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Legal matters

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Masturbation around sleeping child

230 replies

123anon · 04/06/2024 23:37

I’m really sorry if my title offends anyone. I don’t know where else to turn.

I sleep on the sofa most nights and my now ex partner sleeps upstairs with our 2 year old daughter in the same bed. I found evidence of him masturbating in the same bed as her….. he’s admitted to doing it more than once. It just doesn’t sit right with me and I feel physically sick. I made him leave there and then and he hasn’t been back since. His family are taking his side and calling me a Psycho. In their opinion he’s done wrong but not enough for me to cut contact. Can I please have other parent’s opinions and advice also if possible legal advice. I feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
EmpressSoleil · 05/06/2024 19:13

FGS. People going on about having sex while their baby was in the same room.

  1. That is a baby, not a 2 Yr old
  2. You weren't sharing a bed with the baby
  3. Even if the baby did wake up they wouldn't have awareness that "something" was happening. A 2yr old would.
Can you really not see the difference??

I'm horrified that so many people think this is OK. I don't know if this man is a potential abuser. That's something none of us can know.

But this is a man that doesn't live in a "poor" culture where there might be a family in one room, with limited options. He has a whole house. He had the option to sleep on the sofa and wank to his hearts content! But no he made OP sleep on the sofa. Then proceeded to wank in bed with a 2yr old! How anybody can claim that's OK is utterly beyond me. I can only hope that's it's trolls and/or men that have made most of those posts because the alternative is frightening.

Utterlyb · 05/06/2024 19:13

igomeow · 05/06/2024 18:16

I hope not because it's sexual abuse, children shouldn't be exposed to sex. It's really not hard.. wait until they're asleep and do it in another room.
The laws around this in other parts of the world are irrelevant.

I couldn’t myself but you do realise even in this country there are families sharing 1 room?

whovotestory · 05/06/2024 19:14

hotpotlover · 05/06/2024 17:22

Incredible hysteria on this thread.

My husband and me were kissing/making out/having sex in the same room as our sleeping baby.

I'm sure lots of couples do it and it has nothing to do with abuse.

Obviously there is a cut off point where you shouldn't do it anymore.

But how is any of that related to what this man has done? We aren't talking about a couple having sex with a sleeping baby in a cot. This man masterbated alone while his toddler slept next to him. Can you really not see why people are disgusted by that?

callabroa · 05/06/2024 19:40

@EmpressSoleil
Everything you said.
I mentioned this thread to DH who works in safeguarding as I found it disturbing and he said this was exposure to a sexual act. There is a big difference in the awareness of a newborn and two year old.
He was was also disgusted by this.

Passiflora2 · 05/06/2024 19:47

Anyone making excuses for that sort of behaviour, I am really amazed. On no level was this in any way acceptable at all and is actually abusive in the sense that a sexual act is taking place in the same bed as
a small child. Even unconsciously that child is aware of what is going on. They won’t understand it but it will affect them in th future.

IAlwaysTellTheTruthEvenWhenILie · 05/06/2024 20:00

That's vile. I've bed shared with my sons for nearly 4 years now and wouldn't even think of it. Disgusting.

Panpastels · 05/06/2024 20:06

Those who think this is acceptable, what would they think of a mother who whipped out a dildo and went at it in bed with their child present? Or is it because 'men have urges they can't control' Confused
I know of someone who went to prison for masturbating on the bed near a sleeping child. I would report this, it may be a severe lack of boundaries (a safeguarding concern) or more deviant and in which case a criminal matter and there may be evidence on his phone. Sorry you are going through this Flowers

Loonanechanger · 05/06/2024 20:43

EmpressSoleil · 05/06/2024 19:13

FGS. People going on about having sex while their baby was in the same room.

  1. That is a baby, not a 2 Yr old
  2. You weren't sharing a bed with the baby
  3. Even if the baby did wake up they wouldn't have awareness that "something" was happening. A 2yr old would.
Can you really not see the difference??

I'm horrified that so many people think this is OK. I don't know if this man is a potential abuser. That's something none of us can know.

But this is a man that doesn't live in a "poor" culture where there might be a family in one room, with limited options. He has a whole house. He had the option to sleep on the sofa and wank to his hearts content! But no he made OP sleep on the sofa. Then proceeded to wank in bed with a 2yr old! How anybody can claim that's OK is utterly beyond me. I can only hope that's it's trolls and/or men that have made most of those posts because the alternative is frightening.

Exactly. Also “what did people do in the old days” - probably have sex in front of their kids, does that mean they should do it now?

and “lots of people only have one bedroom” that doesn’t fucking mean it’s right for them to have sex in front of children does it? They’re not animals!

igomeow · 05/06/2024 20:58

I couldn’t myself but you do realise even in this country there are families sharing 1 room?

