28 and dying, struggling with anger.

[nobetterplace]

Hello,

I’m a mum of two little boys, I have a four year old and a one year old.

I’m 28 years old and I was diagnosed during my pregnancy with stage 3 ampullary cancer. I had surgery to remove the tumour but unfortunately the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and to my liver and it is terminal.

I have wonderful people around me, who are trying to make everyday special for me and support my boys but I am just so angry. I can’t find any acceptance or calm, I am so angry that this is happening and that I am completely powerless and cannot stay for my boys. No one can say once I’m gone that I’m finally at peace, peace is at home with my boys and I don’t want to die. It’s not a situation you think about until you’re in it but I feel like you expect sadness, grief, perhaps eventually acceptance but I feel this blind rage and desperation to fix something I can’t fix.

I don’t want to burden the people around me, at the end of the day soon I will be gone and they will be the ones picking up the pieces. It will make it a lot harder for them to move on from if they know how angry I am and not that I “am in a better place” like people say.

I want to soak up my children for every second I can but I find every second with them gut wrenching. I have so many things I need to do, I want to write them letters, I want to film videos for important occasions, I need to wean my littlest off the boob so he doesn’t just suddenly have to go cold turkey because I’m no longer alive. I just don’t know how because when I go to do these things I just feel this blind rage that I am having to do these things.

It’s a situation where I imagine the best people to give me advice are the ones who have been through it and who aren’t here anymore to share it. I don’t know if there are words of wisdom that can be given, but if anyone on this sub can somewhat relate even on behalf of a no longer here family member, I’m desperate for something.

@nobetterplace So so sorry to read this. Totally understandable that you are so angry. My sister was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at age 36 ( so older than you and she had no children). She too, was very, very angry. Who wouldn't be?

As others have said, you need to be able to talk ( and rant, or cry or whatever you feel like doing) things through with others, not in your family. Have you had referrals to elsewhere? Like Maggie's centre or MacMillan, or other places that I'm not aware of?

Sending love and hugs xx

I am angry for you my love. So bloody unfair. Rage rage against the dying of the light. X

"Do not go gentle into that good night"
Is a poem by Dylan Thomas, it is really about a father, an old man coming to the end of his life, But I think you might find help within it.
Rage against the dying of the light.
Rage and be angry you and your loved ones together. You cannot change what is inevitable. It is not a winnable battle. But do not turn your face to the wall and quietly submit.

I'm so sorry to read this and I'm angry for you!!! Here to hold your hand x

I'm so sorry, this is awful. You have every right to be angry. Life has dealt you a shitty hand. Are you getting some counselling?

Oh god, I'm so sorry, OP. I would be bloody raging in your circumstances too. I don't have advice but is there a counsellor or similar that you could speak to so that you at least have an outlet? Feel free to vent your rage on here as much as you need to.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Cancer is utterly fucking shit and it is so, so unfair.

A relative of mine died before Christmas & felt exactly like you. You have a right to be angry.

She rejected palliative support from the hospice for quiet some time understandably as she felt it was too early but eventually reached out for counselling & support when the time was right for her.

What she found most helpful wasn't actually the counselling itself but talking to others in the same position as she found they understood her better than anyone else possible could. She felt she was no longer the only one who "truely go it". Maybe you could see if you hospice have an similar group sessions.

I am so sorry to read this. I totally understand your anger. I’m angry on your behalf. It’s not fair

Would you consider some type of arts therapy - art therapy or music therapy - it might give you an opportunity to have a safe space where you can allow an expression of that anger and a way of working through it away from your family but a way to process all of this - which sounds overwhelming

sending love

Oh my love, that is so so unfair, I'm not surprised you're furious and hurting.

We lost my sister when her kids were a bit older, 4 and 8. It is absolutely brutal on everyone and like you, I think she put a very brave face on to protect the kids and us all.

Who is your kids support network? Nothing will replace mum, but my DNs do have a lot of people around who really love them and actively work to support them through life.

Can you create photos, videos, memorable days out etc to help them hold your memory for when they're older? My sister made some letters and future birthday presents for them to open when they are older which is a way of keeping her a present as they grow up. She did milestone birthdays but actually leaving primary/ starting secondary, uni etc would also be nice milestones. You could share some stories of what you were like at that age. What it was like for you being pregnant/ having them etc.

In hindsight some of the best moments for them during that time was when they were just absorbed in something simple together (playdoh, painting) so take all the help you can. It must be so hard knowing you have to enjoy all those moments but being so sad and angry that you don't get a many as you want/ need.

