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Original poster

I want to live with my daughter abroad where I am from but my EX , her Dad is not letting me

286 replies

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:06

My ex and I separated five years ago, and we have an eight-year-old daughter.

I had to take him to court because he only wanted to be a dad when it suited him. The court has now ordered that they see each other every other weekend, and we share holidays and school breaks.

He drives 60 miles every time he picks up our daughter, and his petrol costs are deducted from the child maintenance he provides.

I now have two other children with my partner, and we are planning to relocate temporarily abroad to my home country. Living costs, especially for childcare, are very high in the UK, and we have no family here to rely on.

In our new location, I have siblings and extended family who can help with childcare. Our money will go further there, as my family owns a house we can live in, and my partner is expecting a lump sum of inheritance soon.

Neither my partner nor I will need to work anymore.

I told our daughter about our plan, and she wants to come with us.

I informed her dad, and he said he’d prefer her to live with him because he doesn’t want to lose their bond, which I understand. However, apart from following the court order, he makes no extra effort. She often ends up stuck on her gadget at his place.

Our daughter expressed her feelings to him, but he ignored her.

I have a new partner and two other children to consider, and I can’t leave her behind when she complains about being bored at her dad's. Additionally, he has a wife, a daughter, and another baby on the way. His mom also lives with them.

I know I need to apply for a C100 and take this matter to court since her dad isn't willing to compromise.

Has anyone experienced court proceedings like this? How did it turn out for you?

Thanks.

OP posts:
LizzieBennett73 · 03/08/2024 18:39

So he didn't want to be part of your child's life so you took him to court. And now you're taking him back to court because you want to remove that child from him.
Your child has a basic right to have both parents in their lives. Their needs triumph yours.

SkaneTos · 03/08/2024 18:40

Your partner is inheriting so much money that neither of you have to work anymore? Ever?
So if you don't have to work anymore, then you don't need childcare?

Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:41

I have a degree and and work I could easily come back to. Will be doing some online top up qualifications while abroad 🙃Same as partner. HGV driver. very in demand work,

OP posts:
Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:42

Hello. The lump sum is enough to buy a house in the UK to rent and the money from rent and remainder of the inheritance is enough to live on.

If we stay in the UK with the prices of everything, sadly it won’t go very far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:45

I understand this. I think everyone thinks here , this was an easy decision for me to make. It isn’t. My partner is not changing his mind in moving. As money, extended family, weather, culture and the free time we have is an opportunity he does not want to miss out on.

This was my gripe with my barrister, I was advised not to mention the potential move and just take him back to court when the decision of the temporary move is final,

OP posts:
WYorkshireRose · 03/08/2024 18:46

So if she wasn't bored at her dad's, you'd happily leave your 8 year old child behind and move to a different country? I can't honestly comprehend what kind of mother could do that. She's 8!

tribpot · 03/08/2024 18:47

My partner is not changing his mind in moving

So whatever happens, some of your children have to limit their contact with their father?

Mylovelygreendress · 03/08/2024 18:50

Why did you take him to court in the first place ? If he wasn’t that interested in being a parent , I am not sure why you pushed it .
It’s not automatic that the court will say no to a move . A former colleague’s ex wife was allowed to move overseas with their DC.

Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:51

thank you. I have accepted the many times he was late, cancelled to be picked up the next day. there was more to the story but I want to focus on this matter.

He owed me 6months worth of child maintenance but I did not chase this as it was not worth all the agro.

He never text her or call her at all when he does not see her.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 03/08/2024 18:52

I think offering to stop maintenance will be your best bet as someone previously mentioned.

DoreenonTill8 · 03/08/2024 18:52

SummerSnowstorm · 03/08/2024 18:27

Offer for him to stop paying maintenence if you go.
If he shoves her on screens and uses petrol costs to reduce CM I wouldn't be surprised if he's only seeing her to reduce CM and would agree to you moving if it stopped.

If he can deduct petrol from cm doesn't that mean op moved a distance from where they were?

tippitytop · 03/08/2024 18:52

I totally appreciate you wanting to give your kids a better life and move abroad, your reasons are very understandable but I feel incredibly sad that your daughter is stuck in the middle of all this. She is 8 and to get a child to “choose “ between her parents at this age is really not on. Court proceedings are ,after all, meant to be what is best for the child involved. Whether we like it or not, and whether the relationship breakdown is our fault or not, if we choose have a child with someone we have to live with the consequences of that choice .

thicklysettled · 03/08/2024 18:53

Please don't ask your 8-year-old child to decide with which parent and in which country she wants to live. That's a terrible burden to put on her and really inappropriate. You're the parent.

Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:53

He went on holiday abroad for four months and did not contact her at all 🙂‍↕️

he would cancel on the day and it got worst when he knew I was dating someone new.

he was very abusive and was shaming me on soc med. I was so stressed and depressed at that time that one of my friend suggested to take him to court to avoid anymore dealings with him as he has to follow the court order.

Had I known about this move, I wouldn’t have bothered with the court order.

OP posts:
RoseUnder · 03/08/2024 18:54

What happens if you just move?

Dont leave your daughter behind whatever you do. It’ll destroy your relationship and give her a lifetime of mental health problems.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 03/08/2024 18:55

He may well be a bit of a shit dad but you still probably won't win

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 03/08/2024 18:57

RoseUnder · 03/08/2024 18:54

What happens if you just move?

Dont leave your daughter behind whatever you do. It’ll destroy your relationship and give her a lifetime of mental health problems.

He could have her arrested and the DD forcibly brought back to the UK

LiterallyOnFire · 03/08/2024 18:57

I've never heard of someone taking an ex to court to force them to see a joint child more. I thought that was generally considered impossible?

Having a child "overseas" (either one partner's home country or a third country) is widely known to establish domicile and make it difficult or impossible to go home.

Which country are you currently living & taking court action in?

LiterallyOnFire · 03/08/2024 18:58

RoseUnder · 03/08/2024 18:54

What happens if you just move?

Dont leave your daughter behind whatever you do. It’ll destroy your relationship and give her a lifetime of mental health problems.

International law kicks in and it could be deemed kidnap.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/08/2024 18:58

My partner is not changing his mind in moving.

Do you mean that if you don't move abroad, your current partner will leave you and his two children with you?

Is he really worth keeping?

nocoolnamesleft · 03/08/2024 19:00

How happy would you be if the father of any of your children took that child to another country, and said it was fine because you could see them during the holidays, honest? That's how he feels.

perhapsatea · 03/08/2024 19:01

You've asked your 8 year old to choose between you? And told her, in effect, that you'd be happy to live without her. Honestly, this is so wrong.

DPotter · 03/08/2024 19:01

Your DD was born here. Her father lives here.

It's you who want to change the goal posts.

I think it was very wrong of you to ask your DD who she wants to live with -that's placing her in a very difficult position for an 8 year old, even if she does find being at her Dad's boring. I hate to think what would happen to her mental health if you moved away, such a callous move.

Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 19:03

Thank you all. I appreciate your thoughts on my daughter even if you don’t know her.

Yes, she is being put in the middle. But I can’t ignore the needs of my other two children and their dad (my current partner).

We have advised my daughter’s dad that he does not need to pay CM and also we would pay for the travel cost of every summer holiday so she can spend 5-6weeks a year with her Dad.
He can also go back there, as he has also family there and his wife is also from there and he is also welcome to spend time with her.

This is a very difficult decision and one that was made very lightly.

If you can live near the beach, lovely weather, not work and have your immediate family around you and can live reasonably well from your rental in here without having to work. Would you not also try and entertain this opportunity?

Yes, I chose to have her. No, I did not realise the Dad he was going to be . We can’t turn back time. And I had to suffer the consequences of my mistake.

But do I suffer for the next 8 years? Or shall I, give my children , my daughter included this incredible life changing opportunity?

OP posts:
candycane222 · 03/08/2024 19:03

You told your daughter you would be happy to leave her in the UK with her Dad and emigrate with your new family. I am astonished that you can contemplate this, and astonished that you have told your daughter you are willing to do this.

My DiL's mother did something similar (including with the new family) and let me tell you she still can't understand how her Mum could do this - and honestly neither can I. And your new partner is apparently completely refusing to put your eldest daughter's needs above his own desires for a better lifestyle.

I can't understand how it is that you are so wrapped up in your new partner and kids that your eldest's needs are just an inconvenience to the pair of you.

Just possibly, your ex is horrfied too. Maybe he wants what's best for his daughter and that's why he is objecting.