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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

To be trying to find ways to tell my brother that his niece is queer! I really need help in finding a way that it makes it important to him.

253 replies

Wills · 08/07/2023 22:27

I am stunningly proud and in love with my daughter so don’t get me wrong I have zero issues with her sexuality and hope she feels 100% supported (in the way that young 20+ year olds always have points to score in how as a parent you can always improve! 🤣). No my issue is that last week my middle brother came to visit our mother for the first time in 6 years. He moved to the US to marry his love just over 20 years ago. He rarely comes back - 6 years ago was for 3 days to attend our beloved godmother’s (fairy) funeral. He’s also very much on the spectrum (as are my kids, and I only mention this to say that unless something is important to him - I mean REALLY important to him - he doesn’t engage he simply doesn’t ‘see’ it and having kids like him has taught me so much. I’ve also learnt how to teach them NOT to be like this. So remembering my kids/my birthday etc went by the wayside the second he moved to the US. This is his personality and whilst it initially hurt, having had children similar to him I’ve come to terms with him and no longer resent the lack of communication etc. When, every half/decade we do come together he’s fabulous because we’re in front of him. I get this).

My issue is that my youngest brother came to see him the following evening and they got into a political discussion which horrified my youngest brother. It seems that my brother supports De Santis and believes that any mention of LBTQ+ relationships should be removed from the curriculum.

I have a single chance to tell my brother about his beautiful niece. He may well ignore it anyway. So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is. Partially I’m doing this for him, but most of all I want to champion my gorgeous daughter (she doesn’t know her uncle’s view but she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me - I want to champion my daughter.). PS my mother has NEVER coped with my daughter’s sexuality so it’s not really surprising that my middle brother doesn’t know/understand.

Finally - it’s late! I may not answer tonight but trust me I will pickup and engage tomorrow. So I really need help! If you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual (ps. I know there are more letters but I’m dyslexic and can’t do long acronyms.) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? If you had just a single opportunity to change the way they think? How would you prioritise your statement?

Am so worried no one will look at this. It’s a really fraught conversation. Thank you ahead of time for even a small response.

OP posts:
nolongersurprised · 09/07/2023 00:31

What do you hope to gain by telling your brother about your daughter’s “queerness”, OP?

Because it seems to me as though you’re wanting to use her as a pawn to play political or identical politics top trumps.

If your brother is denigrating your daughter because she’s gay that’s unacceptable and you should defend her. But why manufacture conflict? He won’t change his political views and neither will you

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2023 00:32

WonderfulUsername · 09/07/2023 00:29

I'm getting a small smell of someone desperate to have a gay chid so they can make it all about them and how great their parenting is.

I think this is why I keep seeing Eddie from Ab Fab in my mind Blush

That!!! And the multiple punctuation marks???

OP just calm down and have a normal, polite conversation with your brother. Typically people care about all the same things; being safe and secure, having enough to live on, their children being happy. Maybe find that common ground and be curious about why he thinks the right offers this. Explain why you disagree, and what makes you believe this.

Calmly and politely. Breathe.

DdraigGoch · 09/07/2023 00:33

Why is your daughter's sexuality anyone else's business? The only way I can ever see it entering a conversation is small talk along the lines of: "We had Jane's girlfriend around for dinner yesterday" in the same way that you would mention having the vicar round before talking about the weather.

Sheranovermytoes · 09/07/2023 00:34

Pleased don't do it, it's not your news to tell. The day LGBTQ people stop having to come out will be a good day.

UsingChangeofName · 09/07/2023 00:35

OP just calm down and have a normal, polite conversation with your brother. Typically people care about all the same things; being safe and secure, having enough to live on, their children being happy. Maybe find that common ground and be curious about why he thinks the right offers this. Explain why you disagree, and what makes you believe this.

Calmly and politely. Breathe.

This.
By far and away the best way to challenge someone's views.

Brokendaughter · 09/07/2023 00:36

You sound OTT like this sketch, but about your daughters currently declared identity (which she may choose to change in the future) which she hasn't chosen to share with a relative who lives on the other side of the world.

Couldn't you let her choose what she tells people about herself?

