In court for ABH because I snapped

[18Floral]

I had a mentally abusive partner for 4 years, paired with his teenage kids who hated me and his ex wife who detested me. Added to this I was already set up as the mad woman with his family(I was honest and told him of a previous mental breakdown).

I'm due in court on Thurs and cannot get legal aid, even though, this is becausec of them and their actions, I am now homeless, living in emergency accommodation. All I did was throw a plastic bin that hit him in the head. Immediately the police were called, as if it were all planned to get me out of the house (strangely a joint tenancy).

How do I go about proving their lies and malice, spite and vindictiveness for which I have no understanding where it came from?

His kids told everyone I was vile and horrible, when the worst I did was say no to them. These kids have no boundaries and their parents moddycoddle them.

I have given these kids a lot in terms of time, love and money, but nothing worked.

Advice please?
Thanks

Look what they made you do

I'm glad you understand the point 🙂 and recognised that you needed to reach out for help. I came out of my situation so much stronger it absolutely changed my life/boundaries/m still to this day I won't stand for any bs at all lol x

People aren't being ridiculous, you can't just walk into court say I was abused and it magically goes away. OP will have to prove the abuse to the judges satisfaction, which can be very hard. Hopefully she has spoken to police or SS over the years. If she can't prove what happened this could have a very poor outcome for her. It doesn't really matter what anyone here believes, it matters what the judge on the day believes and whether she takes the correct approach to pleading and taking responsibility. INAL so I couldn't say what the correct approach is, but I certainly wouldn't be saying its all fine because they were obviously provoked and giving the impression they don't need to worry because we have no idea how this will go on the day. You're very naive if you think the courts are on top of DV and reactive abuse and that DV victims never get screwed over by the court because they certainly do.

Perhaps the OP has bail conditions not to return the property and contact the other party??

This has nothing to do with the question. She may not be allowed back, but if she is not living or going to live there she needs to make sure that she is not liable for the rent.

Good grief.
Ten years ago this would have been seen as a sign of a really annoying man asking for it. When I was a young man, having something thrown at your head merely meant se had a bad day at work.

@Sweden99

Sounds shit for you. But what's the relevance? It's not 10 years ago. You're no longer a young man. It is not ok to throw a bin at someone's head.

Write a statement and ask if you can read it to the court. Or hand it to the magistrate/s ( assume it’s no higher than this)
Write it then rewrite and rewrite until it is :
Factual. This is essential. List occasions on when you were verbally or emotionally abused. Put dates, places, who was present. Do not put emotion in at this point.
X called me a xxxxxx in front of Y.
X refused to give me money for food for himself and his children. That sort of thing.
If you refused sex for example or were unwilling and he insisted do not be afraid to include that.

Then a paragraph about how this treatment made you feel.
Threatened? Vulnerable? Abused? Scared? Belittled?

You can conclude with you have never assaulted anyone previously ( as long as that’s true).

Make sure it is grammatically correct, neat as you can get it.

Good luck. I put up with 5 years of abuse I know how it makes you feel. I honestly used to wish he’d drop dead for it all to just stop.

Later contact Women’s Aid and get as far as you can away from him.

The problem is there's reactive abuse, and then there's the law.
The OPneeds to see a lawyer really but IMO the worst thing she could say is "yeah, I did it but it's not a big deal because..." If you plead guilty you need to show remorse - that includes not just acknowledging that you did the thing but also that you made a conscious decision to do the thing. "I felt angry so I decided to deal with that anger by throwing a bin. I did not mean to hit him but I acknowledge that my decision to throw the bin caused him to get hit. This was the wrong decision". You can bring in mitigating factors sure. But it is still a conscious decision that needs to be acknowledged.

There are cases when people don't make conscious decisions - psycosis, or fight or flight responses, but then you wouldn't be pleading guilty(fight or flight would prob be a self defense situation).

My ex kicked a bin across the room in my direction, sending rubbish flying everywhere and denting the oven when it hit.

It was terrifying. i called the police and he was arrested. I’m sure he minimised it and blamed me for whatever led up to it, but the fact remains he became physically violent - it was spoken of as common assault because although nobody was injured it was threatening and damaged my property. All the evidence was there, including a text from him apologising for breaking the bin but he wasn’t charged, so you’re unlucky that it’s gone this far tbh.

The reactive abuse line is all well and good for describing how it happened to yourself or in therapy etc but in court it sounds a lot like “he made me do it”, which is both untrue and unfair. Yes you may have snapped after many years of abuse but if you’ve never reported any of that it’s just your word against his.

