Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

I want to live with my daughter abroad where I am from but my EX , her Dad is not letting me

286 replies

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:06

My ex and I separated five years ago, and we have an eight-year-old daughter.

I had to take him to court because he only wanted to be a dad when it suited him. The court has now ordered that they see each other every other weekend, and we share holidays and school breaks.

He drives 60 miles every time he picks up our daughter, and his petrol costs are deducted from the child maintenance he provides.

I now have two other children with my partner, and we are planning to relocate temporarily abroad to my home country. Living costs, especially for childcare, are very high in the UK, and we have no family here to rely on.

In our new location, I have siblings and extended family who can help with childcare. Our money will go further there, as my family owns a house we can live in, and my partner is expecting a lump sum of inheritance soon.

Neither my partner nor I will need to work anymore.

I told our daughter about our plan, and she wants to come with us.

I informed her dad, and he said he’d prefer her to live with him because he doesn’t want to lose their bond, which I understand. However, apart from following the court order, he makes no extra effort. She often ends up stuck on her gadget at his place.

Our daughter expressed her feelings to him, but he ignored her.

I have a new partner and two other children to consider, and I can’t leave her behind when she complains about being bored at her dad's. Additionally, he has a wife, a daughter, and another baby on the way. His mom also lives with them.

I know I need to apply for a C100 and take this matter to court since her dad isn't willing to compromise.

Has anyone experienced court proceedings like this? How did it turn out for you?

Thanks.

OP posts:
ElizabethCage · 03/08/2024 22:39

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 22:36

I actually requested this thread to be deleted. I never thought that there are still people that are actually not reading.

My children are 8, 3 and under 1. I currently work 25hrs a week which means that all of them go to Nursery. So, if I have the opportunity to not work and look after my children full time without using government benefits. Is that really laziness? Or I just want to be a full time mom to my kids without sending them to nursery?

Now, that people pointed out that I basically made my daughter choose which was horrible thing to do. Thank You! this was a big mistake on my part, I called a Solicitor and they have said talk to your daughter how she feels and CAFCASS will take her feelings into consideration due to her age. I guessed I never really sat down and put myself in her shoes!

For the context, I went to court because I wanted regular contact, Court proceedings happened during COVID and it went on for around 2 years. On the final hearing, I mentioned to my Barrister that plans have changed and we are looking to temporarily relocate in a couple of years, should I mention this? She said NO. So as someone who was advised my an expert, I said ok.

By asking my daughter how she feels, I thought that I was doing the right thing. And by telling her she can live with her Dad is she wants to was also validating her feelings. Clearly it isn’t. I did tell her obviously I want to be with her if not why would I even bother taking this matter to court? With all the time , effort and money involve?

My citizenship is still from the country we are moving to. Her Dad is also a citizen there. Her Dad’s wife is also a citizen there and she has a daughter who still lives in that country.

As per previous response, he wont have to pay CM anymore and we will shoulder all the travel cost of her visiting the UK 5-6weeks every year for the next 5 years we are there.

They only see each other every two weeks for 2nights sometimes 1 night if he chooses to cancel a day, Term breaks are shared. So someone please do the maths and tell me how many weeks does that work put a year they are together? It says on CMS less than 52days a year. so 5-6weeks with her Dad once a year every summer holiday should be ok? There is facetime also on the other times

Me and her Dad grew up in that country and I really want her to experience the culture, language, lifestyle and for her to see how I grew up,

I moved here due to my parents and both are retiring next year back there.

This move is not PERMANENT! it’s temporary! Things in the UK are scaring us at this moment in time and we feel that we can give our kids better lifestyle and also learn my culture and language if we move temporarily.

We will still go to court and see how it pans out.

She is worth all the money that we may end up spending just to have her with us.

And don’t worry , if we lose , I won’t be leaving her behind, No way I can do that to my one and only daughter,

Thank you all for all the good and bad comments :) And especially to those who have been really helpful

Edited

If its for 6 years you'd be bringing daughter back to UK just in time for gcses which would be difficult as she wouldn't have been doing the curriculum or have a friendship group for support. You'd also be expecting all the children to leave friends and family and start again (again!) Is that really fair? Why is it for 6 years if you have so much support and opportunity there?

