Masturbation around sleeping child

[123anon]

I’m really sorry if my title offends anyone. I don’t know where else to turn.

I sleep on the sofa most nights and my now ex partner sleeps upstairs with our 2 year old daughter in the same bed. I found evidence of him masturbating in the same bed as her….. he’s admitted to doing it more than once. It just doesn’t sit right with me and I feel physically sick. I made him leave there and then and he hasn’t been back since. His family are taking his side and calling me a Psycho. In their opinion he’s done wrong but not enough for me to cut contact. Can I please have other parent’s opinions and advice also if possible legal advice. I feel sick to my stomach.

Sorry but any normal parent isn’t going to be laying next to their sleeping child and think oh you know what I need right this very second? A wank.

It is sexual abuse and this man cannot be trusted to adequately care for a child and ensure their needs are put above his own.

It its not sexual abuse. Anymore than having sex in the same room/bed as a baby. Which most of us have done and not been turned in by the child.

Gross over reaction.

It is non-contact sexual abuse. Exposing children to sexual behaviour IS abuse. Just because you don’t think so doesn’t mean it isn’t the law.

Having sex with your children in the room is vile.

Although I think sex in the same bed as sleeping children is inappropriate, I can at least understand that the way people are forced to live (usually in other countries) can mean that happens, I see it differently to this. That's because I can see how having two sexual partners in bed can lead to arousal. I can even see how a husband might masturbate in bed with his wife next to him, although I find it distasteful and disrespectful, his wife is his sexual partner.

But I just can't see how anyone can do a solo sexual act when the only other person in the room is a child. I mean even if the urge is unrelated to the child (of which I'd always have doubt and trust issues about), the chance that child could witness it should be enough to quash the urge or at least relocate to a more private space like a bathroom!

Well clearly lots of parents lie next to or in the same room as their sleeping child and think oh you know what I need right this very second? A shag. And seeing sex between two people would probably be more distressing for the child if they woke than seeing a wank.
Millions of families across the world share one room to sleep and have multiple children so it obviously does happen constantly.

Why can’t the parents/husband control their urges too and relocate to a different space? I don’t really see the difference. I doubt a husband wanking when his wife is there is doing it because he’s so turned on by her - he’s probably fantasising about some porn he’s seen, just as this guy probably did while his kid happened to be sleeping in the same room.

I understand this point. Why does it follow that it's not enough to quash the desire to have sex with a sleeping child there however?

I couldn't have sex with any child sleeping in the same room let alone the same bed. I suppose there's a difference between a sleeping toddler and a tiny infant in that regard too as a baby has no awareness of its surroundings.

If the OP's husband really needed that release he could have taken himself elsewhere. Why didn't he? Sheer laziness?
If his masturbatory habits are just mechanical now and no more to him than scratching an itch or going for a pee, that's a pretty sad affair too.

It's not good all round.

Op you know your ex better than us. What do you genuinely think his intentions were? If you think it was just a massive ill-judged act on his part (not cleaning up his mess is also disgusting), instead of something with a more sinister intention, then I think taking things any further than they have been would be extreme.

I believe the advice by the Lullaby Trust is to basically have your baby in the same room with you (including naps) 24/7 until they are 6 months old, so the reality is that many parents will not wait 6 months to either have sex or self pleasure if they follow that advice.

I posted on this topic recently. I’m scarred from it. Ignore pp minimising it op.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ninety_days_only/5076773-content-warning-hearing-and-seeing-parents-have-sex-as-a-chold?page=2&reply=135391682

Nobody needs to masturbate near a sleeping child. End of story.

Get rid of that loser OP and ignore his equally vile family.

The comment of mine that you quoted was posted at 23:51. OP provided more context in her second post which was at 23:54. Did you really expect me to be able to see into the future? Imade my comment BEFORE OP came back to her thread hence why I mentioned all the examples of why OP may be sleeping on the sofa.

My point was, dads are allowed to sleep with their children just as mum as mums are allowed. Posters shouldn’t have been asking her, ‘why weren’t you in the bed instead’ as if she’s done something wrong. HTH

This.

I can't believe people are offering up excuses for him. It's disgusting.

The mere sight of my child in the bed would destroy any urge or mood to do this, wild that people think it's ok.

Poor op, my heart is really hurting for her.

Nobody needs to have sex either. He’s her dad - it’s not a case of getting rid and ignoring. He’s her parent and has legal rights. It would look incredibly bad if the OP banned him from seeing the DD and then he had to take her to court. Not to mention the DD might be traumatised from the sudden loss of relationship with her father.

@123anon You might want to screen shot it as he can delete the message from his side.

@FuckTheClubUp

Also - I agree with this - not sure why you've been flamed.

There's no reason a child can't sleep in the bed with their child - I did with my dad and my children do with theirs. Not often, granted, but it's not a 'thing'.

And she certainly didn't do anything wrong allowing this - you don't put your kids in bed with their dad and worry about them having a wank - it's not a line of thought because it's so foul, you wouldn't think it'd be an issue.

Sorry to just clarify the point of my earlier post, as OP posted this thread under ‘legal matters’. Unless op thinks there was an actual sinister intention here, i’m not confident that it can be taken further. I may be wrong though.

@Feelsodrained why are you defending this?! Why are you going on about having sex - if adults had sex in the same bed as a two year that would be clear sexual abuse so what’s your point?

*a dad can't sleep in bed with their child.

Please call the police

Also make sure you have screenshots of the messages as if he deletes them, they'll be deleted for you as well.

I am sick to my stomach reading some of these comments. I can't believe there are people in this thread actually trying to excuse this disgusting behaviour. And why are people having sex in the same bed as their sleeping children and think that it is ok? Absolutely bloody revolting.

I feel exactly the same. I'm gobsmacked.

I’m not defending it - I think it’s gross but it’s something that happens all the time - do a MN search to see about people questioning whether it’s okay for them to have sex while their baby or toddler sleeps in the same room. I don’t see masturbation as massively different. I also don’t think courts or child protection services would conclude that this means the dad should have no future contact or even supervised contact. On the assumption he doesn’t do it again and recognises it was wrong. But if she wants legal advice then stopping contact abruptly doesn’t look good in the eyes of the court and she’s likely to be criticised for it.

Hobestky the pists here are branding her dad a paedophile.

He had a wank (most men do) he didnt give any thought to a sleeping child.

Calm down everyone. Yes its ick but the comments here (as always) are disproportionate

Yes to this.

Jesus Christ, wake up and check the actual statistics for child sexual abuse. Men are overwhelmingly more likely to be perpetrators.