I think you need some proper legal advice on the best way to approach it - you may need to get a credit card to pay for it but the impact on your future is worth spending a few hundred (or thousand? Sorry I have no idea how much legal advice will cost in this situation) because it could go on to affect your earning potential etc so make sure you get proper advice rather than relying on mumsnetters who have never been to court for something like this to say what you should admit to.

There’s a difference between saying morally you should take responsibility and saying legally you don’t have to say anything.

OP can you phone Rights of Women for free legal advice?

And don't waste any energy trying to make him or his family see that you are not a bad person, that he is at fault for his treatment of you. They never will, and their opinion doesn't matter at all. Focus on closing this chapter of your life and getting the hell away.

Get away from him and all of them. Cut all contact and move away if you can. Contact a DV charity and see if they can advise you on the legal side of things. I think with ABH you can ask to be tried in crown court which has a lower conviction rate. You do need legal advice though so see if you can get this pro bono.

Have a look at these sentencing guidelines:

https://www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/offences/magistrates-court/item/assault-occasioning-actual-bodily-harm-racially-or-religiously-aggravated-abh/

Assuming you're found guilty the key things will be evidencing the harm level and the culpability level - minimising both will minimise your sentence.

The defenses are here:

https://howardssolicitors.co.uk/legal-advice/criminal-lawyers/abh/

They only vaguely realistic option will be self defense and you need to consider what evidence you can bring to bear to support that defense - that isn't just your word. E.g. historical text messages, you previously explaining to friends and family that you were scared etc if you were scared.

Note that provocation is not a defense but can be a mitigating factor.

Nb - I am not a lawyer.

Are you being tried at a magistrate's court or a crown court? If you're defending yourself was there a deadline by which to submit supporting evidence?

There's some horrendous advice on this thread OP. Get yourself a solicitor to advise you of your options and advocate for you.

How do I go about proving their lies and malice, spite and vindictiveness for which I have no understanding where it came from?

You need to stop concentrating on proving anything for a minute and start concentrating on trying to get some proper advice from someone who actually knows what they are talking about, rather than having the rights and wrongs of what you did debated on here.

If you don’t qualify for legal aid, then I strongly suggest you speak to WomensAid. Explain what happened and see if there is anything they can do to help you, or if they could even just point you in the right direction.

The police are overworked and under pressure to meet targets, and likely to go for easy wins over hard to solve cases. DV cases are usually tricky, but one where there are witnesses, evidence, and the aggressor seems likely to admit what they did are going to be pursued by them - probably more than more complicated, murky cases even if those cases involve more serious abuse (eg rape) but no-one saw what happened and the 2 involved have different stories. So I can easily believe the police would charge ABH under the circumstances the Op described. Actually it would be bad if they had witnesses, evidence and confession of a crime and didn't pursue.

Assuming this is in the UK, it wouldn't just be up to the police to charge. Any domestic violence case has to go to the CPS for approval before a person can be charged.

There is a trend on MN to shame women for actions that would have been applauded ten years ago. A decade ago, I found that horrible, but I suspect many of the posters would have been fine with it not that long ago and done with same. The outrage seems a little OTT.

ABH is an imprisonable offence, so OP will be entitled to see the duty solicitor at court, free of charge.

Do you think throwing a bin at someone's head, should be applauded?

Before the court case, calmly write down a list of the things you have suffered (and collect any evidence you have) and then, when you get to the court, ask for the Duty Solicitor. The can have a look at the information you give them to decide whether it amounts to a defence or if it is at least good mitigation.

No. And I think it was perfectly clear that I do not.
Ten years ago it would have been applauded on here and that was wrong. I suspect many of the posters reacting like it was an outrage have done such things.

@18Floral

There are lots of charities that can provide free legal advice or assistance if suffered domestic abuse

try here:
https://www.flows.org.uk/
or here

https://weareadvocate.org.uk/

and google for domestic abuse legal advice charities in your area.

It wasn't perfectly clear or I wouldn't have asked. It's not acceptable to throw something at someone's head. I've been here a while and haven't noticed it being encouraged or applauded.

I am a middle aged man and would have, unfortunately, just considered that as how some women coped with stress.
There were also plenty of men buying newspapers with Page 3 then. It is not a thing now, but were men to react and condemn a man with horror for doing such a thing I woudl find it strange.