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Original poster

I want to live with my daughter abroad where I am from but my EX , her Dad is not letting me

286 replies

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:06

My ex and I separated five years ago, and we have an eight-year-old daughter.

I had to take him to court because he only wanted to be a dad when it suited him. The court has now ordered that they see each other every other weekend, and we share holidays and school breaks.

He drives 60 miles every time he picks up our daughter, and his petrol costs are deducted from the child maintenance he provides.

I now have two other children with my partner, and we are planning to relocate temporarily abroad to my home country. Living costs, especially for childcare, are very high in the UK, and we have no family here to rely on.

In our new location, I have siblings and extended family who can help with childcare. Our money will go further there, as my family owns a house we can live in, and my partner is expecting a lump sum of inheritance soon.

Neither my partner nor I will need to work anymore.

I told our daughter about our plan, and she wants to come with us.

I informed her dad, and he said he’d prefer her to live with him because he doesn’t want to lose their bond, which I understand. However, apart from following the court order, he makes no extra effort. She often ends up stuck on her gadget at his place.

Our daughter expressed her feelings to him, but he ignored her.

I have a new partner and two other children to consider, and I can’t leave her behind when she complains about being bored at her dad's. Additionally, he has a wife, a daughter, and another baby on the way. His mom also lives with them.

I know I need to apply for a C100 and take this matter to court since her dad isn't willing to compromise.

Has anyone experienced court proceedings like this? How did it turn out for you?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Iasonnas · 04/08/2024 07:20

"Yes, she is being put in the middle. But I can’t ignore the needs of my other two children and their dad (my current partner)."

You can completely ignore all of it and carry on as you are. Instead you're telling your daughter that she can go live with her dad if she wants so you can go live by the beach and give up work, funded by some poor fucker who's not even dead yet. Horrible.

4timesthefun · 04/08/2024 07:27

When I used to work as a psychologist, I’d be amazed (not in a good way) by the stories some clients had about their parents and the long-term impact on them. I always believed them but would be puzzled about how these parents exist in seemingly normal circles…. And then you come on mumsnet, where someone admits they are going to ditch their 8 year old for the beach and unemployment. It’s pretty clear there will be no approval to move AND the OP is going without the child. After all, the beach and being a kept woman cannot wait a couple of years for the daughter to have more of a voice in the process. It’s almost like some parents are hellbent on making sure therapists stay in work.

YOYOK · 04/08/2024 07:30

Emailing your ex to say she won’t need to pay maintenance looks like you’re being manipulative. I am not saying you are but that’s how it can appear.

You need to tread really carefully. You have already told your child about this too soon, emailed the ex and suggested he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance. You need advice and input from an experienced and knowledgeable solicitor.

Greytulips · 04/08/2024 07:32

She hast told her to live with her father - she’s saying she has a choice.

Kids are often more secure with one parent than the other - maybe OP has discussed the possibly of moving and letting her daughter know that she can come and move with them, but she can decide to stay - OP has said many times that if the courts rule against her then the family will stay out and she’s not abandoning her daughter.

To others just go to court and not discuss things with their children? Not prepare them?

MissMarplesNiece · 04/08/2024 07:46

Horrible emotional blackmail from OP towards her daughter. I'm in my 60s now and still resent my DM for doing something similar when I was a young teenager. It's had long term psychological effects on me that's needed therapy to try & fix (not particularly successfully). Selfish parents with damage cascading down through generations.

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 07:56

Greytulips · 04/08/2024 07:09

It’s hard being a parent and being a good one at that without people jumping into conclusions and throwing nasty words without reading properly the responses

Was that aimed at me? Because I’ve been on your side here.

thank you

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:00

I would never leave her this is I am going to court. I wanted to gauge my daughter’s feelings on the matter. I thought by saying this I was validating her feelings of maybe wanting to stay BUT everyone her is ignoring the whole context and seems be only focusing on this part

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:01

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/08/2024 06:44

I said to my daughter is she wants to live with her Dad that is okay with me as I appreciate that this decision is base on what is best for the whole family. My partner and my other two children considered.
That's a completely fucked up thing to ask your 8 year old Poor kid, both her parents are putting their new families first. You might be the parent that's doing a shit load more, but you are still putting your daughter last. It would never ever be a choice between moving for my new partner and being with my child. I hope she comes through this without major trauma.

