To be trying to find ways to tell my brother that his niece is queer! I really need help in finding a way that it makes it important to him.

[Wills]

I am stunningly proud and in love with my daughter so don’t get me wrong I have zero issues with her sexuality and hope she feels 100% supported (in the way that young 20+ year olds always have points to score in how as a parent you can always improve! 🤣). No my issue is that last week my middle brother came to visit our mother for the first time in 6 years. He moved to the US to marry his love just over 20 years ago. He rarely comes back - 6 years ago was for 3 days to attend our beloved godmother’s (fairy) funeral. He’s also very much on the spectrum (as are my kids, and I only mention this to say that unless something is important to him - I mean REALLY important to him - he doesn’t engage he simply doesn’t ‘see’ it and having kids like him has taught me so much. I’ve also learnt how to teach them NOT to be like this. So remembering my kids/my birthday etc went by the wayside the second he moved to the US. This is his personality and whilst it initially hurt, having had children similar to him I’ve come to terms with him and no longer resent the lack of communication etc. When, every half/decade we do come together he’s fabulous because we’re in front of him. I get this).

My issue is that my youngest brother came to see him the following evening and they got into a political discussion which horrified my youngest brother. It seems that my brother supports De Santis and believes that any mention of LBTQ+ relationships should be removed from the curriculum.

I have a single chance to tell my brother about his beautiful niece. He may well ignore it anyway. So I’m asking for help to find the best way to make him see just how stupid he is. Partially I’m doing this for him, but most of all I want to champion my gorgeous daughter (she doesn’t know her uncle’s view but she doesn’t really have any relationship with him - this is for me - I want to champion my daughter.). PS my mother has NEVER coped with my daughter’s sexuality so it’s not really surprising that my middle brother doesn’t know/understand.

Finally - it’s late! I may not answer tonight but trust me I will pickup and engage tomorrow. So I really need help! If you had the opportunity to engage with an anti trans/LBTQ+ individual (ps. I know there are more letters but I’m dyslexic and can’t do long acronyms.) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? If you had just a single opportunity to change the way they think? How would you prioritise your statement?

Am so worried no one will look at this. It’s a really fraught conversation. Thank you ahead of time for even a small response.

Is it really that important what your brother thinks?? Unless the subject comes up, it doesn’t seem crucial to tell him your daughter is ‘queer’. If he’s on the spectrum his thinking may be more inflexible than the average, and I’m not sure what would be gained.

You don’t even fully know what his views are. I don’t think books like the one @saltinesandcoffeecups showed should be in schools. That’s not being anti-LGBTQIA+.

I honestly don't mean this harshly OP but it looks like you want to essentially use your DD's sexuality to make some sort of point or argument to your brother. She deserves better, and he sounds like the sort of person that can't really be reasoned with.

Why is it my responsibility??? He’s my brother and she’s my child!!! Shouldn’t everyone champion their child and take on any bigotry they encounter?? It’s made worse when it’s someone close them as in my brother!???

Ha ha too right!

Maybe I missed it, can you point me to the post here that accused the OP’s daughter of being a pedofile? From what I’ve seen the posts have pretty much been ‘let your daughter rock on and don’t get involved“. Did I miss some posts?

Has your brother actually said the words “I hate gay people”?

Do you actually even know what your brother's views are? Rather than third party information?

Are we allowed to say queer now? Even my phone auto corrected to queen. My nan was told off for saying queer, is it OK now?

This is a good point and a reason as to why I’ve said nothing. My original post was long, including such emotions would have made it so much longer. But yes I agree. I wouldn’t take on my brother without discussing this with my child, but equally why give her the pain of a yet another individual descrimonatry point. The point being is that with a ‘grown up’ child is difficult to distinguish when you should step back and allow them to fight their own battles and when to wade in. Given that this time it’s my brother, her uncle, I felt I should wade in. But am very aware that it’s a difficult situation and many would choose not to do so.

But what's all the 'fighting' and 'championing' about.

And more importantly how does your DD feel about it?

You seem to be actively avoiding telling us whether your daughter has asked you to get involved in telling her uncle her personal business.

Can you explain the context of your use of the phrase ‘champion my dd’

Because I don’t see using your dd sexuality or identity as a debate point against your brother as championing .

I don’t see actively outing your dd to a homophobe as championing her.

It’s made worse when it’s someone close them as in my brother!???

But your brother is neither emotionally nor geographically close to your daughter. He is not part of her life, much as you wish he were.

If DD's friends are anything to go by she could be straight with blue hair and ever-changing pronouns and be 'queer'. It's a new world.

And OP all this talk of CHAMPIONING your children. Surely the world we would all actually like to see is one where consenting adults can shag whomever wants to shag them without anyone making an enormous deal out of it. When someone else's sexuality is boring, surely that's good. Your kid can decide what conversations she wants to have and with whom.

I'm getting a small smell of someone desperate to have a gay chid so they can make it all about them and how great their parenting is.

I’m still trying to find out if the uncle is homophobic

If he is a desantis fan then he’s awful. Why would you want to share your daughters sexuality with a bigot who doesn’t even know her birthday? It’s not your business to share! And why should she have to deal with a homophobe? You’ve made this oddly all about you.

I dunno, lots of young people call themselves “queer” at the moment. They are usually “non-binary”, have blue hair and are heterosexual.

Yeah, us lesbians don’t need championing or being paraded in front of homophones to make a point thanks. If you respect your daughter must ditch the loser brother

Homophobes!!

It's the opposite of championing her in my opinion.

If the OP wants a row with her brother over his views on 'queer' people, she should crack on but leave her daughter out of it.

She's a 20 odd year old woman, not a 'teaching tool'.

Really.. what age do think kids should have access to instruction on how to perform oral sex?

Good point and well made. Thank you. But[ whilst I was really aware of how I was feeling surely it was better to air my concerns on here and find the language I needed than mishandle it with my kids! Mumsnet performs many many roles and for me, today, at this moment finding the way to balance the horror at my brother’s bigotry whilst finding a way to deal with it in my own head that doesn’t lead to me believing I’ve let my child down - well isn’t that the role of Mumsnet???

This is nothing to do with you and not your business to tell.

I'm getting a small smell of someone desperate to have a gay chid so they can make it all about them and how great their parenting is.

I think this is why I keep seeing Eddie from Ab Fab in my mind

What is there to deal with? She is gay and?

If he says anything bad just say 'she is gay so what?'

Why would you choose a conversation on Mumsnet over a conversation with your own daughter???

You know, the most important woman in all of this?