To be trying to find ways to tell my brother that his niece is queer! I really need help in finding a way that it makes it important to him.

[Wills]

I am stunningly proud and in love with my daughter so don’t get me wrong I have zero issues with her sexuality and hope she feels 100% supported (in the way that young 20+ year olds always have points to score in how as a parent you can always improve! 🤣). No my issue is that last week my middle brother came to visit our mother for the first time in 6 years. He moved to the US to marry his love just over 20 years ago. He rarely comes back - 6 years ago was for 3 days to attend our beloved godmother’s (fairy) funeral. He’s also very much on the spectrum (as are my kids, and I only mention this to say that unless something is important to him - I mean REALLY important to him - he doesn’t engage he simply doesn’t ‘see’ it and having kids like him has taught me so much. I’ve also learnt how to teach them NOT to be like this. So remembering my kids/my birthday etc went by the wayside the second he moved to the US. This is his personality and whilst it initially hurt, having had children similar to him I’ve come to terms with him and no longer resent the lack of communication etc. When, every half/decade we do come together he’s fabulous because we’re in front of him. I get this).

My issue is that my youngest brother came to see him the following evening and they got into a political discussion which horrified my youngest brother. It seems that my brother supports De Santis and believes that any mention of LBTQ+ relationships should be removed from the curriculum.

I have a single chance to tell my brother about his beautiful niece. He may well ignore it anyway. So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is. Partially I’m doing this for him, but most of all I want to champion my gorgeous daughter (she doesn’t know her uncle’s view but she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me - I want to champion my daughter.). PS my mother has NEVER coped with my daughter’s sexuality so it’s not really surprising that my middle brother doesn’t know/understand.

Finally - it’s late! I may not answer tonight but trust me I will pickup and engage tomorrow. So I really need help! If you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual (ps. I know there are more letters but I’m dyslexic and can’t do long acronyms.) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? If you had just a single opportunity to change the way they think? How would you prioritise your statement?

Am so worried no one will look at this. It’s a really fraught conversation. Thank you ahead of time for even a small response.

I would ask your daughter how she feels and whether she wants you to go charging in to confront an uncle she barely sees. I wouldn’t do it myself, I’d challenge anything homophobic he actually says when he’s here but I wouldn’t start a confrontation

I wouldn't tell him, on the spectrum or not he doesn't sound nice and things will not go your way if you think you can change his views.

This. I hope you are "stunningly proud and in love with" your other children OP. The way you are coming across is that your DD is the golden child and oh so special because of her orientation. I don't believe I have ever asked anyone what their orientation is, because it's none of my business and I don't need to know, and I'm a bit if anyone feels the need to tell me.

Darling, there is nothing performative in my support at all.

Is he diagnosed as being "on the spectrum"?

‘Stunningly proud and in love’ with your daughter????

Odd phrasing. You come across as a trans right activist, using your daughter as a proxy to prove a point to your brother.

Her sexuality is none of his business. Don’t engage.

What a strange post. Seems like telling your brother this information will be your big chance to prove yourself a wonderful support and ally etc. Well, it's not about you. Has your child asked you to break this news to your brother specifically? That hasn't been made at all clear and is very pertinent.

In the nicest possible way, chill out. You sound hysterical. Don’t tell your brother who your daughter has decided to sleep with, it’s none of his business. Or yours really.

She's using they/them pronouns for her in the recent post. More likely to be one of the 'non binary' (spicy straights).

It’s simple.
While he is visiting don’t talk about sex/sexuality and politics.
Other conversational subjects are available.

Ok you need to chill now eager beaver. Your last post is ridiculous, you are over doing it and need to stop proving you are ok with it.

I think you're unfair to brand him as homophobic because he thinks schools shouldn't teach LGBT ideology. Many, many people think it isn't the school's job to teach on these subjects, and believe that sexuality is a private matter and it's not the job of the state to dictate children's opinions on this.

This is not your information to tell! You need to butt out completely. If your niece wishes to tell him then that's up to her, but in no way is it up to you. If she does tell him and he makes his views known then bear in mind his views will be very entrenched - but he's isn't around anyway, so does it matter? Just let the rift occur - you'll probably all be happier for not speaking to him! You seem to think an explanation from your will make him re-think his views. I guarantee it won't.

If you are doing this to champion LGBTQ+ and challenge bigoted views find a different way than using your daughter.

He doesn’t need to know about her and as people said not your news to tell.

