To be trying to find ways to tell my brother that his niece is queer! I really need help in finding a way that it makes it important to him.

[Wills]

I am stunningly proud and in love with my daughter so don’t get me wrong I have zero issues with her sexuality and hope she feels 100% supported (in the way that young 20+ year olds always have points to score in how as a parent you can always improve! 🤣). No my issue is that last week my middle brother came to visit our mother for the first time in 6 years. He moved to the US to marry his love just over 20 years ago. He rarely comes back - 6 years ago was for 3 days to attend our beloved godmother’s (fairy) funeral. He’s also very much on the spectrum (as are my kids, and I only mention this to say that unless something is important to him - I mean REALLY important to him - he doesn’t engage he simply doesn’t ‘see’ it and having kids like him has taught me so much. I’ve also learnt how to teach them NOT to be like this. So remembering my kids/my birthday etc went by the wayside the second he moved to the US. This is his personality and whilst it initially hurt, having had children similar to him I’ve come to terms with him and no longer resent the lack of communication etc. When, every half/decade we do come together he’s fabulous because we’re in front of him. I get this).

My issue is that my youngest brother came to see him the following evening and they got into a political discussion which horrified my youngest brother. It seems that my brother supports De Santis and believes that any mention of LBTQ+ relationships should be removed from the curriculum.

I have a single chance to tell my brother about his beautiful niece. He may well ignore it anyway. So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is. Partially I’m doing this for him, but most of all I want to champion my gorgeous daughter (she doesn’t know her uncle’s view but she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me - I want to champion my daughter.). PS my mother has NEVER coped with my daughter’s sexuality so it’s not really surprising that my middle brother doesn’t know/understand.

Finally - it’s late! I may not answer tonight but trust me I will pickup and engage tomorrow. So I really need help! If you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual (ps. I know there are more letters but I’m dyslexic and can’t do long acronyms.) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? If you had just a single opportunity to change the way they think? How would you prioritise your statement?

Am so worried no one will look at this. It’s a really fraught conversation. Thank you ahead of time for even a small response.

What a load of self indulgent nonsense. He doesn’t care. He won’t remember. He doesn’t give a shit. None of his business anyway. Your poor daughter

You don't need to tell anyone surely? Do you have straight children? Have you announced their sexuality to the family?
This is simply not needed.

Just asked my daughter who happens to gay.

She said, don’t tell him. It’s up to your dd.

It doesn’t need to be in an engaging way for him. If he doesn’t care he doesn’t care.

Not caring about someone’s sexuality should be something no one else actually cares about.

To be honest, we both think that the way you are talking about being stunningly proud of your daughter for being gay is a bit weird. My dds response is ‘I didn’t do anything, why would you be stunningly proud’

Why do you need to champion her to someone she barely knows? Parents of children who happen to be gay don’t need to seek out anyone who has views we don’t agree with and sort them to champion our children.

’parent of queer adult child’ isn’t your personality. Which means it’s all about you and not about her. So not championing her at all. Using her as a point to prove to your brother. Way to go!

Your daughter is in her 20s. It's not your news to.tell.

And you certainly shouldn't use your daughter to give her uncle a lesson.

I speak as the mother of a 50+ year old gay woman. Who she chooses/chose to come out to is/was her business. Not mine.

My business was to support my daughter in whatever decision she made. She's have, rightly, been very unimpressed (understatement) if I'd told someone else about her sexuality without her permission. She's (my child and yours) not a teaching aid to be used to educate uneducated people.

Please don't call her queer. She's lesbian.

This is nothing to do with you and not your business to tell.

You're a man right?
Or neurodivergent yourself?
Don't use your adult daughter to score points.
Enjoy your brothers company.
His opinions about the school curriculum thousands of miles away does not make him phobic of your daughter.
You are being weird and intense about this.
Drop it.

I honestly would not bother.
I had an absent brother in the States. I think you are over estimating the importance of the relationship between them

I’m guessing this thread hasn’t gone in the direction the OP was hoping for

Sorry, did you say amongst all that, that your daughter is an adult in her 20s?

Butt out of her business and let her tell her uncle herself if she's remotely bothered.

That is exactly how my father explained it to us back in the 80's. You don't talk about people being straight you don't talk about people being gay because it doesn't matter

I don't think queer theory should be taught in schools. I'm bisexual.

Your daughter's sexuality is not a teaching experience for your brother. That's gross.

I think op wants to stand up for her child in tge face of potential homophobia. I get that.

I get it, actually; him rejecting all things queer (whatever that may be) implies him maybe rejecting your daughter. No one wants to feel this is a possibility. The idealised event is you telling him his niece is queer and him undergoing a damascene moment. How likely is this, though?

I would not tell him.

Especially if they have no relationship.

Please don't do this.

I totally get where you’re coming from but other commenters are right. He doesn’t need to know. This reads like this is all for you. Your daughter has no relationship with him so I doubt she’s bothered if he knows or not and if your mother already knows is there not a chance he could know already?! If you do decide to tell him I would just be straight up, no beating around the bush and then deal with the fallout. 20 years olds are unpredictable to you may find out there’s fall out on both ends. Is it worth any possible fall out with her over someone who may not even remember in a few weeks what you’ve told them?

Once again just because someone doesn’t want books like “gender queer” in schools doesn’t mean they give give two hoots about consenting adult relationships.

I don't think this is your business to tell. I wouldn't expect anyone in my family to tell me they were gay, I'd just find out when they brought a partner of the same gender home. You can't change how your brother thinks and I think there would be little point in trying too

To add to others, this is really none of your business and seems to be all about you rather than what’s best for your daughter. How would this benefit her in any way?

Also, I have serious concerns about gender ideology and the way it is being taught to young and impressionable children in schools. This does not make me “anti-trans” or “anti-LGBT”. Just a concerned parent.

No she doesn’t at all, that’s just rude. She’s invested in HER DD because she loves her & wants to protect her from her uncles’s views.

F

I am also bisexual (leaning much more towards lesbian) and think queer theory and anything LGBTBlahblahblah should be kept out of schools.

No she doesn’t. She is creating a situation to provoke some homophobia out of her brother, so she can appear to stand up for her daughter.

I don’t think many gay people really want their parents creating situations with extreme conservatives so they can prove how ok they are with their sexualityZ

op says herself, he barely visits and when he isn’t here he doesn’t think about them. It’s not going to change how he thinks because as soon as he leaves he will, apparently, put the whole family out of his head.

He doesn’t think this way because he has no gay relatives. A niece he barely knows won’t change that.

and the dds sexuality isn’t a something to score point with.

Why is this even a topic of conversation?! None of your business you sound really weirdly exercised about this. Why would you discuss your adult child’s sexuality with anyone?

What do you mean when you say your daughter is queer?

I'd speak to your daughter and see what she would like, if she would like you to have that conversation with your brother then that is something that is fine to proceed with.

Whilst no gay person should be treated as a 'teaching moment' visibility and recognition is incredibly important, otherwise we will return to the days where people feel they need to hide themselves and sexuality is seen as something to be ashamed of.