@Utterlyb
Of course I realise families share one room, sometimes it's tricky trying to have a sex life when you've got kids in the house.. wait until they're asleep and go and do it in the bathroom with the door locked.
It's on the NSPC website, it's a sexual offence to expose children to pornography/sex/masturbtion for obvious reasons, not having a separate bedroom Isn't an excuse.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/06/2024 22:29

Was she awake or asleep?

jannier · 05/06/2024 22:40

GCAcademic · 05/06/2024 12:46

They said that women are as bad as men. Which is blatantly untrue. As has been pointed out 2% of sex offenders are women.

There seem to be a lot of people around at the moment who want to elide the differences between male and female offending patterns. I wonder why that is?

So to you only sexual abuse is serious women neglecting, battering, etc not in the same league.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 05/06/2024 22:49

BoundaryGirl3939 · 04/06/2024 23:56

Men are not more of a threat to children. Mothers can be horrific.

Statistically men are more likely to be a threat to children. Mothers can be horrific. Both those statements are technically true.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 06/06/2024 08:02

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/06/2024 22:29

Was she awake or asleep?

If you think wanking while lying next to a small child is not ok it's completely irrelevant whether she was awake or asleep

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 06/06/2024 12:16

I hope the squeamish on this thread don’t ever plan to take a caravan holiday with their kids.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 06/06/2024 12:20

Passiflora2 · 05/06/2024 19:47

Anyone making excuses for that sort of behaviour, I am really amazed. On no level was this in any way acceptable at all and is actually abusive in the sense that a sexual act is taking place in the same bed as
a small child. Even unconsciously that child is aware of what is going on. They won’t understand it but it will affect them in th future.

How exactly will it affect them?

Cadela · 06/06/2024 12:53

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 06/06/2024 12:20

How exactly will it affect them?

You don’t understand what sexual abuse will do to a child?

And fucking in a caravan with your children feet away is completely disgusting.

Adult’s sexual wants NEVER trump children’s needs to be protected. Ever.

Swanbeauty · 06/06/2024 13:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

itspreposterous · 06/06/2024 14:04

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 06/06/2024 12:16

I hope the squeamish on this thread don’t ever plan to take a caravan holiday with their kids.

You think people who don't wank next to little girls are squeamish?!?

Combattingthemoaners · 06/06/2024 14:50

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 06/06/2024 12:16

I hope the squeamish on this thread don’t ever plan to take a caravan holiday with their kids.

Not the same. As already stated a million times having sex whilst a child may hear is not the same as:

  1. Asking partner to sleep on sofa so he can have the bed. Could have wanked away on the sofa but he’s placed himself into this situation.
  2. Choosing to pleasure himself in the bed instead of in the shower or elsewhere.
  3. Doing it in the same bed as a 2 year old.

Your scenario is in no way the same.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 06/06/2024 15:13

INeedToClingToSomething · 05/06/2024 18:42

This.

I can't lose a lot of sleep about this. A lot of people just use masturbation as a way to get to sleep; it may not have even been sexually motivated, let alone paedophilia!. Jumping to he's a paedophile is a massive overreaction but very typical of the "all men are abusers" rhetoric on MN.

Sorry, how is masturbation not sexually motivated???
Even if its done with the end point being going to sleep, how is the act of wanking itself not sexually motivated?

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 06/06/2024 16:10

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 06/06/2024 12:16

I hope the squeamish on this thread don’t ever plan to take a caravan holiday with their kids.

Actually we've done many and oddly always find another room to do it. Never considered doing it whilst DD lies next to us. But we're clearly squeamish Confused

Loonanechanger · 06/06/2024 19:40

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 06/06/2024 12:16

I hope the squeamish on this thread don’t ever plan to take a caravan holiday with their kids.

This makes me feel sick

Passiflora2 · 06/06/2024 23:00

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 06/06/2024 12:20

How exactly will it affect them?

Well, do you need it explained to you? How would you have felt as a child sharing a bed with your wanking father? I hope you don’t have kids.

Cupcake333333 · 07/06/2024 19:13

Op what my issue is here is he refused to go to the sofa.. but was happy for you to sleep there but prior to this I am guessing he wasn't doing this in the bed when you slept there too.. why didn't it occur to him to do this in front of you but once you're gone suddenly, that's an option to him. This man is disgusting, whatever way you put it, and for his family to call you names just confirms they are all vile. I would get legal advice from a solicitor and go from there. I'm of the opinion that even if he really wasn't thinking (yeah alright) the fact he is so unable to think proves he's not trustworthy and a reasonable person would accept that what he's done is not acceptable... instead they are putting you down and making you 2nd guess yourself. Well if they want to behave in this way then they need to face up to the consequences that goes with 'not thinking' .

