I want to live with my daughter abroad where I am from but my EX , her Dad is not letting me

[Yuu101]

My ex and I separated five years ago, and we have an eight-year-old daughter.

I had to take him to court because he only wanted to be a dad when it suited him. The court has now ordered that they see each other every other weekend, and we share holidays and school breaks.

He drives 60 miles every time he picks up our daughter, and his petrol costs are deducted from the child maintenance he provides.

I now have two other children with my partner, and we are planning to relocate temporarily abroad to my home country. Living costs, especially for childcare, are very high in the UK, and we have no family here to rely on.

In our new location, I have siblings and extended family who can help with childcare. Our money will go further there, as my family owns a house we can live in, and my partner is expecting a lump sum of inheritance soon.

Neither my partner nor I will need to work anymore.

I told our daughter about our plan, and she wants to come with us.

I informed her dad, and he said he’d prefer her to live with him because he doesn’t want to lose their bond, which I understand. However, apart from following the court order, he makes no extra effort. She often ends up stuck on her gadget at his place.

Our daughter expressed her feelings to him, but he ignored her.

I have a new partner and two other children to consider, and I can’t leave her behind when she complains about being bored at her dad's. Additionally, he has a wife, a daughter, and another baby on the way. His mom also lives with them.

I know I need to apply for a C100 and take this matter to court since her dad isn't willing to compromise.

Has anyone experienced court proceedings like this? How did it turn out for you?

Thanks.

You asked your daughter if she wanted to live with her dad, knowing her dad neglects her? Why would you do that?

As for you and your partner giving up work to spend his inheritance - I don't understand that at all. The previous generation worked hard to make your partner's life better, not for him to stop work!

I feel desperately sorry for your daughter, even more so as I have a son who is 7. I couldn’t imagine giving an option to my child for her to live in a different country to me. How unloved she must feel, especially with how she’s already told you she doesn’t feel taken care of at her dads.

From a legal point of view, he should apply for a Prohibited Steps Order and the judge will decide whether that is reasonable. It will be based on what is right for your daughter. I would suggest you consider mediation first if your Co-parenting relationship is OK normally. You can thrash out the issues there. I would do that first. This is an awful lot of responsibility to put on a young child.

I’m not in the UK but I have a friend who has child (10) with a man there. All she wants is to move back home where her family and friends are. But she can’t. I also have a relative who was not from the UK but had children there and then divorced. He moved back to NZ without his children, his choice. The children, obviously, never forgave him.

What would your current partner do if you said you wouldn’t move because you need to stay with all your children?

Yet another OP who doesn’t know what the word compromise means. You seem to have it confused with getting your own way entirely.
You made your decision to start a family in the UK with a British man and now you want to change the terms drastically to the detriment of your daughter having any relationship with her father. This is a far worse crime than plonking her on her iPad at weekends from time to time.
You seem to just be trying to justify on Mumsnet doing something truly terrible.

100% this. Unbeliviable how she could do this.

Blimey, you’re not coming across very well, very entities and aggressive.

Numerous people have posted that from a legal perspective you are unlikely to get to just move abroad. It would be interesting to hear the Fathers perspective.

If you want experience of someone in this position I don’t think legal matters is the best place and you might want to ask MN to move to relationships

I disagree with the main thrust if opinions here. I can see you have very compelling reasons to move. It sounds like your daughters quality of life would be better. It is the country of part of her cultural origin. She has extended family (maybe cousins close in age?) if you chose not to work she would have you more of the time.

I think if your ex also comes from the same country and culture with relatives living out there, she has access to her father's family. Do his parents live there? Then she has the opportunity to have a stronger relationship with them too and as you all share the same culture your daughter's life will be familiar to your ex as opposed to you moving to an entirely different culture/language etc.

I personally think as resident parent you should ultimately trump the wishes of the father here provided you do everything possible to facilitate an ongoing relationship - paying for holidays, zoom meetings etc.

I think the fact women are often left doing 80% of the work of childrearing, but then obliged to have to go 50% on decision making is a bit rubbish where it can be priven the child will still have some relationship with the father and the home life is good. That said how is your current partner with your daughter?

Legally I would cite every positive. But it doesn't look likely and I think that's unfair. Perhaps plan a short holiday and come back, so your daughter has a flavour of what she would be moving to.

Your best bet is to try and get the father to agree.

