28 and dying, struggling with anger.

[nobetterplace]

Hello,

I’m a mum of two little boys, I have a four year old and a one year old.

I’m 28 years old and I was diagnosed during my pregnancy with stage 3 ampullary cancer. I had surgery to remove the tumour but unfortunately the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and to my liver and it is terminal.

I have wonderful people around me, who are trying to make everyday special for me and support my boys but I am just so angry. I can’t find any acceptance or calm, I am so angry that this is happening and that I am completely powerless and cannot stay for my boys. No one can say once I’m gone that I’m finally at peace, peace is at home with my boys and I don’t want to die. It’s not a situation you think about until you’re in it but I feel like you expect sadness, grief, perhaps eventually acceptance but I feel this blind rage and desperation to fix something I can’t fix.

I don’t want to burden the people around me, at the end of the day soon I will be gone and they will be the ones picking up the pieces. It will make it a lot harder for them to move on from if they know how angry I am and not that I “am in a better place” like people say.

I want to soak up my children for every second I can but I find every second with them gut wrenching. I have so many things I need to do, I want to write them letters, I want to film videos for important occasions, I need to wean my littlest off the boob so he doesn’t just suddenly have to go cold turkey because I’m no longer alive. I just don’t know how because when I go to do these things I just feel this blind rage that I am having to do these things.

It’s a situation where I imagine the best people to give me advice are the ones who have been through it and who aren’t here anymore to share it. I don’t know if there are words of wisdom that can be given, but if anyone on this sub can somewhat relate even on behalf of a no longer here family member, I’m desperate for something.

Oh OP I could not read and run, I have recently lost my mother in totally different circumstances but the things that bring me peace as her child are as others have said -

Her handwriting in cards
Her voicemails
Videos of her
Recipes she wrote
Photos of just her and me
Photos of holidays / days out we shared together
Texts she sent me
Stories shared with loved ones about her
Calendars where she recorded life events on
Diaries that she wrote throughout the years
Clothes she wore
Perfume, make up and jewellery that she wore

If you can do just one or two of the above your children will forever know you and keep you in their hearts.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I think this is really beautiful.
I was the child in this situation, my beautiful mother died young.
It was a time before making videos was easy.
I would love to hear her voice again, that memory seems really hard to recreate.
I have found shopping lists and things with her writing on that I have saved and kept.
All these things will keep you alive in their memories. I would do anything to have something like these.

My mother died 30 years ago this year and I still miss her but as time passes I feel the gift of having had her as a mother.
Both the OP and this poster sound like beautiful mothers. It is very hard and wrong that this has happened to them.

Couldnt read and run.

Im so so sorry @nobetterplace . You are entirely allowed to feel every single emotion you are feeling. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness.
You must be feeling so alone and angry, I am so so sorry. Please reach out for any support/ therapy whatever you can.

Sending love. Just remembered this, might be interesting
https://www.bbc.com/news/business-66065050
https://www.elizabeth.org/

I can't read and not say something- it's proper fu*ked up: it's not fair. You have every right to rage.
My husband has a few memories of his mum (he was 6). He would have liked to have known her smells and can't remember her voice any more. He also has no idea about her favourite things and what made her tick.
I wish you as long as you're able with your boys.

Of course you are angry sweetheart, that is so staggeringly fucking unfair!! My heart goes out to you.

Can one of the cancer charities give you counselling/support or whatever? Not that anything can help you come to terms with that cruel diagnosis!

I know it's meaningless, but am sending you heartfelt good wishes. I hope you can get a decent amount of time to make memories with your boys.

You're only a little bit older than my eldest daughter. Lots of love xx

You have every right to be angry. Not just angry - beyond angry. Just mental, exasperated. I wish I could say something that helped in some way. I'm angry for you.

I am so so sorry OP. I've read this in tears. This is so grossly cruel and unfair. My heart is truly with you and your boys.

I have to say the anger that you feel is completely NORMAL and completely VALID. Who wouldn't be angry? Livid? It's FUCKING UNFAIR.

I am a psychotherapist so of course I think talking it out and having a place to dispel your thoughts and feelings will be helpful. I can understand not wanting to burden others even though they would want you to talk to them!

As you said focus on giving your boys the best memories ever. I love the idea of writing all the letters and recording all the videos you can. Love letters, anecdotes, memories, life lessons and advice. They will absolutely cherish these.

I am not sure if your hospital has signposted you to any local support groups?

I'm just so unbelievably sorry 💕

I am so very, very sorry to hear this op

So sorry OP, life is so cruel sometimes, and just so unfair, you have every right to feel angry xx

From a practical standpoint, all these things you 'need' to do, the memories to write and videos, photos, etc. That must feel like a huge huge task, and very overwhelming. It is easy to say you must do it, but wow it's difficult to know where to begin.

Could you ask a few people you trust to take ownership of a few different ways to do this, to help you get there and take some of the pressure off of you?
Birthday cards to buy and help you write up to 18, a person trusted to do this for each of your boys.
The big ones thereafter, special days and life events.
Someone to gather some special photos and videos, to make a book.
A list of questions to think about and answer, things you want to say, advice you want to give.

It might be something that mumsnet could help you with too, a little bit a day. The sorts of questions to answer, what we think might be important when and why.

