Page 3 | Masturbation around sleeping child

123anon · 2024-06-04T22:37:20+00:00

I’m really sorry if my title offends anyone. I don’t know where else to turn. I sleep on the sofa most nights and my now ex partner sleeps upstairs with our 2 year old daughter in the same bed. I found evidence of him masturbating in the same bed as her….. he’s admitted to doing it more than once. It just doesn’t sit right with me and I feel physically sick. I made him leave there and then and he hasn’t been back since. His family are taking his side and calling me a Psycho. In their opinion he’s done wrong but not enough for me to cut contact. Can I please have other parent’s opinions and advice also if possible legal advice. I feel sick to my stomach.

Venturini · 05/06/2024 07:43

Cadela · 05/06/2024 07:36

Good make sure you keep this.

I would seek the advice of NSPCC for next steps. It may mean a referral to social services, but you’ve done the exact right thing in protecting your child.

Do not allow any unsupervised contact, I would stop all contact tbh. He will then have to take you to court for access and will have to prove he is not a danger to his child.

Not thinking etc is not an excuse, sexualised behaviour in front of children is abuse however other people might like to try and excuse it away.

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☝️

Porageeater · 05/06/2024 07:45

MsJinks · 05/06/2024 07:04

It’s not necessarily indicative of him being an abuser at all, however I do think it shows that his boundaries are a bit off tbh, which can he concerning - that is he didn’t think, like most folk, that it’s not appropriate to do this, and what else later on might not cross his mind.
A very few people do have the capacity to transfer ‘affections’ from parent to child, not really seeing the difference- rather than being attracted to the specific child’s age anyway.
I think we can’t tell online who he is, and what he is/not capable of - it’s always incredibly hard for family (mum, siblings etc) to consider such stuff and they will downplay it. IME it is easier for you to know what you think about him, you know him sexually in a way his family can’t, you know him around your daughter and you do simply know him whilst not having that ‘blood’ relative status. But, it’s very hard when there’s no way of knowing what is on his head for absolute sure - you can never 100% know and have to accept that as it drives you mad wondering how you can be sure.
Take what actions you think necessary for your daughter and for you - believe what your gut is telling you today is all you can do, later down the line time will take away your ‘gut feeling’ of today, but it is important.

Agree, very sensible post. And also agree with the pp who said get some professional advice.

NashvilleQueen · 05/06/2024 07:46

BoundaryGirl3939
Men are not more of a threat to children. Mothers can be horrific.

Do some research on actual statistics before posting.

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 07:47

It doesn’t sound like he is an abuser just from what you have said tbh and if you search on here you will see posts from people asking if it’s okay to have sex in the same room as a sleeping child (with some people saying yes it is). There are many families across the world who share one room and the parents obviously have sex there while the kids sleep. Personally I find it icky but it’s reality. It sounds as if he’s lazy but it’s quite a leap to suggest that he was turned on by his child being there, just like presumably those asking if they can have sex while their child sleeps aren’t turned on by the thought of their kid being there.

You can speak to NSPCC and social services if you like but I think long term this wouldn’t be something that would warrant stopping contact and could do her damage to cut off that relationship. Do get advice though if you are worried.

LuluBlakey1 · 05/06/2024 07:50

Nicole1111 · 05/06/2024 05:48

At worst he has a sexual interest in children and got some sexual satisfaction from the action. To explore this you could ask the police for a Sarah’s law disclosure so they will check if he has any convictions for sexual abuse. You could also consider a referral to children’s services to see if they want to do an assessment to consider the sexual risk.
At “best” he doesn’t have a sexual interest in children, and was either aware it was inappropriate but was too lazy or concentrated on his own pleasure to move, or he wasn’t aware it was inappropriate. Either of these “best options” are not good enough. This is because allowing a child to see a sexual activity is actually recognised as a non contact sexual offence (this is outlined on the nspcc website if you want a source to confirm that), and there is a chance your daughter could have woken and seen a sexual activity. I would also question if he was using pornography, which your daughter was also at risk of seeing. In order to protect your daughter, as a starting point there needs to be recognition from him that his behaviour was inappropriate, and confidence in him he would never do this again. It doesn’t however seem that he’s taken any responsibility for having done something repulsive so I would have very little confidence he has the capacity to change. As such, I think it’s completely reasonable to deny him contact with your daughter at this time.
Finally please ignore the people saying men pose no more risk than women. That is absolutely not the case, given that 98% of convicted sex offenders are men. You’re right to be concerned by this.

