28 and dying, struggling with anger.

[nobetterplace]

Hello,

I’m a mum of two little boys, I have a four year old and a one year old.

I’m 28 years old and I was diagnosed during my pregnancy with stage 3 ampullary cancer. I had surgery to remove the tumour but unfortunately the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and to my liver and it is terminal.

I have wonderful people around me, who are trying to make everyday special for me and support my boys but I am just so angry. I can’t find any acceptance or calm, I am so angry that this is happening and that I am completely powerless and cannot stay for my boys. No one can say once I’m gone that I’m finally at peace, peace is at home with my boys and I don’t want to die. It’s not a situation you think about until you’re in it but I feel like you expect sadness, grief, perhaps eventually acceptance but I feel this blind rage and desperation to fix something I can’t fix.

I don’t want to burden the people around me, at the end of the day soon I will be gone and they will be the ones picking up the pieces. It will make it a lot harder for them to move on from if they know how angry I am and not that I “am in a better place” like people say.

I want to soak up my children for every second I can but I find every second with them gut wrenching. I have so many things I need to do, I want to write them letters, I want to film videos for important occasions, I need to wean my littlest off the boob so he doesn’t just suddenly have to go cold turkey because I’m no longer alive. I just don’t know how because when I go to do these things I just feel this blind rage that I am having to do these things.

It’s a situation where I imagine the best people to give me advice are the ones who have been through it and who aren’t here anymore to share it. I don’t know if there are words of wisdom that can be given, but if anyone on this sub can somewhat relate even on behalf of a no longer here family member, I’m desperate for something.

God, this is just so utterly unfair. You have every right to be absolutely livid 😔 I hope you have as long as possible with your lovely boys. I follow someone on Instagram with two young kids who is in a similar situation and she’s very angry about it all too. She posted a thing the other day saying a mum’s biggest fear isn’t dying before her kids, it’s knowing that no one else loves them like you do 😢

I think I would try to channel as much of it as you can as love into the nice plans you have for the kids’ notes/videos etc. Absolutely ridiculous that you have to do that at your age but it is one thing you have full control of and they will really relish every second of them as they grow I’m sure ❤️

Life is fucking bullshit sometimes. I wish there were something practical we could do for you op. Here if I can help in any way whatsoever

I understand your anger Op, we all think we will live to old age and suddenly not only are you dying far, far too young but you will leave such young DC behind, you must be raging against the unfairness of it all. I'm so, so sorry for you all x

I’m so very sorry.
Like others I hope you can share your anger with someone in your life.
When we lost my mum at 54 I think she protected us all a lot. I was an adult, and while I’m in awe of her bravery I also wish I’d been mature enough to give her permission to be angry, and to share a bit more of what she had to go through. Maybe someone in your life will see it as a privilege to get close enough to be there for you in your anger, or if that’s just not what you want I hope someone external can offer you that.
It’s absolutely enraging that you have so little time with your children.
I do believe that all of the love you are giving them and have given them all makes them stronger. None of it gets lost.

Something you might have already done that I was planning to do for my son that I’ve just thought of..

A baby book or book of their life really with pictures and just note in any random things that happened, funny things they say, things they like to do etc. They change so quickly and I so wish I’d done it from the start (kind of always in case something happened to me so they could hear me through it all).

Just a silly thing but it’s something as an older child or adult I’m sure you’d love to have from your mum

Fucking hell @nobetterplace - I'm so fucking sorry that this is happening to you.

No real words of wisdom except to say that I'm sorry. I lost a friend in her thirties who had two young kids- 6 and 1 at the time. As the years have gone on they've really appreciated the letters and diaries that their mum left them, so perhaps you can try and push some of that anger into something constructive and writing some stuff for them in the future? But I don't even know if it's possible to harness that anger into anything constructive.

I'm so, so sorry.

I would feel tucking angry. I feel rage for you right now. How bloody unfair.

please don’t feel like you have to protect your adult family from your true emotions

Your anger is a valid response OP. I’d feel the same. Don’t add to your pain by being hard on yourself for being angry. We are here for you. Talk as much as you need to xx

My DD26 lost her Dad when she was 10 in awful circumstances (for her as well as him) She told me the other day she can't quite remember his voice (it was16 years ago so nowhere near as much video as now).

Do the recordings for them.

I'm angry for you too.

I lost my dad to cancer aged 4, my sibling was 2, and I have worked with children who have also lost parents and know others who lost parents as children. My dad had 8 weeks from diagnosis to passing.

The fact that you existed at all is/will be the most important thing. The best thing. Be sad, yes. But be happy- happier even - that the kids are happy in all the wonders that kids find things to be happy in. Like the Maya Angelou quote; it’s how you make someone feel. No one can take that away. It lasts a lifetime. All the little moments of light that you get with them shine brighter than the memories of saying goodbye.

Playing horsey/funny voices to inanimate objects/lying on the floor when he could barely move to roll a car on the ground with us. That’s what I’ve got and that keeps me going. If your kids have more then they are very fortunate and I am jealous!

Let it all out; friends, family, nhs staff/ hospice staff/ therapist.

Tackle your fears head on; running out of time to say & do everything?

Voice notes over writing letters.
Playing with toys in the house over long car journeys.
Picnic dinners inside instead of waiting for a sunny day.

Go through as much of the grief process as you can. Make it a focus so you can get through it faster so you can get back to enjoying those moments with your kids and <feel> again.

