28 and dying, struggling with anger.

[nobetterplace]

Hello,

I’m a mum of two little boys, I have a four year old and a one year old.

I’m 28 years old and I was diagnosed during my pregnancy with stage 3 ampullary cancer. I had surgery to remove the tumour but unfortunately the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and to my liver and it is terminal.

I have wonderful people around me, who are trying to make everyday special for me and support my boys but I am just so angry. I can’t find any acceptance or calm, I am so angry that this is happening and that I am completely powerless and cannot stay for my boys. No one can say once I’m gone that I’m finally at peace, peace is at home with my boys and I don’t want to die. It’s not a situation you think about until you’re in it but I feel like you expect sadness, grief, perhaps eventually acceptance but I feel this blind rage and desperation to fix something I can’t fix.

I don’t want to burden the people around me, at the end of the day soon I will be gone and they will be the ones picking up the pieces. It will make it a lot harder for them to move on from if they know how angry I am and not that I “am in a better place” like people say.

I want to soak up my children for every second I can but I find every second with them gut wrenching. I have so many things I need to do, I want to write them letters, I want to film videos for important occasions, I need to wean my littlest off the boob so he doesn’t just suddenly have to go cold turkey because I’m no longer alive. I just don’t know how because when I go to do these things I just feel this blind rage that I am having to do these things.

It’s a situation where I imagine the best people to give me advice are the ones who have been through it and who aren’t here anymore to share it. I don’t know if there are words of wisdom that can be given, but if anyone on this sub can somewhat relate even on behalf of a no longer here family member, I’m desperate for something.

I'm very sorry, OP. I wish it were in my power to change this for you.

Just awful, I am so sorry. I think I would feel exactly the same as you and I think it’s a very normal reaction❤️

For what it's worth, my mum lived with a terminal diagnosis for two years, and they were possibly the happiest two years of her life. After the shock and the anger, there can be peace and acceptance.

I’m so sorry, like everyone else has said, we’re here for you even if all we can do is offer a hand hold

anger IS absolutely valid, and it’s totally understandable and normal to feel it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If I was your friend I'd be very willing to help you do the practical things you mentioned- the letters, videos etc for your sons.
Maybe getting some of that sorted would clear your mind of the burden and help you make the most of the time you have together?
Another practical thing might be to enrol your 4 yo in school but speak to the school and see if he could either start late or just do eg. 3 days a week so you can spend time together? Also ask friends, family, gofundme etc to help sort other practical stuff like cleaning washing ironing?

I'm so so sorry. I have nothing to say, really, except I'd be angry too. Why wouldn't you be?

I understand the need to maintain calm around your LOs and family in order not to scare and upset them. But when you need to, let your anger out.

There is a lot of pressure on people with terminal disease to feel gratitude and optimism. But if ever there were a time in your life you're allowed to feel angry, this is it.

I hope you do find some peace though.

I am so sorry. It’s so unfair. It’s every parents worst nightmare to have to leave their children.

I totally understand your anger and sadness.

Your boys will know how much you loved them. Spend time with them and enjoy as many moments as you can. Thinking of you.

This is an outrageous situation. It shouldn't have happened to you and I'm very sorry to hear of it.

Dr Irene Kassorla, years ago, suggested addressing anger by building a pile of pillows and punching the fuck out of them, whilst telling them - aloud - exactly what you think.

Keep in touch on mn, if it works for you. There are some really nice people here, as well as the others!

I am so so sorry OP. For you and your children. I have no idea how you come to terms with this while also trying to make memories and enjoy your time with your children. Perhaps peace will come, I pray it does for you.
I imagine it is 'normal' to feel anger, do you have anyone who you can talk openly and honestly to?

What about writing it down? Write every hurtful, hateful, sad and angry thought down that you daren't say out loud.
I'm sorry if my advice is naff or insensitive in anyway.