Catherine Tate - Gay Son

Can a gay son live up to his mother's stereo-typical expectations?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifUQq5p5i2g

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/07/2023 00:37

I’m still waiting for responses from @Tophy124 @Wills and @suggestionsplease1

there hve been a lot of accusations bandied about here.

lostinmaze · 09/07/2023 00:37

Would she announce it to anyone if she wasn't queer, or rather 'straight' 🤔. Never quite got what it matters to others who others decide to be with, let alone having to announce it.

Livinginanotherworld · 09/07/2023 00:38

ThatsAboutEnoughOfThat · 09/07/2023 00:09

Sums up the TQ/TRA movement.

Show quote history

This ! What a weird post. I’m totally confused about your statement that as a feminist you want to champion trans issues ?? Have you been under a rock ? Is your daughter gay or trans ? And what’s it got to do with you and your brother ?

nolongersurprised · 09/07/2023 00:38

Lacroix, sweety 😂

Anklespraying · 09/07/2023 00:39

All we know is the daughter is queer and definitely not a lesbian. All that means in 2023 is a spicy straight.

What would you say to your brother?

Hey bro, my daughter has sex with people.

Hey sis, you are being weird. Boundaries sis, boundaries.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2023 00:48

Anklespraying · 09/07/2023 00:39

All we know is the daughter is queer and definitely not a lesbian. All that means in 2023 is a spicy straight.

What would you say to your brother?

Hey bro, my daughter has sex with people.

Hey sis, you are being weird. Boundaries sis, boundaries.

My favourite is Miley Cyrus talking about how 'queer' she is while marrying Liam Hemsworth. 'Love is all about spirituality and not sex or gender and I'm so special, blah blah I'm so special with my identity.'

Miley love, wanting to shag a Hemsworth makes you about as typical as it's possible to be.

nolongersurprised · 09/07/2023 00:52

Tophy124 · 09/07/2023 00:25

If he is a desantis fan then he’s awful. Why would you want to share your daughters sexuality with a bigot who doesn’t even know her birthday? It’s not your business to share! And why should she have to deal with a homophobe? You’ve made this oddly all about you.

De Santis is very conservative, way way more than I am. But I have 3 daughters and also want to protect them from the TQ propaganda at school. After the Loudoun county awfulness if I was in the US I’d probably vote for the party that protected same sex spaces for girls.

Splishsploshsplash · 09/07/2023 00:55

Completely baffled to be honest. It’s like you are throwing every letter of the alphabet out there - what the hell does identifying as the opposite sex have to do with being a lesbian? I think you’ll find in 2023 that the trans agenda sometimes conflicts with lesbian sexual preferences.

Calm down and let your daughter live her life. It’s not about you.

DoughnutDreams · 09/07/2023 00:57

Does it matter to her what some distant arsehole bigoted relative thinks? Why does it matter to you?
Most kids are queer in some ways these days, it's a complete non-issue.

Threenow · 09/07/2023 00:58

I agree, you don't need to say anything at all to your brother. He has come for a short visit, enjoy the time you have with him, and leave your DD's sexuality out of it. It might be different if he lived nearby, but he is a long way away.

People make such a song and dance about sexuality, and it really isn't anyone else's business, and if anyone is to announce theirs to someone then it should be the person themselves, not a family member.

colouringindoors · 09/07/2023 01:01

Seriously weird. Step away.

dcbc1234 · 09/07/2023 01:02

YABU It doesn't matter what he thinks. You barely ever see him. There is a strong argument for 'letting kids be kids' and not introducing them to issues around sexuality etc before they are ready. There are issues with this curriculum content in the UK at the moment too.
His view is just as legitimate as yours. Most children who say they are 'trans' will turn out simply to be autistic/gay if left to their own devices. Why would you want to help kids embark on an unnecessary clinical path to lifelong medical care and infertility. Simply being gay involves none of those downsides.

ButteryNut · 09/07/2023 01:05

You seem manic.