If you are worried about the path he’s following as regards his views find another way to talk about those but be prepared that he won’t want to listen/ change

This leapt out at me from your OP.

“you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual”

So is he homophobic or is he gender critical?

If he thinks that children should not be told they can change sex at school and not encouraged to think they might have a separate “gender identity”, then he agrees with many other people who are increasingly seeing the harm this can cause.

If he’s not on board with even mention of homosexual relationships/pairings then he may be homophobic.

Homosexuality is well established and accepted in society, the emergence of “trans” is causing huge problems, partly because male people are claiming they should have access to women’s spaces and rights, and partly because children are having irreversible medical and surgical treatment and many of them are starting to regret it because the treatment is not evidence based and has been pushed too far by zealots.

I can’t tell which it is from your post. You don’t seem able to rationally understand your own daughter’s (I assume) sexuality or gender identity claims or perhaps you do, but are afraid to even talk about it anonymously here. You could just as easily drawn your own (logical) conclusions, based in fact, and explain them as she is unlikely to see. There is little rationality in the current claims of “queerness” and it can mean literally anything (or indeed nothing).

So yes, be supportive of your daughter, but seriously, start to think about it rationally for her sake. You have an understanding in your own head about what she’s saying. You aren’t going to understand her claims on her terms because they’re probably not based in any kind of rational understanding.

And if your brother is gender critical and not homophobic, then cut him some slack. The two absolutely do not go together. And no, if your daughter is lesbian, don’t tell him. I didn’t even tell my daughter’s dad when she confided in me. It was entirely up to her to let him know when she was ready.

OP, Mumsnet or any other open forum is not likely to help you with the advice you need. Here you'll have to filter out the replies from many people who wouldn't be supportive to your daughter.

Maybe it would be better to join a closed forum for the families of queer people, and ask your question there. There you would get answers from other parents who want to help their children and who probably have experience of being in your shoes.

Of course there will still be differences of opinion about how best to handle your situation, but I should think everyone will be more on the same page as you.

Hello @Wills we've moved your thread to the LGBT children board. There are likely parents there who will have had similar experiences to you and may be best placed to advise. Best of luck.

For goodness sake. Your DD's sexuality is not your new project or hobby. She's far far more than her sexuality, yet you seem to have grabbed this news and run with it as new and exciting special interest on your part.

Just let her live her life and stop being so focused on this one aspect of her. Does she want you to be rushing around advocating for her and getting into arguments with people?

You give the impression of someone whose become obsessed by it and has made it part of your own persona. 'Look at me! I have a queer daughter and I'm totally cool and hip with it!'

The gay and queer people I know just get on with their lives normally and their sexuality doesn't figure in it in any public way. They have partners and mortgages and jobs and are just people. They don't need any of us running around making a big deal about it.

'in love' with your daughter?

Did she say he was homophobic? He wants the stuff out of curriculum for children and honestly having seen some posts about children's books and what details they include about sex, I'm not surprised there's an uprising. These books are obviously nothing to do with LBTQ+ relationships but seem to be priming kids for paedophillia. So maybe the LBTQ+ agenda has been hijacked by paedos in the USA.

In UK we don't have this and I hope it stays that way.

Ref telling him about his niece, its none of his or your business. Leave it be. Support her like you do.

Your daughter is an adult; she is capable of telling,or not telling, any other person any personal information she chooses. I don't tell any personal info about my 2 adult kids to anyone without their permission. They have both asked me to keep some very personal within the family.To clarify, I have commented on mumsnet because it's anonymous.
As your brother has ASD I would definitely leave it, and BTW just because he has a view on material used in schools he doesn't have to be homophobic or transphobic.

Why on earth would you want to ‘out’ a same sex attracted child to a distant, potentially disapproving, family member?

It’s not your sexual orientation, so it’s not your story.

Back off.

And can someone please explain to me what queer means if it's not gay,lesbian or bi?

Both of my daughters have told me that they are lesbians. It honestly hasn't crossed my mind to tell anyone at all. Who they may choose to sleep with it irrelevant to most people.

I tell friends and family about what they are achieving or where they have been. For example one does a lot of sport so I'd tell my family about the competitions she's been in.

I suppose when one is in more serious relationships then that's the time because that's when it will become relevant to what's actually happening in her life. 'Lucy has a serious girlfriend now, her name is Jasmine and she Geography at Liverpool'.

Cannot 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