Understandably so, life is truly unfair, for what it’s worth, the anger is perfectly normal, so difficult for it not to be all consuming, try to make memories with the kids, for them and you and use the likes of Marie Curie and MacMillan, they are good

If you have a local Macmillan or maggies centre, drop it. We have both at the hospital where I work and you would be very welcome. Also does you oncology department have connections with the clinical psychology at the hospital. They will be able to speak with you x

I am so so sorry. Anger seems like a logical response here. It is so horribly unfair. I really feel for you and your little ones. I hope you have wonderful people around you who can shower them with love xxxxx

I'm angry for you OP. That is not fucking fair at all. 'Sorry' doesn't cut it.

There are a couple brilliant groups on here which will offer you fantastic support and a huge amount of advice and information.

One is for people living with cancer and there's another one for people with stage 4.

They're not under general health then cancer.

Please please post on there as they are a fantastic bunch of all ages and many young mums too and will really help. It's a terrific wee community.

@nobetterplace I am so very sorry that this is happening to you and your babies. The rest of your family, too.

When we question heartbreaking situations like yours, we are told "Life is unfair." as though that makes it okay. It's not. Nothing about what's happening to you is fair or okay.

You've expressed some of your anger to us. I hope that helped, at least a little. And you should continue to express it. Internalizing rage is hurting you so much- it won't stop the anger but sharing it may give you a little extra strength and support to cope.

Please don't worry so much about other's feelings; no one should think less of you if you tell them how you really feel. If it were one of my girls, I would hope she'd feel safe enough to share the anger, to give up control for a little while. I'd want to comfort her, even if all I could do was hold her while she raged or cried. It would break my heart to know she was trying to deal with it all alone.

Again, I'm so very sorry. I don't know how you feel about prayer right now, but I want to pray for you to find a safe way to deal with the overwhelming anger; you've been given some promising options today. I want to pray that those (very justified) emotions lose their power to hurt you so much. That you are able to make your time with your DC as happy and comforting as possible. Anyone can tell how much you love them; even through the heartbreak, I hope and pray that you still find pockets of joy to share with them. I hope that's okay.

Sorry not sure how to edit!! That should say that they ARE under general health heading 🥴

OP, my wonderful friend died of cancer nearly 2 years ago, leaving her 3 gorgeous children alone as their dad had died a year before. I'm so, so sorry for what is happening to you, and I completely recognise your anger as my friend was also furious. What I really, really wish is that she'd been able to tell me how angry she was, because I would gladly have taken that if it would have helped even one tiny bit. But she tried to put on a brave face even when the last hope had been extinguished. Be honest with the people who love you, because no-one expects you to be at peace. You don't owe them anything xxxx

I'm so sorry OP. Please don't worry about burdening those around you. I lost a younger sibling recently after a terminal diagnosis, nothing they asked of me was too much or too hard, I just wanted to be there for them in any way I could.

You are being entirely reasonable to feel anger and rage and frustration. Remember anger always stems from a level of fear, so given you are facing something entirely unknown for you and your loved ones it makes a lot of sense that your level of anger is very strong. I would gently encourage you to share with someone in your life- can be a GP, a nurse, or a counsellor- and let them give you that space you deserve to let it all out. And let it out for as long and as often as you need to. Your feelings are entirely justified. Love.

Have you seen Forever In A Bear? It's a beautiful memory bear to make together with your loved ones and might help to know you've helped to make it.

I am so so sorry… so unfair. You are probably tired of hearing this already.

if may i suggest something, my friend’s family member was in the same situation. In her 30s and two young children. Before she died she found a psychologist/ psychiatrist for her children. someone she was comfortable with. I think this sounds like a reasonable proactive idea☹️

You need to feel and express your anger OP. You need to put yourself first and stop hiding your feelings to make other people happy. You are important and your feelings matter and your anger is absolutely justified.

I suggest a hospice with a Christian chaplain involved

Sending love and strength to you x

Do you have the support of a charity for terminally ill people? Memory boxes are a lot of work when you're struggling with emotions of this size.

Fwiw, I think anger is completely appropriate. It's a fcking sht situation.