I want to live with my daughter abroad where I am from but my EX , her Dad is not letting me

[Yuu101]

My ex and I separated five years ago, and we have an eight-year-old daughter.

I had to take him to court because he only wanted to be a dad when it suited him. The court has now ordered that they see each other every other weekend, and we share holidays and school breaks.

He drives 60 miles every time he picks up our daughter, and his petrol costs are deducted from the child maintenance he provides.

I now have two other children with my partner, and we are planning to relocate temporarily abroad to my home country. Living costs, especially for childcare, are very high in the UK, and we have no family here to rely on.

In our new location, I have siblings and extended family who can help with childcare. Our money will go further there, as my family owns a house we can live in, and my partner is expecting a lump sum of inheritance soon.

Neither my partner nor I will need to work anymore.

I told our daughter about our plan, and she wants to come with us.

I informed her dad, and he said he’d prefer her to live with him because he doesn’t want to lose their bond, which I understand. However, apart from following the court order, he makes no extra effort. She often ends up stuck on her gadget at his place.

Our daughter expressed her feelings to him, but he ignored her.

I have a new partner and two other children to consider, and I can’t leave her behind when she complains about being bored at her dad's. Additionally, he has a wife, a daughter, and another baby on the way. His mom also lives with them.

I know I need to apply for a C100 and take this matter to court since her dad isn't willing to compromise.

Has anyone experienced court proceedings like this? How did it turn out for you?

Thanks.

Hi, she is already not with us, Bless her soul.

we are just waiting for everything to be completed but thank you for judging without clearly getting the correct information.

She will not be left behind. The whole reason for the post- is because we will be going through court proceedings and want to see if anyone have been through this. Clearly, no one has but surely there are alot of judgmental people around who would happily voice their opinions without full comprehension of the post itself :)

I don't understand this at all. How can your husband be decided? Is he going to leave you all behind if your DD doesn't go ?

Surely to make decisions you take everything into account.

How would you feel if your ex wanted to move away to another country with your child?

in which part/ did you think she was being left behind? I am taking this matter to court to make sure she comes and sits in the beach with me.
go paddle boarding if she wants to even.

It's the bit where you said to her it's ok if she wants to stay with her dad because you have to do what's best for your whole family including your other children.

It’s hard for the residential parent. The non residential parent can do as they please- yet if we do something we get so much negativity in trying to better the lives of our family.

She will not be left behind, We are applying to the court to take her with us- hence the post of asking if people have actually experience this themselves,

She will not be left behind, We are applying to the court to take her with us- hence the post of asking if people have actually experience this themselves

If she won’t be left behind why did you tell her she could be? I don’t understand your thinking on this at all.

Ah. that clearly did not came out right.

We are going through the court proceedings to make sure she can come with us :)

**

My Solicitor advised me to see how she feels about the whole move.

Apparently, at 8 years old CAFCASS takes their feelings into account. My daughter is very protective of me, seen alot of things her Dad did to me. I thought by saying this- if she has feelings of wanting to stay- I gave her guarantee that she can tell me and that it would be ok to tell me.

As per everyone’s responses, this seems to have been the wrong thing to do. But hey, we are not entitled to make mistakes right? Nearly everyone here seems to have figured out how to be a perfect parent to their children

I’m a child therapist and I can’t state strongly enough what a huge impact this is going to have on your daughter.

(And I don’t mean in a positive way)

It is hard for all separated parents who share parental responsibility. Many of us experience this. But priority for both must be that the child can continue their relationship with both until they are adults.

How much do you charge per hour? Do you want to speak to her to see how she clearly feels please? Thanks

Her relationship with her Dad will continue. All of her 6 weeks summer holidays will be spent with him.

At this moment in this , by my calculations that’s how much time they spend together or even less especially when he cancels

We are not moving. I never once said we are moving without her.

You are lying. You clearly said in an earlier post that you told your daughter you are fine if she chooses to stay with her dad. can try and find the post if you need a reminder.

I have no words. Can you begin to imagine the trauma you’ve caused your child? That her mum is happy to dump her and move to a different country?

Anyone has any experience in this in court?

Friends DD was 50/50 and she proved all the points in the link I posted and was given permission to move. Similar to OP family in the new area, his was from said area and had his family there.

Things like inviting his mother to birthday celebrations, sports days when he couldn’t make it,
having family support for the kids, when she didn’t here, schools were excellent rated, clubs and swimming lessons were available, house sorted, older DD had a place for her to, etc.

It took 9
mo this for the agreement to happen, it’s not quick you have to do your research and meet all the criteria.

