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Original poster

Masturbation around sleeping child

230 replies

123anon · 04/06/2024 23:37

I’m really sorry if my title offends anyone. I don’t know where else to turn.

I sleep on the sofa most nights and my now ex partner sleeps upstairs with our 2 year old daughter in the same bed. I found evidence of him masturbating in the same bed as her….. he’s admitted to doing it more than once. It just doesn’t sit right with me and I feel physically sick. I made him leave there and then and he hasn’t been back since. His family are taking his side and calling me a Psycho. In their opinion he’s done wrong but not enough for me to cut contact. Can I please have other parent’s opinions and advice also if possible legal advice. I feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 09:55

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 09:53

@Feelsodrained but by consistently standing by that comparison, you are defending it. Two wrongs don't make a right. That's not how the law works and what the OP's partner did was non contact sexual abuse.

And as I just posted, the comparison to adults having sex in the same room as a baby clearly is also not relevant (though that would technically meet the same criteria of non contact sexual abuse). The OP’s partner was in the same bed as the child, sharing a sleep space - there is no physical boundary there. He was also on his own. Those two are important points of difference and makes this a lot more serious. Context always matters and the context here is pretty fucking unacceptable and also illegal

Edited

Do you actually have legal experience/expertise in this area? Because as I said on a previous thread, I do. I have told the OP to speak to the NSPCC and social services but I’d be quite surprised if they said this warranted stopping contact or justified the dad not having unsupervised contact with his DD.

Beautiful3 · 05/06/2024 09:56

Having sex or exposing a child to porn, is still child abuse. I'd call up the NSPCC & see what they say. If they suggest contacting social services, then i would. Take a screen shot of his whats app message, you'll need that as evidence.

Venturini · 05/06/2024 09:56

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 09:46

I absolutely agree with this and cannot see the comparison some are making to adults having sex in the same room as a baby. The OPs partner was in the same bed as the child, sharing a sleep space - there is no physical boundary there. He was also on his own. Those two are important points of difference. What this man did is absolutely non contact sexual abuse, whether he knew that or not. That doesn't necessarily make him a paedophile, none of us can determine that, but it does make what he did completely unacceptable (and criminal) and I would therefore be seeking the advice of both the Police and social services

Show quote history

This. The minimising in this thread is horrifying. Children are human beings and deserve to be treated with respect. And I would never let him sleep in a room with her again.

idontknowaboutyou · 05/06/2024 09:56

@SplitFountainPen absolutely I should have said at least 90% realistically it's higher.

EnglishBluebell · 05/06/2024 09:58

@Venturini The hysteria from those lacking critical thinking skills is also shocking.

SplitFountainPen · 05/06/2024 10:00

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 09:00

Well clearly lots of parents lie next to or in the same room as their sleeping child and think oh you know what I need right this very second? A shag. And seeing sex between two people would probably be more distressing for the child if they woke than seeing a wank.
Millions of families across the world share one room to sleep and have multiple children so it obviously does happen constantly.

Show quote history

Generally there is another room to have sex in.. we cosleep but put the baby monitor on and go downstairs, there's absolutely no reason to be in the same room past the newborn stage, nevermind the same bed.

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 10:01

@Feelsodrained and @EnglishBluebell actually yes, I have direct legal experience of this and the fact the child was sleeping (and I put it to you, do you even know that to be the case?) is irrelevant. It is a sexual act in the presence of a child. End. Of. Discussion

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 10:04

SplitFountainPen · 05/06/2024 10:00

Generally there is another room to have sex in.. we cosleep but put the baby monitor on and go downstairs, there's absolutely no reason to be in the same room past the newborn stage, nevermind the same bed.

Show quote history

There are thousands of families in this country who live in a studio flat with just one room for everything. Often with more than one child. Anyway obviously if there is another room to go to, that is the best option.

Look the thought of having sex in the same room as a sleeping child turns my stomach. But it’s something that happens constantly, it’s not a criminal offence and would not mean that social services would intervene. And nor would it if it was masturbation rather than intercourse. Still grim, still wouldn’t do it but this guy is hardly going to get arrested and I doubt would be stopped from having contact with his DD.

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 10:07

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 10:01

@Feelsodrained and @EnglishBluebell actually yes, I have direct legal experience of this and the fact the child was sleeping (and I put it to you, do you even know that to be the case?) is irrelevant. It is a sexual act in the presence of a child. End. Of. Discussion

Do you, in what capacity? Because I worked as a solicitor in children law for a number of years and this issue (not masturbation but sex) came up in a number of cases so I can draw on experience of how it was treated in those cases. Also anyone using the phrase “I put it to you” is usually not legally trained in my opinion.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/06/2024 10:10

To posters all eh ok with dad wanking in the same bed as his child ... I'm quite confident that anything that knowingly exposes a child to inappropriate sexual images/activities is categorically classed as abuse. She was probably asleep but Jesus can you imagine if she wasn't? He would have known that was a risk yet still did it? Red flag the size of a house Confused

It is not ok. Go somewhere else to get your rocks off you sick fuck. I would leave DH if he did this.

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 10:11

@Feelsodrained did I say I was a lawyer? I said I have direct legal experience of this. Please read my posts properly and don't make presumptions about me or my history, or be unnecessarily snobby/superior about my use of language. I am not pretending to be anything I am not here. I have also not said that SS or a family court would take the children away. I am simply saying that this man committed a criminal act. That is what I know through my own legal experience to be absolutely categorically true

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/06/2024 10:12

nine9nein · 05/06/2024 05:48

A grown man has refused to sleep on the sofa, knowing he would then be sharing a bed with a toddler and forcing the child's mother to be downstairs sleeping on the sofa away from her child.