This ^^

Yourethebeerthief · 05/06/2024 07:51

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 07:47

It doesn’t sound like he is an abuser just from what you have said tbh and if you search on here you will see posts from people asking if it’s okay to have sex in the same room as a sleeping child (with some people saying yes it is). There are many families across the world who share one room and the parents obviously have sex there while the kids sleep. Personally I find it icky but it’s reality. It sounds as if he’s lazy but it’s quite a leap to suggest that he was turned on by his child being there, just like presumably those asking if they can have sex while their child sleeps aren’t turned on by the thought of their kid being there.

You can speak to NSPCC and social services if you like but I think long term this wouldn’t be something that would warrant stopping contact and could do her damage to cut off that relationship. Do get advice though if you are worried.

I agree with this. An awful lot of damage could be done by jumping to conclusions.

OP do you have any reason to think this is part of a pattern of abuse?

Before I get piled on I don't agree with masturbation or sex in the same room as sleeping children either.

igomeow · 05/06/2024 07:52

Have you got in writing (text) admitting to it and not thinking it's wrong?
Absolutely disgusting I'd report him and it's definitely not something I could move on from or forgive.

jannier · 05/06/2024 07:52

BoundaryGirl3939 · 04/06/2024 23:58

Is he having mental health difficulties? Taken drugs or abused alcohol?

It is disgusting but he didn't do it to her. He just seemed oblivious or numb to the fact she was in the same bed.

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To be honest how would anyone know if he involved her. She's 2 so can't tell.

ConfusedNoMore · 05/06/2024 07:58

In my experience, SS won't be interested because your child is with you and she is safe. But they may well say if you knowingly send your child for contact and you're concerned, then this reflects badly on you in their eyes. (Yes really. It's horrendous).

It also goes down badly if you stop all contact.

Don't know what the police would say.

He could take you to court. Or you could go to court for a child arrangements order and they'd do a report on the situation as part of that. Self representation in court is not for the faint hearted. I don't know what your situation is but is he likely to take you to court? Can you afford legal help?

I'm really sorry. It's very tough.

I think I would allow video calls or supervised contact while it gets investigated.

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 07:58

jannier · 05/06/2024 07:52

To be honest how would anyone know if he involved her. She's 2 so can't tell.

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That is massively jumping to conclusions though. You really can’t assume that someone is a pedophile just on the information the OP has given and I suspect that social services will not take action in this case if they speak to him and are satisfied that it genuinely was a case of him just doing that in the bed while she was asleep. He’s also admitted it which I don’t think he would do if it was sexual abuse. It’s grim but kids do accidentally get exposed to their parents sex lives on a regular basis, eg if the walls are thin, kids might hear their parents having sex, they might walk in on them, many parents have sex while their kids are in the same or next room asleep, especially if they are toddlers or babies. Not ideal but doesn’t mean the child shouldn’t see her dad again. Unless of course there is more to it.

ConfusedNoMore · 05/06/2024 07:59

@123anon https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/services.htm

They have a helpline you can call.

The Lucy Faithfull Foundation | Training and Services

We provide a range of services for organisations, professionals and the public including risk assessments and intervention and expert training. Find out more.

https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/services.htm

jannier · 05/06/2024 08:00

GCAcademic · 05/06/2024 05:41

That person hasn't got an argument, they've got an agenda.

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Or maybe talking about all forms of abuse, sexual abuse is not the only type of abuse and not more important than others.

Lostinmumming · 05/06/2024 08:05

123anon · 05/06/2024 07:32

I do. He admitted it in a WhatsApp message

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If you haven’t already done so, make sure you screenshot that message as he can delete it for both of you if he wants to.

Nori10 · 05/06/2024 08:14

Your instincts are 100% right. I would divorce my husband so quick if he did this with our toddler daughter. I hope so much for you and your daughter that this is the extent of it, the alternative doesn't bear thinking about. But you must think about it and do as others have suggested and seek advice, because if this is even more sinister than he's let on, you need to protect your daughter.

Maddy70 · 05/06/2024 08:19

Hobestky the pists here are branding her dad a paedophile.

He had a wank (most men do) he didnt give any thought to a sleeping child.