Sending hugs. Happy to message privately if I can help. X

I’m so sorry. I have written 4 responses and then deleted them trying to give my own experience is like comparing a scratch to a knife wound. Words are simply not enough. Of course you are angry - you are grieving for everyone important in your life - your children. Everyone else is able to grieve for one person. It’s just such a terrible situation

Anger is completely valid and reasonable response to this shitty situation. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I guess just allow yourself to feel angry but don’t let your anger rob you of time to spend with others and do your list of productive things. Maggies centre or hospice support for ideas or help to achieve things you need to and for putting in place your end of life plan so that you can be in as much control as possible. But my God. Life is so incredibly unfair sometimes.

Also I forgot to add to my post. As well as writing letters which I will do, I have set up an email address.
I write to that email address and send pictures or stories and adventures me and DD got up to that day. Sometimes I only send a sentence, sometimes I write paragraphs.

I will give DH / DD the password to the email. The email currently has over 1000 emails from me in it.
Theyre just for DD. I'm trying to make sure there's lots of me around, so when I'm not around, she still has lots to have and look through. I've even documented the harder days in there.

I will ask DH to give DD the email and pw at an appropriate age, maybe around 15/16.

I've added advice on her first job interview, reply favourite recipes. Her favourite recipes. A message for her when she gets her first heartbreak. When she does her end of school exams. A message if she chooses to go to uni, or if she chooses to work instead.
Many many things. It genuinely does bring me some comfort.

The older i get the less the world makes sense…There is no fairness everything is mostly luck and I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family OP.

I lost my best friend nearly 2 years ago to cancer, she was 39. Seriously. Fuck cancer! You're not even 30!!!

I’m so very sorry this is happening to you. It’s not fair. You and your family do not deserve this. Being angry is both a logical response to the situation and also one of the stages of acceptance (apparently…) Have you had any counselling to talk through your feelings? It’s a safe place to vent this anger so that you can focus on the positives with your family while you can. Another tactic is to give yourself a set period of time (10-15 mins twice a day - set a timer) to be by yourself and absolutely wallow in it. Scream and yell into a pillow, punch it, listen to angry music, write down your angry thoughts (not for sharing) and rip them up at the end of the session, go and wash your face, have a cup of tea, etc… and then be with your boys, snuggle them, smell their toys. Do the videos, sing some songs, etc.
Once again, I’m so very sorry.

I'm so so sorry OP, I don't have any more advice to add but I'm just so very sorry ❤️

Why don't you punch the next person who says something along the lines of bravery or battle or at peace.
A proper full on, hard punch.
Given your diagnosis, they can't touch you for it, make the most of it.

I have no advice but I am so sorry for what you're going through and I think that you are allowed to be angry and rage at the unfairness of not being there to see your children grow up. It is bloody awful and I don't know how anyone finds acceptance in your situation 😔 have you a mcmillan or marie curie nurse you can talk to if you don't want to burden your loved ones? Can you go off by yourself and just scream and rage at the skies so you're not bottling it up?

I am so sorry for you and your boys. It’s horrific and unfair. You have every right to be angry. The love you have given your boys and will continue to give them, will set them up for life. Most brain development happens in the early years, so your love will make their whole lives better even if you cannot give it for all the years you deserve to give it for. Xx

OP I’m so sorry to read your story, how sad and devastating. Allow yourself to be angry, you should be. If I could point you in the direction of some charity support, I’d recommend Mummy’s Star, Trekstock, willow foundation and Winston’s Wish as charities to support you and your little ones. I’m so
sorry xxx

God that's so fucking shit. I am so sorry OP. If it helps you venting about it on here then just keep typing. Sending love to you x

Also, if you haven’t already, start making contact with your local hospice. They can be such a source of support for families and offer fantastic facilities and resources xxx

Hi, is it Ampullary Adenocarcinoma? This is what my husband had, he was mid 40's. It is so rare.
We relied alot on Beechwood cancer care centres (Maggie's only opened near us towards the end of our journey)
Surgery wasn't an option for us as on discovery it had spread to his liver with one possible node in his lung
It is a heartbreaking thing that your children are so young. Mine were a bit older (10 & 13) now they are 20 & 17.
I don't want to say too much (I will answer any questions I can), however one thing I will say is that my youngest (boy with SEN) wishes they could remember his voice & my eldest wears his wedding ring on a chain & never takes this off (girl)

That's so lovely. I'm sure your DD will know how very much you loved her.

No, im actually crying for you. I feel the rage too. Its so unfair!!!!
Im really sorry OP, There is nothing i or anyone can say that can make you feel better.

My auntie has also got terminal cancer at the moment. Yesterday she wrote letters to her children for the future and we sat and cried for the whole evening.