In court for ABH because I snapped

[18Floral]

I had a mentally abusive partner for 4 years, paired with his teenage kids who hated me and his ex wife who detested me. Added to this I was already set up as the mad woman with his family(I was honest and told him of a previous mental breakdown).

I'm due in court on Thurs and cannot get legal aid, even though, this is becausec of them and their actions, I am now homeless, living in emergency accommodation. All I did was throw a plastic bin that hit him in the head. Immediately the police were called, as if it were all planned to get me out of the house (strangely a joint tenancy).

How do I go about proving their lies and malice, spite and vindictiveness for which I have no understanding where it came from?

His kids told everyone I was vile and horrible, when the worst I did was say no to them. These kids have no boundaries and their parents moddycoddle them.

I have given these kids a lot in terms of time, love and money, but nothing worked.

Advice please?
Thanks

Perhaps the OP has bail conditions not to return the property and contact the other party??

It isn't really a big deal. You might get a fine or community service at the worst. But stand up for yourself and try get a not guilty verdict

Go to a Citizen's Advice, they might be able to signpost you to legal representation (often to a solicitor that offers the first 30 minutes free) and help you with your living arrangements.

I real feel for you OP, it sounds an awful situation.

But please don't minimise what you did - you are in court due to your own violence, not "because you snapped".

You are an adult, you had choices, and this is what you chose to do. Not a child with no agency, and it sounds like you don't have children with your abuser fortunately so you didn't have additional reasons to stay.

Hopefully Women's Aid can help you.

He was abusing her. Big deal if she threw a plastic bin at him

I don’t think many people can advise if they haven’t been in this situation. Going forward the answer would be to get some therapy and remove yourself from a situation you’re unhappy in. I.e move out, it sounds toxic all round. Woman’s aid have a chat you can message.

Was it one of those very cheap plastic bins like this?
https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/sunnersta-container-light-pink-60556181/?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw4ri0BhAvEiwA8oo6F1MwtgKxlp4cnJldzjtQVy9FwagUXxCYB9TJ05Z9hMt_LEd0DkFNQBoCuPUQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Because that wouldn't have risked much injury.

If I lobbed my Brabantia at someone's head that would obviously be a different matter but you do say it was plastic.

Would you be as dismissive if the sexes were reversed?

Throwing missiles is generally considered quite a big deal, actually.

Quite a big deal if the OP gets a criminal record. Also, no guarantee of just a fine. A family member did a similar thing and caused a (not serious) injury - ended up nearly going to jail got a suspended sentence due to no previous record but with a different judge on the day could have been jail time.

Yeah and imagine calling the police over that

When are people going to put hands ✋️ up and say fucking hell I shouid of left years ago...

That's not how the law works. He could be sent down for abuse and OP could still be charged with ABH. One thing doesn't cancel out the other.

OP, tell the truth, and ask every professional you are involved with how you can access support. It's shit, your situation, and I have sympathy for you, but you need to accept that you threw a bin at him, he didn't force you to do that, and it's illegal. The reason you felt you were pressured was because you have felt pressured to stay in an abusive relationship, to the point where you've exploded. Take responsibility for your actions. Note the gulf between responsibility and blame: responsibility looks forwards, at what you do next. Blame looks backwards. The abuse is his fault, not yours. The reason you stayed with him will be to do with a fault in your upbringing. You've never been taught better, so how could you know? But going forwards, you know what a state abuse can put you in, and you can ask for support to avoid ever being in that situation again.

Looking back, take responsibility for the crime you're accused of, and nothing more. Looking forward, take responsibility for ensuring that you never put up with ongoing abuse again.

Sorry but your question about why didn’t you leave is a common one faced by abused people and is a type of victim blaming.

Relationships are complicated and some people don’t have the emotional or practical resources to get away.

It comes down to provable facts. He can prove and you have no doubt admitted to throwing a bin at him. Now you are asking how you can prove provocation? I would say you can prove it through witness accounts, written communication, a truthful telling of what led up to the event. You are going to court. Time to get your evidence in order.

People on this thread need to understand reactive abuse.

While many victims do eventually reach this point, this is another form of victim blaming. As I said in another post, relationships are complicated and victims often don’t have the emotional and/or practical resources to leave.

Well said.

Why?

You have posted before
I recognise your situation
They had been trying to get you out of the house for a long time
But you said that the house was owned by you and they were leaving not you
So how have you ended up homeless when you own the house

You need to get legal advice. You can try women’s aid for advice if you are saying that your relationship was abusive. Also consider a McKenzie friend but understand that they are not the same as a solicitor.
Have you reported him/ them for violence against you previously?
You will be able to say what you have said here, that you got angry and snapped because your boyfriend and his family didn’t like you, but you will probably be asked why you didn’t leave the relationship prior to the incident.

I’m not a solicitor but the bits of your post that jump out to me are “I'm due in court on Thurs and cannot get legal aid, even though, this is becausec of them and their actions” and “These kids have no boundaries and their parents moddycoddle them.” The former suggests a lack of responsibility and acceptance that you caused someone injury by hitting them in the head with a bin that you threw. That doesn’t go down well at Court. The latter suggests an issue which put the rest of the family at loggerheads with you regarding your criticism of their parenting. It also suggests an air of indignance which doesn’t support your claim of being bullied and broken down.

I was 17 with a 30 year old who'd groomed me I can't comprehend being abused for years... it took me 3 weeks of psychical abuse to say actually fuck this it's not victim blaming what I'm saying it there's something in themselves that tolerates it and unless they acknowledge that they are open to being used/abused again.

Your other threads involve your relationship with this man and his family. Contact Women's Aid and get support

There are some dreadful posts on here that have no conception of abuse, defences and mitigation. Op is an abused woman. Stop blaming the victim.

Well said! So much victim blaming on this thread from people who have probably never suffered domestic abuse in their life! Abuse victims are abused so much to the point they no longer recognise themselves or their actions. The abuser constantly taunts their victims every single day, controls them, restricts them, isolates them, even violent to them until it drives the victim almost mentally insane.

Imagine in a playground of school bullies constantly taunting their victim and the victim finally snaps. That’s the situation the op is in now.

Not great to throw a plastic bin, no! But I doubt if op had been in the right headspace/ mindset then she probably would never have done it. But she isn’t in the right headspace, she is probably a shell of her former self.

Op my advice would be to seek legal advice and support. Speak to women’s aid too. You need to hammer it home that you are being abused. Accept responsibility, explain that you know it was wrong but it was down to the fact you just couldn’t take it any longer.