He masturbated while the child was in the bed next to him.

OP, you were not in the bedroom so you have no idea what else may have happened other than him admitting to that as a minimum.

I would call the police if I were you.

Actually that's a good point that by making you sleep on the sofa you were out of the picture so it was just them .

Possibly could be calculated...

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 10:13

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 10:11

@Feelsodrained did I say I was a lawyer? I said I have direct legal experience of this. Please read my posts properly and don't make presumptions about me or my history, or be unnecessarily snobby/superior about my use of language. I am not pretending to be anything I am not here. I have also not said that SS or a family court would take the children away. I am simply saying that this man committed a criminal act. That is what I know through my own legal experience to be absolutely categorically true

Okay but do you think that if reported to the police they would arrest him and he would be prosecuted?

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/06/2024 10:16

When I was young on holiday (about 10 I think?) I woke up to see and hear my parents at it next to me. It really upset me and I can still vividly remember the shame and disgust I felt.

Loonanechanger · 05/06/2024 10:19

@Feelsodrained You’re going on and on about legal advice. Op wants other parents’ opinions as well. I don’t agree this isn’t a criminal offence but regardless it’s sick. I couldn’t give a fly f that some people have to share studio flats.

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 10:21

Loonanechanger · 05/06/2024 10:19

@Feelsodrained You’re going on and on about legal advice. Op wants other parents’ opinions as well. I don’t agree this isn’t a criminal offence but regardless it’s sick. I couldn’t give a fly f that some people have to share studio flats.

Did you miss how this was posted in legal matters? If she just wanted thoughts then why not post in chat or AIBU? And yes it’s grim but can she just stop him seeing the DD? Probably not but people are saying he’s a sick pedophile and not to let him near her again.

EmpressSoleil · 05/06/2024 10:22

He may not be an abuser but the people "defending" him...would YOU masturbate when co sleeping with your child? I would expect a resounding no. So why defend him? It's disgusting. What if she had woken up? There's zero excuse regardless of motivation.

nine9nein · 05/06/2024 10:34

You cannot not know that he WASN'T looking at or touching the child.

You DON'T know if she was asleep or awake or used as a prop for his revolting behaviour.

Because...

He made you sleep downstairs.

Creamcheeseplease · 05/06/2024 10:35

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 10:01

@Feelsodrained and @EnglishBluebell actually yes, I have direct legal experience of this and the fact the child was sleeping (and I put it to you, do you even know that to be the case?) is irrelevant. It is a sexual act in the presence of a child. End. Of. Discussion

@EnglishBluebell was a solicitor in children's law. She obviously knows what she's talking about. Why are you getting all "I put it to you" with her?

bringmorewashing · 05/06/2024 10:38

Even in the 'best' case (him just not thinking) this is really shocking and disturbing to me. And leaving evidence of it?? Wtf. He must be an absolute pig, and I wouldn't allow him or his family anywhere near my DD after that. Definitely report it, if it's not actual abuse it is weird and inappropriate behaviour and a safeguarding concern.

JamSlagsNowPlease · 05/06/2024 10:44

Olivebrancholivia · 05/06/2024 06:45

Just another viewpoint.....many many siblings are conceived whilst parents share a room with their child.

It's not ideal but I wouldn't be jumping down the paedophile route.

What do people think happened in the days when a household generally contained one bed and all the occupants slept in it?

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 10:46

@Creamcheeseplease please just stop being so mean. I've already had to ask one poster to stop being so snobby and superior about my use of language. I just used a turn of phrase. I'm not pretending to be anything I am not here. I'm also not talking about child law, because I have no experience or knowledge of that. I don't know what SS or a family judge would say, and I haven't pretended I do. I am talking from a criminal law point of view because from that I can categorically confirm that what this man did was a criminal act. That is all I am trying to say. I know that from my own history and legal experience. But if bullying victims who are trying to offer their own advice on threads like this is what you like to do, then I'm out

OP, as I initially said, what your partner has done is illegal. That doesn't automatically make him a paedophile, but I would call the police and social services and ask their advice on what you should do. I really hope you get some support

Creamcheeseplease · 05/06/2024 10:47

sexnotgenders · 05/06/2024 10:46

@Creamcheeseplease please just stop being so mean. I've already had to ask one poster to stop being so snobby and superior about my use of language. I just used a turn of phrase. I'm not pretending to be anything I am not here. I'm also not talking about child law, because I have no experience or knowledge of that. I don't know what SS or a family judge would say, and I haven't pretended I do. I am talking from a criminal law point of view because from that I can categorically confirm that what this man did was a criminal act. That is all I am trying to say. I know that from my own history and legal experience. But if bullying victims who are trying to offer their own advice on threads like this is what you like to do, then I'm out

OP, as I initially said, what your partner has done is illegal. That doesn't automatically make him a paedophile, but I would call the police and social services and ask their advice on what you should do. I really hope you get some support

Mean?

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/06/2024 10:54

There are many other places to shag in a home other than the bedroom ... your kids do not need to be unwilling spectators in your sex life

Knitgoodwoman · 05/06/2024 10:58

I'm not a lawyer or SS... this is just an opinion! But there's a big difference between a paedophile who is intentionally using children for their own needs and a man who can't be bothered to have a wank elsewhere. The issue as I see if is you can't be sure which he is?

But the latter for me would warrant a serious chat and a promise not to do it again. It would be interesting to hear what SS do say about it and if I've got this really wrong. Usually, I am the first on a thread to report to SS and protect children and in fact have done so myself.

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