28 and dying, struggling with anger.

[nobetterplace]

Hello,

I’m a mum of two little boys, I have a four year old and a one year old.

I’m 28 years old and I was diagnosed during my pregnancy with stage 3 ampullary cancer. I had surgery to remove the tumour but unfortunately the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and to my liver and it is terminal.

I have wonderful people around me, who are trying to make everyday special for me and support my boys but I am just so angry. I can’t find any acceptance or calm, I am so angry that this is happening and that I am completely powerless and cannot stay for my boys. No one can say once I’m gone that I’m finally at peace, peace is at home with my boys and I don’t want to die. It’s not a situation you think about until you’re in it but I feel like you expect sadness, grief, perhaps eventually acceptance but I feel this blind rage and desperation to fix something I can’t fix.

I don’t want to burden the people around me, at the end of the day soon I will be gone and they will be the ones picking up the pieces. It will make it a lot harder for them to move on from if they know how angry I am and not that I “am in a better place” like people say.

I want to soak up my children for every second I can but I find every second with them gut wrenching. I have so many things I need to do, I want to write them letters, I want to film videos for important occasions, I need to wean my littlest off the boob so he doesn’t just suddenly have to go cold turkey because I’m no longer alive. I just don’t know how because when I go to do these things I just feel this blind rage that I am having to do these things.

It’s a situation where I imagine the best people to give me advice are the ones who have been through it and who aren’t here anymore to share it. I don’t know if there are words of wisdom that can be given, but if anyone on this sub can somewhat relate even on behalf of a no longer here family member, I’m desperate for something.

As someone who lost a parent as a very young child, this would have meant the world. Having this to tap into when she just wonders what mum would think or needs to feel connected will make such a difference to your DD.

That's why I thought of the build a teddy with special voice message. When my Mum died I had an answerphone message from her wishing me all lovely things in life and a Happy Birthday. I knew it was on my answerphone but one day one of my then teens delayed it by accident. They didn't know I played it to myself on my birthday every single year. I wish I'd backed it up. I was distraught when I went to play it one year and it was gone.

Can you write a letter to the universe (or even your boys) telling them how angry you are and how unfair it is. In my head it starts a bit like this "my darling boys. I think I am expected to be at peace with my diagnosis but I can't be at peace with it. I am so angry that I have to leave you..."

Don't feel you have to pretend. All they need to know is that you love them fiercely and completely. You don't owe anyone anything else.

I’m so sorry OP, my heart aches reading your story!
I lost my mum at 8, but she was in hospital from when I was 5- sadly given the era I don’t have videos I can’t hear her voice and no one really made provisions for us (my sister and I) to remember her. Film things, write those letters, write ones for them, write ones for how you’re feeling. Make sure those around you know how to support your children- because honestly I don’t think I was well enough supported. I’m so sorry and I can’t imagine making peace with such awful unfair news.

I'm so sorry. Anger is entirely appropriate and understandable, how awful and unfair on you and your boys. By all means rage against the world, it hasn't dealt you a fair hand.

My dad's mum died when he was very young, and he didn't really remember her. If you can bring yourself to do it, maybe write down some of your favourite stories - funny things that happened when you were little, or that happened with them. When they're older they'll likely love to read things in your own voice, and your own thoughts. It doesn't need to all be the big things, or advice. Just a slice of your personality.

But more than anything, I'm so sorry.

What a wonderful thing to do. I lost my mum at age 4, and I have some letters from her, but the emails or messages you describe would mean the world to me. I feel it much more keenly since becoming a mother myself - I think a lot about what my mum would have done in these situations. Feeling like I could tap into her wisdom would be such a precious gift.

I am so sorry. Sending lovd

@nobetterplace & @itsjustturbulance
Absolutely heartbreaking. I don't have any words of wisdom for either of you but I'm so very sorry.

I’m so sorry to hear this. xxx

Do lean in your loved ones, I’m absolutely sure they would be more than happy to help you in every way they can, it will be the last time they get a chance to be there for you and will want to do everything that they possibly can, your loved ones would want you to lean on them and it is perfectly understandable that you are angry…..I would also be very angry and depressed about this situation, let people help you to ease the burden and I think it will also help your ( possibly also very distressed) loved ones feel like they are of some use at this time as they might also feel a bit useless and not know what to do or how to be of some comfort

@OnePeachHedgehog
It seems you’ve replied on the wrong post

Dear OP,

I am so utterly, utterly sorry you are in this terrible situation. I was diagnosed.with cancer 5 years ago when my DD was 12 and the thing I remember most was the breathtaking, heart-rending terror at the thought of leaving her. I am fortunate to be in a different place to you as I was cured but I hope what I can share might help.
Firstly being so angry that you cannot describe it, so angry you feel cannot express it, feeling anger and rage deep into the centre of your being that feels like it could explode and destroy you is OK. It's an absolutely understandable response to a truly awful situation.

