Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

Bless your lovely heart. Believe me, I get you 💐. I could never get on with counselling as I couldn't cope with the emotions it trawled up- I struggled to regulate afterwards. Nothing terrible happened in my childhood. On the surface of it , I had a pretty damn good home. But I was the "scapegoat" and critisised and teased (both for physical and personality traits ) other family members including my brother would join in and I'd be utterly pounced upon if I "reacted" with anger or upset. I get the added bonus of feeling guilty when I've worded it - because I'm still mentally torn between what would be "my version" of it and "their version". I question my reality. As I do with every situation. We've got a good relationship now, lovely on some days actually. But I don't reveal anything too deep or personal and I accept the limitations. I've found that works best. It's not always easy. I made some dreadful choices in my early teens to mid twenties, I mean, really dreadful and shameful. "Bobbing corpses" come up to say hello in my head of those moments and it makes me feel gut wrenched. But it passes. You have my sympathy though: having your self worth damaged in your formative years is very pivotal and extremely hard to decondition out of. 💐One day at a time. Do some googling, so that at least you can recognise it for what it is, rather than ruminate on your mistakes, thinking that's all your problem x

Thank you x that’s all I want is to give my children the upbringing and life and love I never had and I hope they’re proud of me even if I’m not proud of myself x

If your conviction is spent then you don’t have to declare it. You say it was 30 years ago, no one was injured or killed, you did not receive a prison sentence so surely it is spent?

I can relate to every single piece of this. My mum was the ringleader and used to take my siblings into a room and whisper about me loudly and I used to be desperate for her approval and would always go above and beyond to try and make her happy with me and to stop the whispering and the silent treatment.
like you it was all aspects of me and if I reacted then I was the bad person. I was if I did or didn’t react.
it’s life altering x

It’s classed as spent and nobody was injured, killed and I didn’t crash. But I think I need to declare even spent as it says ever on the application

Which country won’t let you in for a drink driving offence 20+ years ago? Who would possibly know about that? Celebrities, politicians and other people commit worse offences all the time.

maybe your daughter would think you’re a bit gangsta mamma and cool

Your family sound absolutely horrible, and you need to forgive yourself. It was a very long time ago, you were young, no one was hurt. It absolutely does not warrant the shame you are feeling.

FWIW my mum was convicted of drink driving when I was 20 (lost her licence for 2 years), and I was furious with her - but only because it was far from a one-off, she had no excuse (unlike you) and she had no remorse whatsoever, she was just feeling sorry for herself and feeling hard done by about being "treated like a criminal", which made me angry. HOWEVER, if she'd shown one ounce of remorse I would have let it go and not kept going on about it.
And despite me feeling quite disgusted (more at her attitude than the action itself), it never once crossed my mind to stop talking to her! We still have a good relationship.

Your family's reaction is not in any way normal, IMO, and I highly doubt your daughter will be bothered by something that happened such a long time ago, long before she was born. Please, please stop worrying about it so much.

Have you ever had therapy? I really think if you haven’t, that you should try it. I hope you can find the strength to forgive yourself and stop blaming yourself for the way your family treated you - the fact that they turned their backs on you, when you needed them, says much more about them than it does you. Be honest with your daughter - it’s the first step to recovery. Best wishes to you ❤️

OP this is absolute insanity. You fled domestic violence, you didn't hurt anyone. You were desperate.
For fuck's sake I spent my youth doing far worse than this, involved with biker gangs and all sorts. I don't feel a shred of guilt.
It was my past. I'm not that person now.
What kind of shit family do you have that they disowned you at such a young age for this one thing. I'd ever abandon my DS never. No .after what he did.
It sounds ikea you've had your self esteem shredded by everyone at a young age.
Move on, drop this shame and enjoy your life. You are worthwhile. Have you considered counselling. This all seems like such a massive over reaction.

I'm so sorry this has been such a heavy burden for you. Do you think you may have been taught to feel this shame by your family and abusive ex-partner?

It might be helpful to think: if a friend did this in the same circumstances, what would you think of her and what do you think she should feel? Perhaps guilt and remorse afterwards would be useful as it means recognising she's done something that could have hurt others and she could use this to make sure it didn't happen again (as you did). But ongoing shame? That would mean thinking she is a bad person because of one poor decision under extreme stress.

