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Original poster

I want to live with my daughter abroad where I am from but my EX , her Dad is not letting me

286 replies

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:06

My ex and I separated five years ago, and we have an eight-year-old daughter.

I had to take him to court because he only wanted to be a dad when it suited him. The court has now ordered that they see each other every other weekend, and we share holidays and school breaks.

He drives 60 miles every time he picks up our daughter, and his petrol costs are deducted from the child maintenance he provides.

I now have two other children with my partner, and we are planning to relocate temporarily abroad to my home country. Living costs, especially for childcare, are very high in the UK, and we have no family here to rely on.

In our new location, I have siblings and extended family who can help with childcare. Our money will go further there, as my family owns a house we can live in, and my partner is expecting a lump sum of inheritance soon.

Neither my partner nor I will need to work anymore.

I told our daughter about our plan, and she wants to come with us.

I informed her dad, and he said he’d prefer her to live with him because he doesn’t want to lose their bond, which I understand. However, apart from following the court order, he makes no extra effort. She often ends up stuck on her gadget at his place.

Our daughter expressed her feelings to him, but he ignored her.

I have a new partner and two other children to consider, and I can’t leave her behind when she complains about being bored at her dad's. Additionally, he has a wife, a daughter, and another baby on the way. His mom also lives with them.

I know I need to apply for a C100 and take this matter to court since her dad isn't willing to compromise.

Has anyone experienced court proceedings like this? How did it turn out for you?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 19:05

I would never do this. This is why I asked if people had experience in court in which I can see NONE.

People just voicing their opinions. Might just delete the post 😂

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 03/08/2024 19:05

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 19:03

Thank you all. I appreciate your thoughts on my daughter even if you don’t know her.

Yes, she is being put in the middle. But I can’t ignore the needs of my other two children and their dad (my current partner).

We have advised my daughter’s dad that he does not need to pay CM and also we would pay for the travel cost of every summer holiday so she can spend 5-6weeks a year with her Dad.
He can also go back there, as he has also family there and his wife is also from there and he is also welcome to spend time with her.

This is a very difficult decision and one that was made very lightly.

If you can live near the beach, lovely weather, not work and have your immediate family around you and can live reasonably well from your rental in here without having to work. Would you not also try and entertain this opportunity?

Yes, I chose to have her. No, I did not realise the Dad he was going to be . We can’t turn back time. And I had to suffer the consequences of my mistake.

But do I suffer for the next 8 years? Or shall I, give my children , my daughter included this incredible life changing opportunity?

You realise that you’ve used having your immediate family around you as a reason to move, while knowing full well that taking your daughter would be removing her from her immediate family (her dad)?

In my current role I have supported a few cases like this and where one parent refuses I have never seen it granted. Nor have I heard from other colleagues of it being allowed.

BarbedButterfly · 03/08/2024 19:06

Someone I know distantly was in a similar situation and she wasn't allowed to move. I don't know the ins and outs, just that she is still here

Jumblebum · 03/08/2024 19:08

You should not have discussed this with her until you knew for that it was happening. Until you had been to court to establish the right to do it.

Asking na eight year old to choose which parent to live with is incredibly damaging. As is telling them that you will go without them.

I am rarely appalled anymore but you have handled this so badly. Your poor, poor child.

Cinnamonginger · 03/08/2024 19:09

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 19:03

Thank you all. I appreciate your thoughts on my daughter even if you don’t know her.

Yes, she is being put in the middle. But I can’t ignore the needs of my other two children and their dad (my current partner).

We have advised my daughter’s dad that he does not need to pay CM and also we would pay for the travel cost of every summer holiday so she can spend 5-6weeks a year with her Dad.
He can also go back there, as he has also family there and his wife is also from there and he is also welcome to spend time with her.

This is a very difficult decision and one that was made very lightly.

If you can live near the beach, lovely weather, not work and have your immediate family around you and can live reasonably well from your rental in here without having to work. Would you not also try and entertain this opportunity?

Yes, I chose to have her. No, I did not realise the Dad he was going to be . We can’t turn back time. And I had to suffer the consequences of my mistake.

But do I suffer for the next 8 years? Or shall I, give my children , my daughter included this incredible life changing opportunity?

If you can live near the beach, lovely weather, not work and have your immediate family around you and can live reasonably well from your rental in here without having to work. Would you not also try and entertain this opportunity?

--
oh come on now! The answer is a CLEAR NO. No way would I choose any or all of that OVER leaving my 8 yo daughter in a foreign country with a father who is not that much involved with her. Full stop.

You seem to be choosing between your 8 yo OR your new DP (and his 2 kids). Yes, that is the choice between the 8 yp vs DP. Again, no way would I choose new DP and new babies over my eldest child.

I also still need to understand why you took ex DH to court to get involved with the child and now you feel you can also simply take him to court to remove his involvement with the child. Please make that make sense to me. The judge will also be interested in hearing a clear and logical answer to this, as so far none has been forthcoming.

DoreenonTill8 · 03/08/2024 19:09

Where are you from that you can afford to support a family of 5 and never have to ever work again?!!

TinkerTiger · 03/08/2024 19:11

Yes, she is being put in the middle. But I can’t ignore the needs of my other two children and their dad (my current partner).

Are you for real? You chose to have not one, but two more children and now want to uproot your daughter who was here first for a man. You don't seem to make very good choices.