Secondly, it is NOT FAIR and people who spout platitudes about fighting, battles and peace and acceptance probably do deserve a punch as a PP mentioned upthread.

Two things that really jumped out at me in your OP was that you don't want to be a burden and your rage is making it more difficult to be WITH your boys and is stealing your energy to do other things that are important and meaningful for you.

You have been handed an enormous burden, an unbearable weight, that no one, absolutely no one, can bear alone. You told us that you have great family support and they are helping with some things but you can't share this with them. That is OK, I understand that but you do need someone who can help hold that rage for you. Who can listen to you expressing your horrible burden and keep it safe for you until you feel ready (if you ever do) to talk/shout/scream about it some more. There are some wonderful organisations, some of which have been mentioned upthread, that can help with access to counselling or other talking therapies and others that support children and families faced with the loss of a parent. You can access them through your clinical team or your local hospice.

Sometimes people who are weighed down with the burden that you are carrying are scared to talk because they are scared if they express their grief and anger, that they will lose the tenuous control they feel they have on it right now and will fall apart. What many find is that having someone to hold it for them for a while helps and they can then use that energy for things that are meaningful to them.

Thinking of you and your boys xx

Life is fucking unfair. The same happened to my family member at 31. She had two little boys, similar ages to yours. We made the most of the time with her. She had two years in the end . She read stories and they snuggled . Sometimes we partied and laughed. She went into a hospice for rest and quiet when she needed then came home at the end. Still remember it so clearly 14 years later.

Do what you need to do ! Feel how you need to feel. Say what you want to say! Sending all my love to you and your family. Xxx

@nobetterplace

Really sorry you have been dealt such a shit card in life

Make sure you get as much support as possible
I agree with @Mariposistaaa good post...

I am sorry you are facing this. Anger is a valid and understandable emotion. Can you access a Maggie's centre or macmillan to get someone to talk to? I wish you the very best and hope you are able to find some peace. X

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. My heart aches for you and your boys.
A friend of mine was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given a year or so to live. What made him angriest was knowing he would miss out on his daughters growing up.
He used the last part of his life to put together a sort of book for his 7 yr old and 9 yr old. Full of little bits of fatherly advice, poems. Pictures. Drawings. Anything and everything he felt he might show them his personality.
He also made sure they had family times, good memories and trips together. But this is so hard as you have a little babe.
I totally understand that having to get ready to leave them is making you rage. You are right to be angry. It's bloody unfair.
There is nothing to say to make this 'right'. Once again, I am so very sorry. 🌹

Have you been more or less holding it together so far, for the sake of everyone else? Occasional tears, but pulling yourself together and getting on with things?

Would it help to book a time/place to absolutely rage and storm? Wish there a resilient friend or family member you could spend a couple of hours with, preferably in the middle of nowhere, and scream, shout, roar, hit things? I think I would need that if I were you. Then I’d sob. Then I’d go for hot chocolate and cake and a hot bath.

You may need to do it in stages because of the breast feeding.

I am so sorry, i have lost two friends in the last year who had terminal cancer, and that diagnosis is just not fair for you- for anyone , but especially someone as young as you with such a young family, and all i can say is i understand that you are angry, who wouldn't be angry with such a loss of control over the future, well-being of you little family members, being forced into leaving unfinished business. I don't think anyone should accept that and you keep fighting in whatever way you have to , but do not be afraid of speaking to those you love, your loss will be huge to them anyway this is not adding to that or being a burden to your family, you are not alone and they need to listen to your anger.

Oh my goodness I am unbelievably sorry- I don’t know how to delete it

I’m not sure.
Can you edit to remove pic and just leave another comment maybe?

I

I’ve reported it- it won’t let me edit.

I am so so sorry for you and your little boy's 😢 I hope you have real life support and use this for anonymous support when it's needed too 💔

I think anger is an entirely understandable and appropriate response. The problem is that it is not the best response for your quality of life. Is there anyone where you can safely vent and express that anger? Preferably someone qualified! Do you have a Macmillan nurse or a consultant who could refer you to a service to enable you to voice that anger and not respond with platitudes?

I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through. I can’t even imagine getting that news and would feel just the same as you, especially whilst children are so young.

Make as many memories as you can with/for your boys. Record lots of videos. Take lots of photos. Letters. Blankets with pictures. Anything for them to treasure.

Therapy to help come to terms with things, but don’t be afraid to tell your closest family how you’re feeling. Scream, cry, sob into their arms.

My heart goes out to you OP, my partner died from cancer last year and we have youngish kids. The Ruth Strauss Foundation offered us amazing support which helped us navigate the challenges and emotions as best we could as a family. https://ruthstraussfoundation.com/info-and-support/support/
Feel free to DM me if that would be helpful.