People saying it’s impossible, it’s not, it’s quite common.

On the one hand you say you and your new partner/dh won't ever have to work again once he gets his inheritance, but then you say he is an HGV driver and therefore will always be in demand for work. If you don't need to work again, his earning power is irrelevant. You also say the move is temporary but again, that doesn't square with your assertion about never needing to work. If you are intending on returning to the UK, the same difference in value of money will surely apply when you return? Or are you saying it's temporary in order to get permission to move, but actually intending it to be made permanent?
Regardless, the reason people believe you intend to go with or without your DD, is because you told her she could go with you or stay here with her father. That is clearly saying that you are going irrespective of whether she goes or not.

the reason people believe you intend to go with or without your DD, is because you told her she could go with you or stay here with her father

It wasn’t ‘we’re going, you can live with your dad’ it was ‘we’d like to go, and for you to come with us, but you can stay with your father’

Why is everyone so intent on her staying with her ‘so involved’ father such a bad thing? She has two parents, one who wants her to join them and have a better quality of life, and a weekend dad who doesn’t interact with her?

If he was such a great father, he would be taking her out, going to parties on his time, arranging days out, he would have her mid week, he would make so much more effort than he is now.

I posted yesterday about a former colleague so will add a bit more information.
He and wife divorced , one child . Started off 50/50 but he then remarried , had more DC and became a bit less involved with his first DC .
Ex wife and new family wanted to move overseas to be closer to her family he said no , it went to court and she won as she proved that ex was less than reliable , very little contact between visits and the fact that she would have extended family swayed things .
He now sees his DC once a year ( his choice).
So it does happen .

At the end of the post- we are going through court with it to make sure she comes with us. Or you totally ignored this fact?

What are you going to do if you don't win at court? Are you all going to stay here?

I haven’t been through family court myself. However, I used to work in the system as a psychologist, albeit in Australia. It was rare for it to be granted when the other parent was involved, and the rare approvals were in situations much more extraordinary than not having to work and liking the beach lifestyle. I don’t believe the UK is significantly different in this regard.

It is 100% your right to take it to court. Just be aware that it will be expensive to do it properly AND the chances are low. But you are entitled to fight for what you want.

I am ever good with explaining maybe because English is not my first language.

We are temporarily moving as we are buying a 2 bed house outright and the rent for that is enough for us to live on and some emergency funds to spare.

The amount he is getting in inheritance once it’s completed is not enough for us to get a 3 bedroom house of which we all could comfortably live on. The cost of childcare is ridiculous at this moment on top of that the cost of living, I’m sure everyone can relate to this,

I have explained it very poorly, we are going to court with it to make sure she comes with us,

Hence the post if people has experienced in court proceedings.

Due to my parents working here for more than 30yrs, they have amassed alot of properties back in my home country, unfortunately totally forgot to invest in the UK . So when we move we have houses to live in and cars to use. So our cost of living will not be comparable to the way it is here now.

We plan to come back in 5 years when all kids are school age so no more nursery fees and hoping the situation in the UK improves by that time.

Don’t you all feel we are all so overworked and get less benefits in working here? Our monthly wages does not get very far. Nothing is ever free when we take the kids out.

The value of pounds stretch further where we are going. For example: rent is 3 bed houses where we are going is more than 50% of what you are paying here not that we need to rent there.

I have genuine reasons to move and not intending to alienate her at all. Video chats everyday, she is going to spend summer holidays there. Her Dad can also come home for holiday as he is also originally from there and also his current wife to spend more time with her.

This will all be going through court proceedings and can update everyone when it’s all sorted :)

OP I understand better now - and wishing you good luck.

The relocation to the country of both her parents - and thus a country your DD is also a citizen of - where her extended family (grandparents, cousins, step sister) live sounds great and in her interest.

But I also appreciate that if the court says no, the relocation will be cancelled and you’ll all stay in the UK.

And - hope this is ok to say - I suspect that as English is your second language sometimes your wording in your posts can sound a bit offhand or cold. Unfortunately many Mumsnet users take everything at the word, and don’t read between the lines, even if you are describing the gist / the summary - rather than writing a precise explanation. Some posters then make a judgement of you based on the tone of voice they hear from your writing, and when English is your second language, that might not be an accurate judgement. What I’m trying to say is that I’m sure you’re a lovely, passionate, deeply caring Mum. 🌷

Thank you. This is the answer I have been looking for! A real life experience.

YES! We are staying definitely.
I will update everyone once the court proceedings have finisher whatever the results maybe to ensure that anyone who might be going through the same predicament can know it from someone who experienced it properly