I can't imagine how any parent thinks this is OK to put their 8 year old child through. It's not putting you younger kids needs first, it's prioritising what you and your new partner want over what is best for your daughter. As if that wasn't bad enough you went and told her she could stay with her dad while the rest of you move overseas and barley see her. Give your head a wobble because this is funking nuts and not OK on any level. What kind of parent prioritises living at a beach over their child's needs? My ex has put me through years of abuse, I wouldn't move my kids away because while I'd sleep better at nights it's not what's better for them. You chose this, she didn't.

I hope before you judge that you actually read the responses.

I believe in validating my daughter’s feelings even if it’s against what I want. I have always told her not to bottle things up and to be always honest and upfront with me. If am being horrible , to let me know. Yes I am an adult but I also make mistakes.I always remind her, I make mistakes too.

My daughter after the break up with her has learnt to bottle things up. Her Dad went on holiday for four months and said to her “You want Dad to be happy right” - This severely affected her even to the point of having sleeping issues.

And I had to work very hard the past couple of years to make sure that she stops hiding how she feels - atleast with me.

Myself, stating that she is welcome to live with her Dad is that’s what she wants- because she is still his daughter , was part of me validating any.

didistutter56 · 04/08/2024 08:02

Your responses haven’t made it seem like you’re validating your daughter at all, though. Also you’ve name changed so it’s hard to see them all.

Your DDs dad from your posts has her on a schedule but ignores her when she’s over, doesn’t contact her when she’s not with him, and spent 4 months not contacting her on holiday, but you’ve told her she can live with him if she wants?!

I have an 8 YO DD too, who was extremely affected by me and her dad breaking up, it still bothers her now over 5 years later. I haven’t so much as moved 45 minutes back to my hometown because I want her to be able to have as much as a relationship with her relatives on her dads side as possible.

You are TOTALLY prioritising your “new family”, and I feel really sorry for your DD.

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:03

didistutter56 · 04/08/2024 08:02

Your responses haven’t made it seem like you’re validating your daughter at all, though. Also you’ve name changed so it’s hard to see them all.

Your DDs dad from your posts has her on a schedule but ignores her when she’s over, doesn’t contact her when she’s not with him, and spent 4 months not contacting her on holiday, but you’ve told her she can live with him if she wants?!

I have an 8 YO DD too, who was extremely affected by me and her dad breaking up, it still bothers her now over 5 years later. I haven’t so much as moved 45 minutes back to my hometown because I want her to be able to have as much as a relationship with her relatives on her dads side as possible.

You are TOTALLY prioritising your “new family”, and I feel really sorry for your DD.

Isn’t this why I am taking the matter to court to make sure she does not get left behind? Or everyone is just totally ignoring what I am saying

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:06

in which part of the post did you get that I am going without my daughter?

my post asked if someone has experienced court proceedings like this because I am taking her Dad to court to make sure she goes with us!
Or you just ignored what I said- that clearly mattered - so you can attack me as a horrible, shitty mother?

Josette77 · 04/08/2024 08:06

What happens when you don't win and your dp moves?

Are you saying you'd stay home with three kids?

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:07

Josette77 · 04/08/2024 08:06

What happens when you don't win and your dp moves?

Are you saying you'd stay home with three kids?

We are not moving. I never once said we are moving without her. I asked if people had any experience in court proceedings like this as I am going to apply to court to take her to live abroad with us.

Josette77 · 04/08/2024 08:08

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:45

I understand this. I think everyone thinks here , this was an easy decision for me to make. It isn’t. My partner is not changing his mind in moving. As money, extended family, weather, culture and the free time we have is an opportunity he does not want to miss out on.

