19, transgender and want a biological child

[Ileran]

I'm a 19 year-old transgender male. I haven't received any hormones or surgery yet, meaning my body is the same as the body of a non-trans woman... except I'm a guy! I'm currently set to go on testosterone next year. This will masculine my body and make me a lot more comfortable in my own skin, but the effects on my fertility can't be predicted. The problem with this is that I want to have a biological child during my life, and I feel like it will bother me for my whole life if I couldn't do that because I chose hormones before pregnancy.

I understand that 19 is not the ideal age for most people to have a child and, ideally, I would wait a few years before doing it myself - but I can't face the thought of avoiding hormones for an unknown time until I'm older and "ready". I need to be moving forward in some way, whether that's having a child before I go on hormones or planning to have a child later and taking the risk that going on hormones could make me infertile. Of course, taking testosterone could have no effect on my fertility, or I could regain fertility if I stopped taking it again. The latter is still the choice I feel the most uneasy about.

I looked into storing my eggs, but the success rate isn't high enough for me to feel comfortable taking that chance. I'd consider adoption later in life, but I want at least one child that's biologically mine.

So, some details. I live with my parents and two brothers, and have been in a relationship for almost a year with my 21 year-old boyfriend. Both my family and boyfriend are understanding of my situation, and have promised to support me whatever choice I end up making.

Currently I don't have a stable job, but I do have a decent amount of money saved. I'm home educated, and will be completing my final courses next year. I've always been good with and enjoyed the company of babies and children, and have known I want children of my own from a young age. I've never been the kind of person who enjoyed going out and partying.

I understand that having a baby is a long-term commitment and a big decision, especially at the age I am, which is why I'm seeking opinions, advice, stories from people in situations similar to my own... anything except criticism of me being a trans man who wants to carry a baby. Thank you!

Ok I have to ask this.
Is this the norm now?
Genuine question. If you say you feel like a man/ woman people just believe you?
How does the sex thing work though. Surely if you're a gay man you want another man and enjoy "gay" sex?
Is this a younger generation thing?

The OP's most recent update, my main thought was "oh, your gay boyfriend now finds out that he is bisexual as he is in a relationship with a woman" rather than a woman being in a relationship with a gay man now means that the woman is a gay man. When did things get so mind-bendingly complicated?

Be my guest vique

If you're still lurking OP, I'll add my two pennorth.

You've told us you have a female body, but not a female mind.
You want to use your female body to become pregnant and give birth to your own child.

So far, this makes you EXACTLY the same as me. In fact, exactly the same as the vast majority of women on Mumsnet.

We are people with female bodies and without female minds. That's pretty much the perfect and only definition of woman that matters.

You'll have met a lot of people, I suspect, who will have tried to tell you that being a woman is not about your body, it's about feelings, personality, identity.

That is the biggest lie there is. There's nothing more to being a woman than having a female body. There IS no female gender identity - it just doesn't exist. It's just words. A myth.

The fact that you don't have a female gender identity doesn't make you unusual - it makes you normal.

If you can open your mind up just a little more to the idea that male/female differences are exclusively limited to our bodies, then you might begin to see that our minds are unique and neither male or female. If you can begin to accept that, (trust me, it's utterly true) then you have your foot at the start of a path which will allow you the freedom to make choices for your life that embrace your own body for exactly what it is - YOURS - not in need of change, not wrong, not incorrectly aligned with your brain, just the spectacular vehicle that will see you happily and hopefully healthily through life, if you give it a chance.

And then perhaps one day, when you are older and wiser, you will use your amazing female body to have a child. And you can model body positivity to your child. And you can show them how to embrace who they are, and encourage them to accept their bodies and free their minds too.

Plenty of straight women's male partners struggle to come to terms with the effects of pregnancy on a female body, without the added headfuck of them actually being gay men who aren't sexually attracted to women

Amanda maybe it's a younger generation thing in the sense that the younger generation are more evolved and can see the 'gender' of people's souls?

So they know who to fancy (?) Orherwise I just can't work out how sexuality works in this brave new world.

I probably sound like I'm being facetious. I'm actually genuinely not. I am deeply confused by all this though. I can feel new frown lines forming as I type.

I mean male/male gay relationship involving one man's body and one woman's body? What?!

Hairy really speaks a lot of a sense OP

That is the biggest lie there is. There's nothing more to being a woman than having a female body.

I agree. I do worry that fixed ideas about gender and perhaps recent sickly sweet ideas about femininity involving cupcakes and gin are playing into trans gender debates.

Yes manu. I feel like there's something I'm not seeing here. I makes no sense to me.

*it

Hairy, thank you for posting that. It is the single most helpful thing I have read on MN recently.

Agreed, another great post, as always, from hairy and all of it is true. So good to read it. It is common sense when all around are losing theirs .

I refuse to acknowledge this "I identify therefore I am " nonsense.

Being pregnant will only amplify all your feelings about having a woman's body. I don't think this is what you would want as someone who identifies as male. Boobs become veiny, heavy, and big. They can start leaking collustrum during pregnancy - how would you feel about that? After birth there can be weeks and weeks of bleeding, a vaginal delivery can lead too stitches, so much focus on your vagina - how would you cope with that?

" I just know very, very clearly that I'm not a woman. "

well then you wont be wanting to have a baby will you? duh.

The op's relationship, however she chooses to describe it, is a heterosexual relationship. One male and one female partner. The homosexual male partner is having an anomalous heterosexual relationship which might make him bisexual or might not, but this isn't a gay relationship.

Exactly Poldark

FFS, words mean things.

Great advice from hairy. Best of luck OP.

It's just such a mess isn't it. It is a huge, complicated mess. A huge complicated mess is the polar opposite of what a baby needs to be brought into. That is the end of the story I think.

Brilliant post, Hairy.

I feel very sad for the OP. Their life is filled with lies.

The relationship I have with my boyfriend is a male/male one. He's gay and I'm his boyfriend, even if I am a fair bit different from his previous partners. He's absolutely fine with me being transgender, even if it did take him a while to get used to it when we first met!

But you're female! You have a vagina and breasts. You don't have a penis. How the holy fuck can you have a male/male relationship with him??????

I identify as a cat. One day, I hope to mate with another cat and birth kittens.

@CocktailQueen Maybe they go on lager binges, drive boy racer cars together, leave the toilet seats up & swap tips about their sheds. all those male bonding habits.

lol @ Twogoats

Twogoats 😁😂

This will be remarkable transition, from two goats to a cat.