Lovingsummers · 03/08/2024 22:39

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:30

My daughter is complaining that her Dad is always busy and she is always stuck at home doing nothing. Are you all people aware that if him or me does not follow the court order , that there are consequences?

I said to my daughter is she wants to live with her Dad that is okay with me as I appreciate that this decision is base on what is best for the whole family. My partner and my other two children considered.

I understand and appreciate everyone has got opinions on this matter. What I actually asked if someone had to do this before and what was the outcome. Rather than what people think.

We have suggested she will spend her holidays in the Uk and we will shoulder the cost.

And Yes, I had to discuss it with her to know her feelings on the matter. If she’s not to hesitant in living with her Dad, I would not be asking this question.

You realise when you offered this to your DD, she will have heard that you are willing to leave her behind and go to another country? Poor kid.

Mirabai · 03/08/2024 22:40

Chichimcgee · 03/08/2024 22:36

What the parents want is irrelevant, the child comes first and you don't get to just pass her onto someone else so you can do what you want

Show quote history

It’s relevant to a thread where so many posters are expression outrage that OP might want to go back to her home country. They may want to do exactly the same in her position. Whether she would actually be allowed to is another matter.

Chichimcgee · 03/08/2024 22:41

GoFigure235 · 03/08/2024 22:38

The child does come first but it's not necessarily the case that staying to have sporadic contact with her dad will necessarily be in her best interests, as opposed to the benefits of the move. A court would weigh up all the factors before making a decision.

It's not sporadic though, it's exactly as set out in the court order, I don't think any court would allow a child to be taken abroad when they have regular contact with dad and are settled in school and everything

localnotail · 03/08/2024 22:43

I don't understand why CAFCASS are involved, Just get a good solicitor, it should be enough - and I think you should not get frustrated or upset before your properly explore all the avenues of legal process. If DD's dad seeing her twice a month only, and is not really bothered about being involved in her life otherwise you do have a chance. Especially if you are moving temporarily to a European country - just 2-4 hours away on the plane.

Sandyankles · 03/08/2024 22:44

leaving at 8 and coming back at 13 would be really tough, socially and educationally.

Lovingsummers · 03/08/2024 22:45

If you can live near the beach, lovely weather, not work and have your immediate family around you and can live reasonably well from your rental in here without having to work. Would you not also try and entertain this opportunity?

Not if it meant leaving any of my children behind. I'd accept a less than ideal life for myself as long as I have all my children with me.

Sux2buthen · 03/08/2024 22:49

As a pp said, how did you 'take him to court' to arrange access? It can't be done, it has to be the parent wanting the access not the resident one

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 22:50

Two of the younger kids will be in school age after so no more nursery fees!!! hurray! Both my sisters don’t work currently and have offered to help with childcare.

I have checked a school and checked their curriculum. it’s actually better than her, albeit more intense! School is monday-friday 8am till 4pm , also a-lot extra curricular activities involved. She will also be doing some extra lessons during summer holidays for anything she has missed in british curriculum,

I migrated her during GCSE’s that was horrible!! but I did finish my degree after so much effort.

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 22:55

Sorry, I told him if he wants access he needs to apply to court. after he went on holiday for four months without contacting her.

I wish my Barrister at the time of the court hearing just agreed to let the Judge know of out plans. My mistake. Now we have to deal with the consequences

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 22:58

this was a big mistake on my part

GoFigure235 · 03/08/2024 22:58

Chichimcgee · 03/08/2024 22:41

It's not sporadic though, it's exactly as set out in the court order, I don't think any court would allow a child to be taken abroad when they have regular contact with dad and are settled in school and everything

Show quote history

There isn't really an option for the court not to allow it unless the dad is happy to be the main parent.

If actually he just wants to maintain the contact he has, then who will look after the child the rest of the time?

The court can't make an order for the OP to stay.

LadyAnnabelsTapestries · 03/08/2024 23:01

GoFigure235 · 03/08/2024 22:58

There isn't really an option for the court not to allow it unless the dad is happy to be the main parent.

If actually he just wants to maintain the contact he has, then who will look after the child the rest of the time?

The court can't make an order for the OP to stay.

