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Original poster

19, transgender and want a biological child

186 replies

Ileran · 30/10/2016 19:52

I'm a 19 year-old transgender male. I haven't received any hormones or surgery yet, meaning my body is the same as the body of a non-trans woman... except I'm a guy! I'm currently set to go on testosterone next year. This will masculine my body and make me a lot more comfortable in my own skin, but the effects on my fertility can't be predicted. The problem with this is that I want to have a biological child during my life, and I feel like it will bother me for my whole life if I couldn't do that because I chose hormones before pregnancy.

I understand that 19 is not the ideal age for most people to have a child and, ideally, I would wait a few years before doing it myself - but I can't face the thought of avoiding hormones for an unknown time until I'm older and "ready". I need to be moving forward in some way, whether that's having a child before I go on hormones or planning to have a child later and taking the risk that going on hormones could make me infertile. Of course, taking testosterone could have no effect on my fertility, or I could regain fertility if I stopped taking it again. The latter is still the choice I feel the most uneasy about.

I looked into storing my eggs, but the success rate isn't high enough for me to feel comfortable taking that chance. I'd consider adoption later in life, but I want at least one child that's biologically mine.

So, some details. I live with my parents and two brothers, and have been in a relationship for almost a year with my 21 year-old boyfriend. Both my family and boyfriend are understanding of my situation, and have promised to support me whatever choice I end up making.

Currently I don't have a stable job, but I do have a decent amount of money saved. I'm home educated, and will be completing my final courses next year. I've always been good with and enjoyed the company of babies and children, and have known I want children of my own from a young age. I've never been the kind of person who enjoyed going out and partying.

I understand that having a baby is a long-term commitment and a big decision, especially at the age I am, which is why I'm seeking opinions, advice, stories from people in situations similar to my own... anything except criticism of me being a trans man who wants to carry a baby. Thank you!

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Original poster
Ileran · 30/10/2016 20:43

Mrsmorton - a woman who isn't trans was declared female at birth and still identifies as a female as she grows up - as opposed to a trans woman, who would have been declared male at birth but identify as female.

I do need & plan to discuss this issue in detail with my therapist. I've only been considering my options for a short time after seriously processing that I might not be able to conceive after beginning hormones.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 30/10/2016 20:43

What are your career aims? Does your boyfriend earn enough to support you and the baby, and would you all be able to live together?

It doesn't sound like your gender dysphoria can be that bad, if you'd be happy to be pregnant and give birth, so why not spend a few years sorting out your professional life and ensuring a stable living situation that you could bring a child into, and leave hormonal/surgical transition until further down the line.

FlapsTie · 30/10/2016 20:44

I'm sorry but I just can't reconcile you feeling that you are a man and wanting to use your female reproductive system to have a baby.

And if you start talking about your 'male uterus' I think my head might actually explode.

FlapsTie · 30/10/2016 20:45

'Non trans woman'?

So, woman, then?

The world has gone fucking mad

HermioneWeasley · 30/10/2016 20:45

OP, no men can get pregnant and give birth

You are lying to yourself if you think "some" men can, and I don't think that can be good for your mental health.

CinderellaFant · 30/10/2016 20:47

Agree with everyone else- if you see yourself as a man then surely giving birth to a child is not part of that.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 30/10/2016 20:47

OP, a genuine non-critical question? Why so you identify as a male?

5toMidnight · 30/10/2016 20:51

Men can't get or be pregnant.

I think you need a lot more counselling.

HummusForBreakfast · 30/10/2016 20:55

I really think that you need to ring that with your counsellor.
Your two aims, having a child and transitioning from F to M, are so opposite to each other that I can only see it ending in a disaster. Yu will be pulled into two different directions and just aren't compatible.

If I might give you an advice too, on this website, please don't talk about it non-trans women. You will be reduced to pieces.
Just talk about women.

Somerville · 30/10/2016 20:55

I don't understand why you think you identify as male when you have a driving urge to get pregnant? That's the most significant thing that we women can do that men can't. That urge is biological because you have female biology.

ShelaghTurner · 30/10/2016 20:55

This is doing my head in. Usually I don't have much to say on gender issues, being happy with my own and not (to my knowledge) knowing anyone who isn't. But this is a classic case of wanting your cake and eating it. At the risk of this sounding like a sketch from the life of Brian, men can't have babies. If you want to have babies then you're a female and identifying as such. To say otherwise is absurd.

mintyflamingo · 30/10/2016 20:56

How can you be "a guy" if you're considering pregnancy?

Have you thought about how female pregnancy is? It's not just a bump, your breasts would grow as well...on that note, would you breastfeed? How would you reconcile your body changing?

You can't have it both ways

hoddtastic · 30/10/2016 20:57

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Original poster
Ileran · 30/10/2016 20:57

There have been plenty of transgender men who have been pregnant and birthed their children while being public about it, and others who have done it without making a fuss, just look up transgender pregnancy Grin

It's difficult to explain why I identify as male, and a proper attempt would take up an awful lot of space. I just know very, very clearly that I'm not a woman.

OP posts:
tiredandhungryalways · 30/10/2016 20:58

I can't believe I read someone had a wife and 2 children as a test! Those poor children 'coping'! Fukin shameful. He/she is a true bastard

Original poster
Ileran · 30/10/2016 20:58

And yeah, I am the exception here. Would have just typed woman if I'd looked over my post before submitting it!

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 30/10/2016 20:59

I just know very, very clearly that I'm not a woman.

In that case why the desire to grow a child inside your uterus, watch your breasts and belly swell, pass a child through your vagina?

RiverTam · 30/10/2016 21:00

A woman is an adult human female, of the class of human with the potential to produce eggs and bear young. If pregnancy is a biological option for you then you certainly are a woman. Every human being, including you, is born from an egg produced by a woman.

No man has ever given birth. Women 'living' as men may have done so, but they aren't men. It is not possible for a man to concieve and give birth.

Trevor Macdonald is not a man.

QuinnsNo1Lady · 30/10/2016 21:02

If you want to be a guy, be a guy, but guys don't have babies.
If you want a baby, be a woman.

I wouldn't advise any woman to have a baby at 19 though, with no stable job or long term partner.

CinderellaFant · 30/10/2016 21:03

If you know you are definitely not a woman then why want to get pregnant! That's the most womanly thing possible!!

Mrsmorton · 30/10/2016 21:04

Yep. Non trans woman = woman.

If you're convinced you're a man, you wouldn't be wanting to have a baby now would you. Breast feeding and vaginal exams and all that would be horribly offensive to you. If you were a man.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 30/10/2016 21:05

Things for:
you have maternal feelings

Things against:
you don't want to be a woman (which is kind of a requirement of gestation)
you don't have a way of supporting the infant
you are working out a heap of stuff.

Don't have a baby, not yet.

And, don't do any surgical/chemical transition yet, either.

Have a LOT more counselling. You sound very confused. Men don't have babies, this is simple biological fact, and no amount of procedures* can fix that for you.

*seriously, do you know what's involved in egg freezing? It's not like nipping to Iceland for a 4 pack of magnums.

QueenLaBeefah · 30/10/2016 21:05

This dilemma seems to be totally about you and your feelings and no consideration at all about any potential child. You're not ready to be a mother.

tiredandhungryalways · 30/10/2016 21:05

And op don't have a baby. You are too young, not financially or emotionally ready. You shouldn't rush into having a child then take pills to become a man, what sort impact would that have on a child? As people have said the two things you are considering are such extremes you certainly should not have a baby, it would be completely wrong and unfair on the child

CinderellaFant · 30/10/2016 21:07

Would you class yourself as the child's mother? Or father? Genuine question