AmericanVirgo · 12/08/2024 22:13

I was actually googling something similar to this and came across this post. Im in the U.S. but i think thats a fairly universal thing to be disgusted with. Ironically, I am on the flipside of this argument. My abusive ex decided to place a hidden camera under our dresser next to the bed right after we separated. He was staying at his moms while i stayed at our apt with our two daughters. One morning, he had emailed me at 2am saying "he caught me" but wouldnt say what i did. Next morning, he called me on my 11 year olds phone (I have him blocked). She had it on speakerphone while i recorded the phone call on video. He basically chuckled that he had "got me" but wouldnt tell me what I had done. He said he was going to call police and CPS if i didn't talk to him privately. I know his manipulations and i had nothing to hide so I said, go ahead and make a false report. Im happy to show Child services or police that hes abusive and manipulative. Instead, he kept being vague. I will never again have a conversation again with him without a witness or in writing where i can prove his crap. Anyway, he asked my 11 year old if she was sleeping in the bed with me the night before. He KNOWS that she often sleeps in the bed with me. She was sleeping in the bed with BOTH of us before we separated because she gets nervous about sounds outside very easily. She was even MORE anxious lately BECAUSE of her dad doing things to be intimidating, including showing up unannounced and pulling a gun out two months before. (Hence why i finally told him to gtfo).
Anyway, she told him yes, she slept in the bed with me but was confused about what he was talking about. She went on visitation with her dad that day. While he had her, he called me privately (i recorded our speakerphone conversation on video) and claimed that she "broke down in tears and disclosed that I was touching myself in bed next to her". I laughed outloud. I literally laughed and was like, wow, you are desperate to tear me down huh?
She came home later and immediately told me that "Dad said he caught you on camera touching yourself" and basically described that adults do that to feel good. She felt really awkward. Shes effing 11 yall. And a GIRL. He basically was trying to gaslight her and implant the memory that her mom was doing this in bed next to her. I have a whole web of evidence that basically proves that he just did all this to create a false narrative just in case he tries to tell a judge or CPS.
The thing is, the next night i recorded the moment i found the camera at 1am. He had used our two-way video baby monitor that i had unplugged weeks before and then couldn't find it, and hid it under the dresser next to the bed. It cant actually see anything. Just pick up audio. And its motion/sound sensored. That night, he actually talked into the two-way speaker. It's WiFi connected so he can actually listen in even though hes 15 minutes away staying at his moms. This was scary and creepy considering i LEFT this abusive relationship and now he was spying on me. I found the camera because he used the mic. He was saying "ewww, gross, wake up! Mommys doing it again!" I unplugged the camera at first and recorded myself finding it. I then realized that my dog was in a pile of clothes RIGHT next to the dresser. I recorded my dog scratching himself and realized that my ex stupidly was trying to claim that i was masturbating when it was literally my dog scratching and licking himself next to the camera. 🤦‍♀️ He continues to claim this. He has even threatened to send the supposed video to my father. I told him to please do so because it'll be hilarious and my dad will just laugh. I told him multiple times that if he ever finds out that anybody is masturbating next to a child, he needs to report it to CPS and if he has a video, then he'll have proof he needs so there shouldn't be a problem. I have yet to be visited by CPS in the months since. Although he showed a letter proving that he called them. But they didn't even TRY contacting me about anything like that. He has since made up reasons for not "exposing" me. Like "i still love you", "i respect you too much" .
Im over here like, no, please, if im some pervert who thinks it ok to masturbate with my child in my bed, you should be urging CPS to investigate. Make sure you you show them that video!
Now he claims the camera "fell" and he just has "sounds" that are obviously me masturbating. He has since also claimed that he "hopes" our daughter was "asleep" when i did it. But im like.... well wait, according to our phone call I recorded, you said she disclosed it to you. How could she have been asleep if she disclosed it to you? And now i have the timestamp on my video of my dog scratching himself minutes after he claims he has me on audio masturbating. 🤣. He also stupidly admitted in an email that he was "shocked" that I would do that because "anytime we've had the kids in the same ROOM, youve refused to mess around."
Soooo, youre admitting that YOU would be willing to have sex in the same room as your child? I mean, its one thing if its an infant, but after that, no. Thats weird af.

I think the point of this is that i absolutely think its disgusting to do anything sexual with your kid in the room, let alone the same bed. How could you possibly even BE in that state of mind when an innocent child is right there! Im in mommy mode if my kids in bed with me. Not woman mode.

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