Masturbation around sleeping child

[123anon]

I’m really sorry if my title offends anyone. I don’t know where else to turn.

I sleep on the sofa most nights and my now ex partner sleeps upstairs with our 2 year old daughter in the same bed. I found evidence of him masturbating in the same bed as her….. he’s admitted to doing it more than once. It just doesn’t sit right with me and I feel physically sick. I made him leave there and then and he hasn’t been back since. His family are taking his side and calling me a Psycho. In their opinion he’s done wrong but not enough for me to cut contact. Can I please have other parent’s opinions and advice also if possible legal advice. I feel sick to my stomach.

'He just didn't think about it'. And he "refused to sleep on the sofa" so you had to.

Wow!! Has he listened to himself? Quite apart from his utterly disgusting behaviour, I'd point out to him that he is off the scale selfish, and if he ever wants to be part of your life again, he should stop being so fucking self-centred and thoughtless, and start sharing parenting.

Well done for kicking him out OP. Honestly, it's threads like this that make me heartily glad I am single.

And tell his family to mind their own business. Their opinions are utterly irrelevant. Perhaps if they'd done a better job raising a decent human being, he wouldn't be in this situation.

But only 2% of convicted sex offenders are female.

If men are not more of a sexual abuse threat to women why are only 2% of convicted sex offenders women, and the rest are men? What research have you got to back up your argument?

That person hasn't got an argument, they've got an agenda.

Why the hell are you reaching for excuses for this man, @BoundaryGirl3939? That is a very odd response.

Pedophile

Not intending to abuse a child doesn't stop it being abusive. At best his judgement is a absolutely appalling.

Whatever his intentions, this is non-contact child sex abuse.

Some of the replies on here are very worrying.

At worst he has a sexual interest in children and got some sexual satisfaction from the action. To explore this you could ask the police for a Sarah’s law disclosure so they will check if he has any convictions for sexual abuse. You could also consider a referral to children’s services to see if they want to do an assessment to consider the sexual risk.
At “best” he doesn’t have a sexual interest in children, and was either aware it was inappropriate but was too lazy or concentrated on his own pleasure to move, or he wasn’t aware it was inappropriate. Either of these “best options” are not good enough. This is because allowing a child to see a sexual activity is actually recognised as a non contact sexual offence (this is outlined on the nspcc website if you want a source to confirm that), and there is a chance your daughter could have woken and seen a sexual activity. I would also question if he was using pornography, which your daughter was also at risk of seeing. In order to protect your daughter, as a starting point there needs to be recognition from him that his behaviour was inappropriate, and confidence in him he would never do this again. It doesn’t however seem that he’s taken any responsibility for having done something repulsive so I would have very little confidence he has the capacity to change. As such, I think it’s completely reasonable to deny him contact with your daughter at this time.
Finally please ignore the people saying men pose no more risk than women. That is absolutely not the case, given that 98% of convicted sex offenders are men. You’re right to be concerned by this.

A grown man has refused to sleep on the sofa, knowing he would then be sharing a bed with a toddler and forcing the child's mother to be downstairs sleeping on the sofa away from her child.

He masturbated while the child was in the bed next to him.

OP, you were not in the bedroom so you have no idea what else may have happened other than him admitting to that as a minimum.

I would call the police if I were you.

@BoundaryGirl3939

90% of paedophiles are male

I’d be reporting to the police, it’s so far from normal I can’t believe he thought it was ok, and then to not even clean it up?

It's hopefully more a case of laziness and ability to ignore the child in the bed.

But even so it's still abhorrent. I couldn't trust him after this. You also need to report it.

And if you haven't done so your child needs to be examined for signs of sexual abuse

OP no one seems to be giving you practical advice even though the majority of posters think what he did is wrong

i Think you need a professional viewpoint so call childrens services or something anonymous like NSPCC to find out the next steps. I know you might be frightened how he and his family will react if you do that but the care of your daughter has to be absolutely paramount and the risk to her established and then managed.

If you plan to prevent him having contact you will also need professional agreement.

Do you have any written evidence that he has admitted it? Like a text or email? If not be cautious it will be his word against yours and he may well deny it so be very sure you to keep anything that is helpful to you in proving the conversations.

he is very inappropriate as are his family.

Just another viewpoint.....many many siblings are conceived whilst parents share a room with their child.

It's not ideal but I wouldn't be jumping down the paedophile route.

When you say you have evidence... what exactly if its a stain that doesnt mean hes knocking one out next to her

For those saying the mum should be sleeping thete. Get a grip and stop projecting

It’s not necessarily indicative of him being an abuser at all, however I do think it shows that his boundaries are a bit off tbh, which can he concerning - that is he didn’t think, like most folk, that it’s not appropriate to do this, and what else later on might not cross his mind.
A very few people do have the capacity to transfer ‘affections’ from parent to child, not really seeing the difference- rather than being attracted to the specific child’s age anyway.
I think we can’t tell online who he is, and what he is/not capable of - it’s always incredibly hard for family (mum, siblings etc) to consider such stuff and they will downplay it. IME it is easier for you to know what you think about him, you know him sexually in a way his family can’t, you know him around your daughter and you do simply know him whilst not having that ‘blood’ relative status. But, it’s very hard when there’s no way of knowing what is on his head for absolute sure - you can never 100% know and have to accept that as it drives you mad wondering how you can be sure.
Take what actions you think necessary for your daughter and for you - believe what your gut is telling you today is all you can do, later down the line time will take away your ‘gut feeling’ of today, but it is important.

Get your daughter examined for any signs of abuse. Contact the NSPCC for advice. Be prepared to escalate and contact the police if necessary.

The most sensible post

I'm sorry @123anon but I really think that you need to report this to the police and social services. Also if he gets supervised visitation it can't be supervised by his family who by minimizing his behaviour have proven that they cannot safeguard your dd

What planet do you live on??

If course men are a bigger danger to children.

Yes a minority of women have done dreadful things to their kids, but I'll bet you any money you want that in the majority of those cases, there was also an abusive man coercing and controlling women's behaviour. It's rare for women to abuse children, and t's incredibly rare that a woman abuses a child of her own accord.

Men, however ...

I do. He admitted it in a WhatsApp message

Good make sure you keep this.

I would seek the advice of NSPCC for next steps. It may mean a referral to social services, but you’ve done the exact right thing in protecting your child.

Do not allow any unsupervised contact, I would stop all contact tbh. He will then have to take you to court for access and will have to prove he is not a danger to his child.

Not thinking etc is not an excuse, sexualised behaviour in front of children is abuse however other people might like to try and excuse it away.

This. I suspect the fact that your daughter was there was purely incidental, if he thought about her at all it was to make sure she was asleep and knew nothing about it. But I accept you can't be 100% sure.