Let me get this straight- your new DP, he's moving abroad - is that with or without your joint DCs if you stay in the UK??

Genuine question, what will you do if the court refuses and says she can't be moved abroad (which is the overwhelmingly most likely outcome)?

You say your current partner plans to move no matter what, so what happens with him and your other two children? Will you and he separate, or will you genuinely leave your 8 year old child behind and skip off into the sunset with your new family?

Your ex and daughter have an established relationship, your opinion on his parenting is irrelevant.

If he doesn't agree to the move, there is no way that a judge will side with you and permit you to move your daughter abroad against her father's wishes.

My family is all over there and her Dad was originally from there too.

I do not have experience of court proceedings when advising court that you are leaving the UK and want your daughter with you abroad.

But surely the comment you make above should support your case?

If your daughter's biological father is from the same country, is there not any extended family that live nearby yours that he is keen for her to meet/be part of her life?

Could this not be a great opportunity for your ex husband and his new family too? It's not like it's a random country, it's where he is originally from as you said so he has a strong connection and could you argue that it's both sides of the family that this move is hoping to reconnect?

I appreciate that her paternal grandmother lives here with her dad as you've said in your post, but is there not others? Does her grandmother or dad not visit the country regularly anyway?

DF went to court.

You have to consider everything from her point of view.

Family connections, life style, have you looked into schools, what hobbies like dance classes etc are available in the area you want to move to:
What the impact would be living with her father - like moving schools, etc
You also have to consider how much her DF has to how much he will have -

Dont being money into this - the father still pays maintenance as he should and they pay half for court ordered contact but full of it’s extra. They have FaceTime calls 3 times a week. Half the holidays - split Christmas swapping each year etc

They also share schools costs and uniform etc

Do you mean how easy would it be for the DD dad to visit her ?

Because if the Op moves the child away then the OP should be doing ALL the travelling to the UK to facilitate contact

Unless the Dad says "Oh I;ll come over to you and have a holiday/break with my daughter"

Oh she won by the way - fathers saw her once and hasn’t bothered since, he still pays, but can’t be bothered.

The daughter has a right to her father. The father has a right to his daughter. End of.

Face Time isn’t good enough.

I can’t believe you asked your daughter that! Not only is she far too young to be given any sort of life changing decision like that, the mere act of her main provider and caregiver - her mother who she loves - saying it’s ok for her to go and live with the person she’s just complained about not giving her what she needs, and who she only sees for four days a month, is utterly cruel.

I’m an adult, and I could barely cope with feeling so throw away. Your poor, poor daughter. With all these new children in her parents lives, and the only one shuttled about, she must feel so disposable. Especially when her own mother asks her a question like that.

You really need to rethink your actions. They’re horrible.

I agree with this. When you have a father who does as little as this dad does, their relationship is only one (not necessarily very strong) factor to be weighed in determining what is in your DD's best interests. And it won't necessarily trump all the advantages of the move if he takes the matter to court.

Your current partner would move to your home country without you?

I don’t think there will be many parents
familiar with this process who can offer advice. Very few parents would even consider a move to another country, when their child has current, regular contact with their nrp.

Think about who takes her to doctors dentist school’s plays sports day etc they all have some sway.

The daughter has a right to her father Absolutely - nobody is saying otherwise - bit this is an opportunity for her to improve her life - they need to find ways to ensure a long distance relationship.
She also needs to soccer ice her own culture - her father is from the same place, her will have family there, she can see her fathers side as well as her mothers.

He can visit with his wife and new children I’m sure his wife has family too.

IF daughter stays on a court order, you can then say she has a right to see her mother and the arrangements will be the same, holidays, Christmas, etc -

Life changes - the courts will take everything into consideration.

The daughter is very young. Her relationship with her dad might improve and she might need him more when she is older. I’ve seen it happen, a father who was prepared to give up his 7-year old son because it was what the mother wanted and the mother spoke so badly of the son’s father to him. We convinced him not to give up.

Now the son is 25 and he has the best relationship with his dad. The best. His mum, not so much anymore.

What happens if the dad says he just wants the status quo? A few days a week and half holidays? He may not want his DD full time (sadly).

So a court could make you stay here to look after your DD? So you might not be able to go even if your new DP and DC want to?

Am I missing something here?

I can’t believe you told your 8 year old you’d be happy for her to choose her father and you’d go away without her, disgraceful.