Show quote history

The court can't make an order, but in such an event is it legal for her to leave the country with DD?

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 23:02

agreed, this is why as I said we are taking the matter to court. They have 10 cousins there! Basically, my family is literally the whole village :) but yes, I would not go without her.

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 23:03

it is not. And I wont do that without her Dad’s permission or the court! I will get in serious trouble!

This is why I know this will be decided in court and if people have any experience in the matter

GoFigure235 · 03/08/2024 23:09

LadyAnnabelsTapestries · 03/08/2024 23:01

The court can't make an order, but in such an event is it legal for her to leave the country with DD?

Show quote history

No, but if the dad doesn't really want the DD full-time, I imagine he'll put her on a plane out fairly quickly.

LadyAnnabelsTapestries · 03/08/2024 23:13

GoFigure235 · 03/08/2024 23:09

No, but if the dad doesn't really want the DD full-time, I imagine he'll put her on a plane out fairly quickly.

Show quote history

Likely yes!

Sux2buthen · 03/08/2024 23:16

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 22:55

Sorry, I told him if he wants access he needs to apply to court. after he went on holiday for four months without contacting her.

I wish my Barrister at the time of the court hearing just agreed to let the Judge know of out plans. My mistake. Now we have to deal with the consequences

Thankyou that makes sense. I only asked because I have a deadbeat ex father and I wanted to make sure I'd been given the right advice! Thank you

Greytulips · 03/08/2024 23:20

iflg.uk.com/guidance/iguide-child-relocation

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 23:26

Greytulips · 03/08/2024 23:20

Reading all of this, it seems like we have a good chance.

Her Dad works 40-50hrs a week and would clearly be not her primary carer is she does live with him.

I have emailed her Dad citing every information listed in there.

He won’t also be paying us any CM and we would facilitate and shoulder the cost of her summer holidays in the UK.

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 23:33

ButtonMoonLoon · 03/08/2024 22:14

A close relative was in this exact situation.
The courts ruled against her request to move their son overseas stating that it would be to the detriment of her relationship with her Father. Her son was 8/9 at the time. Her new husband had a great job lined up in their home country overseas so it was all really difficult for a long time.

So my question would be - if this happens to you then where would that leave your marriage? Would you still move ?

Did this involve other children that are not related to the actual Dad?

Will the court take into consideration my other children too or not?

QueenOfTheNihilist · 03/08/2024 23:35

You say you have your new partner and 2 other kids to consider.., but you had your Dd to consider when you had two new kids, kids that you and your DP seem unable to afford here.

I can’t believe you even hinted to your 8 yo that you would be happy to leave her behind if she was happy with her Dad because you have the others to think about.

Poor, poor child.

What will you do if the judge says you can’t take her?

Businessflake · 03/08/2024 23:35

My children are 8, 3 and under 1. I currently work 25hrs a week which means that all of them go to Nursery.

So does your 8 year old actually go to nursery, or have you conveniently forgotten about your eldest child?

Lovingsummers · 03/08/2024 23:36

Yuuh · 03/08/2024 23:33

Did this involve other children that are not related to the actual Dad?

Will the court take into consideration my other children too or not?

Show quote history

I have no idea what the court will do but I expect they will consider the continuation of relationships between siblings (all three of them) and the father of your eldest daughter. They will decide in the best interests of the child. Usually that is the status quo, from what I understand.

cauliflowercheeseplease · 03/08/2024 23:37

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:39

Thanks Everyone.

I don’t understand how people think how I am being selfish when at the moment I work while looking after 3 children.

When we move, the kids will have me full time.

As per everyone, I am alone in this country. My family is all over there and her Dad was originally from there too. So , we thought she could also experience our culture. How we were brought up.

No one in here clearly have been to court before with this, so I will have to do it and see how it pans out.

It’s hard for the resident parent because the non resident parent could move and live abroad and there is nothing the resident parent can do to stop that.

Thanks for all your output though.

You might be alone in this country but your daughter isn't.

She will have friends at school etc and she may complain her Dad leaves her to her own devices when he has his time with her but ultimately, he's still her Dad and he's sticking to the court order that was put in place. If he was cancelling his time with her constantly then it would be understandable but he's not.