It must be scary to give your daughter the opportunity to know about the DUI. Perhaps talking it through with a therapist first would help you to prepare for opening up to your daughter and help to unpick the hold your family history has on you. Sometimes we can end up feeling as if we have to be ashamed in order to prove to ourselves that we are moral enough to see our flaws. But shame just paralyses us. It's ok for good people to feel remorse instead, to use this feeling constructively and move on. Having your daughter's support may help with this too as shame is difficult to move past without others' validation and forgiveness, and you have been denied this in the past.

Your feelings sound difficult to handle at the moment, but perhaps you can use this crisis to get some proper help and no longer carry such a difficult secret.

if what you said is 100% true then you made the best out of a very bad situation and you protected yourself from further abuse. you’re lucky that you didn’t harm anyone else or yourself. If I were you and your dd is old enough to understand then I would just come clean. Sounds like it’s eating you up inside and you need to forgive yourself.

Honestly talk to your daughter. The shame needs to be removed and honesty and understanding will allow that.

Look how far you’ve come despite that abuse and toxic family.

You sound like a fab mother. You are breaking the cycle. Be proud.

How serious was the offence that you “won’t be let into some countries?”

If it was drink driving but nobody harmed and so long ago the conviction would be spent anyway.

OP you are getting good advice about your emotional state and I wish you well. In practical terms you can make a Subject Access Request to the police which will list any convictions they have on file for you just so you are certain. But no other country has access to our police records so there is no way they would know anyway plus your conviction is spent. If you were emigrating permanently there are about a dozen countries listed who would require a police certificate but I believe that even this gives limited information. Tourist visas are a completely different matter and you will be fine not declaring such a minor long ago and spent item. The visa process for China felt quite scary especially given background information requested which we needed to include (former occupation and prior travel to dangerous countries). However having filled in all the paperwork the visas were immediately issued. Apply for the SAR, get some facts. Tell your children and then you will feel the weight lifting, I doubt they will even think about it.

I went to Japan last year and have no recollection of having to declare anything. There wasn't a visa and I just flew in as normal.

OP, I went to China this year and didn't have to declare anything - there was a visa but I just can't remember a place that you would have to declare convictions at all.

I agree that you need to forgive yourself and let it go somehow. Your dd will understand. This isn't something that needs to impact your life now and if there's a way that you can work it through (with or without counselling), then I think you need to find that way.

From your post, it sounds like you hurt someone.

If you didn't, you should tell her and be honest. Drinking and driving is a terrible thing that no one should ever do, but as long as you don't do it again, it's just a very hard lesson learned.

From your post though, I'm guessing you hurt or killed someone. Families don't normally disown people they love for driving infractions, so, here we are. I'm sorry, but yeah, it's just here we are.

If your daughter is an adult, I think all you can do is come clean about what happened and go from there. I mean, if you did injure or kill someone, that person will never be free of the consequences of your actions and nor should you be (and I say that gently because you really do seem sorry and I believe you are from what you wrote). If what you did affects your relationship with your daughter, then it's another consequence and it is what it is.

If your daughter isn't an adult yet, even if she's a teen, I would wait. I would just tell her that something happened when you were younger that you're not ready to talk about so you don't want to visit those places right now, and then get yourself some counselling to figure out how to tell her.

One of my parents did something bad before I was born and it affected me for a very long time after I found out at 16 even though I never did anything. Our parents are part of us and children are very good at figuring out how everything is their fault, a "sins of the father" situation.

There's a movie from about 25 years ago called Life as a House that's interesting. It's about a terminally ill man renovating his house so he can leave it to the person he injured while driving drunk. We can never un-ring a bell, but just because we ring a really bad one once in our lives, we can still make sure we spend the rest of our lives making the world a better place.

@Hannahhanhannah
Ive read through your responses.
my first impression is I find it sad that you still hold acute shame about driving under influence. Was it wrong - yes, but you literally called the police on yourself.
I find your family’s reaction ever so weird. Yeah, I’d be disappointed for a bit, but still happy my daughter/sibling came away unscathed and got to a safe place… but a lifetime of no contact? What’s going on there. V strange behaviour.