• denial.
• anger.
• bargaining.
• depression.
• acceptance.

Be kind to yourself.

Investing in yourself is investing in others; your boys and their bright futures.

You count as much as your boys. Keep conversing with as many people as possible.

Oh gosh @nobetterplace I am so sorry. 💐 Be as angry as you want, it's awful. Hold your little ones tight.

What about letters or cards for them as they get older? Even if it's just for one they're 18 and you can be brutally honest with them about how you feel now and that you didn't want to leave them? ❤️

I'm so, so sorry, OP.

Your beautiful boys will still have your love with them after you've gone.
Life is outrageously unfair sometimes.

I'm so sorry OP. My friend's sister died ymwhen her twin boys were 5. She wrote this blog and a book. I hope there may he something helpful in there. You have every right to be angry, and you probably need to feel all this rage before you'll ne able to feel anytbing else. Sending so much love. https://kateelizabethgross.wordpress.com/

Sending a massive hug. Your anger is rightfully placed, it’s shit beyond measure 💓

My close family friend, basically a sister, died age 34 after being diagnosed with liver cancer during her second pregnancy. Baby had to be delivered at 28 weeks because her tumour was pressing on the baby and causing serious problems for both of them. Like you she was devastated and angry. She was most upset at the thought that her children (she also had a 2yo) wouldn't remember her. She found some small measure of comfort in making videos for them about her, filming their time together, and making memories. There's no denying for her though that she never found any peace or comfort in the idea of death, only a relentless focus on getting through another day with her children helped. Don't feel you have to be strong for your loved ones, their hearts will be broken by losing you no matter what. Focus on yourself and your children. I'm so, so sorry.

Bloody hell, no wonder you're angry. It's totally unfair and it's not right.

Rage. Find a place you can go, out in the wilds, up a hilll or something, and maybe someone you can go with far away just for an hour, and rage and scream and shout and let yourself feel it all.

Oh god OP, I’m so sorry and you are right it’s not fucking fair at all, it’s really not 💐

I’m so so sorry that you, and all your loved ones are going through this.
you are a lot younger, but my mum passed 2 years ago due to cancer. She was terminal but we were never told (not even my mum), and we found out after she passed.
although she didn’t know she was terminal, she was scared of dying during her diagnoses and treatment, and she tried to be strong for the family.
honestly, I think it would have been better for her to have spoken her mind to us and given us the opportunity to express our anger, sadness and despair together…
a option that might help also is to write a letter. It doesn’t have to be to anyone in particular and it doesn’t matter if you ramble or go off on tangents - just some way of getting all your thoughts and feelings out. It helps sometimes to organise those thoughts and feelings, just by pouring them onto a page.

Life is so unfair, you have every right to be angry. There is a wonderful charity called mummy’s star. They are there for women who are diagnosed with cancer either during pregnancy or the first year post-partum. Please consider reaching out to them for support. I’ve personally had great support following a cancer diagnosis when my DS was 3 weeks old, and many other mums have too. We have an online support group and there is an extra support group for mums in your position too.

I also want to say, OP, that we all have to work out our own thoughts on these matters. I hope this isn't overstepping, but this is my view:

You are integrally part of your children, and they part of you. You always, always will be. None of you will ever be apart. It's not physically possible, there is nowhere to go, and no way of not being together.

You will always be together. Always. Inseparably together.

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well"

I'm so sorry. There are no words.

Oh OP I'm absolutely so sorry for you and your sweet children.
I can't imagine the absolute rage you feel. It's brought tears to my eyes.
I wanted to say that you're feelings are valid.
Its absolutely shit and I wish you find some peace with all my heart.

What a horrible situation. Definitely use this post to talk about the practical stuff about what you want or need to do if you want. I'm sure there are a lot of people here who might not have gone through it (like you say how could they?) but who have some practical suggestions x

@nobetterplace I am so sorry and I completely understand your anger. I also have cancer, but I am older than you and may have longer than you. Still life limiting though.

I have started writing a journal, in fact I'm on book 2 now. This could help you perhaps? Either to write down the equivalent of screaming - to be destroyed when they're not needed any more, or as a way of talking to your boys when you can't do that any more, or even both? If both, then colour code them so that the ones you want kept are all one colour, and those you want destroyed are another.

I have chosen nice notebooks with soft leather covers, and my favourite gel pens, and I just write when I feel like it. Sometimes in the middle of the night if I can't sleep I write. I can write things I don't want to say to my husband - I don't want him to worry or to be hurt by what I'm thinking. I want to vent my anger. Sometimes I just want to make plans, for myself or for afterwards. Sometimes I just want to write down my joy at having had a lovely day.

One of the things that makes me angry is being told how 'brave' I am, and how much people admire me. I am not brave at all - I am not choosing 'brave' actions - I have little choice about what is happening to me or how to deal with it. I am angry.

I am having counselling through a local cancer charity and that is helping me as well. I can talk about whatever I want and somebody has to listen to me. Quite a novelty actually!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Unless you've been told to wean your baby because it is essential for you I personally wouldn't. Babies change so quickly and your baby may self wean whilst you're still here so it would be a shame to deprive yourself of something you both cherish unnecessarily.

I hope you have some outlet for your anger such as hospice psychologist...you can usually self refer from the point at which your cancer is incurable, even if you may be here for years to come. It is ok to feel rage. Acceptable isn't something you can switch on.