DdraigGoch · 09/07/2023 01:13

Wills · 09/07/2023 00:20

This is a good point and a reason as to why I’ve said nothing. My original post was long, including such emotions would have made it so much longer. But yes I agree. I wouldn’t take on my brother without discussing this with my child, but equally why give her the pain of a yet another individual descrimonatry point. The point being is that with a ‘grown up’ child is difficult to distinguish when you should step back and allow them to fight their own battles and when to wade in. Given that this time it’s my brother, her uncle, I felt I should wade in. But am very aware that it’s a difficult situation and many would choose not to do so.

Show quote history

But she's not in a battle. She barely knows the man.

rainbowlou · 09/07/2023 01:14

Wills · 08/07/2023 22:27

I am stunningly proud and in love with my daughter so don’t get me wrong I have zero issues with her sexuality and hope she feels 100% supported (in the way that young 20+ year olds always have points to score in how as a parent you can always improve! 🤣). No my issue is that last week my middle brother came to visit our mother for the first time in 6 years. He moved to the US to marry his love just over 20 years ago. He rarely comes back - 6 years ago was for 3 days to attend our beloved godmother’s (fairy) funeral. He’s also very much on the spectrum (as are my kids, and I only mention this to say that unless something is important to him - I mean REALLY important to him - he doesn’t engage he simply doesn’t ‘see’ it and having kids like him has taught me so much. I’ve also learnt how to teach them NOT to be like this. So remembering my kids/my birthday etc went by the wayside the second he moved to the US. This is his personality and whilst it initially hurt, having had children similar to him I’ve come to terms with him and no longer resent the lack of communication etc. When, every half/decade we do come together he’s fabulous because we’re in front of him. I get this).

My issue is that my youngest brother came to see him the following evening and they got into a political discussion which horrified my youngest brother. It seems that my brother supports De Santis and believes that any mention of LBTQ+ relationships should be removed from the curriculum.

I have a single chance to tell my brother about his beautiful niece. He may well ignore it anyway. So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is. Partially I’m doing this for him, but most of all I want to champion my gorgeous daughter (she doesn’t know her uncle’s view but she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me - I want to champion my daughter.). PS my mother has NEVER coped with my daughter’s sexuality so it’s not really surprising that my middle brother doesn’t know/understand.

Finally - it’s late! I may not answer tonight but trust me I will pickup and engage tomorrow. So I really need help! If you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual (ps. I know there are more letters but I’m dyslexic and can’t do long acronyms.) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? If you had just a single opportunity to change the way they think? How would you prioritise your statement?

Am so worried no one will look at this. It’s a really fraught conversation. Thank you ahead of time for even a small response.

It never occurred to me to tell my brother this private information about my children!
it’s not his business to know and not yours to tell.
you don’t see him very often so just leave it be for everyone’s sakes.

LaffTaff · 09/07/2023 01:16

lostinmaze · 09/07/2023 00:37

Would she announce it to anyone if she wasn't queer, or rather 'straight' 🤔. Never quite got what it matters to others who others decide to be with, let alone having to announce it.

It requires announcing in order for others' approval to be expressed; it's considered (not just impolite) downright suspicious to not express approval (of everything). My 13yo has a serious case of approvalitis - she gets affronted at the merest hint of inequity in a news story. It's habitually an LGBTQIA+ related issue she's expressing her support thereof (though this week she's approving of/supporting men in turbans, on the basis of something prejudicial she learnt in her history lesson). I've taken to flicking channel when the news comes on.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2023 01:31

bobblyjob · 09/07/2023 00:00

mumsnet is SUPER anti trans. All trans people are paedophiles in the bathroom according to here (remember like gay men used to be in the narrative)
It makes me very sad how horrible people are

Nonsense.

LAMPS1 · 09/07/2023 01:32

If you are still no closer to understanding her perspective of her sexuality (your own words) how do you expect to be able to champion her being queer.
You believe in her, but yet you don’t yet understand where she’s coming from ?
What exactly are you asking mumsnet to do ?
Do you want to be given the powerful words to use to make your brother believe in her personal adult choices, even though you don’t understand them yourself ?
That wouldn’t be a good idea even if it were possible and even if it were your business to talk about in the first place.

Here’s what you tell him…..She’s a fabulous person, you love her with all your heart and you couldn’t be any prouder of her.

Straightsidedcircle · 09/07/2023 01:36

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