Calm down everyone. Yes its ick but the comments here (as always) are disproportionate

Maddy70 · 05/06/2024 08:19

Olivebrancholivia · 05/06/2024 06:45

Just another viewpoint.....many many siblings are conceived whilst parents share a room with their child.

It's not ideal but I wouldn't be jumping down the paedophile route.

Exactly

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 05/06/2024 08:20

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 04/06/2024 23:44

You should have been sharing the bed with your child. I think he has behaved appallingly but I think many men would have done the same. I would be making sure he didn't share a bed with her again

What??? No they wouldn't. Don't you dare blame the OP for this.

Janesmom · 05/06/2024 08:21

Currently staying with a family member who works in safeguarding. This gave both of us the ick, but they also made the same point as a PP that a lot of children are conceived in the same room as a sibling.

Based on the info OP shared, there is no evidence that her DP was motivated by the child being there (so the allegations of paedophilia appear to be without any merit and just the usual MN silliness). Provided that's correct, and the child was asleep/unaware, it's very unlikely this would be seen as a criminal offence or - in isolation - as a major safeguarding issue. However, it's still pretty weird and if I were OP, I'd definitely be telling DP not to repeat it.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 05/06/2024 08:21

@BoundaryGirl3939 - of COURSE men are a bigger threat to children than women.

Nottherealslimshady · 05/06/2024 08:24

123anon · 05/06/2024 07:32

I do. He admitted it in a WhatsApp message

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Make sure you have a screenshot of that.
Contact the police for advice.
Refuse him contact entirely and let him take you to court. Let him explain to the court why he thinks that's normal.

It's a huge safeguarding risk. He's aroused while alone with a child, why is he feeling aroused and wanting to masturbate with a child next to him? A normal human would feel uncomfortable, you wouldn't feel horny while laid next to your child.

It could very easily be the start of something more. Him starting to touch her, non sexually at first, letting her watch, letting her touch it. It's inappropriate and dangerous for a man who is turned on by being in bed with a child to be allowed to see that child.

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 08:25

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 05/06/2024 08:21

@BoundaryGirl3939 - of COURSE men are a bigger threat to children than women.

Yes but I was also shocked at the “why is she sharing a bed with him” comments, as if it’s weird or wrong for a child to share a bed with their dad. But yes, statistically men are a bigger risk to children than women but that doesn’t assist when discussing an individual scenario.

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 08:28

Nottherealslimshady · 05/06/2024 08:24

Make sure you have a screenshot of that.
Contact the police for advice.
Refuse him contact entirely and let him take you to court. Let him explain to the court why he thinks that's normal.

It's a huge safeguarding risk. He's aroused while alone with a child, why is he feeling aroused and wanting to masturbate with a child next to him? A normal human would feel uncomfortable, you wouldn't feel horny while laid next to your child.

It could very easily be the start of something more. Him starting to touch her, non sexually at first, letting her watch, letting her touch it. It's inappropriate and dangerous for a man who is turned on by being in bed with a child to be allowed to see that child.

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massively leaping here. How come the parents who have sex while their baby or toddler is in the same room get horny then? Is that also because there is a child present? I really don’t think social services would be very concerned based on the info given on this thread.

Crazydoglady1980 · 05/06/2024 08:30

This is non contact sexual abuse, just because other posters have commented that siblings are conceived in the same room as children sleeping doesn’t make it not abuse, or okay.
Sleeping children will be able to hear things depending on how deep they are asleep and as part of the natural sleep cycle. This means they have been exposed to a sexual act.
OP you have done the right thing, now contact the NSPCC to talk about next steps.

Feelsodrained · 05/06/2024 08:32

Crazydoglady1980 · 05/06/2024 08:30

This is non contact sexual abuse, just because other posters have commented that siblings are conceived in the same room as children sleeping doesn’t make it not abuse, or okay.
Sleeping children will be able to hear things depending on how deep they are asleep and as part of the natural sleep cycle. This means they have been exposed to a sexual act.
OP you have done the right thing, now contact the NSPCC to talk about next steps.

I don’t disagree with you but it’s been happening since the dawn of time and social services won’t be interested.

Always28 · 05/06/2024 08:39

Huge jumps are being taken by people here.

While it’s an inappropriate thing to do, it doesn’t mean he was in some way turned on by a toddler!!!
I think I would be having an open conversation with him if he was my DP and taking it from there. I think it’s something you could put behind you if he’s willing to acknowledge why you’re so upset about it and won’t do that again.