Get some further advice about the travel.
In the meantime, just tell your daughter. I think you’re really giving this mistake in the very distant past a lot of gravitas which it doesn’t deserve.

Please op be kind to yourself, as much as you can! It sounds like You experienced trauma from both your family treatment of you and subsequent shunning and also the domestic abuse. This situation with the visa tonight is retraumatising to your mind as likely brings up all the shame and feelings re. Domestic abuse and also family abuse etc . Please try and free yourself from this shame, I feel so sad for you that you are carrying this. I hope you can plan a wonderful holiday and enjoy the time together with your daughter!

How I love a good knowledgeable, practical post like this 👏

Other countries don’t have access to UK criminal records. Just as the UK doesn’t have access to other countries internal databases. And if it’s spent, then the UK won’t disclose it, even if another country asks nicely. You can be completely and totally honest, but if a country is telling you that they don’t need to know about spent convictions, then you don’t tell them about spent convictions. You’d just be muddying the waters otherwise, and telling them you haven’t read their instructions properly. Go travelling with your daughter. Have some amazing experiences and make memories you’ll have for the rest of your life.

I think this is 10% guilt about the offence (which was shit, but if ever there were mitigating circumstances, you have them!) and 90% trauma from what sounds like a completely fucked up and dysfunctional family. I think you need counselling because this level of guilt over something you didn’t have much control over, is not healthy for you.

I feel sad that you’ve spent your adult life worrying about something so unimportant. Like others, I think you need to chase counselling about what is underlying your emotional state.
as to drink driving, my husband has 3 convictions (including 2 seaparate charges from the same day!). Long before I met him. We had a lovely holiday in Japan! Visa on entry and we just sailed through.
I do know some one who had similar (it’s way more common than you think). He wanted to go to US and had an interview. Visa granted.

Why would you even declare this to another country? They have no way of finding out about it if you don't tell them. I also had a drink driving conviction when I was very young (unlike you I had no excuse, just estimated my alcohol level wrong when driving home from a dinner). I've travelled all over, including China and USA. I never declared it to anyone.

Are you autistic, OP? I know someone who is and she would fixate on the idea of having done a 'bad thing' (and that making her a 'bad person') in the same way.

The way you talk strongly reminds me of her.

❤️ Please be kinder to yourself.
You weren't partying and decided to go for more drinks. You were protecting yourself in the only way you thought of, in the moment. No harm was done. It sounds like you're carrying the guilt of the thought of possibly killing someone. BUT YOU DIDN'T. YOU WERE PROTECTING YOURSELF. No one would have even known had you not brought attention to it. Obviously not condoning it, but your fight or flight kicked in and it got you away from immediate harm.

You know how your family are. They've fractured and picked away at you all your life. That's something THEY should feel ashamed of. You do not need to carry any weight on your shoulders now with regards to how they treat you. If it wasn't the bad bf/ drink driving, it likely would have been something else soon enough. They need to be cut out of your life by your choice. You shouldn't be made to feel like you're waiting for a crumb of decency from them.

Your child was brought up by you. You've broke the chain of toxicity your parents shared with you. She'll have compassion and love that she'll have learnt from you. She isn't your mother. She's a product of YOU and the way YOU raised her. From what I've read here, she'll treat you as gently as you've treated her. She'll accept you as you've accepted her. Please try not to add extra burden to yourself thinking she's going to push you away. It sounds like yous must be close, to want to travel together. Have faith in the child you created. It sounds like she loves you alot. There's no chance I would choose to go travelling with any of my family and they've not been half as bad as yours. That must say something about your close relationship. Stop for a moment and breathe. 💐

Is it extenuating circumstances if you were fleeing abuse-please ask legal advice about this. I'd be upset if my son or daughter drove drunk-but if they were being abused, and could have died if they'd not escaped from their ex-partner, well, I'd rather they had a conviction than that they weren't there. Haven't you ever watched a TV programme with your daughter and discussed any issue like this (was it ER which had a man drive drunk because he was desperate to get his wife to hospital?); you could talk about how these things happen in real life.