In court for ABH because I snapped

[18Floral]

I had a mentally abusive partner for 4 years, paired with his teenage kids who hated me and his ex wife who detested me. Added to this I was already set up as the mad woman with his family(I was honest and told him of a previous mental breakdown).

I'm due in court on Thurs and cannot get legal aid, even though, this is becausec of them and their actions, I am now homeless, living in emergency accommodation. All I did was throw a plastic bin that hit him in the head. Immediately the police were called, as if it were all planned to get me out of the house (strangely a joint tenancy).

How do I go about proving their lies and malice, spite and vindictiveness for which I have no understanding where it came from?

His kids told everyone I was vile and horrible, when the worst I did was say no to them. These kids have no boundaries and their parents moddycoddle them.

I have given these kids a lot in terms of time, love and money, but nothing worked.

Advice please?
Thanks

Ha, yes, there isn't a magistrate or jury in the land that couldn't be swayed by that.

All abusive people claim they just snapped. It's how they justify it. "Look what you made me do." I'm not saying OP was the aggressor or abuser throughout the relationship, I don't know. It's possible they were both abusive, or she was subjected to years of abuse and finally reacted. I think at this point it's for a court to decide.

I assume at this point OP is talking about her initial appearance at a magistrate's court where she will enter her plea. I suspect she won't get off with absolutely no consequences as it doesn't sound like it was in self defence to an immediate threat and people get done for reactions to provocation all the time, but I'd imagine the circumstances would be taken into account. IANAL though. She needs proper expert advice sharpish; talking to Citizens Advice is a good first step.

Have you ever called the police o n him?
If so get records.
Do you have texts from him abusing you?
Print them out.
Did anyone else apart from his family ever see or hear him abuse you?
Also plead self defence.

Keep your answers short in court volunteer no information.
Stop all bills your paying.
Get rid of join accounts.

I have suffered very very briefly from dv, to the extreme I'm talking being held captive with a newborn baby at 17. And I stand on it 90% of the issue Is the abuser but there was apart of myself and all victims that was dispositioned not to exit quicker and to of not heeded the red flags immediately and it's important to acknowledge that or a few years later... you couid find yourself in a fresh cycle.

@18Floral

Are you really sure that you wouldn't qualify for Legal Aid?

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/criminal-legal-aid-means-testing

Who will be representing you on Thursday, there must be someone, surely?

Are you in a position to ring a solicitor local to you today for further advice?

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Have you applied for legal aid? Did you fail legal aid test on means? You would pass on merits. If first time in court speak to the duty solicitor, it's free. They can then give you proper legal advice not randoms on internet, much of which is wrong. That will include advice on venue, which may influence whether legal aid is granted.

unfortunately it’s not easy for any abuse victim to leave earlier. They only realise they should have left earlier when it’s too late. Some are trapped in abusive relationships due to them having no money, no support, no family.

Im so sorry that you went through such a horrific situation at such a young age. That must have been an awful situation for you.

It's not that straightforward.

Just be completely honest about the situation. Take ownership of what you have done but in context.
Any character witnesses?
Anyone else support your evidence of abuse or any text messages etc.
Surprised you can't get some sort of support - woman's aid, citizen's advice?
If you are on the tenancy, you need to let the letting agency know what has happened.
Whilst this is not a good place to be, it sounds like you have had a lucky escape. Get through Thursday, get support and move forwards with your life.

If a man threw a bin at a woman after years of abusive, I would absolutely sympathise with him.
Op - I've been in the mag court and it's not as terrifying as you might expect. You'll be tested with respect. Be polite, look smart etc.
Can you take character statements? Look into that.

Because yourself, a family member or a friend could be in this situation at one point and the lack of understanding and victim blaming puts them at risk from the perpetrator and would be very emotionally damaging. The knock on effects from abusive relationships are endless including suicide, removal of children, loss of home. People need to understand so the victim blaming and insensitive comments can stop and we as a society can reduce domestic abuse which will in turn save lives. It will prevent children experiencing trauma from witnessing abuse and for some being taken into the care system. It will reduce the cycle of abuse. It will reduce the knock on effect domestic abuse has on society such as use of police time, use of NHS for physical injury and mental health, antisocial behaviour and unemployment. It really is a huge issue that impacts us all in some way.

