19, transgender and want a biological child

[Ileran]

I'm a 19 year-old transgender male. I haven't received any hormones or surgery yet, meaning my body is the same as the body of a non-trans woman... except I'm a guy! I'm currently set to go on testosterone next year. This will masculine my body and make me a lot more comfortable in my own skin, but the effects on my fertility can't be predicted. The problem with this is that I want to have a biological child during my life, and I feel like it will bother me for my whole life if I couldn't do that because I chose hormones before pregnancy.

I understand that 19 is not the ideal age for most people to have a child and, ideally, I would wait a few years before doing it myself - but I can't face the thought of avoiding hormones for an unknown time until I'm older and "ready". I need to be moving forward in some way, whether that's having a child before I go on hormones or planning to have a child later and taking the risk that going on hormones could make me infertile. Of course, taking testosterone could have no effect on my fertility, or I could regain fertility if I stopped taking it again. The latter is still the choice I feel the most uneasy about.

I looked into storing my eggs, but the success rate isn't high enough for me to feel comfortable taking that chance. I'd consider adoption later in life, but I want at least one child that's biologically mine.

So, some details. I live with my parents and two brothers, and have been in a relationship for almost a year with my 21 year-old boyfriend. Both my family and boyfriend are understanding of my situation, and have promised to support me whatever choice I end up making.

Currently I don't have a stable job, but I do have a decent amount of money saved. I'm home educated, and will be completing my final courses next year. I've always been good with and enjoyed the company of babies and children, and have known I want children of my own from a young age. I've never been the kind of person who enjoyed going out and partying.

I understand that having a baby is a long-term commitment and a big decision, especially at the age I am, which is why I'm seeking opinions, advice, stories from people in situations similar to my own... anything except criticism of me being a trans man who wants to carry a baby. Thank you!

Pigeonpost I personally believe confused and vulnerable people are being let down by mental health services and also will follow the latest 'trend' to feel a sense of belonging to a downtrodden group.

I do genuinely believe there are some people who for whatever reason feel they are born into the wrong sex, though I also personally believe this has more to do with gender stereotypes than anything else.

God, don't have a baby op, you don't sound nearly ready.

As an aside. If you transition legally, without surgery, but getting a gender recognition certificate and then go on to have a baby, well, how does that work? What would be listed on the child's birth certificate under 'mother'? How would the pregnancy be managed?

Sorry for being distracted by the details, I know this is a serious subject. Best of luck with it.

In summary don't have a baby now, you are not ready and it isn't fair on the baby. My heart breaks thinking about the confusion, struggles and emotional difficulties it would have to endure (from no job, no permanent home, no stable relationship and a total transformation of the mother).

Please just freeze your eggs and make the decision in the future when the other issues are sorted.

Please also come back to tell us that you have decided not to have a baby right now. It's hard to explain but thinking about someone putting a child through all of this on purpose gives me a lump in my throat and knot in my stomach.

One thing leapt out at me from your post, OP - I need to be moving forward in some way, whether that's having a child before I go on hormones or planning to have a child later and taking the risk that going on hormones could make me infertile

Why do you need to be moving forward? I understand the feeling, that you need to be doing something, and how that feeling can be overwhelming in its urgency, but tbh I've only experienced that urgency when I've been depressed or heading into depression. The idea that decisive action will make everything all right and it's the only way forward can become overwhelming.

I would echo what others have been saying and get some/a lot more counselling or therapy - and not necessarily from a gender-related therapist. You want to be right in your head before taking either course of action, because if you feel desperate and depressed now, believe me the hormonal upsets involved in pregnancy and birth (and the reality of dealing with a tiny, dependent baby) will be horrendous. I've had severe PND and I thought I was in a really good place mentally, my child was longed for and planned for and desperately wanted, and I still descended into a quite hellish depression.

You're only 19, you have so much time. I'm not sure what you imagine having a child will be like, but a tiny baby takes so much of your time, emotions, energy... Please don't rush into anything, and don't bring a child into the world when you're not ready for it, mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.

MrsWrex, yes I entirely agree that there must be some. But it must be a very very small amount and surely can't account for the massive apparent increase in transgender issues. MN is full of trans threads, trans issues about prisons and toilets are all over the news and there is a thread showing in Active about a CBBC programme about a trans 11 year old ffs. How has this come about?

Can't you be a very masculine woman? You aren't in any hurry to take testosterone, you want to get pregnant and have a baby, you are comfortable in a relationship with a man, are you sure, at only 19, you have fully explored your feelings on all this?You say you feel like a guy but what does that really mean?

Dont have a baby now, you seen too young, immature and confused as either a man or a woman.

OP a baby is not an accessory or a tick on your bucket list. Your baby will become a child then an adult who will need you to be their rock. As it's mother (which you will be no matter what you tell yourself) no one will have more power over shaping that child's life and sense of self. If you cannot support yourself physically or psychologically, what makes you think you can perform this most crucial of roles for another person?

