want. Their number is 116 123

Of course you are angry but it’s not a nice way to feel, have your doctors not offered therapy to help you cope? There should be a whole multidisciplinary team looking after you. There are also charities that can help, have you tried contacting MacMillan or Families in Grief or something similar? Best wishes

The Teddies with the voice recordings are a good idea. Make as many memories for your little boys as possible 💙

I am so so sorry you’re in this position. I work in a hospice and I’d strongly recommend getting in touch with your local hospice. I know it can feel like admitting defeat in a way but hospices are honestly such supportive positive places and they will have seen similar situations before. They’ll also probably have access to therapists for you and your children and potentially complementary therapies like massage that might be helpful for you.

What a horrendous situation to be in OP. I am so so sorry. Everything you feel is valid, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Set your affairs in order. Capture precious moments with your boys for them to look at in years to come. Plant a tree or rose bush in the garden that they can visit, nurture and watch grow and it will be 'Mum's tree'. Definitely stop BF - allow your body as much energy and strength for itself as possible.
Not sure how long you have, but your kids will know they are loved, and cared for. I totally get 'not wanting to burden people', but that is what families/friends are for, and if they are worth their salt, they won't think that.