Thank you 🙂 but genuinely there's millions of women who'd of Said F this at the first signs of mental abuse/control so I held my hands up and acknowledged he seen vulnerability or that my own boundaries wasn't high enough and I've never ever had a problem since. I learned and grew 💯 but if we don't recognise that we fall victim again and again. I've seen a family member go through several dv relationships eventually I thought 🤔 Why? At that stage its a choice. I'm only saying she shouid reflect on why she put up with this

OP has started quite a few threads in the same vein, yet rarely replies.

Maybe she's reading, but I'd be wary of spending too much time advising.

Hi all,
We have moved this to Legal Matters where the OP might find more specialist advice.

There’s a whole load of psychology behind the reasons why people just end up in the same cycle. My younger self didn’t have the best upbringing and were never taught any clear boundaries and so I would let people override my boundaries over and over again.

My older self however recognises the red flags straight away and will no longer tolerate it. The only reason I learned to recognise the red flags was due to the professional support I received when I left my abusive relationship otherwise I would probably have been sucked into the same cycle again and again

I find it difficult to believe OP would have been charged with ABU if it was a simple case of throwing a little plastic bin at a grown man. The police are busy - they wouldn't go ahead with charges for something trivial. They also look at the wider picture. Have they been called to your property previously to deal with domestic issues when one or both of you 'snapped'?

It was entirely predictable that people would start minimising OP's violence, stating that the 'D'P deserved to be assaulted because he drove her to it and dismissing anyone who questions the OP's behaviour as victim blaming.

It is not ok to physically harm someone because they said cruel things to you, their children and family disliked you and they were vindictive. It is ok to protect yourself and hurt someone in self defence. OP, if that is what happened then make that case.

I understand and have experience of this kind of man. Google reactive abuse, it took me years to understand what my ex was doing to me, they know they're doing it and wind you up and goad and criticise you until you snap.

My ex used to do this them calmly film my reaction and narrate over the top of it that I was a psycho, having "another meltdown". In the midst of this type of abuse, you often dont even know whats happening to you, and many women even start to believe they are the ones at fault.

The police explained to me that what he was doing to me was coercive control and reactive abuse. It's more common than people realise and is incredibly manipulated. Of course throwing a bin at someone isn't great, and nobody is defending that, but you need to show the court the bigger picture and put that one act of yours into context to show how his actions led to this.

I used to use the analogy of a frightened and tortured animal ... Even the most gentle pet will attack if continually maltreated and abused, please get yourself away from this monster, he knows exactly what he's doing to you and will be getting off on this. Best of luck lass, I could have easily ended up where you are right now, so zero judgemental from one who understands x

Can people stop saying the duty solicitor will provide advice on the day - they will only do so if it is a sentence that has being a meaningful chance of being custodial

please just google and it will confirm

The right to see the duty solicitor applies equally to those defendants who are in custody or on bail, but the right is not unlimited – if the defendant is on bail and is charged with an offence that does not carry a sentence of imprisonment the duty solicitor is not permitted to act.

All these people on here who say he could have been seriously hurt - you're being ridiculous.

Taking this side is exactly why victim blaming happens. Because this person has put up with years of mental torment and abuse and they do one small thing and suddenly they're the worst person ever. They were obviously provoked.

@JLou08

I understand your point, but with respect, OP didn't post to alleviate society from those problems. She posted because she was in a particular situation and threw a bin at someone's head, and needs advice. The bin throwing may well have been reactive abuse, but understanding that, at this point, isn't the issue. Attacking someone reactively is still attacking someone.

How would you know that it would not cause an injury? A family member did a similar thing snapped and hit their partner with a plastic bin after many years of emotional abuse and it shattered and caused a flesh wound to the scalp. They nearly got jail time. You just don't know what will happen.

I do sympathise with the OP as I did my relative - but it was their hands that threw the bin, as it was relative's, and unfortunately in this country unless you can prove reasonable force in self defense, that is a crime.

If you’ve been charged with actual bodily harm you must have hurt him.

She still assaulted him and caused injury.

@greenpolarbear

All these people on here who say he could have been seriously hurt - you're being ridiculous

You don't have any more facts than the rest of us, so you can't know this. A person can be seriously hurt by standing on their shoelace whilst walking. There doesn't need to be a dangerous weapon involved for serious damage to be done.

Sorry just rushing through thread didnt see if anyone had posted this:

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Good helpline:

Would anyone ask a man this?