No one can take your pain away but getting help from those you can to organise these memories for your boys might be something to focus on beyond loving and loving your boys in every second and moment. Your anger is warranted.

Could you also ask your loved ones to continue writing memories that pop into their heads for as long as they can, now and forever, about you as a child, teenager, woman, mother. Set up an email address and ask to start now, share this out. Your boys can access a wealth of love and memories from all those around you who know and love you too.

Sorry is such an inadequate word, but I am so sorry to read your post. You have every right to be angry, and how awful and mind-numbingly unfair this world can be. Let out your anger, do what you need to do, shout, scream, punch the pillows or duvet.

Miracles do sometimes happen and all I can say is I pray that one happens for you. I think others have said everything that should be said about making memories for your children. You will always be part of them, nothing and no one can change that, and as they grow older they will realise.

I’m so sorry, OP. My childhood friend had a lovely mum, who was always so kind and welcoming to me ,that died shortly after she gave birth to her youngest child. My friend was about 12 but his little sister was just a toddler.

They moved away a year before she died of cancer and this was before Facebook & mobiles etc so I’d lost contact and didn’t see it happening. So I just heard about it after she died, and I don’t know how they dealt with it in the immediate after math but I do know all the kids (now adults of course) seem happy and are thriving now.

OP I'm so sorry. Just in case it helps -

my mum lost her mum when she was 5. It had a massive impact on her, especially as her stepmother wasn't great.

Thing is, even though my mother only has a handful of memories of her mum, she treasures them, and I've no doubt that she learned all her best traits from her. You'll leave traces in your boys.

Her warmth, her generosity, her ability to believe in people despite her stepmother, that's all her mum. I am very grateful to this woman I've never met for having set my mother up yo be a good mother to me.

I second pps who say you need to vent the anger. Better to be away from your boys for a bit but then be able to focus when you're with them.

And don't be too scared to be angry around them - even if you startle the 4 year old, he'll understand anger and understand apologies. As for the baby, you can turn the air blue around him as long as you don't do it too loudly...

I'm so sorry. Your situation is heartbreaking and you have every right to feel absolute rage at the injustice of it all. I recently was diagnosed with a tumour and someone suggested the charity Mummy's Star to me, which is for mums who have cancer. I imagine they'd be well placed if you felt like speaking to someone.

No words of wisdom, just please remember that you will always have touched your childrens' lives with love and that they will be forever stronger for it.
Please allow yourself separate spaces - for making memory videos, writing letters for your family, or for screaming with rage - to anyone including family, friends or support services, or existing in a "normal space" even relishing the most mundane parts of everyday life such as being annoyed at mopping up a spilled cup of tea, enjoying a rainbow with the children or surviving a toddler tantrum! And please just remember that all of your feelings are valid.
Sending much love,
x
PS If you ever want to vent, please message me

You might also like to join this thread OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/life_limiting_illness/stage-iv-cancer-incurable-roll-up-roll-up-this-thread-is-for-you

As pp have said I'm really sorry your going through this, its natural to be extremely angry. It brought back my memories of having an illness at 28 and with 2 young children. I honestly thought it was serious and I wouldn't be around for my children. It turned out my tests came back normal although for months I was in denial and convinced it was my time. I felt angry and upset, also anxious. I was prescribed medication to help with the anxiety. I found writing actual letters to everyone I cared about really cathartic. The letters I wrote to my children and DH were the hardest but I managed. When I accepted my diagnosis was not as Doctors first expected I was still happy I wrote my letters. It made me feel far more settled knowing I was capable of this.
I hope the rest of your path is as comfortable as possible and filled with love.

@nobetterplace please come and join us on our thread. Lots of us are mums, some of us are a bit older than you but we are all stage 4 and a really supportive lot who really "get" what a head fuck this whole thing is and we are a safe space to talk and scream and sometimes the gallows humour takes over and we even manage to laugh. You can find us Here

I agree that you need to speak to someone outside your family and friends so you can express all the rage and bitterness freely.

Feel free to tell me to f off, as it will not be for everyone, but the people who really know a lot about talking to the dying and will have talked to many other people who feel exactly as you do are clergy. I don't know a single one who wouldn't have a sensitive pastoral talk with someone in your situation. Or there may be secular counsellors or psychologists who specialise in counselling before death.

I'm so sorry. I think as a mum of young kids its one of your worse fears leaving them before they 're grown up ( although statistically, it seems to make kids more successful. Maybe they get the importance of living the life they want ).

Its easy to feel alone with this but literally every single person reading this has no idea when its going to end but with no exemptions it will. You've been given the wake up call but you can guarantee everyone reading this thread is joining you so don't feel alone. Some of us will be there before you, whether we know it or not.

Trust yourself that you know what to do or say for your kids and do that. You'll always be their mum (there's bits of your actual DNA floating round inside them 🙂).

What more can be said? This is a very sobering. Even as someone who has lost a parent prematurely to cancer, I needed to read this and the accompanying posts.

Nothing most of us say on this thread matters really. But I wish your children a great deal of strength and protection in the coming years.

I don’t even know you but reading this is truly heartbreaking. For you, for your children and you friends and family. I am so so sorry. This is so unfair.

I’ll be keeping you close in my thoughts. Therapy seems like a good idea if you can afford it but perhaps there are support groups online or in person with other parents going through what you are going through.