This was my gripe with my barrister, I was advised not to mention the potential move and just take him back to court when the decision of the temporary move is final,

You said your partner is not changing his mind.

He's fine ending his marriage and leaving his kids behind?

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:11

Well he has to stay here with us and SUCK it up. I have outright told him. He just wants to take this matter to court and if the court says no we will stay. I asked for a genuine question.

Anyone has any experience in this in court? Clearly all none. But just people throwing opinions not comprehending fully the whole reason for the post

AnotherNaCha · 04/08/2024 08:13

I feel really really sorry for your daughter being put in the middle of this and also you telling her it’s ok with you if she wants to stay with him! How do you think that would make her feel?! Unwanted and like a problem. I’m a bit worried why you would be ok with this anyway? You shouldn’t be prioritising the rest of your new family over her :(

BionicBadger · 04/08/2024 08:13

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:07

We are not moving. I never once said we are moving without her. I asked if people had any experience in court proceedings like this as I am going to apply to court to take her to live abroad with us.

Show quote history

Does your DD know that? Upthread you were telling us how you gave your 8 year old the choice and told her you’d be ok with her staying here with her dad. Poor poor kid, such a mean thing for her mum to say to her.

4timesthefun · 04/08/2024 08:13

I think people are telling you that it is very rare to gain approval to move internationally when the other parent has regular contact with the child. I just don’t think you want to hear it.

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:16

4timesthefun · 04/08/2024 08:13

I think people are telling you that it is very rare to gain approval to move internationally when the other parent has regular contact with the child. I just don’t think you want to hear it.

Have there people experienced this in court? Or have you? I actually asked for people who has experienced in court.

People are just voicing their opinions- in which they are entitled to do so.

No matter what- this matter will go to court and we will let the judge decide.

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:17

She knows we are going to court as CAFCASS would need to talk to her because of her age,

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:19

AnotherNaCha · 04/08/2024 08:13

I feel really really sorry for your daughter being put in the middle of this and also you telling her it’s ok with you if she wants to stay with him! How do you think that would make her feel?! Unwanted and like a problem. I’m a bit worried why you would be ok with this anyway? You shouldn’t be prioritising the rest of your new family over her :(

Edited

Hello.

The last past of the post - says anyone has experienced court proceedings like this?

which means, she will not be left behind as we will be going through the whole process in court.

She will not be left behind.

Thank you for thinking of her feelings though. I appreciate it

Devonbabs · 04/08/2024 08:21

Any parent willing to leave their child in a different country to go and sit in their arse on a beach isn’t a parent at all I’m afraid.

Copperoliverbear · 04/08/2024 08:22

Personally I think you should not have complained in the first place, then he would not be in your life interfering now.

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:26

Hey. I understand clearly where everyone is coming from but there are those that clearly not making reading a habit.

He will not be alienated as they video chat anytime. And she will be spending her summer holidays with him every year and we will facilitate and shoulder the trip to the UK and Back.

I am not moving to an unknown country. Our daughter was there on holiday she was 4yrs -5yrs old for 5weeks and she loved it, Always wanted to come back.

Both my parents- all my siblings are there. She has 9 cousins over there. :) this potential move has not been made easily.

I want to spend more time with my kids all of them. We now have this opportunity- we can’t waste it.

i think people don’t realise how much Pounds can further go in a different country this is why they are struggling to understand. For context, the cost 3 bedroom house in Leeds would be a 5 bedroom house with a pool where we are potentially moving,

Yuuh · 04/08/2024 08:28

Greytulips · 04/08/2024 07:09

It’s hard being a parent and being a good one at that without people jumping into conclusions and throwing nasty words without reading properly the responses

Was that aimed at me? Because I’ve been on your side here.

This is not being aimed at you at all.

Thank you for taking my corner. I appreciate it.

Everyone seems to ignoring the fact that we are spending time , effort and money to take this matter to court to make sure she comes with us. - for other people clearly this doesn’t matter .

They are so hell bent in focusing on that one “sentence” in my post