Can I ask why you were homeschooled? Not judging just curious.

Pigeonpost I think social media etc. has a lot to answer for in this case.

Mental health issues can leave people very suggestible.

Couple that with the fact it seems this topic often can't be discussed sensibly without anger or fear of being seen as bigoted.

My friend has always been open and honest about what he feels and he isn't a fan of the 'new wave' trans movement. It's made for some bloody good discussions

That Trevor McDonald story is a nice one, although I absolutely do not agree with the term "chest feeding".

But he is a mature man in a steady relationship and you are so young OP. I think you should take your time with this.

Op, your counselor has lied to you if they have told you you are a man.
You may act like a man and consider yourself a man, but you are a woman.
You know this though.
You have told us so.
You have a strong desire to use your eggs and your womb and vagina to have a baby.
Please don't do it.
Find yourself a new, better counselor.

I really don't know where to begin with this. I...just...nope.

I love that people seem to be wondering whether that Trevor McDonald was "afab" though

The trans agenda

Firstly I don't wish to be confrontational but I am not a non trans woman - I am a woman. I may or may not be particularly feminine or have stereotypical girly interests but I am a woman and we come in many different forms.

There is perhaps some kind of debate to be had as to whether "wanting to carry" a child is just a feminine trait. To me carrying a child, giving birth and then nurturing a child through breastfeeding were my ultimate acts of femininity . It does seem odd to me that a man would want to do that. But just because men physically can't do something does that mean that they can't want to do it.

I don't know much about transgender issues , despite the fact that they seem to be everywhere and so I tend to avoid these threads. However I do know what it feels like to have a physical need to have children. I also know that my husband also had a strong need to have children and so I am not assuming that the feeling will go away when you start your treatment. However many of us, without the extra challenges you face, have had to wait to have children or limit the children we have or even sadly not be able to have them.

Surely if you are putting your self through the transition process, being a woman must be causing you some trauma; it isn't something you would do on a whim. If being female is causing you trauma how will you cope when your body spends almost year on the ultimate female act . How will you cope when your breasts grow, you have odd discharge, the parts of you that you feel most uncomfortable with become almost public property? How would you cope if you feel the desire to breastfeed? You don't just give birth and move on, you can bleed for weeks, your breasts can become enforced, you almost feel your female body putting itself back together? Will you want a second child - it is quite likely.

I have not even asked you to consider the impact of your choices on your relatively new partner, family and most importantly the child - who has no choice in any of this.

I am relieved to find out that all is as I thought with Trevor McDonald though

I posted on this site because I knew it was busy. I didn't think it would be this busy! Thank you to all who have left comments not just questioning my identity, but I think I'll abandon this thread after this message. Gets a little tiring reading the same thing again and again. I've known who I am for a long time and comments on a website aren't going to change that

I think it would be in everybody's best interests if I held off the hormones for another year or took the risk of taking them, got myself into a more stable situation where I wasn't so dependent, talked through everything and then reconsidered, as much as I might want to do otherwise. My poor therapist!

I'll answer the questions I saw here before I leave.

I assume the way being transgender has become a big sensationalist news topic has let more people become aware of it and realize it fits them. Don't know why it suddenly blew up! I was in before the trend though, and I definitely have opinions on it

The relationship I have with my boyfriend is a male/male one. He's gay and I'm his boyfriend, even if I am a fair bit different from his previous partners. He's absolutely fine with me being transgender, even if it did take him a while to get used to it when we first met!

Obtaining a gender recognition certificate (AKA legally changing your gender) doesn't affect your status as a mother or father - meaning someone who births a child will be listed as their mother, even if legally male. If someone goes through another way of having a child after getting their gender legally changed, I'm pretty sure they can be listed as a father.

And that's me gone. Goodnight!

Sounds like a sensible decision for now lleren.

Can you imagine THE Trevor McDonald doing his regular Sunday night Google of himself only to discover a Mumsnetter asserting that he wasn't a man? 😄

even if I am a fair bit different from his previous partners.

In that you have a woman's body, you mean?

I think my head just exploded.

This is so confusing.

Good luck OP. Please listen and read again. Keep the thread and go back to it. The advice here is gold.

I foresee sad endings for relationships of gay men with trans-men-who-want-to-birth-babies.
Having had babies and seen the effects of that on my female physiology

How can you be in a gay relationship with a man when you have a female's body?

I just don't get it

Oh dear God, the world is mad.

Manumission, can I join you on the exploded head bench? It is Sunday evening and I am sticking my fingers in my ears and going lalala rather thank think about the mechanics of this relationship.

Sorry I've just lost it. Please someone tell me how the fuck you have a gay relationship with a man when you're a woman? Please? Suddenly I know how my mum feels when I give her a new piece of tech, like the world is racing on and going batshit and leaving me behind in a befuddled haze.

I dunno, presumably the OP's partner loves him for who he is, regardless of how he chooses to present himself. I think that's rather lovely.