Jumblebum · 03/08/2024 19:12

And you said that your current partner will be going abroad regardless of what happens with your daughter. What a prince.

Lavenderflower · 03/08/2024 19:13

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/08/2024 18:33

I said to my daughter is she wants to live with her Dad that is okay with me as I appreciate that this decision is base on what is best for the whole family. My partner and my other two children considered.

So you basically said either you choose me or I will leave you behind. You staying in her home country where her other parent lives was not an option.

This is hard information to hear for an 8 year old.

Lavenderflower · 03/08/2024 19:14

I find it a bit odd that you describe the father as not very involved yet you would be happy to leave her behind with her father. It sounds like your daughter isn't a priority.

SkaneTos · 03/08/2024 19:14

OP, you wrote
"my partner is expecting a lump sum of inheritance soon"

Perhaps wait to make any decisions until your partner is actually in possession of the money.

Jumblebum · 03/08/2024 19:15

At least Dad seems like he actually wants her and is prioritizing her I suppose.

Thebaguette · 03/08/2024 19:16

Yuu101 · 03/08/2024 18:30

My daughter is complaining that her Dad is always busy and she is always stuck at home doing nothing. Are you all people aware that if him or me does not follow the court order , that there are consequences?

I said to my daughter is she wants to live with her Dad that is okay with me as I appreciate that this decision is base on what is best for the whole family. My partner and my other two children considered.

I understand and appreciate everyone has got opinions on this matter. What I actually asked if someone had to do this before and what was the outcome. Rather than what people think.

We have suggested she will spend her holidays in the Uk and we will shoulder the cost.

And Yes, I had to discuss it with her to know her feelings on the matter. If she’s not to hesitant in living with her Dad, I would not be asking this question.

But she is not old enough to understand how her life would be in your home country. Does she not have any friends here?

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 03/08/2024 19:20

You need to think of the future. If you are granted permission to take her and move as you want to, what happens when you want to come back to the UK and your current partner won’t give permission for your joint children to come with you?

newtomoney · 03/08/2024 19:21

Just to give you the other side to this...

My DH ex wife wanted to move to Hong Kong as her new husband's work had posted him there . She instigated proceedings in the family court to get permission to move them there.

We (self represented ) opposed the move. She spent £24k on barristers. At the time the children had spend EOW with their dad and had an 'effective relationship'. Our contact had to be gained from the court via a CAO.. (yes before you ask I was the OW but we have been married for 23 years). .

The judge opposed the move as the relationship with kids and dad could ' not be effectively maintained in the way it is now' ..

Cinnamonginger · 03/08/2024 19:22

@Yuu101 If the judge rules that the current arrangement is ti remain until she is 18 year i.e you resident parent taking her to school in Uk and he seeing her as now, what will you do?

As your new DP will move abroad without you. will you Separate from him? Have you asked if he is willing to take the 2 DC with him or they will remain behind? Discussed CMS payments with new DP? If I were you, I would start that discussion now as it looks like the court will be making a choice for you (for 8 yo) and rightly so! Yes, I know which way the judge will rule this!

And it is at times like this, I applaud independent courts who make these decisions on behalf of poor kids like here.

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2024 19:25

So he's a shit dad but you're happy to leave her with him while you and your new DP and kids go live the perfect life. And you actually told her this! A young child who's already been through so much upheaval. What the fuck.

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2024 19:30

And none of this sounds temporary at all, if life is so great there why would you come back? If you leave her behind for the sake of your new family you will probably ruin your relationship for life.

Use the inheritance to improve your life here. If your partner isn't willing to consider your DD at all then unfortunately you've picked another bad one.

JimberlyJo · 03/08/2024 19:30

If you can live near the beach, lovely weather, not work and have your immediate family around you and can live reasonably well from your rental in here without having to work. Would you not also try and entertain this opportunity?

All sounds perfect. Why did you leave such an amazing place to come and live in the horrible rainy miserable UK?

Mama1980 · 03/08/2024 19:31

I've never known permission to be granted for a move like this unless abuse is involved or the other parent eventually agrees.
By your own admission he's a pretty crap dad, yet you're happy to let her stay behind and live with him? Why is that?

RightOnTheEdge · 03/08/2024 19:32

What will you do OP if a court orders that you can't take your daughter? Will you leave her behind?
You said your partner will go whatever, will he leave you and his children here?

VJBR · 03/08/2024 19:37

It sounds like it’s all about you. You are willing to let your daughter live with her father so you can bugger off to your new life with your new family. Or you want to take her away from her dad. You fought for him to spend time with her and now you want the opposite. Poor child having such a selfish mother.

ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 03/08/2024 19:39

You told your daughter it would be fine if she stayed, and you moved? What on earth are you talking about? There is no amount of beach, lovely weather, not work that would move me to leave my 8 year old behind.

GoFigure235 · 03/08/2024 19:41

The reality is that you'll be able to go unless her dad is prepared to be primary carer. Any court order would apply to your DD not you. So you can always chance that your ex won't bother to take it to court, but it's a bit of a gamble.

DoreenonTill8 · 03/08/2024 19:44

RightOnTheEdge · 03/08/2024 19:32

What will you do OP if a court orders that you can't take your daughter? Will you leave her behind?
You said your partner will go whatever, will he leave you and his children here?

Both op and current dp sound fantastic parents, both happy telling their dc 'if I don't get what I want, fuck you, I'm off'.